Hello, and welcome to Poema Women's Success Coaching. I am Piper Harris and welcome to our podcast. We're going to dig into everything that's going to grow your poema personally, professionally, mentally, and emotionally. So find a comfortable spot and let's learn how you can connect with your poema and put it into action. Hey everyone, and welcome to the podcast. Glad you could make it today. So it's funny, uh, I've been thinking about some things. Obviously, in the business of coaching and going into counseling again, I'm reflecting a lot. Uh my professors are pushing me to reflect. My clients are pushing me to reflect. My um, you know, relationships that I have in my life are really there to help me reflect and build and grow. And hopefully you have those in your life as well. And if not, hopefully this podcast will really kind of drive you towards self-reflection and transformation. So it was really interesting. Um, this past week, um, I was kind of, I have to say, a bit of a mess, a bit of a mess. And I had a great conversation with a dear friend of mine. We talk bi-monthly. I've known her for gosh going on 20 years. Um, she's a licensed mental health counselor in Washington State. I mean, she has seen me go through the gamut of things. And um, isn't really awesome. We call it our sister time where we get together. We try to do bi-monthly, sometimes it's once a month, but we get on a video call and we chat, we laugh, we pray over things together, uh, and we really spur each other to growth and transformation. And um, so I told her, I said, I'm kind of a mess. And and she said, Yeah, I got that. I got that from some of the things you were saying. And so, really, what happened in this past week is I had to recognize some things. And um, it really dawned on me uh last, I guess it was last Wednesday, as I walked into Hobby Lobby. Now, if you are not in the Southeast and you don't know what Hobby Lobby is, I don't know that they have them in the Northwest where I'm from originally. Um, but I love me some Hobby Lobby. And I walked into Hobby Lobby and I was like, I am going to craft today. I haven't crafted for so long. I'm going to craft. And I put my earphones in, I listened to my 90s grunge music and kind of beboped down the aisles. Look, you know, ridiculous, of course. And just I absolutely went through every single aisle. I'm like, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do this. And so I came home with this giant bag of crafts, these things that I need to do. Keep in mind that last month I had started refinishing a table and the chairs, and those are sitting undone. But of course, I had to go craft. So I really did enjoy it. I really did enjoy it. I made this beautiful new fall wreath. It actually turned out really well. I made a bow, a double ribbon bow, first time ever, uh, that didn't look awful. Um, and it just felt so good. It felt so good. And so I got done. And the next morning I was sitting, I get up early before my family, and it dawned on me as like God spoke to me and said, Really, Piper? Is that really what you did? Did you just have to craft? And what I what dawned on me, what dawned on me is I was comforting myself. I was using going to Hobby Lobby and crafting as a numbing solution to what was actually going on. And is spending money on crafts really a bad thing? No. Is it a bad thing if you're on a budget and you have goals? Probably not the best choice. And listen, all of us, all of us have comforting habits, don't we? We we might binge watch Netflix and not get out of bed. We might eat the whole bag of popcorn. I'm guilty of that. We might drink the whole bottle of wine. We all have numbing, numbing reactions, don't we, in life? And and we have to be aware of these. And I just was absolutely not aware in the moment that I was crafting because I was numbing something. And so I had to chill out and recognize what was going on, but I didn't recognize it last week. I heard something, I ignored it, and then I talked to my dear friend last night, and this is what was going on. I just got wrapped around the axle about my end game. Am I gonna be a psychologist? Am I gonna be a licensed professional counselor? Should I get a doctorate in, you know, philosophy or psychology or counseling? What should I do? And I got so wrapped up in this that it built me into an absolute frenzy. And I didn't recognize I could feel it, and I can recognize that because I have definitely physical reactions when I work myself up into a frenzy. So maybe ask yourself these things physically. What I recognize with myself is I clench my jaw more. Um, I'm not sleeping as soundly, I might have some GI discomfort. I mean, there's all kinds of different things that I react physically, and those should be my first indications of Piper what's going on. But because I didn't clue into those first physical indications of what was going on, I went to numbing. And I did this very subconsciously. And I actually, I guess it was consciously, subconsciously, because a part of me consciously was like, Piper, you don't need to go to Hobby Lobby and go and spend $150 on crafts. You know, I so I did. I a part of me knew what I was doing, but a part of me was like, no, it's not that bad. It's just crafting, it's not that bad. And don't all of us do that. Don't all of us, when we get into these mindsets, whether we're anxious or depressed or whatever it is, rather than facing what is bothering us that's really eating at us, we're gonna numb. And then we talk ourselves into the numbing behavior. Oh, it's okay, it's