Hello, and welcome to Poima Women's Success Coaching, a podcast where I share how you can embrace your purpose. I dive into topics surrounding positive psychology, shifting your mindset and behaviors that are holding you hostage in life, and share how you can discover your Poema purpose and put it into action. My name is Piper Harris, and I use my 20 years of experience as a mental health counselor, coach, business owner, mother, and wife to dig into deep and complex issues that you're facing and empower you to overcome and harness the courage to chase after your best life. Thanks for joining us today. But gosh, it feels good to shake off 2020. Before we get into today's topic, I want to take a moment and say thank you. Thank you for supporting me, the Poema Women's Success Coaching Podcast, me, Piper. Uh it, you know, 2020 was a rough time for all of us, and I learned a lot. And through it, I just really learned to lean on you all. So thank you for your words of encouragement. Thank you for sending me your notes of encouragement. Thank you for sharing this podcast with your friends and family. Uh, you really topped my 2020 list of things that I'm grateful for. So thank you so, so much. So let's get into it today. Oh, are you a self-assured woman? Oh, there's nothing worse, right? I'm just kidding. That's complete sarcasm. Listen, the the self-assured woman is, you know, conjures up all kinds of images in women's minds. You know, maybe it's someone to you, it's someone in office. Maybe it's someone in office. Maybe a self-assured woman to you is able to just command a presence when she walks in the room, command the room. Uh, maybe the self-assured woman is someone that's very comfortable in their own skin and doesn't worry about, you know, putting makeup on or whatever it may be. Maybe she doesn't wear a bra. So, you know, thinking of a self-assured woman does conjure up a lot of things for us, right? So in our minds, we think, gosh, I wish I could be her. I want to be her. But the funny thing happens, the funny thing happens. When a self-assured woman walks into the room, and there's a group of women, maybe there's some men, but when a self-assured woman walks into the room, what happens? I would venture to say the predominant action reaction of you, women, is just the snotty, snarling, you know, glaring, you know, looking her up and down. It's just, uh, so the other day, while I'm bringing this up, this the other day, I was out and about running some errands. And as I always am, I'm constantly observing what's going on around me because human nature is fascinating, absolutely fascinating. And I was waiting in the line at the store, and this woman walked into the store and she carried herself. Like she was self-assured, self-assured. It was very busy in the grocery store. And she walked in and she was self-assured. She wasn't walking arrogantly, but you could see she had her eyes forward. She, you know, even though she had her mask on, I could tell she was smiling, she looked great, like she she wasn't overly dressed, but she, you know, she just carried herself. Her shoulders are upright and squared. And, you know, I just was like, wow, that is a put together woman. And I just thought, dang, she looks good. And let me tell you, I'm standing there and I watched just it just annoyed me what I watched. I watched these women that were in line that were across from me start just snickering about her, glaring at her, looking her up and down. And then as I turned around, just kind of see how everybody else was reacting, because the line was forever long. So I just thought take in the taking the area. I look behind me and I was shocked to see that so many women were doing the same thing to this woman that had walked in. I it it blew me away. And I thought, why? Because she's walking with self-assurance. What is wrong with you? And you know, maybe part of it, the men that were in line, they stopped and they noticed too. Here's the thing she didn't have tight clothing on, and if she wanted to, that's her prerogative. But she wasn't being evocative, she wasn't she wasn't being provocative, she was she was just self-assured, and it was so irritating to me as a woman that is self-assured. I am, I'm not 100% confident 100% of the time, but boy, I tell you, I am self-assured. And I have been at the receiving end of women's glances, of women's gossip, of women's tearing down because of my self-assurance. And I think that's something that we should talk about. I think 2021 should be about, you know, lifting each other up, celebrating people's differences, and in recognizing when we tear others down, it's more than likely because we are lacking something that they have. It really is. And I think why not start? We're 12 days into 2021. Why not start with a different perspective on life? Why don't you create self-assuredness in yourself? Why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you decide to do that? Embrace these skills, this feeling, this confidence, this assurance in yourself. And so then you don't have to tear people down and make yourself your feel make yourself feel better. So here's the thing: there's some things that are common in self-assured people. And some of you might be listening to this, and I bet you you rolled your eyes a couple times, thinking, oh, Piper, you're so