Hi, I'm Piper Harris, licensed professional counselor, and welcome to the Untingled Mind Podcast. This is a show for people who want to understand why their mind works the way it does, not just how to cope with it. Drawing from neuropsychology, neurophilosophy, and data-driven CBT, we look at how anxiety and trauma shape perception, behavior, and choice and what actually helps people change. I'm an integrative CBT therapist based in the Atlanta suburbs. Each episode is designed to teach you something concrete, how to recognize what's keeping you stuck, how to interrupt unhelpful patterns, and how to move forward with clarity and steadiness. Today we're talking about the decisions we make in the moment, the promises we keep making to ourselves about tomorrow, and why those things don't always line up. We're going to explore why our brains often favor immediate relief over long-term benefits, how avoidance can quietly become a pattern, and a few practical ways to make decisions that support the life we actually want. So, how many times have you told yourself you'll deal with something later? Maybe it's a conversation that you've been avoiding, uh, maybe it's a relationship relationship, excuse me, that's becoming really difficult, um, or anxiety, maybe that's gradually interfering with more of your like than you life than you'd like. You know something needs your attention, and you've probably thought about it a million times, and um you may have actually even decided that you're going to do something about it. But then something happens. This moment arrives and you choose to put it off. So, not today. Um, today has been difficult enough, right? You're tired, you're overwhelmed, um, or you simply just don't have the energy to deal with this one more thing, right? So you make yourself a promise. I'm gonna do it tomorrow, I'm gonna do it next week, or when things settle down. And in that moment, that decision feels absolutely reasonable because you've taken something uncomfortable off your plate, or at least temporarily. And so it means you can get back to your day without having to deal with whatever it was weighing on you. But what happens when tomorrow arrives and you make the same decision? What happens when that temporary delay becomes your usual way of handling something difficult? And that's where I want to spend some time today because I think that we underestimate how much of everyday decisions shape the direction of our lives. When we think about, you know, spending, we usually think about money, right? So we calculate what something costs, whether we can afford it, right? Or um, you know, what we might have to give up to purchase something. But we spend other resources every single day. We spend time, we spend energy, we spend attention, and we invest emotionally in relationships and responsibilities and the things that we believe matter. And sometimes, without realizing it, we spend those resources maintaining circumstances that we keep promising ourselves we're going to change. So here's the question: are you trading today's dollars for tomorrow's promises? And here's the thing: today can be so very persuasive, right? This idea of today. There's a psychological concept called present bias. And it helps explain why we sometimes choose that immediate relief or rewards over something that may benefit us more in the future. So our brains don't always evaluate um today's experiences and tomorrow's possibilities equally. In fact, it doesn't. Something available right now can obviously carry way more weight than something that requires us to wait for it or work for it or tolerate discomfort. So think about how that plays out in ordinary life. You want to improve your sleep, but staying up another hour watching TV feels better than going to bed, right? Or, for example, you might want to improve your financial situation, but making a purchase gives you a little bit more enjoyment during a difficult week. How many of you are scrolling on Amazon late at night? I see you. I know what you're doing. Or here's the other thing: you may want to address a problem that you're having in your relationship, but avoiding the conversation means you don't have to deal with the possibility of that conflict tonight. So none of those decisions necessarily creates a problem on its own. Sometimes we do just need to relax. Sometimes buying something you enjoy is actually perfectly reasonable. And sometimes postponing that difficult conversation until you're like in a better position and you've thought it through is actually a wise decision. So the the issue isn't what the issue isn't that we choose the comfort. The issue arises when immediate comfort repeatedly takes priority over something we've identified as important. And here's where things become super interesting from a psychological perspective. Our brain learns from what happens after we make a decision. So, for example, if you're anxious about a conversation and decide to not have it, what happens? Well, your anxiety may decrease, decrease. And so what happens is you feel relieved, right? And the immediate threat of conflict is gone. So what the brain does is it registers that relief, and the next time a similar situation arises, it's it may avoid it because you've created kind of this wonderful appearance to the brain, and it's much more appealing. So in behavioral psychology, we call that negative reinforcement. Something unpleasant decreases after a behavior, so making that