Hello, and welcome to Poema Women's Success Coaching, a podcast where I share how you can embrace your purpose. I dive into topics surrounding positive psychology, shifting your mindset and behaviors that are holding you hostage in life, and share how you can discover your Poema purpose and put it into action. My name is Piper Harris, and I use my 20 years of experience as a mental health counselor, coach, business owner, mother, and wife to dig into deep and complex issues that you're facing and empower you to overcome and harness the courage to chase after your best life. Thanks for joining us today. So today we're talking about let's be real. Are you real? And I'm specifically talking about on social media. So a recent uh paper came out, and I found it actually quite fascinating for a couple different reasons. One, what they're saying on this research, this research that they did was that if there's authentic self-expression on social media, so like Facebook, that it is actually associated with greater subjective well-being. Well, here's the catch. Here's the catch. We all know we're in the midst of this crazy political environment, the pandemic. And I have to be honest, I am not seeing a lot of authenticity on social media. And this is first and foremost, foremost on my mind because I took some time off from social media because I was very self-aware of how I was using self-uh self or excuse me, social media for numbing purposes. It was just, it was a distraction. Um, but I was also becoming very aware of how social media manipulated and used me, which I had a problem with. But having taken this time away and coming back to it, um, number one, it it really can uh become an addiction very quickly. But two, I am not, I have to be honest, I'm not seeing authentic self-expression. So this study, uh, I believe it's out of uh you can look it up, uh Nature Communications. Um, it was published on the 6th of October 2020, article number 4889. So look this up. It's called authentic self-expression on social media is associated with greater subjective well-being. Well, here is the problem that I had with this uh new article came out. So they apparently, these these um authors analyzed data from over 10,000 Facebook users, but all of this data actually came out of like 2008 through 2010. I know, and I know you know, that um Facebook use, all of those things, it is spiraled, I have to be honest, out of control, especially in this last year with the pandemic. And so I believe, unfortunately, they have some old data that I don't know that this is actually um relevant to what we're faced with now because the the data that they really went through, it's it's old data, it's very old data. However, however, let's talk about authentic self-expression on social media. So we have seen numerous campaigns, and I love them. Like I love the Dove campaign, where it was just really about being um proud of the skin that you're in, and just their campaigns were so heartfelt for women and embracing our beauty, teaching our our daughters to embrace who they are. I loved the Dove campaign. It really um pushed the need for authentic self-expression in social media and advertising, you know, all of that. A very empowering message. Conversely, conversely, we are still seeing an inordinate amount of people that say that they're expressing themselves authentically on Facebook, on Instagram, all of these things. But then you have these studies coming out showing that this there is a higher incidence of depressive symptoms in individuals that spend an inordinate amount of time on social media. So, why is that? If you're authentically expressing yourself and there's a correlation between this well-being, well, it's not it's not reflecting that in the current numbers, is it? So, so where is this breakdown? What is going on with this? Um, so I would love to hear from you. What do you think? Do you think that you authentically are expressing yourself on Facebook um or Instagram or whatever? The newest one is this parlor that everybody's talking about. So, is this authentic self-expression? What I would say to the authors of this article is hey, yeah, 2008, 2009, maybe even 2010, this might have been the case. But I think that we've seen uh a real changing of our actual psychological and physiological brain because of what social media has done. It's it's perpetuating this need for instantaneous gratification. Um, it's perpetuating this um lack of, my husband and I were discussing this, a lack of ability to focus long term because it's just this we got to click through things, don't we? And so I really do believe that social media has um there's some good things, but I'm seeing that there's some bad things. And I just don't agree with the authors that self-expression on social media is is associated with subjective well-being. Here is the reason being is I still believe, I still believe that there is this poll for anybody on social media to show people just the best thing possible. But there's also this poll for people to band together. I'm telling you, I am seeing this with the political season. And even before this, prior to everything taking place, this last, you know, with the elections, I saw this with the pandemic. People were um isolated and they were very anxious, they were burdened, they were depressed. And so what they do is they grasped onto these things that came out on Facebook. We talked about this months ago a little bit. I saw this with um conspiracy theories, people believing anything that they saw, and