arrogant. You're so prideful. No, I'm not. I'm self-assured. In fact, I can guarantee you when I feel that pride of mine, I know if I don't get that under control, because everybody has pride issues one way or another, it's going to take a hold of me and it's going to get me in trouble. So I've worked on balancing self-assuredness and arrogance. Because the other thing is, is I've been on the other end of the spectrum where I had no confidence, no self-assuredness. There wasn't an ounce of arrogance in me. You know what was in me? Pity, self-hate. Couldn't stand myself. There's no group, no love for myself. I was too afraid to try new things to fail. I was too afraid to take responsibility for where my life was going. But I worked on it. I've worked on it for years. If you've been listening to this podcast, I've been therapy since 1997. Excuse me. And through that process, I have learned to identify my personal beliefs and values, and I live my life by them. And it does turn people off. It turns people off when I say, no, I don't really want to do that. Thanks. Appreciate it. Well, why not? I don't see that it's a great fit for my time. And eventually, when they keep pushing me and keep pushing me, keep pushing me because they just don't like my answer, that I just won't go along with the crowd, I eventually say, this is not a priority in my life. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's not arrogance, it's self-assuredness that I know the path that I'm on, that I know where I need to go, that I know if I do X, my values need to be expressed. If I do Y, my values need to be expressed. I am choosing not to take part in things, thinking, acting without expressing my beliefs and values in them. That is self-assuredness. But it didn't happen overnight. It didn't happen overnight. It's taken years. Years of uncovering my false beliefs, years of rewriting some values that may have been etched into my life that didn't necessarily line up with me. It's taken years of self-forgiveness. So this won't happen overnight. But why don't you make 2021 your year to build self-assuredness so you can be that woman that walks in the grocery store and you get all those looks? Because guess what I noticed? That woman in the grocery store, she didn't care. She kept her held high, her head held high. She kept those shoulders nice and erect and squared off. And she commanded the area like, listen, ladies, don't care about what you're thinking because I'm self-assured. It's not arrogance. Self-assuredness is about loving yourself and knowing the path that you should be on. So let's talk about this. First, what is a self-assured person? What is a self-assured person? Number one, they take responsibility. Period. If you are constantly pointing at somebody else for why something's going wrong in your life, you're not self-assured. A self-assured person understands that we have to own our own feelings, our own emotions, and our own reactions. It's the only way for us to succeed. It's the only way for us to receive self-assuredness. So take responsibility where you can. Don't place it on everybody else. Now I want to talk to you about taking responsibility. I have had uh clients in the past get kind of mad at me when I talk to them about this and say, you need to take responsibility. And they'll lash out and say, I can't take responsibility for him molesting me. And I say, You're absolutely right. You're absolutely right. I you I can't take responsibility for him raping me. You're you're absolutely right. I can't take responsibility for him beating me, and they're angry. And you know what? You're absolutely right. Because you can't control other people's behaviors. But here's what I want to say to you. Here's what I want to say to you. Do the hard work. Do the hard work. You can take responsibility from your life moving forward. You are a survivor, you made it through. Just the fact that they come to me and they're talking to me tells me they want to do this, they want self-assurance. So do the hard work, heal from those wounds and take responsibility for your future right now. This moment, those thoughts running through your head, take responsibility for those. I know it's not easy, and I tell my clients this too, because I'm a victim as well. Is one of the hardest things to heal from a trauma. So I'm not saying take responsibility from somebody else's disgusting actions against you. You can't. That's not yours to take. In fact, you need to let that go. But you can take response responsibility right now, no matter your circumstance, and be self-assured in understanding and truly owning how you act and how you feel. Okay. So, number one, you have to take responsibility. The self-assured prop person also absolutely craves progress, craves progress. I can tell you for you know, many, many years, I don't know that I was there because when I was in the depths of my self-hate, I didn't really understand self-love. I didn't crave progress. In fact, what I did is I more um put my head in the sand, right? I will never forget when I first married my husband. My husband, I love him so much. We've been married 16 years, but I'll never forget our first year of marriage. Um, I was kind of in a bad spot. I didn't feel good. I was stuck in this town that I lived with my whole life, and I just felt like I couldn't get