behavior more likely to happen again. So what I want you to hear is negative doesn't mean bad in this context. All it means is that something has been removed. That's all the negative reinforcement means. And when the thing being review removed is something like anxiety or fear or discomfort, avoidance can be a very, very, very effective short-term strategy. The problem is that effective, that effective and short term doesn't actually mean it's beneficial in the long term. And that's the problem. When avoidance starts making decisions for you, and I want you to think about something in your life that you've been putting off. And all my clients out there, this is not about you, one singular client. We all do this, and it's just something that all of us need to look at. So I'm not pointing at anybody individually. I want to say that. So think about something in your life right now that you're putting off. And it doesn't have to be a major life decision. In fact, sometimes it's kind of the smaller things that tell us more about our patterns. Um, so maybe you've been meaning to make an appointment or address an issue at work. Um, maybe it's establishing a boundary, or it's a return to an activity that you stopped because it makes you anxious. Okay. Now, consider what happens when you think about taking that step. Okay, instead of avoiding it, taking that step. So maybe you feel tension in your body and your brain starts to anticipate what could go wrong. That's pretty common. Then you start rehearsing conversations or imagining possible outcomes or questioning whether you're per you're prepared. Then what happens? You decide to wait. And almost immediately we feel better, right? But the underlying situation hasn't even changed. So the appointment still needs to be made, the conversational conversation still needs to happen. Excuse me, guys. Gosh, I'm having a hard time speak today. The boundary still has to be established. So all you've done, and I know this sounds pretty brutal, but all you've done is reduced the discomfort associated with the decision without addressing what created it. Okay. And again, I want to be careful here because avoidance isn't always unhealthy. I want to be very clear. Sometimes stepping away is exactly what we need, and I get that. There are decisions or situations, excuse me, where delaying an action gives us time to gather information or to regulate our emotions or to make safer, more thoughtful decisions. I get that 100%. I never suggest that someone goes into a conversation with their spouse when they're really pissed off. Like that's a bad idea. Or you need to gather more information about don't quit your job before you find something else that you can ease into. There's a lot of stuff that we need to go slowly into. Okay, so this distinction here is whether you're choosing to wait for a reason, a true reason, or repeatedly waiting because you don't want to dis you don't want to experience the discomfort associated with moving forward. One is very intentional. I've got to take my time before I make this decision, and I gotta get all my steps in a row because it matters to my financial future. Okay. That is a very deliberate intentional choice. The other one can gradually become a pattern that limits our choices. So one's an intentional choice. The other one I'll I actually would say is intentional as well, but sometimes we don't recognize it. Does that make sense? So in clinical work, we sometimes refer to a broader process called experiential avoidance, okay? Just a fancy way of saying that it involves efforts to escape or control unwanted internal experiences, such as like emotions, thoughts, or memories, or even physical sensations. And even when doing so, it interferes with meaningful activities. Or there's experience experiential avoidance of external reminders, okay? And the consequences aren't always immediately obvious. So you might begin, say, for example, avoiding social situations because you're uncomfortable, right? Over time, though, your world gets smaller and smaller and smaller. So then we're looking at loneliness. Okay. So at first it was discomfort in social situations, then you avoid it, and then pretty soon you're really lonely. Okay. Um maybe you avoid expressing your needs because you really do fear disappointing people. And so eventually what happens with that is what? Resentment begins to build and relationships begin to fall apart. Um, you may postpone addressing anxiety because you've learned how to work around it or with it. But gradually, those workarounds begin influencing where you go, what you do, and what opportunities you're willing to consider. And it can have massive effects on your physical health. So, what started as a strategy to make your life easier can eventually make life much more restrictive. And often we don't notice how much we've adjusted until we look back and we realize how many of those decisions were being made around what we are trying not to feel. Does that make sense? Like pretty soon people come in here to talk to me and they look back and they're like, oh my gosh, my decision to avoid this was a decision. And look at all of the other things that I decided that I didn't want to feel and what they did to have an impact on my life. So there's this gap between what we want and what we what we do. It's called the intention behavior gap. So it's the difference between what we intend to do and what we actually do. And most of us have