Hello and welcome to Poema Women's Success Coaching. I am Piper Harris and welcome to our podcast. We're going to dig into everything that's going to grow your poema personally, professionally, mentally, and emotionally. So find a comfortable spot and let's learn how you can connect with your poema and put it into action. Hello, hello everyone. Thank you for joining me today. Really looking forward to digging into this topic, especially in the light of the holidays are right around the corner. The presidential elections are just in a couple weeks, and this pandemic just seems like it is just not going away. So there's a lot. There's a lot that all of us are faced with. And I think that what I'm noticing, not only for myself, but some of uh the relationships in my life, I'm hearing a common theme. And that is this overthinking and this anxiety that we are all kind of just living in, whether we are still really in quarantine at home, or even if we're still allowed to go in the office, there's this overarching anxiety that so many of us are feeling. And it's really hard to control, isn't it? It's really hard to control. So the reason I really want to dig into this today is again, I said that, you know, I'm hearing this theme generally with my clients, with friends, with family. So the other day I was having a conversation with someone, and um, it really started off with, well, what do you think? I've got these two situations where I'm involved with these two groups. Keep in mind this is a person that um is an older adult, retired, and they were discussing with me, you know, what do you think is the right decision? I'm really worried about this coronavirus, and I'm I want to make sure I'm safe. But on the flip side, I also don't want to isolate myself so much. And I could tell that through our conversation, they weren't being quite um as as open with some of the feelings that they were having. Um, it's kind of one of those things when you when you purposely, when I'm speaking to clients, I can hear them deleting or distorting certain things. So I can tell that they're talking around a subject or maybe they're distorting some things. And so that's my opportunity to go in and have a real conversation with them about, okay, let's let's dig into this. I am I'm recognizing maybe you're not giving me the whole picture. Are you comfortable doing this? You know, so all that to be said, they had this conversation with me. They started off saying, you know, I've got these two opportunities. I really enjoy them. They get me out of the house, but this coronavirus makes me nervous, and I'm seeing people that aren't taking precautions. And then I have this other situation where I feel a responsibility to individuals, and I don't want to get sick and then not be able to care for these individuals. So we really talked through these two different opportunities, these two different opportunities. And having gone through this conversation, I recognize that this individual really had made a decision, really had made a decision, but there was anxiety and fear in that decision. And the decision was this I'm gonna choose not to go to group A because I feel like they're not being responsible when it comes to the pandemic. I'm in the age demographic that I could get really sick, they're not wearing masks, they're not distancing, and uh I feel like I need to stop going there so that I can ensure that my responsibility remains with group B. However, I'm very nervous, and this is what I was hearing kind of the the I wasn't hearing everything. However, what I was getting from this individual is I am feeling very anxious about not having that social structure. And so we really discussed about the anxiety that's being felt with making that decision. And the first conversation that I had, or the first question I posed to this individual, was listen, it sounds like you've made your decision. You really want to maintain your responsibility with group B, but you need to accept this decision. You are making the choice to make this decision. And by making this choice, you are also choosing to have less interaction with human beings. So knowing that you are choosing that, that one choice leads to another choice. So choosing group B means you're not gonna have as much interaction and interaction with individuals, accept that choice. Don't don't waver because part of the inner strife that I was seeing on this individual was this inner turmoil, this inner anxiety of, but if I if I really totally choose group B, then I know I'm I'm making a choice to be more isolated. So then we talked through what are some strategies while you're isolated, but this is what happened with the conversation. What happened with this conversation is then I just listened, and what then happened, what took place, is then I started hearing that there was some fear that started to come in. Well, I heard the story about somebody, and I think this is what's happening, and now I'm I'm I'm fearful. I'm fearful. So, what I was hearing from this individual is this anxiety and strife surrounded by isolation around the pandemic, not really knowing what was going to take place, was now feeding, was feeding into this kind of fearful paranoia, and it was allowing this this catastrophizing of a small, I wouldn't say small, but an incident that she this