they took it up as their mantle. And I believe they did that because it was a form, it was a salve, wasn't it, to the pain that they were feeling? So it helped them deflect what they were actually feeling in internally and focus on something externally. So, although I believe they felt they were authentically expressing themselves on social media by sharing posts about um, gosh, what was the one conspiracy theory that came out months ago? It was the wayfare thing where children were being um sold on wayfare. And people just harnessed onto it. Now, is there child trafficking in in this country, in this world? Absolutely, and it's abhorrent and we should fight against it. But what I saw with the wafers, individuals that have never fought for this cause before, were never aware of this cause before, and jumped on this conspiracy bandwagon and ultimately it was found to be false. It was found to be false. So, what I'm seeing in the last year, especially with the pandemic, is that possibly people are harnessing Facebook, Instagram, whatever you want to call it, to express themselves themselves more authentically. Possibly the pandemic has allowed them to grow within themselves. And I hope so. I know that the pandemic has done that for me. Um, but I also see that the pandemic, what it's done to those individuals that believe they're authentic and believe they're self-aware is it what it's done is it's just shifted focus, right? It's shifted focus from the internal, I'm feeling pressure, I'm feeling anxiety, I'm feeling isolation, I'm feeling despair, I'm feeling rage, whatever those emotions are, to deflection of I'm going to uh authentically, I'm using air quotes, if you could see me, authentically express what I believe we should stand behind on social media, right? So again, fascinating article, but I disagree with them because this is old data. This is old data. What I ultimately want us to talk about today is not about, hey, are you authentically expressing yourself on Facebook? Because I don't think any of us are. I don't. I think some of us try to. If I am being very self-aware for myself, am I authentically posting things on Facebook? No, I'm posting the things that I'm proud of. I'm not posting the things necessarily that I'm really struggling with. And there's a couple of reasons. Number one, you don't deserve that information. I appreciate your support listening to this podcast, but you don't have that access to that interpersonal self, right? I don't allow that access, or I've learned not to allow that access. So I'm not going to be sharing some of those things, right? And also there's always this concern. All of us have this concern is how am I being judged by this? There's always that concern of what are people thinking of me if I post this. And for some of us that have maybe shared a little bit more, disclosed a little bit more on social media or say with friends or family members. And we get that that um that kind of pushback or that kind of whiplash that people uh they didn't like it. They they might snicker behind our backs, they might tell us that we were incorrect and what we were thinking, whatever it may be. Um, it it doesn't go over well, you know, and so so I think that can be a struggle as well. So, what I want to talk about um is that it is very important before you start telling yourself that I'm gonna, I'm gonna, you know, hold up this mantle of whatever political justice, um, social change, uh, whatever it is, you need to be self-aware. And so many people are not self-aware. And um, and we're not always, not all of us are 100% self-self-aware. Um, I just don't believe anybody can can do that all the time. So I want to talk about self-awareness and how we can engage in a self-awareness process, and we can use this process to identify am I authentically expressing myself here or or am I being wrapped up in something because I don't want to feel what I'm feeling internally? So there's a cycle of self-awareness, there's a cycle of self-awareness. So when you're feeling, let's say, for example, the the need to post something on social media, when you're feeling the need to post something on social media, let's just take politics, since that is really relevant right now. Let's take that for example. So, say that you just feel like you have to post this, you're so upset by it, whatever it may be. I would urge you to go through kind of this cycle of self-awareness, and I'll walk you through this before you post, before you post. And and the reason being is um don't become chained to to finding um comfort in social media. We need real human interactions and communications, and there's so much research around human communication interaction. Granted, with the pandemic, it's made it very difficult. But I have to be honest with you, being on social media and typing behind a keyboard, um, there's not a lot of authenticity in there because you're hiding. I can't see your face, I can't see your expression, I can't see you know what you're struggling with. And so, you know, the the use of social media really deters you from being your authentic self. Um, before you feel like you have to express yourself on social media for whatever reason it may be, let's practice some self-awareness. And maybe you'll come to the same conclusion. Nope, I have to post this. That's great. But practicing self-awareness is good for you and it's good for everybody else. So here's the thing. So you might all of a sudden feel this kind of sensation, um, something that's interesting you, something