Hello, and welcome to Poema Women's Success Coaching. I am Piper Harris and welcome to our podcast. We're going to dig into everything that's going to grow your poema personally, professionally, mentally, and emotionally. So find a comfortable spot and let's learn how you can connect with your poema and put it into action. Hey everyone. Thank you for joining me today. I hope that uh you are healthy and well. Uh, if you're on the East Coast, boy, I hope that you have done okay with uh the hurricane Zeta coming through. I know we got hit pretty gut hard here in Atlanta. So hope and pray that all of you are safe, are safe. So today we are diving into a topic that I think is especially relevant for women and those of us that are going into our 40s or in our 40s or even maybe mid-30s, where we start noticing that friendships are are really hard to navigate. And I think that this is especially important to discuss because I think that there are some real pitfalls to the importance that we put on friendships. And so what I want to say to you is that friendship is secondary in your life. It's vital. It's vital to your positive mental health, but it is not the ultimate in your life. And we need to learn how to discern, you know, how we're how we're using friendships and what those friendships look like, especially in our 40s, and and how to navigate that. So, as a lot of you may know, uh friendship, uh, friendships have actually been researched quite a bit. And there's so much evidence that shows that having positive relationships in your life can increase your mental health. In fact, there's a lot of research on um adolescents that are deficient in those positive friendships and relationships in their life, that they lead to depressive symptoms. And they can also, if if they don't learn um how to manage these relationships in a positive way, that these depressive symptoms can actually lead to um maladaptive behaviors as young adults and as adults. And so, you know, the the research is out there that yes, you know, friendships are very positive for the mental health. But here's the thing research is starting to look at the negative sides of friendship. And I know as you're listening in, you can probably think about some friendships in your life where you think, gosh, I should have gotten out of that one a long time ago. Or boy, what did I see in that friendship? They really hurt me. You know, we all have those things that that we have, you know, those memories that we have in our life. You know, as I was getting ready for today's podcast, I was just thinking about friendships, you know, really reflecting on friendships over the years. And as an adolescent, I can say I had some really core friendships in my life. In fact, I still talk to these women to this day, and they all have hold this very special place in my heart because obviously, as an adolescent, we are, you know, navigating middle school, which is just awful. And boy, I was a nerd. I was lucky to have any friends, you know. I had headgear and glasses, and oh man, I was I was lucky. And the name Piper, I was lucky to have those friends, but they're still friends to today. But I was thinking about I had one group of friends, two girls that were friends, and they both lived within a couple blocks of each other, and I lived down the road from them. I had to be driven to their houses, and the three of us were very, very close all through middle school. And I remember um trying to navigate this relationship with them. I had a lot of kind of fear of them hanging out without me, you know, and many times we would get together and I would remember they would have this kind of side side conversation. I'll never forget there was a boy in the neighborhood, in their neighborhood, and they had had um, you know, hang they hung out with him. And I wasn't there because I wasn't in their neighborhood. And these two gals were talking about this guy and that one of my friends hooked up with him. And oh, he got a she got a kiss. And it was this insider story, and I wasn't a part of it, and I was so hurt. Like I'm sitting there listening to them kind of talk and chuckle about getting a kiss from this boy, and you know, they were part it just I just remember listening to them and trying to envision what took place, and my heart hurt, my heart hurt so terribly that I had been left out, and that led me to wondering, am I good enough? Do they really like me like they say they do? So I was thinking about that friendship um in middle school, and then I started reflecting on friendships in high school, and I had one very, very dear friend, and it's so funny. Um, I I'm really good at blocking out bad stuff. I don't know about any of you, but she and I didn't talk for quite some time. And eventually she and I came back together. She said, Well, Piper, it was because of the green sweater. I'm like, what? We didn't talk because of a green sweater. And apparently I flipped out on her because she didn't take care of my green sweater. Now, I don't remember this. I have no idea. Obviously, I was immature, and who ends a friendship over a green sweater? But I do remember with she and I's relationship, there was a whole summer she didn't talk to me. Like she was gone. She stopped talking to me, and I was crushed. She was my bestie. And ultimately, when we got past it, I had learned that she had had a breast reduction. And she just was really kind of navigating the embarrassment. She told me later on she felt kind of embarrassed that she had such big breasts, she had to have, you know, this surgery. She was navigating just her personal things. And I took it as she doesn't love me anymore. I'm not good enough for her. And I remember feeling deep pain when I didn't hear from her for an entire summer. And so as I was kind of reflecting about these friendships, these young friendships, you can see how, you know, important positive relationships, especially in our adolescence, they can really build us up. I felt encouraged, I felt