fine. It's just, it's, it's fine. I can do this. And this can exhibit um in so many different ways. I've had a lot of clients that have come to me that have spending issues. Um, in fact, I would probably say three out of five clients come to me and they have some spending issues. And so when we get into, you know, why are you spending the money on X, Y, and Z and not staying within a budget? We're really recognizing, okay, what is what are those triggering feelings? What is the the triggering event? What's the situation that's leading you to these comforting or numbing habits? And here's the thing, it's always numbing, but then we tell ourselves in our mind, oh, it's just comforting, it's fine, right? That's what we do. We we reframe something that we know is pulling us away from, you know, uh identifying the feelings, the behaviors, the situations, whatever it may be, and and and reframing them, changing them, you know, reassessing the situation. So it was, you know, a lot of my clients have had shopping issues with that. And we've had to really work through that. And we've had to really go back and say, okay, what is it that you're uncomfortable with? And let's let's dig into this. And and now what are the things that we're going to do to ensure that you can to not fall prey to this again in the future? And, you know, it it was just really interesting because as I was sitting there talking to my girlfriend last night, and we're just talking about what's going on, getting caught up with husbands and kids and all that. I told her, you know, I just I don't know what to do about this. With you know, what am I gonna do in five years? And she said to me, she goes, Why are you wrapped up about this? I was like, Well, because I want I don't want to make a mistake. And she's like, Piper, you you're you are way out of bounds here. Like you, you need to take a step back because what are you actually accomplishing by worrying about things that are five down five years down the way? And she's like, I don't want to give you the wrong advice because God forbid I'm I'm I'm wrong, but I really think you're on the right track, but your track, you're you're tracking it too far out. And it was exactly what I needed to hear. And then this morning, in reflection of this conversation with her, I recognized, oh my gosh, I was numbing last week by going and crafting. And so I want to talk to you a little bit about those behaviors, about recognizing when we start numbing ourselves and we call it comforting, because we don't want to really face what's going on. We don't want to recognize the anxieties, the depression, even maybe we don't want to look in the face of those behaviors that we know we need to stop, but we just don't know how to stop. So there's four steps that I think are really going to be beneficial. And there's a couple other kind of tips I'll give you along the way, but there's really four steps that will be very beneficial once you understand your numbing behavior. Okay. So really the first thing, the first thing you have to do is ask yourself, what are some of those numbing behaviors or or comforting behaviors that I have? Or are they numbing and I've I've redefined them as comforting, right? And if you hear my dogs in the background, I apologize. It's a four-month-old puppy. So she's a bit of an idiot. Uh, so first you need to identify, you know, what are those behaviors? So for myself, I recognized it was crafting, which sounds silly. And it sounds like, Piper, what's the big big deal with crafting? But honestly, that's spending, that's spending. And regardless of what I was doing, it was also self-care. I'll have to say it was self-care. It was exactly kind of what I needed. But I have to recognize that maybe it was part of two things. It was the numbing and the self-care. But think about that for yourself. When you're feeling anxious about, say, work or anxious about what's going on with your kids, um, or you're feeling depressed, you're feeling as if nothing's going to turn around with this virus, with losing your job, with losing a loved one. Consider those, those feelings, those situations. And what are you doing in reaction to that? What are you doing in reaction to that? And this is a hard part. So I really suggest that you journal. You know, journal for a week, and it's gonna be a behavior journal to really recognize, you know, you do this on your phone, do it in an actual journal, whatever will help you stay on track with this, but recognize some of those numbing behaviors. What do they look like? Is it hitting snooze on your your alarm clock over and over and over again? Is that what it is? Is it uh overeating at lunch? Is it drinking too much caffeine because you just like the buzz and you don't want to think about the low? Is it um, you know, alcohol? Is it spending? Is it gossip? Is it social media? We all have those tendencies toward the numbing, toward the numbing, because we just don't want to face the situation or the feeling. Okay, so do a behavioral journal, track that to see what's going on. And if you have a hard time tracking it, ask someone that you really trust. Ask them to help you, you know, say to them, Do you recognize anything that I do in particular? Can you help me recognize this? Someone that you trust that you can speak with, like I said, my friend that I talked to, um, she's really great. She's great at really helping me recognize some of those behaviors that are you know not so great, right? So, so once you've done this, once you've really tracked your behavior, you have