away from what people thought of me. I just, I was just depressed and hated myself. You know, I had another hundred pounds on my body. I didn't know how to take care of my body. I didn't know how to take care of my spiritual health, my emotional health, my mental health. I mean, I was a mess. And there was no um choice or or or or part of me that wanted to choose to progress. Meaning, my husband came home from work one day, and it was uh probably the 10 millionth day in a row that I'm still in my pajamas on the couch and I was watching The Rock of Love. I don't know if you guys watched that. It was on VH1, it was Brett Michaels. And um, yeah, I'm totally showing my age. So if you're um under the age of 30, you have no idea who that is. But anyway, um he walked into the house and I'm sitting on the couch in my PJs, haven't showered for days, and I'm watching Rock of Love, you know, this terrible show on VH1. And he came in and he just kind of looked at me and this look kind of passed over his face, and he said, get up, take a shower, read a book. I mean, he was so annoyed with me. And listen, he's the most kind, loving man ever, but he saw something. He saw something in me that if she doesn't move off that couch and change what's taking taking place, this is gonna forever alter who she is. I didn't crave progress in my life at that moment. And I needed somebody to come in and say to me, Okay, come on, we can we can improve this, we can improve this, and so that's what I mean. Self-assured people crave progress. We are not aspiring for perfection because, in fact, self-assured people embrace what fallible humans we are, we just strive for improvement. It's not perfection. It's like, huh, I wonder what I could do over here. I I wonder how I could tweak this a little bit. We're always wanting to learn. And learning is the greatest form for me to show progress in my life. I don't stop learning. So whether it's reading my textbook, whether it's studying scripture and Hebrew and Greek, whether it's watching a TED talk or listening to a podcast or taking part in um, you know, boards online with other counselors and discussing uh, you know, items with them, I crave learning because learning to me is progress. So the self-assured person is not perfect, they're not a perfect person. And, you know, they fully embrace their vast possibilities in their life, they don't look at it as um, there's nothing else I can do. So improvement to them is a choice as well as a journey. Okay. Number three, the self-assured person doesn't gossip. They uplift people. Okay, let's talk about this, ladies. Am I a hundred percent perfect on this? Nope. Because believe me, I've been in that situation where I looked at that woman, I was like, oh my gosh, look at her. And you know what? If I take a step back, it's because she had something I didn't have. And how ugly of me. But I can tell you, I can tell you that I don't take part in anymore. I have a hard time, I can be honest, when I am around people and they start gossiping and it's like a group of people, what do I do? But I'm becoming more self-assured with just walking away. I might not say, hey, let's stop talking. Sometimes I do that. But sometimes I'm just like, I'm extricating myself from this situation. And believe me, I've even done it with family. So self-assured women, anyone but women, we're talking to you, women, they don't gossip. They uplift every other women. Okay. They talk about ideas and projects and goals and plans and aspirations, but they don't talk about that woman that walks in the grocery store and she just walked in so arrogantly. Okay. The next thing that a self-assured person does is they know how to say no. They know how to say no. When I was at my depths of self-loathing, I didn't say no to anything. In fact, I said yes to everything. In fact, I was such a people pleaser that I was burnt out on taking care of everybody else and nobody else saw me. Nobody took care of me. And I've learned to embrace the power of no. I've learned to embrace saying, hey, this is my boundary and I'm not cool with it. For example, had a conversation with somebody the other day, and they took the conversation a little too far. A little too far. And it was upsetting to me. But rather than lash out, I said no to myself in my mind, and I just nicely said, you know what, I think this is a great opportunity for us to end this conversation. I will talk to you another time. They didn't like it, and I think it upset them. But here's the thing: I understood that the power was within me, and it was my choice to say no more. And you can do that too. You don't overpromise when you're self-assured. You just don't. You really value your time and your effort and who you are and whom you give that to. And it's always aligned with your values and your beliefs, always. So by doing that, by knowing your values and beliefs and always aligning your yeses and no's with that, then you're always able to give your very best to people. The next thing is the self-assured people honor their bodies and their minds. I'm not trying to attack you, but there is something to be said about eating right, sleeping right, drinking water, and getting some exercise. Because here's the thing: when we're not doing those things, when we're neglecting a piece of our being, and the most external piece of