individual had heard of. So it was it was interesting having this conversation because what I could see was taking place was an individual that was really fighting this this anxiety, this overthinking that was taking place because of this this pandemic, because of you know what happens because of this pandemic and and what's happening because of the presidential election. And you know, it was just kind of this this hamster on a wheel, just over and over and over again. And then what happened from that is because there weren't those those tools in their toolbox um to you know overcome these patterns of thinking, then it led to fear, it led to catastrophizing all of these things. And I want to ask you, is that something that happens to you? I know that this is something that I am prone to as well. Um, I shared a couple podcasts ago that I just got on the hamster wheel about you know education and what's it gonna look like in five years? And it was just crazy because I allowed the anxiety to put me on this hamster wheel and I totally lost sight of here and now. And so I'm prone to it. I'm willing to bet that you're prone to it. So, what is it right now that you are maybe overthinking that you're feeling this anxiety? So today I want to talk about that. Today I want to talk about how we can, you know, work through these and have some strategies and tools in our toolbox. So when we feel ourselves going this direction, we can we can grab a hold of our lifeline, our toolbox lifeline, and and talk ourselves out of that hamster wheel. And and uh, you know, honestly, to avoid the fear and the catastrophizing and you know, to avoid even deeper pains that you might be feeling with overthinking or or a low-level, I would say, anxiety. So the first thing really that we have to talk about is that there are two very destructive thought patterns, two very destructive thought patterns. I've talked about this in the past, I talk about this a lot with my clients. The first one is ruminating. And so that is really going over something in the past. So uh, with a lot of my clients that have come to me with career dilemmas, um, I hear a lot of the rumination of I should have said something in the meeting, um, I should have asked for that promotion. Um, why didn't I speak up when I was spoken down to spoken down to? So there's just constantly rehashing the past, and I wish I could have. And I don't know about you. I mean, I've definitely been in those situations where I've been treated poorly. And boy, I tell you, the next evening I'm laying in bed trying to fall asleep, and I think about all the ways I would have done it differently. So that's the first really destructive thought pattern that we need to be aware of. The second one is the worrying. And so that is again the anxiety, the cast catastrophizing. You're really what what happens with worry is that you're you're trying to predict the future. You're you're stuck in this anxious thought process, you're looking towards the future. The what-ifs, what if I don't do this right? You know, the what if monster really gets you. Um, and so when when we get stuck, when we get stuck in these destructive thought processes, that's when we start feeling this just complication in our inner selves. We're super stressed out, we are paralyzed in making a decision. And and you know, what do we do with this? What do we do with this? And so, you know, overthinking is it can be a nuisance. There's a lot of people that are overthinkers. My husband's one of them, he'll say, I just overthink too much. And um, and so you know, there's overthinking, but then if you stay in overthinking, if you stay in overthinking, that's going to again lead to these two destructive thought patterns, and that can lead you down the road to other dangerous things. So when when you're stuck in these situations, when you're stuck in these situations, you know, if you find yourself dwelling on your mistakes or problems, um, or you are starting to feel your mental health decline. When you're starting to feel your mental health decline, so you might be ruminating so much to the point where you're just angry all the time and you start to withdraw, or maybe you worry so much that you lock yourself away in the house. You really have to understand that these danger, there is true danger to overthinking and what's going on, and that it can it can lead to serious emotional distress. And listen, we're seeing that right now, aren't we? We're seeing that right now with this pandemic. So we really have to have a toolbox. We have to have a toolbox. What can we do when we get stuck in these anxious feelings? We can't feel, we feel like we just can't make a choice, we we are fearful of what's to come. So there's there's some things that you can do. There's some things that you can do. So the first thing is you really need to notice when you're thinking too much, when you're just really going into this and it's your only thought. So when I was speaking to this individual, I said, Well, so you and I have had this conversation. We had this conversation five days ago. Why are we having this conversation again? I thought you had made a decision. And so we kind of went down that path of you've got to understand and be aware that you are rehashing the same conversation that's building up this anxiety and this