that's driving you to post. Okay. So let's take the political season, you feel um as if justice hasn't been served. Okay. I'm not gonna say one way or the other, but I know everybody's feeling this on both right and left. So you're feeling this, right? You're feeling some sort of sensation. Like I've I've got to do this. So I want you to pause and I want you to ask yourself, what's this that I'm feeling? What is that? Now, I don't want you to use this as just an intellectual exercise. I want you to really clue into the sensations within your body as well, because that really does help you signal, is this, you know, is this uh a true sensation, or I'm just ticked off. So really ask yourself, what is this that I'm feeling? What is this that I'm feeling? So that's the set first thing I want you to do. You're feeling this interest arise. I have to post this on social media because this is just social justice, okay? Pause, ask yourself, what's this feeling? What am I, what is that? Identify it, name it. There's a lot of benefit to naming the best we can what we're feeling. Because what that does is it takes us out of that internal state and being caught up into it and externally placing outside of us so we can be more discerning of what we're feeling, okay? And this is a great practice for any of us so that we're not run by our uh our emotions, right? This is a great practice. So the second thing is is you need to become aware, okay? So becoming aware. So you're saying, what's that feeling that I have? What's that, what's that that's piquing my interest that I have to post this? And then I want you to be um aware. And again, name it. So I'm aware of feeling anger, I'm aware of feeling my heart racing, I'm aware of my palms sweating, I'm aware that I'm excited, I'm aware that I'm sad, I'm aware. Um, so so name it. Okay, and I want you to become very aware. I want you to become uh very aware of this. So you need to know what your senses are telling you. Do not be just run by the emotional energy of somebody else or or some group. Be in control of you, be in control of you. So the third thing is I want you to explore the energy that you're feeling. So you've asked yourself, what's that? What is that? Why am I being motivated to this? And then I want you to be aware and name it. What are you aware of? What is that feeling in your body, in your heart, in your mind? State that. And then I want you to really start recognizing what that energy, what what's the motivation behind this? Why why do I need to post this? What's the motivation? What do I hope to achieve through this? And then I want you to go further and say to yourself, but what are the other choices I have if I don't post this on social media? So ask yourself, what is that? What am I actually going to do? So you're stopping yourself. You're you're becoming aware of the sensation you're having. You're becoming aware of what it's making you physically feel, mentally feel, emotionally feel. And then you're really walking through, okay, what's the motivation behind this for me? Am I being pushed by something else that I'm seeing? Um, and I need to explore some other choices. What are some other choices that I can use this feeling that I have? And then use that energy and say to yourself, okay, what do I want to do about this? What do I want to do about this? Do I want to move forward in expressing this on social media, or is there something else that I can do with this? So, what this does is this again takes this internal feeling and helps you become aware of it and it helps you put it externally, place it externally so it's no longer in control of you. You are choosing to take part in it if you want. Does that make sense? So rather than you being propelled by emotion, by what the fervor of a group, you are taking in the control back and saying, okay, I felt the sensation, I'm aware of the sensation, and I have a choice to use this energy that I'm feeling. So then that brings you into your action. That brings you into your action. So I'm I'm understanding, I'm understanding um my sensation sensation. I've named what I'm feeling. I have explored some of my choices and my motivation behind doing this. And um I'm gonna I'm gonna move forward. I'm gonna move forward in action. So this is going to, when you start moving into action, you've already explored the choices. And so you're you're creating a boundary for yourself and for others. Because here's the thing: there are boundaries. I know a lot of you spend time on social media and there's absolutely no boundaries for you. But what is that doing? What is that doing for your physical, mental, and emotional, psychological energy? If if you have no boundaries of self and no boundaries for others, and you just spew and say whatever you want, or you get wrapped up in this group's fervor, you're going outside of those boundaries. And I'm guaranteeing you that if you uh don't have these built-in boundaries for yourself and for others, you spend an inordinate amount of time on Facebook, you're on there all the time, you're fighting for these causes, but you get at the end of the day and you're depleted and you're exhausted and you feel hopeless and you wonder what's gonna change, and you get wrapped up in this rumination of the awfulness of life. And again, action, when you work through this process of the sensation, the awareness and the motivation and the energy and moving into action, this is helping you identify boundaries for yourself and for others. Our energy is always on a