our being, it's always going to grab our attention. We're trying to focus on something else. You know how that is. Like you put on an outfit, you're not self-assured, and all you can think about is, oh my gosh, my fat roll showing because these pants are too tight, right? Or you're just constantly squirming around. I I remember for years I would have to wear a camisole under a shirt because I just hated my body so much. And guess what? I still have a fat roll, but I'm not pulling at that shirt anymore because I'm self-assured. I work out, I'm not perfect. I work out, I get that time in. I take care of my mind. I'm disciplined every single morning. I get up an hour and a half before my family. So I can discipline my mind, take care of my mind and my heart. So when it comes to a self-assured person, they are assured in how they care for themselves. And there's something to see be said about your physical health. There just is. The next thing is a self-assured person is able to ask for help. They know that they're not perfect, they know they can't do everything, and they know that you know it's just not manageable for them to do everything. So they ask for help. They say, I can't do this, I need your help, and they'll probably tell them exactly what it is. For example, I have to have a clean house to think. I just do. And my husband knows this about me, that I get very anxious in a messy environment. And so he knows, you know, if it gets to the point where I haven't been able to do, you know, my my dusting or whatever, that that's a point where he comes to me. This is how great he is. He comes to me and says, What do you need me to do? And the reason he knows that he needs to come to me and ask me what's going to help you alleviate the stress and how can I help you focus, is because I've asked him over the years. I've been direct. Instead of feeling like I have to do everything, which is such a fallacy for women, instead of thinking I have to do everything and be perfect at it, I started saying, I am not perfect. I am a hot mess and I need your help. I wasn't, when I became self-assured, I wasn't threatened by seeking help from others. I wasn't, you know, threatened by what if they find out I'm not perfect? That's what a self-assured person can do. The next thing that you'll find in a self-assured person is that we view failure as an opportunity to grow. Failure sucks. It just does. I was talking to a client the other day and she had a pretty big failure. And we discussed, I said, where are you feeling it? Like in your body. And we were discussing about how our body can really reflect to us certain things and certain feelings. And she said, This failure is a pit in my stomach. I feel sick. And failure does hurt like that. It can create a physiological, you know, symptom. But the thing with failure and being able to tune into not only your body, but recognizing that failure and the steps you took to get to that failure is it's an opportunity for you to learn and grow. Failure is not an end. Failure is a tool for us to have growth. Failure is a tool for us to reach self assuredness. When I was in college, I love psychology. Obviously, I'm going to school for that again. And I remember I was feeling myself one day as I was walking across the campus. And I mean, I had just gotten done with the class. I had this fabulous, fabulous conversation between me and the professor, and the whole class was involved. We had we, it was just awesome. It was just, I remember the day so well. It was a fall day. I went to Eastern Washington University and I'm walking across campus and I am like feeling myself. I was swaying those hips. I was like, that life is good. And this was in like 1998 when those big giant chunky heel things were in, um, like the big black sandal chunky heel things. So anyway, I'm I'm walking across the campus and I had to cross one of the roads to get to another building. And this is a busy road. And so as I'm crossing it, feeling myself, because I'm feeling self-assured, I ate it right in front of a car. Like, thank God they hit the brake. Thank God they had really great reflexes because it would have been bad. And let me tell you, the failure I felt, the shame I felt was like, oh my gosh, Piper, what the heck? Now, what did I learn from that? One, don't feel yourself so much in those clunky 1998 shoes. But what I also felt in that, what I learned from that failure is that self-assuredness feels really good. It feels really good. And so then I tracked it back. Why was I feeling myself? Why was I feeling self-assured? So much so that I biffed it and scraped my knee and almost got hit by a car. But it was because I loved what I was doing. I fell in love with psychology in that class. I'm telling you, that day was the day I was like, yes, I knew this was what I was always supposed to do. But today I feel it. Today I'm embracing it. So yeah, the failure was absolutely embarrassing. But it taught me something. It was a learning moment that I was experiencing something that I knew I was made for, but I experienced it. I taste it in my soul. And that's okay. And by learning through our failure and recognizing these are opportunities for growth, it just builds resilience and perseverance. That's what it does. So we can also, you know, learn from others, but that doesn't mean that we shouldn't