fear and this paranoia. So the first thing that you need to do is pay attention, pay attention to how much you're thinking. Acknowledge that you're overthinking and this is not productive. And so that's why I said to this individual, okay, well, we had this conversation a couple, you know, five days ago. Why are we back at this conversation again? So, number one is you've really got to notice, uh, you know, be aware that you're chewing on the cud, right? You're chewing on the cud that you were just going over and over and over in this in your mind. Number two, the second thing you need to do is you really have to challenge your thoughts. You really have to challenge your thoughts. So, with this individual with the first scenario, I said, Well, let's talk about this. You know, you've got group A in group B. So it sounds like you've chosen group B, but what is your fear about saying no to group A? So, really challenge, is it really that bad? And I said, Okay, if you don't go to group A, what does that really mean? Are you really going to be isolated or is it fear of greater isolation than you're making it? And so we really had to talk about are you exaggerating? Are you catastrophizing what's going to come out of the situation? So you've really got to challenge your thoughts when it comes to this overthinking and this anxiety-inducing hamster wheel that you're on. The third thing that is so helpful, and this is something that I work with with all of my clients, is you've got to put action toward solving the problem. Thinking is the hamster wheel, right? There's nothing that you're you're fixing with it if you're just thinking over and over and over again. So many times I discuss with my clients, okay, you're going to give this problem that you're thinking about X amount of time, and they're going to define X amount of time. But when you're done and you've finished X amount of time, you must come up with a solve a solution to your problem. Um, and so you really have to keep that focus on the action of finding a problem or a solution to your problem. Action begets action, not moving begets that hamster wheel, doesn't it? It's just this constant thing, but there's no there's no solution to the problem that you're doing. So really keep focused on how can I have an action to this? And so, you know, if you don't have a coach or a counselor, you know, you can walk yourself through this. But for me in this situation, I said, okay, so we know what you're chewing on, we know that you are thinking about this too much. Uh what is it that you're so afraid of with choosing option A over choosing option B? And number three was, okay, so the solution, you figured out the solution, but you also have to resolve what that solution is going to mean by choosing A, what's going to happen to B. And so, and then we went further and said, okay, what are some things that you can put into place to ensure that you're feeling, you know, more mentally um prepared um for possible isolation, possible isolation. And again, talking about let's not catastrophize this, let's let's really talk about what's happening here now. So really make it solution focused. What's the action that I'm gonna take with this? And I do this with all of my clients when I hear them that are they're they're especially um women in situations, especially in their careers or even with their you know close women friendships, I hear them ruminating a lot. And so I have to bring them back in the conversation saying, okay, we've talked about this individual for the last 15 minutes. Let's talk about you because what you're ruminating on is on this individual, and that individual is not sitting here today. So what are we going to do with this? So really bring it back to the solution. The fourth thing that you really do is you have to take time for reflection. You have to really take time to allow your thoughts to happen. So a lot of times I just I with some of my clients, um, I suggest they just kind of have a free flow time, whether it's journaling, it's typing, they're walking, but allow your mind to really reflect, um, to allow yourself to worry if you need to, to to mull over whatever it is that you need to mull over, but it is a defined amount of time. And when it's up, you're done. When it's up, you're done. So whether it's, you know, sitting and journaling for five minutes in the morning because you're really frustrated and going back into the office, you don't know what to do. Whether it's going um to go for a walk during your lunch break because you're just so frustrated, give yourself that time and that's fine. And have the reflection time, ruminate, chew on it, and then you are done. You have a set amount of time. So you've got to really stop that overthinking, that that overthinking. The next thing you need to do is really practice mindfulness. So this really goes back to being aware of how much are you thinking about a particular thing, being mindful of what is stemming from this thing that you're really overthinking, that you're anxious over. What are the root feelings that you're having with this? And I think it's so important for us to name the feelings that we're having uh with what we're facing, you know. So with this individual talking to them about choosing, you know, group A or group B, what are the feelings that you're