continuum, and this is how we see ourselves reacting to individuals in our life. Um, because all of us, all relationships are a mirror of ourselves, right? And and so we have to have a continuum. We have to have our our continuum, our scale, if you would want to say it that way, of you know, when I feel my energy go to, you know, a really high level, where does my boundaries break down? Where do those boundaries of self-care, self-love, self-worth break down when I allow this energy to go outside of my boundaries? Same with with others. How am I expressing myself going beyond the boundaries that I allow with others? Okay, so this whole process is about awareness and creating those boundaries for yourself and others. And so then eventually, once you work through, okay, I I'm gonna do something about this and I'm gonna take charge. I've decided I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna deal with this, this energy this issue, this concern head on, you know? And so this is when we're making contact with the actual issue. Now, this doesn't have to be the super long process, but it's very important for you to be self-aware. It is very important. So that's fine. If you're ready, you you you're like Piper, I've got my boundaries, I know my boundaries that are expressing and caring for myself, my self-worth, my self-care, my self-love. And this is not um outside of my boundaries for myself and others. I'm gonna go through with this and I'm gonna deal with this concern head on. So that's not the end stage. Go ahead, post it. Go ahead and post it. But you have to stop and learn. You have to understand what was the meaning of me doing this. Sure, you might feel sweet relief, right? You went off on social media, you went off. And oh, it's that sweet relief. We all have had that, right? It's like the sweet relief. I told them, I told them what I thought. You have this sweet relief. Everybody gets that. That initial, oh yes, that felt so good. But that's not where it stops because that's not a resolution. That is not a resolution in your awareness, your self-awareness. You have got to extract the meaning and what have you learned through this. This is not just about you getting on social media and spewing what you want to spew. This is about self-awareness and growing as an individual. You are going to affect more change for your community if you're self-aware. And by being self aware and working through these things, people are gonna see see you, and it's going to have an effect on them. So, so fine, how have your your you know post on social media? So now I want you to stop, and I want you to find a resolution and a closure to this, don't keep going. Going back to it. Okay. That's called rumination. So I want you to say, okay, I realize that what was happening was this. This is this is what happened. I felt the sensation. I named it. I knew what senses I was feeling. I felt my gut. I felt my my heart. I, you know, whatever it was. Um, I I was aware that I wanted to do something about it and I decided to take charge on it. I'm gonna go through with this, I'm gonna deal with this concern, but now I need to learn and find out what the resolution or the meaning was behind this. So I realized that I had to do this, and this is what happened. And I am at rest. I am at rest for having posted this. I am self-aware enough that I recognize that I authentically expressed myself and that I went through this cycle that I realized that it's okay that I chose this path. Does that make sense? So you really, when you wrap up these things, I think too many times those keyboard warriors, we all see them, they're on social media and they spew their things. They think there's a resolution, but they're right back at it the very next day. They're right back at it the very next day, or the very next 30 minutes later. There's no resolution enclosure because they are not taking that last step of finding and extracting meaning and learning from their choices, from their choices. That's what self-awareness is about. Learning and extracting learning and meaning from the choices that you're making. And then eventually, once you practice this, you're gonna be at rest. Now, is this something that you can do um without problem the rest of your life? Absolutely not. I mean, I find myself to be fairly self-aware. I'm fairly self-aware. Um, but that doesn't mean I am always self-aware because self-awareness is is incredibly difficult. Um, and it it takes uh the ability to say, you know, I don't have it all right, and I need to look within myself and I need to be aware of things that, hey, I'm part of this issue, whatever it may be, and and exploring that and recognizing all of us, the choices that we make, whether it's posting on social media and we think it's authentic, or our well-being, because they're saying that well-being is directly uh, you know, linked to authenticity. So ask yourself on a scale of one or ten, one to ten, one being, yeah, my well-being is not good, I'm not doing well. Two 10, I am off the charts, my well-being is amazing. And ask yourself, where is my well-being? You know, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, where is my well-being? And based on your scale from one to 10, you can directly correlate authenticity to that. So if you're below a five, how are you not expressing yourself authentically? Well, I would challenge you, it's because you have not harnessed the ability of self-awareness. If you're above a six to ten on a self-awareness scale, awesome, or the well-being