strive to learn on our own. Don't be afraid to fail. You've got to fail. I was talking to a classmate the other day, and she's really nervous about our videotaping of you know, mock client sessions that we're doing. We're talking about I said, you need to get on Facebook and do a live. Do like 15 of them, put them on your calendar, do two weeks worth. She's like, that's crazy. What was I? What would I talk about? I said, I don't know. Set a timer for two minutes for the first week, you know, three, five minutes the next week. She thought I was crazy. She's like, I can't do that. There's no way. She was like, I know you're comfortable, Piper, but I'm not. And I said, listen, I had to get comfortable. I had to get comfortable in that environment. And I failed. And there are some of those old videos where I'm like, oh dear lord, what was I thinking? What was I doing? Oh my gosh, what's wrong with my eyebrows? You know, all of those things. But I took it as a learning moment. So rather than just look at other people and gosh, look at what they can do, and maybe I can be like them, I strived for something, something new. I leaned into failing so that I could learn, so I could be resilient and persevere. So lastly, lastly, the most important aspect of a self-assured woman. The most important aspect, I think, and it's the aspect that makes women turn their heads and gossip and be mean. It's this thing that comes off a self-assured woman. And we can't put our finger on it, but boy, it tests us, doesn't it? It's something that we feel, it's in the air. You see it in her. And you know what it is? They know their why. They are self-assured because they know why they are who they are, they know what they're going to do with their why. They're self-assured on the path that they are on. You know, there's a scripture that says that Christians have a fragrance that attracts others, and it's the fragrance of our acceptance of Christ. And I really truly believe, even if you're not a Protestant Christian, you don't believe that, I truly believe that you were given a purpose. It's called your poema. That you were designed for something, and that when you embrace that, your why, your purpose, it's this alluring scent. People turn their heads and wonder, what does she have? Confident people, self-assured people have a purpose. Every reason behind their action, every reason behind their action is that purpose. And it's filled with enthusiasm. It's filled with anticipation of he anticipation of I'm gonna fail and I can't wait. What am I gonna learn? What's around the next corner? They're dedicated, they're excited, they're passionate, and they're ready. They're ready to take on the world, they're ready to walk past a bunch of women being bitchy, that's what they were doing, and saying, Heh, it's all right. I'm on a mission. And yeah, maybe the mission is just going to the grocery store, but it's something within you that attracts other people. It just is. So this is what we've got, right? A self-assured woman takes responsibility. She takes responsibility, she craves learning and progress. She doesn't gossip and she understands that she holds the power to say no, to say no, to not overpromise. And she values her time and her being. She honors her body and her mind. She takes care of it physically, eating right, getting some exercise, taking time for her mental and emotional health. She asks for help. There's no shame in asking for help. She doesn't feed into this idea that women have to be everything to everyone and perfect, and you can't ask for help. She views failure as an opportunity to grow because she knows she'll learn from that failure, and it will just give her more confidence, more resilience, and more perseverance. And the most important thing of a self-assured woman, the thing that makes women cackle and gossip and be mean is these women put off a scent, a fragrance. And it's her why. She knows she has a purpose, and every action is rooted in her reason of her purpose. It drives everything she does. She's so self-assured that she knows that her values and beliefs are so in alignment that she can take on the world. So I know as you're listening to this, you're like, okay, Piper, great. But I am so far away from being self-assured. Uh, great, nice chat. Yay, sounds exciting, but that's not me. I get it. I get it. It's not that easy, right? We can listen to podcasts, but then it's okay, well, what do I do with this? And I think that's the biggest thing too. When you start dipping your toes into some of these things of a self-assured woman, a lot of women, a lot of clients I know start going into kind of the self-help realm. So lots of podcasts, lots of TED talks, lots of books, and that's wonderful, but they forget that there needs to be application. You can't just fill your mind if you're not applying things. And you can't just read 15 books or 15, you know, um blogs and not apply them because it's just gonna go one ear out the other, right? It gets watered down. So I do recognize that it's very difficult to become self-assured. And it takes years and years and years. And guess what else? You have to practice day after day after day. It's not something that you all of a sudden, you know, transcend life and you've got this thing. Um, you're always going to have to keep a focus on it because life is