really having? And it really came down to the fear of isolation that scares me. I don't know what that means for my mental health. Um, you know, so we walked through the mindfulness of what is these, what are these feelings that I'm I'm getting stuck on? And is there, is there a common theme when I get stuck in overthinking and ruminating or worrying? So really practice mindfulness when it comes to your thinking. And lastly, you've got to just stop. Sometimes um, you know, telling yourself all of these things and working through these things just simply do not work. They just don't work. And so, really, what you have to do then is you have got to walk away and you've got to stop. So, with this individual, I was like, Well, how much news are you listening to? How much news radio are you listening to? It is time for you to turn it off. It is time for you to shut it down because sometimes the best thing that you can do, the best solution you have to this worry, um, or you know, this rumination or this worry is you've just got to stop. So engage in something else. Engage in something else, whether you go work out, whether you go work out in the yard, whether you go have a you know glass of wine with a friend after work, whatever it is, you've got to stop it because sometimes you just have to distract your mind from that barrage of negativity. Sometimes you just have to do that. So this sounds simplistic, doesn't it? It sounds super simplistic. Um, but it's a start. It really is a start. And I think a lot of us are on this hamster wheel of overthinking things. We are faced with so much right now, and I'm just hearing this as a theme. So whether you're ruminating or you're worrying, there are dangers to overthinking. They really are, because it's going to lead you into this tailspin of negative mental health. It really is. It's going to decline how you see yourself, how you're dealing with your everyday life. And it's just this hamster wheel cycle that you can't get off of. So you've got to, you've got to learn ways to de-stress, to de-stress so that you don't go to unhealthy coping strategies. You know, whether that's gossiping or that's all you talk about with somebody, whether it's turning to alcohol, whether, you know, whatever it may be, um, you you have to be very careful with these things. And so again, we're all in the midst of this right now. And I think we're all, I'm seeing this so much in personal relationships and clients and with myself. So you've got to notice when you're thinking about something too much. You've got to notice. I will never forget a couple years ago, uh, a friend of mine, we were hanging out, and um, she just is a news junkie. I mean, a news junkie. And she's like, right? And she was talking to me about stuff. What do you think? And I just said, you know, I have no clue. I the last 30 minutes that you've talked at me, I I don't know because I don't, I don't want to put my energy into that. And it was so interesting because as we're sitting in her living room, she had this visible aha moment and she goes, Oh my gosh, I am way consumed with this. This is this is too much. And it was so funny. She said, I, you know, to me, she's like, I promise you, I'm gonna find something that I can talk to you about that's not just about the news. So, right in that moment, she noticed, wow, I am talking at Piper and I am thinking way too deeply into what I saw in the news today. Um, so it was great. It was great to see her have this like personal aha moment. And and you know, what was really uh wonderful about her aha moment as well as the one that you can have in this is that I felt honored with her aha because when we are stuck in this thinking too much and this anxiety, what do we do? We uh we take the room over, we suck the life out of the room because we have to talk about what's going on. We're ruminating, we're we're venting, whatever you want to call it, but you don't leave room for anybody else. And that really is detrimental to relationships. So by noticing when you're thinking too much or noticing when you're talking too much about what you're thinking, this really does honor the other individuals and the relationships in your life, which is a wonderful thing. Uh, you know, I know you don't want to take over the room and that's all you're gonna do, um, you know, in venting and whatever it may be. So this really honors the other people in your life. When you notice when you're thinking too much, you're ruminating too much, you're venting too much, whatever it may be. Number two, remember, challenge your thoughts. You've really got to challenge where you're catastrophizing. Am I going too far with this? What are the actual negative outcomes? Like real life. Let's not, let's not do the, you know, there's a 0.1% chance. No, actual, actual things. Do you have evidence of why you're catastrophizing this situation? So, really challenge your thoughts. And if you have a hard time doing that yourself, ask somebody that you trust that is gonna be okay with challenging what you're saying. You know, you've got to have those people in your life that challenge you. You know, it's really interesting on that subject. Uh, I wrote a paper this past week and we were just talking about some implicit biases that we all carry. And I was talking about a situation where a