strong, I felt confident when I had them. But boy, I tell you, when I didn't feel that with them or things went awry, or I perceived things as going awry, I was broken. It it wreaked havoc on me. And I remember this so much in middle school and high school, the tears I shed and the anger and just so many different feelings surrounding friendships. And you know, now, you know, in my 40s, in my 40s, I can reflect back on adult friendships. And especially in light of really working to better myself, I think that it's um really important, not only as going into being a counselor, but as a coach, um, I've been in therapy for years. But it's very important to be reflective and to have people in your life that kind of call you out on those negative behaviors. And that's what a therapist was for me. But I reflect on friendships as an adult, 30 years and plus. And man, I thought it was hard in middle school and high school to navigate friendships. Talk about 30 plus. I mean, things just get harder and harder. And I think that it's so important that we learn how to navigate our adult friendships. So we learn how to navigate our adult friendships. And how are you using your friends? And that sounds a little harsh, but there's some major truth in that. That um not all friendships are good. Just like I said, they're doing research now on the negative aspects of these relationships because it's like any other relationship, you know, uh, marriages, dating relationships, you probably shouldn't be in some of them, right? And so I was just thinking about, you know, how do we navigate our friendships in our 40s? How do we do that? We're raising our kids or running our businesses like myself, or going back to school like myself, or, you know, there's just so many different things when it comes to navigating friendships. And like I said, I think the key question you have to ask yourself, you have to ask yourself with these friendships and being reflective and growing as a human being is how are you using your friends? How are you using your friends? I realized this probably about um five years ago that I was using friends, and not in the sense that you're thinking, I wasn't using them to do things for me. I was using them to fill a space that was unfilled. So I was using friendships to help me not feel lonely. I was using friendships to build my confidence. I was using friendships to make me feel whole. And what happens when you do this? Well, they're gonna fail because that's not their job. And frankly, frankly, this is something that I think that we need to be aware of in even marriages. Yes, we want our spouse to uplift us and give us confidence and take care of us, but it is not their job to fulfill your every single need. They're human, they're gonna screw up. Same with friendships. So ask yourself right now as we're discussing this a little bit further, how are you using friendships? And conversely, how are people using you? Because there are good and and negative, good and bad friendships, especially in your 40s, especially in your 40s. So a few years ago, I guess it was more than this, probably about seven years ago, I had a friend and um I was always going to her, always going to her house, helping her with her children. Gosh, I even planned her husband's 50th birthday party. I mean, I did everything for her. I was one of these people that if I I felt if I gave and gave and gave to people, well, surely they're going to accept me and love me. So that's how I was using the friendship. In fact, when I reflect on that, man, wasn't that manipulative? I don't think I understood in my mind by doing things for individuals that I was trying to manipulate a reaction. But that was exactly what I was doing because I was trying to find something in someone that I shouldn't have been looking for. So I had said to her, I had finally had had enough. I felt used and abused, even though she didn't ask me to do these things. She freely took everything from me, but she never asked me to. And when I finally had had enough, I said to her, This is not fair. I need a friendship. And she flat out said, Well, I can't do that for you. I was devastated. I thought, what how can you treat me like this? I've done everything for you, and now you're telling me you can't do it. So that happened. And then probably six months later, a similar situation happened with another friend. She would hang out with me, you know, maybe every quarter or so. And it just hurt my feelings. Like, why don't you call? Why don't you do anything? And I shared it with her one of the last times we hung out with each other. And she's like, listen, if I'm not good enough for you, too bad. And it was it was heartbreaking. But at the time, I think I was really on this precipice of dealing with how I was using friendships, and I wasn't quite there yet to really um recognize and be aware of my behaviors, my manipulation, and I'm gonna do things for people because that's gonna force them into liking me, you know, that manipulation I was in. I wasn't, I wasn't quite ready to determine, you know, my piece in this. But I had two friends within six months tell me, too bad, right? So um that was one situation. And then about five years ago, I guess it was, moved into this new neighborhood. I opened up the women's only fitness studio and became friends. Friends. If you could see me, I have quotation marks in the air, um, with probably about 20 women. And I mean, let's be real. It's it's not it's not quantity, right? It's quality. And um, I thought these were my friends, but ultimately what came of that was nah, they just wanted really cheap workouts, really cheap workouts. And every once in a while they'd invite me down um for some wine. Um, and then I'd ultimately drink too much wine with them and then walk away with guilt and shame. It's crazy, right? So after that happened, and then I realized that they really only cared about really cheap fitness, um, I started stepping away from those friendships. I was very angry. I