just hard and things are gonna battle, batter us and knock us around. So the first thing that I would say if you're, you know, yeah, Piper, this is sounds great. Yeah, I want to be a self-assured woman, but I'm really kind of sick of this podcast. I know you're there. I know you're listening to me. I I see the eye rolls. I see it. So the most important thing you need to do is you really need to start um identifying your thinking, your cognition, because that's really what's rooted in the choices that you're making. So, going back to my earlier example when my husband came home when we were first married and was like, get off the couch, shower, read a book. What he was seeing is that my stinking thinking, that's what we're gonna call it, my stinking thinking was keeping me a hostage on that couch. And so I had to really dig into what was going on in my mind because what I was thinking was actually creating the behaviors that I was doing. It was creating those situations that were happening in life, it was creating this continued feeling of self-loathing. So I had to dig into what am I actually thinking? What am I actually thinking? So, you know, one of the things I talk about is we need to filter thoughts. Filter thoughts. And I do have a worksheet if somebody wants it. So just reach out to me at Piper at piperharris.net if you want it. But what I want you to do is right now, as you're listening to me, I want you to think about a situation recently. Okay. A situation that really upset you, whether it created anxiety, fear, frustration, sadness, uh, melancholy, um whatever it is, okay. Whatever it is, I want you to bring up that situation in your mind. And I want you to think about what happened, what took place, just the data. I mean, I just want the facts, okay? Where were you? What was happening? What was said, what time of day? I want you just to list the facts. List the facts, okay? So do you have that? Think about just the facts. So, and before I keep going, the whole purpose of this is to, you know, help you separate your feeling, your feeling from what's taking place. Because the problem with our cognitions, the problem with our stinking thinking is that they create this false reality in our mind. So we've got to filter our thoughts so we can really see what's taking place in our reality, and then we can reframe and restructure our thinking, our stinking thinking. And so by doing so, and we keep practicing this, we're going to have a clearer mind, okay? A clearer road to self-assuredness. So the second thing I want you to think about when this situation, I want you to think about the emotions or the feelings. Okay. So, like I shared with you, I told my client the other day that just really had a big setback. And I said, Where are you feeling that? What does it feel like? So I want you to rate this on a scale of one to 10. One or zero to ten. Zero, I'm not feeling it. I'm I'm it's not really intense. Two 10, which is this is intense. I'm feeling it in my gut. I'm having a headache. I my palms are sweating, I'm sick to my stomach, whatever it is. I want you to rate that emotion that took place with that situation that happened. Okay. The third thing I want you to think about is what was the negative, automatic thought that went through your head? And you might have several, you might have several, but I want you to think about um the thought or an image that went through your mind. Okay, that went through your mind. So what was it? So um, you know, like with that woman that was in the grocery store, hypothetically, she could have seen those looks and it could have really upset her, could have devastated her. Let's say it did. And um, her automatic thought was um, those women are they they hate me, or oh my gosh, do I have toilet paper on my shoe or whatever it is? Okay. We all have these negative negative automatic thoughts. And the whole point of this process of filtering thoughts is to try to stop or restructure that negative automatic thought. So what, and you might have several that are your negative automatic thoughts. I'm always gonna be fat, I'm never gonna be smart enough, I'm never gonna, you know, um, attain success, whatever those automatic thoughts are, I want you to think about what's that negative automatic thought that went through your mind in this situation. Okay. Then what I want you to do is I want you to list the evidence that supports that that thought is true. Okay. What's the evidence? What's the evidence that you have toilet paper on your shoe? Uh you know, toilet paper hanging off your shoe. Is there some there? No, okay. Well, that's not true. You know, so go through that thought process. I had a client the other day that was really struggling with some anxiety, and I had to talk her through the same process. And I said, Well, what makes you believe that your boss is gonna fire you? Well, I don't know. Okay, well, let's talk about that. Did you do something wrong? Did you not turn in a report? Did you have um, you know, did you post something naughty online about him? She's like, Well, no, I didn't do anything. In fact, I'm the the top like star employee in my department. I'm like, okay, so what evidence supports that your thought is true? Okay. And then what I want you to do is I want you to list the evidence that does not support that negative