dear friend of mine, black woman, uh really challenged me was something I said. And um, boy, I at first I was like, ouch, that really hurt. How could she challenge me? She knows I love her, and you know, and but it was such a wonderful thing to have that community, to have that individual say, Hey, Piper, I know what you're trying to say, but by you saying that negates what I'm feeling. It was fabulous. So, so, and I wrote about that in this paper. So, when you're challenging your thoughts, if you're struggling challenging yourself, when you're getting carried away with this overthinking and this negativity, have those people, have those people that can say, Hey, you are way over exaggerating how bad this is. Let's work through this. You need you need those people in your corner. You need them. So, number three, don't forget to really focus on the solution. Make it an action. So action begets action. So, how are you going to find a solution to this problem? You need to define the steps, what you're gonna do, and you're gonna avoid this in the future. So, really focus on how can I find an active solution to what's taking place? Okay, because rumination, worrying, what does it do for you? It does absolutely nothing. You're stuck on that hamster wheel. Uh, then remember to schedule time for reflection and you have to schedule it. I'm telling you, this is one of the hardest things for some of my clients. I'll tell them if they're really stuck on something that's taken place, I'll say, okay, you set a timer on your phone, whatever you want to do, and I'm gonna give you, say, 10 minutes to sit there and just stew and vent and ruminate. And when that alarm goes off and your 10 minutes is done, you have nothing else. You don't, you you're not allowed. And boy, if you all have a pattern of worry or rumination, this is a very, very hard pattern to rewrite. So it's good. I mean, put a timer out there, but when you're done, you are done. You are not allowed to keep going after that time frame. Okay. Um, you also have to be mindful. Remember to be very mindful. You have to be mindful of like where where are my feelings constantly or my thoughts constantly rooted in? What are they rooted in? Like it with the anxiety with this individual, this fear, what is that really in? Well, it's about isolation. Okay, well, what about the isolation is so scary to you, you know. So, really digging into what is the root, being mindful of these feelings and this overthinking that's taking taking place. And finally, listen, sometimes our minds will not go off. And all the thinking and talking ourselves through these steps and and talking to individuals, sometimes they just won't. So you need to divert your brain from going that way. Because again, if you have a pattern of overthinking and and you know, the the rumination, the worrying, then it's gonna be really hard. So you have got to distract your mind from this barrage of negativity and this anxiety that you're feeling. Go work out, go call a friend, but don't vent. Uh, you know, go watch a comedy, go take a bath, go paint your nail, you know, whatever it is. You sometimes you just have to frankly distract your mind from what's going on and getting off that hamster wheel. So thanks for joining me today. Are you overthinking? Are you overthinking? Are you stuck in this pattern of anxiety and of fear? And is it really kind of turning into this nasty monster that's it's turning into fear and paranoia and you're catastrophizing, you know, different scenarios and it just, you know, if if that's where you're at, if that's where you're at, hey, you're not alone. All of us are fighting that right now, every single one of us, but you can start to work through it and and try these these steps. Try these steps in helping you overcome this ruminating and this worry and stop it from it becoming massive anxiety and fear and paranoia. You can stop it. You have a choice. And if you if you can't figure it out, get some help. Talk to someone like me, go find a counselor, whatever you need to do to work through this. There are people like me that are gonna help you. We're gonna lovingly challenge you and say, listen, let's talk about this. Um, and we're gonna help you work through this and reform new patterns, new positive thinking patterns, and break free from these negative, destructive thinking patterns. So, thanks for so much for joining me today. I look forward to speaking to you again. Try these tips out. I bet you it's gonna help you with all that we're faced with. I hope this finds you well and safe. My prayers are with you. Hey there, thanks so much for joining me today. This is Piper Harris with Poema Women's Success Coaching. If you enjoyed today's podcast, I would ask that you please share it on your social media. That would be huge for me. I want to empower you into your poema purpose. This is that God-given purpose, and I know, I know you have been given one. And that's what you're gonna hear on Poema Women's Success Coaching. So share this podcast. I would greatly appreciate it. And remember, you can put your poema purpose into action. And if you have questions, reach out to me, head on over to piperharris.net. There's an easy form on there, and let's chat. So thanks for joining us. And remember, you can discover your poema purpose and put it into action.