an idea, right? You have an idea of what it is, but then we've got to retrain, retrain those actions, retrain those actions. You know, I had a client, uh, I guess it's been a couple of years ago now, and she had a spending problem. She had a spending problem. And, you know, as a coach and having I coached her for a couple of years, I had guilt because I knew she had a spending problem, yet she's paying for coaching. And so it, it, I told her that, you know, like, hey, I recognize this and I recognize that you know you have a spending problem. So my job as your coach is to ensure that um we work on this together and that the money you spend with me is absolutely well worth your while. And so she and I had to really dig into some things and and what was happening with the spending. Well, what was interesting with her night's time together is we had originally started with nutrition and weight loss coaching years ago. And so we had worked on identifying eating behaviors, numbing behaviors with the eating, the lack of exercise, self-worth. We had really worked on those things. But what I didn't recognize, because we had probably about six or seven months that we weren't together when she came back to me, is she had swapped numbing behaviors. So rather than numbing with food, she had swapped to I'm gonna numb with spending. And it was like, oh my gosh, we've got to focus on what's the root of this so that we don't swap behaviors. And you know, you see a lot of people with addictions, uh, they might have, you know, say a methamphetamine addiction, and they come clean, they are sober with methamphetamines, but they might move to alcohol or they might move to say a prescription drug. Um, and so, so it's about identifying the root. Okay, so recognize that too, that numbing behaviors can change over time, much like myself, where it used to be food and it went to crafting. So once you've identified these things, once you've identified these numbing behaviors um and that they can morph and change into other things, there's four steps that you can take. So the first step is you've got to pause. So many times when we're in the midst of these emotions that we don't want to talk about, these uh these that we don't want to identify these emotions or these situations, we just we run straight into the numbing, don't we? Because it feels better initially, right? It feels better initially. So you've got to teach yourself to pause instead of acting, reacting to these feelings right away. You've got to stop. You've got to stop and think things through. Um, so you can do you can come up with your own strategies. You can come up with your own strategies. So whether that's okay, I'm feeling this, I'm feeling maybe I'm comforting or I'm numbing with something right here. I'm gonna go for a walk with a dog, or I'm gonna go take a shower, or you know, whatever it is, find something that's going to stop that thought process that or that uh initial reaction to those feelings and and pause and think about it and say, okay, what's going on? And that's number two, acknowledge what you're feeling, acknowledge what you're feeling. So, for example, with my crafting, gosh, what I needed to do was I needed to acknowledge that I was feeling highly anxious on trying to determine my path five years from now. That's crazy. Yes, everybody needs to plan, but I mean, I was highly anxious, and I really needed to acknowledge what I was feeling. Now, listen, this is emotional feeling and physically feeling. I think so many times people, when we get started talking about emotions and feelings, they think that that's the only place that they're going to exhibit, and it's absolutely wrong. Your body manifests your feelings. In fact, I did a podcast, I think it's on my old podcast. I can add them on here, but I talked about that we're gonna feel them in three major places in our gut, in our gut. So that's an initial kind of like, okay, something's off, maybe your intuition, so your gut, you're gonna feel in your heart like a heaviness, and then your brain is going to kick in and say, Whoa, that's the logic that's gonna kick in. But you're going to feel a physical reaction. So identify your feeling, not only mentally and emotionally, am I mad? Am I sad? Am I hurt? But where am I feeling this within my physical self? So, for my for my example with my anxiety, gosh, I was grinding my teeth and I was having headaches and I had some GI discomfort. That is all absolutely connected to this feeling and the reason why I'm numbing. So, number three, number three is you need to think about it. So you've paused, you've acknowledged what you're feeling, both mentally, emotionally, and physically. And then you you really do need to think about it. You need to take a few moments and say, okay, this is what I'm feeling, and this is why I think this behavior I'm going to do that I want to do is going to make me feel better. And in in when you're thinking about it, really try to kind of stand outside of yourself, like you're speaking to a friend. You know, disassociate from this experience within yourself and look at it and say, okay, if I'm speaking to a friend, I understand that you're feeling this way, you're feeling anxious, you're feeling sad, you're feeling angry, you're feeling rage, you're feeling terror, whatever those things are that you're feeling. I understand you're feeling those things. And and what you would like to do is you would like to numb with alcohol, you would like to numb with food. If you choose to numb that, how long is that gonna last? How