thought. Okay, does not support it. So what makes you believe that this thought is false? One of the key indicators to wondering about this thought being false is if it's always the same thought about yourself. Okay, if it's the same thing, I can never do that, I'll never get done. I've never done that before. If that's if it's the same automatic thought, you know this is false. So then you have to figure out why do I keep telling myself that? Okay. Then I want you, after you've done all of this work with this one situation, and this is what I'm saying becoming a self-assured woman doesn't happen overnight. This is daily work, hourly work every single day. But you're worth it. You're worth it. So, next thing I want you to do is I want you to filter those thoughts. You have thought about the situation, you have rated it on an intensity, right? How bad it was. You've come up with the evidence that supports it and doesn't support it, right? You've identified that negative automatic thought. So I want you to filter it. You have all the truths, you all have all the things that are false. You've gone through this whole process. So weighing that evidence, what do you believe now? Rewrite your thought. What is it? What's your alternative thought? Instead of, oh my gosh, my my boss is going to fire me, restructure it, rewrite it. You know what my client came up with? Maybe he just wants to talk to me about the restructuring with the company. And he just wanted to have a nice conversation with me about it. There you go. So is there anxiety still? Absolutely. But she allowed that anxiety of this company restructuring and it made her nervous to go to he's gonna fire me. But she was able to restructure that automatic thought. It still wasn't kind of anxiety-driving thought. Yeah, it was still scary, but it didn't paralyze her. It didn't paralyze her. So then lastly, I want you to filter the feeling and the emotion. You have your new alternative thought. Now I want you to rate the intensity zero to 10. Where are you at? This is how you filter your thoughts. This is how you change your stinking thinking. This is the first step in creating your self-assuredness, and it takes time, it takes so much time, it's not gonna happen over overnight. But you are absolutely worth it. You are absolutely worth it. You can have all of those things I talked about. It takes time, it takes practice, it takes support. If you're just like Piper, I can't do this, then ask for help. Ask for help. There is nothing wrong for asking help for help. Remember, a self-assured woman asks for help. There's no shame in it. If you're having a hard time, you know, dig through the stinking thinking. Somebody can help you with that. But you can be a self-assured woman. And I want you to be a self-assured woman. And you know what? I want you to be such a self-assured woman that when you see that woman walk into the grocery store, you might smile at her, nod at her. Maybe you pass her in the the aisle at the grocery store and you say, Wow, you know, your jacket's great or your hair is beautiful, or whatever it is, do something opposite of what all the other non-assured human beings are doing. That's what self-assurance does. It lifts others up because you are so you know, uh firmly planted in your poema, your purpose, your masterpiece. You lift other people up because you're like, I want you to feel what I feel. It's it's hard. And I know you might feel like there's just no way, Piper, but if you can make a commitment to yourself in 2021, 2021 is your year to build your self-assurance, to build who you are, to embrace who you are, to uncover who you are. 2021 can be your year now, but you have to commit to this to work on it every single moment. Because it takes practice, and you'll need rest from it because it does get a little exhausting to you know shift through or stinking thinking. But if you can embrace that digging through this, recognizing your negative automatic thoughts that you can reframe them and restructure them, all of a sudden you see life differently. All of a sudden, because you're restructuring your thinking, all of a sudden you're getting off the couch. All of a sudden, you're standing a little taller, all of a sudden your shoulders a little bit more square, all of a sudden your head has held high. That's what happens when we embrace our self-assuredness that's rooted in our purpose. So, thanks so much for joining me today. I've had a great time talking to you. Welcome to 21 2021 Self-Assured Woman. Thanks again for joining me today. It really does mean the world to me. So remember, you can put your poem of purpose into action. And if you enjoyed today's episode, please make sure to share it on your social media with your friends, with your family. I want nothing more than to help you transform your life and put that poem of purpose into action. And, you know, how does that look for you? Well, this is a way for you to discover it through this podcast. You can work with me through coaching. But again, thank you so much for your support. If you have more questions about coaching who I am, head on over to piperharris.net. You can sign up for a monthly newsletter or we can just chat. I would love to get to know you. So thanks again. And we will discuss more on how you can put your poem and purpose into action in future episodes.