was very angry because again, I was just on that precipice of I'm gonna blame everybody else, but I'm not gonna take a hard look at myself. But after that, some things really started changing in my life. And the biggest thing was God really put me to a place of um extreme pain. Um, I was reliving a trauma, a past trauma. Uh, some of you listeners might not know, but I am a rape victim. And for 20 years, my brain had um hidden some of the things that had happened to me and um decided to relive it. It was great. Who doesn't want to do that at 40 years old? You know? Um, and fortunately for me, I have such an amazing husband. He walked with me through it, um, and an amazing therapist that walked with me through it. But all that to be said, God brought me to this place of ultimate brokenness. I mean, you don't ever want to relive your trauma that you didn't know that actually happened. It was pretty crazy. It's wild what the brain can do. But I'm grateful for it. I'm grateful for that break because it allowed me to really reflect um not only on what had taken place to me, I that none of that was my fault. So I'm not saying that at all. I don't carry any blame or shame or anything from my rape. I was a consequence of somebody else's terrible decisions. Um, but what that that situation did was it broke me so much, it kind of opened my eyes and my heart to kind of delve into who am I? And am I going to use this brokenness to reform who I am? Am I am I going to do that? And and so it really was a time of great pain, but of great transformation and of great healing. And so during this time, I had to ask myself, gosh, what what are these friendships to me? What am I asking for out of these friendships? And I really had to come to the place of I was placing my needs on these individuals. I was placing my needs of fulfill my worth, fulfill my confidence, fulfill my loneliness on these friendships, these expectations. And they should never have been placed on these friendships. And I wonder if you've done that. If you can recall, or maybe you have a friend right now that you know there's just this kind of subconscious niggling at you that you're asking too much of them. You're asking too much of them. And so, how do you know if you're asking too much of friendships? How do you know? Well, you have to discern what you're looking for in a friend that's that's manipulative, that's wrong to desire from a friend. Listen, if if you get jealous because your friend has other friends, you need to rethink what you are using your friend for? Uh, if you become, um, I guess jealous is a really big, a really big one. But if you become um anxious if they don't reply right away to your text message, why is that? Are you wondering if you're just worth it anymore? Do you become angry if if they uh don't fall in line with what you in your mind have prescribed to them? Those are all some major red flags to how you are using friendships. And I'm willing to bet, I'm willing to bet if you really thoughtfully thought about some of the friendships you have in your life right now, you might go, oof, yeah, I'm doing that with a couple of them. I'm doing that with a couple of them. Now, should we, you know, look to friends to fulfill every one of our needs? Absolutely not. But friends are wonderful, they are vital vital to our mental health. But you have to have a firm foundation in your mental health, in your self-confidence. And I would say, I would urge you, in a faith in God, because that is really where we should ultimately place our needs, not on these more, you know, mere, excuse me, mortals like our friends or spouses, because they're gonna fail us each and every day. But if you have a relationship with Jesus Christ, that's who you put it on. And if you're not able to do that, then you really, if you're if that's not your thing, I understand. But if if if you don't have a deep faith where you can go to someone when you're feeling alone and anxious and fearful, then you need to work on your mental health. You need to work on your mental health because you should not be using these friendships to feed you. So not only is it difficult to navigate friendships from our perspective, you know, asking ourselves, being self-aware, how am I using friends? But the the stinger in all of this too is boy, you've got to really discern if these friends are for you. And I think in our 40s, at least for me, um, this becomes more and more clear. It does through life situations, building confidence, having confidence in myself. It it's better, I'm better able to navigate this. And and for the most part, I can navigate the negative friendships, but you you have to be aware of it. You have to be aware of it because not every single friendship is going to feed you. And I know you know that. I know you know that. Um, and and you have to think about just like the signs that you have to consider for yourself and how you your reactions to your friends are. So if your friend goes out with somebody else, are you jealous? Are you thrown into a pit of despair? Do they love me anymore? You know, um, asking yourself those questions, why am I so angry at her for, you know, not calling me back? Or, you know, she why did she post that on Facebook and didn't tell me? You've got to, when you're asking yourself those things and you're discerning, gosh, I'm I'm not doing friendship right, I'm using this friendship. You have to be aware of those same behaviors in the friends in your life. You have to be aware of that. And so what I would say is, you know, first of all, you've got to find that ability to um be self-aware and ask, how am I using friendships? And then build on your personal worth and your personal self-confidence, because that that is what's going to make the difference in not only attracting the people that you want, but it also becomes um almost like these bumper rails like on the on the freeway. You're gonna have this idea of this is the kind of friendship that I need in my life. This