scale, awesome. That's great. We can always do better, right? We can always do better. And I would challenge you if you say, Oh, I'm gonna 10 at well-being. Are you being self-aware? Are you authentically being self-aware with yourself? Now, listen, we can ebb and flow on that scale because we're gonna have good times and bad times in life, right? But the whole thing with going back to this study, the whole I guess what piqued my interest about this study is I don't believe that there's authentic self-awareness on social media. I just don't. In fact, in fact, I would say that social media actually feeds in authenticity and feeds uh the lack of well-being, the lack of well-being. And that the way around this, and I'm I'm in complete disagreement, I suppose, with these authors, because again, their data was very old. Um I would I would say that what's more important for authentic self-expression is working through self-awareness. You will never be authentically um uh able to express yourself if you are not self-aware. Period. Period. It's not gonna happen. And your well-being will not increase in your life until you're self-aware. So, what is it? Is authenticity or is it self-awareness? You see what I'm saying? I believe self-awareness becomes comes before uh authentically a the authentic ability to express ourselves, and by being self-aware, practicing self-awareness, build our authentic self and allows our well-being to grow and prosper. So, something to think about today. Are you authentically expressing yourself on social media? I'm gonna say no, I just don't think you are. So consider the cycle of self-awareness, okay? So you feel a sensation, figure out this interest that's arising in you. What's what's going on in the background? Then I want you to know what your senses are telling you, okay, physically, emotionally. I want you to name it. I'm aware of feeling this, okay? Then I want you to recognize the motivation behind this feeling. Ask yourself, why do I have this feeling? What is it about me wanting to post this that is so important? And explore other choices. If I don't post this, what other choices do I have? Right? So I want you to explore choices. Then I want you to recognize the energy that you're feeling. Whether the energy is uh moving away from needing to post, great. Or the energy is saying, I want to do something about this. Okay, can go either way. And so then I want you to take action. Okay, I've discerned that I don't want to do something. That is an action, choosing not to, or I've discerned that I want to take action. Again, moving forward in that action, okay? And remember, moving forward within our actions, that is creating the boundaries for ourselves and for others. Through this self-awareness cycle, an action is creating boundaries for ourselves and for others. So if you're depleting yourself and you're not expressing yourself authentically, is this uh breaking a boundary? Is this breaking a boundary something to think about? And then finally, I want you to say, okay, I've gotten through this, I've dealt with issues, I've worked through my motivation and my choices. Now I'm going to do it. And I, you it doesn't stop there. Remember, you need a resolution and closure. So you need to always, with anything that we're all doing, the choices we make, we need to extract a meaning and a learning from it. That's self-awareness. What have I learned about myself? What have I learned? What was the meaning behind this? What am I feeding in myself that maybe I shouldn't be feeding? What am I, what am I missing in my life that I'm choosing something else, whatever it is? Because we all we all use things to feed parts of us that can't be fed by anything else other than self-awareness. And I would say faith. Faith, you know, that's that's how I feed myself. That's where I find I'm snagging myself up. But this cycle of self-awareness is really important for you to to, I believe, I believe, increase your authentic self. And by increasing our authentic selves, increasing our wellness by increasing our well-being. So where are you? Are you authentically expressing yourself on social media? Are you doing that? Do you subjectively feel like your well-being is through the roof because you're telling everybody everything on social media? Really ask yourself on a scale of one to 10, what's that doing for you? How's your well-being? What right when you get off social media? Ask yourself, check in with yourself. How did that feel? How am I feeling? If you're below a six or a seven on that scale, I would venture to say you're an inauthentic place in your life, and it's time to build self-awareness. Thanks so much for joining today. Talk to you all soon. Thanks again for joining me today. It really does mean the world to me. So remember, you can put your poem of purpose into action. And if you enjoyed today's episode, please make sure to share it on your social media with your friends, with your family. I want nothing more than to help you transform your life and put that poem of purpose into action. And, you know, how does that look for you? Well, this is a way for you to discover it through this podcast. You can work with me through coaching. But again, thank you so much for your support. If you have more questions about coaching who I am, head on over to piperharris.net. You can sign up for a monthly newsletter or we can just chat. I would love to get to know you. So thanks again. And we will discuss more on how you can put your poem and purpose into action in future episodes.