experienced this. We know we need to establish better boundaries, say. So we continue saying yes. We know that constantly seeking reassurance isn't helping our anxiety, but we ask one more person what they think. Okay, you see where this is going. We want healthier relationships, but we keep responding to the conflict in familiar ways. Or we intend to change. We may even be genuinely committed to it, yet our behavior doesn't consistently reflect that intention. And it's super tempting to interpret that gap as a failure of discipline or motivation, right? The gap between I need better boundaries, but I keep saying yes, or the gap between I really want reassurance for my anxiety, but I keep asking, or I shouldn't keep you know seeking reassurance, but I keep asking, or I want this healthier relationship, but I'm gonna avoid all conflict. So I'm not saying that gap between those two things is a failure of discipline or motivation. Sometimes it is, but behavior can be more complicated than that. Our decisions are influenced by our habits, our emotional states, our expectations, past experiences, even environmental demands. And the consequences we've learned to anticipate those. So knowing what is important, knowing what is important, but knowing doesn't actually automatically change what happens when we're uncomfortable, exhausted, uncertain, or afraid, right? And I think this is where people can become really critical of themselves. They look at what they've accomplished and conclude that they must not want it badly enough. And sometimes, okay, sometimes the problem is a lack of desire, I'd say a lack of concrete goals. But sometimes the strategies that you've developed or they've developed to manage the immediate discomfort is competing with those goals you established in your future or for your future. So if that's happening, the answer isn't necessarily to push harder or criticize yourself more. It may be to understand what the current behavior is doing for you. So important. I always talk to my clients about what is the mechanism that's maintaining what's currently taking place? What's a maintaining mechanism? What's a current behavior? Because behavior that appears to work against your goals may still be serving a very real function in the moment. So the avoidance does serve a very real function in the moment, but then it depletes our life if we keep allowing that decision to make decisions for the rest of our life. It's a hard place to be in, right? So, what is today's decisions buying you? Think about that. I want to offer you a different way to examine some of these patterns. So instead of asking yourself why you haven't changed, ask what you're getting from the choice you're making right now. Okay, what are you getting from the choice you're making right now? So let me use an example. Um suppose you suppose you've been avoiding a very difficult conversation with someone really important to you, and you know the issue needs to be addressed, and you've thought about what to say, and you've probably imagined how the conversation might might unfold, right? Sorry, I'm moving around in my chair if you heard that. Um or you might have like dropped a little seat. But every time you consider bringing it up, you decide against it. So let me ask, what is that decision buying you? Maybe it's buying you peace for the evening, totally get that. Maybe it's protecting you from the possibility of rejection and criticism and conflict, totally get that. Maybe, just maybe, it's allowing you to maintain a sense of control because you don't have to confront an outcome you can't predict. You hear that one? Maybe it allows you this faux sense of control because you don't want to confront an outcome that you cannot predict. And listen, those benefits are super real, even if they're temporary. Now, consider what repeatedly making that decision might be costing you. Maybe the issue continues to grow and more than likely you become resentful. Maybe the relationship gets increasingly shaped by things neither of you is willing to discuss. Okay. So you're receiving something today, but you also may be giving up something. Does that make sense? If you keep putting it off, right, what will it cost you? We have to consider that. So you're receiving something today, but you may also be giving something up. Consider that. And that brings us back to today's episode. Are you trading today's dollars for tomorrow's promises? And the dollars aren't necessarily financial, they represent the resources and choices you're spending in the present. And the promise represents the things you keep telling yourself yourself matter for your future, like better relationships, greater confidence, less anxiety, more freedom to participate in your life. The question isn't whether today's relief has value. That is not what the question is. So hear this clearly. It's whether the way you're obtaining that relief is repeatedly interfering with something you value more, or you say you value. This is a toughie. I've had conversations with clients and I've had to say, hey, this was the treatment, this is the protocol, this is the way we do it. I understand if today you can't do this. So then we say no more, we push pause, we say goodbye, whatever it may be. But I also say to them, but be clear that this is avoidance. You can make that today for temporary relief, but what will it cost you for tomorrow? Um, I want to leave you with a three-question decision check. This is