long is that gonna last? And what are the ramifications going to be if you choose the numbing behavior? Are you going to feel better? Is it going to go away? Or are you going to have to numb again? So thinking, thinking it through, thinking it through as a out kind of out-of-body thing, if I follow through with this numbing behavior without acknowledging these feelings that I'm feeling emotionally, mentally, and physically, and I go through with this numbing, where is that going to end me up? What does that look like? Conversely, say to yourself, conversely, if I choose to acknowledge these feelings mentally, emotionally, and physically, and recognizing that I want to numb, but here are the things that I can do that are positive, that are going to help me move through this rather than be stuck in it in that loop of numbing. If I choose to do something different in a more positive manner, what does that look like for me? What does that look like for me? So the biggest thing is when you're thinking it through, think about both scenarios. Consider how that's going to look and what are the consequences going to be with whatever choice? You know, what's the end result with which choice? So number four is based on what you thought through, based on what you thought through, the different different scenarios. And at this point, I know it sounds like, oh my gosh, Piper, this is such a huge thing. This doesn't have to take you 25 minutes to work through, but you do have to practice this. In the beginning, it is going to take you time because you've got to be vigilant with these behaviors that are absolutely just naturally occurring because you've been numbing for so long. It's a habit. Habits are tough to identify and to redefine. Okay. So this might take a little bit longer in the beginning, but once you practice this over and over, you can go through these steps in moments, in moments. So, number four is taking action on helping yourself based on what you came up with with your thinking step, thinking it through. So, what does that help look like? Well, if you're working with someone like me, we're going to identify those choices that you can make outside of the numbing behaviors. Well, um, rather than drink than drinking a bottle of wine, I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna make some hot green tea. Rather than going and eating a sleeve of Oreos, I'm gonna take my dog for walk. Rather than binge watching Netflix, I'll give myself one 30-minute sitcom that's going to make me laugh. And then I'm gonna call a friend. So it's identifying different scenarios to swap out, swap out the numbing habits, the negative habit that's causing some of the grief in your life and swapping it with the positives. So you really do need to come up with a list of things that you can do rather than rather than uh, you know, the the numbing behaviors, the numbing behaviors. So it is funny, isn't it? It's funny that um I I acknowledged, you know, I I paused for a moment when I walked into Hobby Lobby. I paused for a moment and I thought uh there's something going on. I know there's something going on, but it's okay. I it's fine. I I love Hobby Lobby and this is good. This is self-care. So I kind of felt the feeling, but I displaced the actual root feeling and I focused on the positive feeling. Which here's the thing, too. If you can identify better behaviors, like I said, crafting is better than me going and eating my feelings, right? However, then there's a spending involved. You have to be able to see the whole thing and acknowledge where you're you're reframing things just because you want your way, right? So last week is funny, you know, I was in this scenario and I kind of felt it. I kind of felt it was there, but it took my friend to say to me, hey, hold up a second. You your behavior is indicative of this anxiety that you're creating in your life. And so that's a tip I have for you is you're not alone in in this process. You're not alone in the behavior tracking. I know that's it's a lot of work, but you're not alone in the steps of pausing, acknowledging what you're feeling emotionally, mentally, physically, thinking it through, um, and choosing a helpful um choice, you know, in that thinking step. But you're not alone. So build that community. I'm telling you, that is so enormously important for everyone. Um, and and recognize who in that community is going to help you through dirt certain things. You're gonna you're gonna have people in your life that they're not capable of helping you through these things because maybe they're working on things themselves, and that's fine. So make sure you have a few people in your life that you can rely on that can give you, you know, great insight without just. Judgment, great insight without judgment. And I think that's a really big thing. And so build your community. That's one of the biggest things that I would challenge you to do when you you recognize numbing or comforting behaviors, is and just so very helpful. So very helpful to build a community. And by building a community, this community that, you know, they're not going to, you know, create a codependency. You don't ever want that. But this by building a community with individuals that can kind of call you on that behavior in a loving, a loving way. So this is tough, right? This is tough when we get stuck into those, those comforting, numbing behaviors. And there's a lot of other things that you can do to overcome numbing behaviors. And like I said, make a list. Make a list of those negative, not so