is, you know, the goods and the bads. I understand not every friend is going to be perfect, but these are the things that I need in a friendship. You're gonna have these kind of guardrails, I should say, that if you bump up along against them, it's going to help you discern the friendship and and and save you from some heartbreak, save you from some heartfreak, heartbreak. But you've got to do the work on yourself before you can recognize some of those negative relationships, those negative friendships. So I want to talk about some of the type of friends that are bad for your mental health. We know about the good ones. We all have those good friendships, don't we? That just feed us and it feels so good. We've got those friendships, but there are those friendships that we really need to be aware of. Um, it was really interesting. I was reading an article the other day about children that are raised by parents um with like narcissism. And that what needs to be, what needs to be um, excuse me, I can't get my words out right now. But those those children that are raised by narcissist narcissistic parents, those children, when they grow into adults, need to be aware of the same behaviors that they had to exhibit with their parents just to find exception or excuse me, acceptance and love, they can exhibit those same habits in adult um formation of friendships, relationships, and attract the same kind of person. And that you've got to be aware of that. So one way for you to become self-aware is okay, well, where did I feel lacking in say familial relationships and I was going somewhere else with it? And in that lack that I wasn't finding in home, in the marriage, whatever it may be, what habits, what um, what was I doing to attract someone that could essentially prey on my need and my hurt? Something to think about. So there are some friends that we have to be aware of. And I spent, I think, especially in our 40s, our kids are getting older. Um, it's hard to navigate. Like I hate, I hate, I will just say I am not good at forming friendships like all these moms that do um, you know, the football team stuff or cheer team. I I'm just not good at it. A friend and I went out to dinner a couple weeks ago and we're sitting there, and all these people walked into dinner and she knew all of them. And I just was like, nope, I can't be here. It made me anxious. I I just don't do well with it. And she was fine. Oh, she knew all these women. I am not that one. I am not that one. It was very hard for me. But she was able to navigate all those different friendships. And for me, I kind of turtle up and I don't want to be around that many people. It makes me nervous. But anyway, there's some detrimental friends um to your mental health, and I want to talk about that. No, number one, number one, and this is based on some research that came out. Uh, gosh, well, they're they've been researching it. Um, I'll post something in the comments for you all. I'll post the research. Now I can't find the research. I had pulled it up, um, but I don't have it here right now. Um, but there was this is based on some research that these these psychologists had found um that uh You know, can be detrimental to you that can really hurt you. So, number one is the promise breaker. So these are the people that make promises that they're not intentional about keeping. Um, maybe they routinely are mean or they break promises repeatedly. Um they they are gonna break promises to you, but they have this expectation of everything from you in return, if that makes sense. Um, so you might have a promise breaker in your life. That's a real red flag that this is not a friendship that you need to hold on to. Number two, there's a dramatic friend. We all know those ones, don't we? So these friends are usually the life of the party. They're usually wonderful, they're entertaining. It seems like everybody is absolutely addicted to them. Um, but then sometimes then they start playing kind of the victim, right? And then all of a sudden they they're spreading rumors, they're riling up people, um, then they act like they're victims. They just can be emotionally draining. I knew one gal, and it was really interesting as I was going through my one my own personal transformation. She was this person. I mean, man, everybody knew her, like famous people and everything. Everybody knew her. And I remember hanging out with her after a time about five years of working on a transformation. I had found my personal, you know, confidence. I was my self-worth and and everything was great. And I'm telling you, this dramatic one, this one that everybody followed, she didn't want anything to do with me. And why was that? Because I wasn't looking up to her. I had also I had always placed her on this pedestal and just saw she was just amazing. And when I started saying, no, no, no, no, we're on the same level, she didn't want anything to do with me. And I didn't, I wasn't healthy enough to recognize that um in the middle of our friendship. But trying to reconnect with her, I realized, wow, wow, I really put myself below her, and that's what she liked. Uh, the third kind of friend is that negative Nancy. Now, listen, our friends are amazing to go to when we're hurt. We all go through seasons. I mean, we do. All of us go through seasons where um we're just in a lot of pain. Um, and so you have to give obviously some grace, you know, in these friendships because all of us are gonna ebb and flow in how we're feeling. But that friend that's just constantly negative, constantly negative, you gotta watch out. You gotta watch out because that that negativity will start flowing into your life and it's just not healthy for you. The fourth one is the competitor. Um, I have run into this quite a bit in my life. Um, I I, you know, I don't know why. I said to my husband, we've been talking about this a lot in the last couple months. And I told him, I said, I've recognized, you know, I've been thinking about this podcast. I said, I've