gonna help you hopefully with this, because we all fall into this. This is not just for people that are in Piper's office. Um, just the other day, I felt pretty darn paralyzed by some of the work I'm doing. So, y'all know me on this podcast for the help seekers, and this is like the Untangled Mind Counseling kind of um, you know, forward-facing podcast. And so I've been doing this for seven years as podcast. I've had the practice for many years now. And what I'm doing now is I'm building clinical systems. Yeah. So I'm stepping into this whole behavioral health technology field that scares the crap out of me. And the other day I was so overwhelmed with all the what ifs, like, what the hell do I think I'm doing? I'm never gonna make this. This is insanity. Who do I think I am? I mean, like, if you can think of any question tumbling through someone's head, it was tumbling through mine. And I felt frozen. And I literally woke up like this. This was 8 a.m. I was frozen. And in that moment, I chose avoidance. 100%, I'm gonna be real. But I said to myself, at that moment, it was literally like 8:15. I was looking at the computer, and I said to myself, in this moment, I have to have relief because my mind was spinning. So, what did I do? I crawled into my bed, I pulled the covers over my head, and I took an hour nap. And then I decided, okay, now it's time to get up and get moving. So I chose relief, but I set a parameter to it. But I did choose it. So there's nothing wrong with that. I did not want to get on the computer and feel like a complete farce. I just wanted to go back to bed. So I don't really want to leave you with like this interesting psychological explanation and nothing to practical do with it. So I do want to turn this into something that you can use. So the next time you notice yourself postponing a decision, avoiding something super uncomfortable, or repeating a pattern that you're trying to change, I want you to consider these three questions. So grab a pencil and paper, push pause, whatever you need, and you write these down. First question: What am I getting from this choice right now? And I want you to be super specific. Don't just say temporary relief. So for my example, for me the other day, yes, I'm getting relief. Yes, I'm needing a nap because I'm exhausted. I didn't sleep last night. Those are really two of the big things. What I also know is naps, short-term naps for me, are a really good reset button. And I use them often. I even do it here in the office. I'll take a 20-minute cat nap. So I knew very specifically that this is a choice I can make, and I know it usually resets me. So ask yourself, what am I getting from this choice right now? So be specific. Are you getting relief from anxiety? Are you avoiding uncertainty? Are you protecting yourself from conflict? Are you conserving energy because you're genuinely exhausted? There's an important difference between identifying the function of your behavior and judging yourself for it. Okay. So you don't have to criticize a decision to understand why you're making it. And sometimes, honestly, when you examine it, you'll discover that the decision makes perfect sense. Okay. You may genuinely need rest, right? Or more information or additional support. That's great. However, there are going to be times where you're going to recognize that you're choosing relief from discomfort rather than responding to an actual need. Okay. So, first, what am I getting from this choice right now? Second, what might I be giving up if I keep making this same choice? Notice I said keep making the choice. We're not talking about one difficult day or one decision to postpone something. That's not what we're talking about. We're examining patterns. So if you continue avoiding that conversation, what might happen to the relationship? If you continue avoiding situations that trigger anxiety, What might happen to your confidence or willingness to try new things? Plus, we've got behavior habituation happening. If you continue putting your own needs last, what might happen to your physical and emotional resources? Okay. You don't need to imagine the worst possible outcome. In fact, I would discourage that in this instance. We're not trying to frighten ourselves into action. We're simply considering the likely consequences of repeating a behavior over time. So, question number two: what might be giving up if I keep making the same choice? Number three, question number three: what is one manageable action I can take today that supports what I want tomorrow? And remember that this is manageable. I'm emphasizing the word manageable. You don't have to resolve the entire problem. You don't need to have a perfect conversation or to eliminate your anxiety or make like a dramatic life change. I'm not saying that. But maybe you write down what you need to communicate. Maybe you make an appointment. Maybe you practice tolerating a little uncertainty without immediately seeking reassurance. Maybe one small step toward an activity would be helpful for the one that you're avoiding. The objective is to begin connecting your present behavior with your longer-term intentions. Because change doesn't occur simply because we promise ourselves that tomorrow is going to be different. We know this. It develops as we begin making different choices and practicing new responses and learning that we can tolerate some discomfort in service of what matters to us, right? Remember that gap? We have to