great numbing behaviors. And what are some things that are more positive? And here's what I want to say too. We all live life on a continuum. I believe this. I tell my clients this all the time. Living in black and white, um, I understand for some morals, you know, values, I do understand that. But for the most part, people live on a continuum. And by telling yourself, no, it's only this way or that way, can be really hard. And so when I talk to my clients about um, you know, building out these alternatives, I always say to them, good, better, best. So we've got this negative habit, this negative numbing um habit that we have over here. And I'm holding up my left hand side, my left hand, um, I talk with my hands, you can't see me, but uh, you have this negative habit on the left. And then in the middle, from the left, all the way down to the right of your hand, um, we've got a continuum, a continuum of good, better, best. So when you're coming up with alternatives, it does not have to be the very best alternative. For example, did I go crafting? Yes, I did. Was it better than drinking or eating my feelings 100%? Could I have done better? Sure. I could have looked at the things I had at my house and crafted with those, right? So, good, better, best. When you're coming up with alternatives, don't think you have to go from one extreme, oh my gosh, this is such a bad behavior, to I'm gonna do the best behavior and be the star student. Because if you do that, you are going to be exhausted. And here's the thing the whole point is for us to recognize those numbing behaviors and change those behaviors. If you are going to absolutely go from one spectrum to the other spectrum, boy, that's gonna be tough. Now, now, this is the thing I'm gonna say. The only caveat to living on a spectrum of good, better, best. If you are suffering with addiction, drug and alcohol addiction, even sex addiction, um, there are those situations where you absolutely 100% have got to stop the behavior. 100%. There's no continuum. There, there's not. Um, so when you're in that situation, that's when I suggest that you work with a professional. Maybe you're in a 12-step program like AA, but you're still going to be working through the steps of pausing, acknowledging what you're feeling mentally, emotionally, physically, thinking it through and coming to an action step. But you do need the community. You do need an individual to help you because you cannot have a continuum of good, better, best when it comes to drug, alcohol, sex addiction, those things that are absolutely going to interrupt your life and the live, the lives of those around you, you know. So though there is a caveat to that. So let me ask you, what have you been numbing this last week? And what have you been numbing with? And is there a better alternative? Good, better, best? And is it a really bad thing that you numbed with, or is it just kind of okay? Something to think about, something to think about. And remember, the the greatest benefit to all of what I'm talking about today is that self-res self-reflection, that self-reflection, building on that and and working towards that, and the transformation that you can create in your life. And and you can. I believe that every human being is absolutely capable of transforming themselves. And and that belief of I can do this, I can transform myself, it's it's one really hard step forward and 10 back. I mean, that's just what transformation is. It that is just what it is. But the self-reflection and this process of pausing, acknowledging what you're feeling mentally, emotionally, physically, and thinking it through, and then taking those action steps, that is really, really a wonderful opportunity, four steps for you to build on your growth and your transformation. And remember, find a community. I would not have honestly recognized this if my friend last night hadn't said, What are you doing? Um, and so build that community and have those individuals in your life that can really build you up and help you to recognize that you're using numbing or comforting habits rather than acknowledging what's going on. So, what are you numbing or comforting with? Wow, that's a big topic, isn't it? I hope that this is helpful to you. Four steps, and it really is going to lead you to self-reflection and self-transformation. So thanks for joining me today. I've appreciated our time together. I hope to talk to you soon. If you have questions about coaching with me with Poema, women's success coaching, head on over to piperharris.net. I would love for you to check some things out and you know, send me a message. Would love to talk to you as well. Thanks so much for joining me today, and I'll talk to you next time. Thanks again for joining me today. It really does mean the world to me. So remember, you can put your poem of purpose into action. And if you enjoyed today's episode, please make sure to share it on your social media with your friends, with your family. I want nothing more than to help you transform your life and put that poem of purpose into action. And, you know, how does that look for you? Well, this is a way for you to discover it through this podcast. You can work with me through coaching. But again, thank you so much for your support. If you have more questions about coaching who I am, head on over to piperharris.net. You can sign up for a monthly newsletter or we can just chat. I would love to get to know you. So thanks again. And we will discuss more on how you can put your poem and purpose into action in future episodes.