recognized one of the detrimental things I have said in my life when it came to friendships. One of the biggest things I said in my life was, it doesn't matter if they need to feel better than me. I'll just play down. It's not a big deal. And I have said that so many times. I'm not gonna fight with them. They want to feel better than me, fine. And that's those competitor friendships. And boy, what a terrible thing for me to do that I felt like I had to be less than, less than to serve a friendship, to have a friendship. And this person, these competitor friends, they were the ones that it was, you know, if you had an achievement, they had to knock you down a rung, right? Or if you had goals, they had to poo-poo your goals, you know, and and it was it can be very upfront and hostile. It can be it, it can be that way. The competitive competitiveness, this person against you can be very openly hostile towards you, or it can be these undercurrents of um back-handed, you know, comments. Um, as again, I've been reflecting on all of this, trying to be self-aware of myself and some of the friendships I've attracted in my life. I had one gal that I knew probably, gosh, it's been almost 20 years. And um I was really kind of learning, I just won't ever forget this. I was really learning crafting. I know this sounds really funny. And I invited her over. I was living with my parents at the time, and I invited her over, and um, I had showed her this craft that I had made. And at the time it was cold, I was in Washington State, it was really, really cold. I had slippers on, and she kind of rolled her eyes. She's like, What are you? Martha Effing Stewart is what she said. It was awesome. And then she proceeded to tell me that I sounded like an elephant walking in my slippers. So at the time I didn't know what to do. I had no confidence, no self-worth. And I let this human being speak to me that way in my home. And I look at that now, I'm like, oh my gosh, how did I allow that? But what I can see now is she was that competitor. I can't let you be able to be crafty. And in fact, I don't care about your craftiness. It makes me feel less than. And so I'm gonna even make you feel worse about your physical self. I mean, she knocked me down. She knocked me down a wrong. And in reflecting about that, gosh, why didn't I walk away from that friendship? Well, because I had put expectations into that friendship. She was going to fulfill a need, and it didn't matter how much I had to take in return. So the fifth friendship, all of us can um uh associate or uh recognize this is the bad influence. Now, I will tell you, this bad influence doesn't just happen in your your school years, in your 20s, it happens in your 30s and in your 40s. In fact, that happened to me. Um, and it's it can happen very easily because who doesn't like to let loose, right? Who doesn't like to let loose? But I am telling you, when when this can kind of debauchery happens over and over and over again, you're pulled along with it. If you have problems with feeling guilt and shame afterward, or maybe you're mad that they influenced you so much, that's a red flag. It's time to walk away from that friendship. It's not healthy for you. Um, then there's some other friendships that um they just like to fight. They just like to fight. I mean, friends fight, right? Friends fight. We all fight. We fight with every relationship we have in our life. But then there's some of those friendships that they just like to fight. They just like to fight. I can say I've never really had a friendship like this. Um, so I I don't know what that one looks like, but this is what the research says. Seven, everyone knows this one. This is the know it all. This is the know it all. I would almost put the know it all right up there with the competitor. It's just this constant, I want to be better than you. I have such low self-esteem. I'm gonna constantly put you down. That they're incapable of loving you where you're at. They're incapable of loving you in your confidence and in your health. And so they're very know-it-all. They're very know-it-all. Well, don't forget your coat. Really? I'm a 40-year-old woman. You think I forgot my coat? You know, silly things like that. Or the one uppers are constantly, well, I did this, well, I did this. Or sometimes you'll see the know-it-all, and they do this very stern, quiet judgment. They sit there and just judge you, and you can see it written all over their face. So, again, friendship can be very positive. It can be very positive. You can feel energized by it, you can feel refreshed by it, they can be with you in a time of need. There's wonderful things about friendship, but we have got to also understand that friendship can be very negative, very negative. And we've got to be aware of how are you using friends? How are you using friends? Are you using it to fill a need? Because let me tell you, let me tell you, that need will not be filled by this human being. It will not be filled. If you don't have a really relationship with Jesus Christ, then you need to work on yourself. You need to work on yourself and and get to a place where you have better self-worth. So think about that as you navigate your friendships. Is my friendship good for me or is it bad for me? And how am I using this friend? How am I using this friend? So lots to think about today. Thanks so much for joining me today. Gosh, friendships, they're secondary, they're vital, but they're not the ultimate. I want to empower you into your poema purpose. This is that God-given purpose, and I know, I know you have been given one. And that's what you're gonna hear on Poema Women's Success Coaching. So share this podcast. I would greatly appreciate it. And remember, you can put your poema purpose into action. And if you have questions, reach out to me, head on over to piperharris.net. There's an easy form on there, and let's chat. So thanks for joining us. And remember, you can discover your poema purpose and put it into action.