practice new responses, new choices. This is learning. It takes time. So when the cost of change is real, and that's something that is another one that we need to consider, and it's important. Not every barrier is psychological. Some people delay decisions because they lack financial resources, support, safety, time, or realistic options. And I get that. And sometimes the consequences of taking act taking action are very substantial. So if you're in an unsafe relationship, for example, the solution isn't simply to have that difficult conversation you've been avoiding, right? Safety and planning come way before that. Or if you're financially overwhelmed, making a major change in your job or whatever, you can't do that right away, right? So we have to distinguish between the discomfort that accompanies growth and the very real constraints that shape people's circumstances. The purpose of examining our decisions isn't to assume that every difficult situation can be resolved through an individual effort. What it is is to identify where do we have some influence, you know, where we need additional support or where our habitual responses may be actually narrowing the choices available to us. So sometimes the next step is action, sometimes it's preparation, and sometimes it's recognizing that you need help developing a different approach. All of three of these can represent meaningful movement, but the whole point is meaningful movement. I see this so much with my trauma clients that oftentimes they hit the brakes, there's avoidance, there's excuses, there's whatever it is. And really what I want them to say is, Piper, I can't sustain this. This is too intense. I get that. I totally get that. And then I say to them, okay, we can pump the brakes, but if you stop here, how is that going to help tomorrow? So what are you promising yourself? I want to bring us back to that question we started with. How many promises have you made to yourself about tomorrow? Maybe there's something you've been meaning to address for a long time. Maybe you've been so accustomed to working around a problem that you've stopped actually noticing how much effort it takes. Or, or here's a big one, maybe you've convinced yourself that once your circumstances change, I hear this all the time, you'll finally be able to make the changes you've been considering. Sometimes the circumstances do need to change. I get that. But sometimes we're waiting for the discomfort to disappear because we're disappear because or before we're willing to act. Discomfort doesn't mean it's harmful. In fact, we know in previous episodes, some discomfort actually enhances learning and then it makes that brain of ours happy. So we can't wait for the discomfort to disappear before we're willing to act. And that can leave us wanting or waiting, excuse me, for a really, really long time. You don't have to make the whole difficult decision today. You don't have to choose discomfort simply to prove that you're making process, but you have to begin noticing when the relief you're getting in the present is coming at an expense of something important to you, even if it's those promises of tomorrow. How many of us say, I'm gonna lose weight, I'm gonna lose weight, I'm gonna lose weight, but I'm gonna put it off, I'm gonna wait till Monday to get to the gym, I'm gonna, you know, start cooking better meals next week when I get to the grocery store after I'm I am paid. All of those could be legitimate reasons, right? To losing weight. But if we're being honest, what are we actually avoiding with that? It's the discomfort of having to sit down, do the goals, get to the gym, do all the meal planning, do all this stuff. That's uncomfortable. And then it's wreaking havoc on our insecurities, right? But you have to begin noticing when the relief that you're getting today is coming at the expense of something important for you tomorrow. You can question the patterns you've developed and you can begin taking manageable steps that align with your future that you keep telling yourself that you want. So before you make another promise about tomorrow, ask yourself what today's decisions are supporting. Because the future isn't shaped only by what we intend to do. My husband has a saying that the road to hell is oh, who said that one? And maybe it was Winston Churchill. The road to hell is paved in intentions or something like that. The future isn't shaped only by what we intend to do, it's shaped by what we repeatedly practice today. That's it. That's it. So ask yourself, what are you promising yourself? Are you to trading today's dollars, relief, for tomorrow's promises? Yikes. So thanks for spending time with me. If today's discussion resonated with you, I've written a companion article that explores these concepts further and includes a simple decision check you can use in your everyday life. You can find at untangledmind.net. Until next time, catch you later. That brings us to the end of this episode. Thanks for joining me. I hope you learned some tools that can equip you to untangle your mind and untangle your life. If you're curious about working with me for your anxiety or trauma, head on over to my website at untangledmind.net to connect with me. If you enjoyed the show, please rate and review me on your podcast listening platform and share it with your friends and family. As always, thanks so much for listening to me, Piper Harris with the Untangled Mind Podcast. I'll talk with you next time.