Hey there and welcome to Piper Harris Coaching, a podcast where I share how you can embrace your poema, your masterfully created purpose. Poema is a foundational anchor that defines your character, directs your decisions, supports your growth, provides protection and healing, engages resilience, and serves those in your lives. Harnessing your uniquely created poema and putting it into action is necessary for healing, actualizing goals, and living a full and content life. We will dive into topics surrounding positive psychology, shifting your mindset, and how to overcome behaviors that are holding you hostage. My name is Piper Harris, and I use my 20 years of experience as a mental health counselor, coach, business owner, mother, and wife and dig into deep and complex issues that you are facing and empower you to overcome and harness the courage to chase after your best life. Thanks for joining us today, and welcome to Piper Harris Coaching Podcast. Hey, welcome everybody. I hope that you are doing well and that you have gas. Uh, if you're in the southeast, none of us have gas. Um, hopefully, this pipeline issue will be fixed. And for those of you that are fearful, um I understand, um the worst thing you can do is run out and hoard gas. The best thing you can do is capture those thoughts, stay home, love on those loved ones, and fight that anxiety um with positive um ways. Again, loving on your family, all of that. So just my quick, quick little hey, we've got this. We can band together with this uh gasoline shortage. So, welcome, welcome today. As you can see, uh today's title is confidence or arrogance. I have to tell you that um in recent weeks, this has been so abundantly um in my face. I don't I don't know how I explain it. It's been in client sessions, it's been in my schooling, it's been in just it, it is everyday life. And I think especially when um working with women, especially with working with women, is that we as a whole, women many times are raised to acquiesce, to sit in the corner, to not ruffle feathers. Uh, that showing our confidence was unladylike. And I have to say, it's just really sickening and I don't like it. Um, I was saying to my husband the other night, I said to him, I said, if I had a daughter, she would know about the strong, powerful women in our history. And I would never let her sit on her laurels and and not fight towards something that I couldn't achieve. Like I want her to achieve more than me. We had this great discussion, and I have my sons, and again, I want to teach them what's the difference between confidence and arrogance, regardless if you're a boy growing up into a man. How do you exude confidence and arrogance? And again, I've been talking about this with my clients lately because it's just so front and center in life. It just really kind of crazy. So, a couple different stories gonna bring you into that today. Um, so a couple weeks ago, I was in one of my classes. I'm in asynchronous school, which that means um there's no real actual like I'm not seeing a professor every day. Everything is done on a platform. So it's basically tons of papers written every day, but you have to interact with classmates for the standards that I'm going for. And so um it was interesting with what I'm doing with my masters, I'm really focused on what they call scholarly writing. And actually, I really like it. Um, creative writing can be difficult for me. Oh man, I hate to say that. Sorry, Mrs. Dennison. She was my favorite creative writing teacher, but um, I really struggle with the creative writing, getting that flow. But the scholarly writing includes um, you don't use the first person, there's a lot of research, and I just love it. I I believe I can put my voice in there um in a scholarly way. So being the nerd and uh, you know, just the the person that I am before I started this master's program, I went through the school's copious amounts of resources on how do you write a scholarly paper? And so I have really applied that in my studies. So um a couple weeks ago, we had a discussion post um in one of my asynchronous classes, and it was actually my assessments class. And um, assessment, just like what you think of it, uh the word, it's psychological assessments. And how do you use those, utilize those in an ethical manner across different cultures? It's a fascinating class. The only part I hated about it was the statistics. It I broke out in a sweat. I thought I was gonna pass out, but I did pass. Um, so anyway, we were in a discussion in assessment, and one of the practices that we did in class that day is we did a self-assessment. It was a mini mental health exam. Um, mini mental health exam. I think that's what it is. Now I can't, I can't see it in my head. Uh, mini mental status exam. Anyway, I I I digress. I sorry. Um so you had to write a post about this assessment and you know what you thought about it. So I'm writing my insights, but I'm writing in it in a scholarly tone. So instead of saying, well, I took this assessment and it made me feel this way, I would write something in the sense of this author took this assessment, and the results led me to the understanding of X, Y, and Z. This author uh, you know, can see the applicability um to other clients. However, you need to be careful of biases and maintain the rapport, confidentiality, and safety of the client you're using the assessment with, right? So that's kind of the gist. Well, so I wrote this whole thing, this discussion post. And once you know it, one of the classmates on there got on there and said to me, and keep in mind, I use a lot of resources. I just I like to and I love to research. So typically my discussion posts have maybe six resources, six to eight. Um, and we're supposed to typically use two. So, yes, I know, overachiever, but I love I love research. So, anyway, this gal gets on my discussion post and says, gosh, reading this, um, I didn't think we were supposed to write so many re with so many resources. I mean, she was kind of doing, wow, this really makes me think I should really do some more insight, but I really didn't think we should do it like you did it. And I was like, oh my gosh. So it was this very odd, backhanded, hey lady, I don't like how you wrote your post. It was so odd. And so I responded back because you're supposed to have a back and forth with your classmates. And I said, Well, you know, I'm practicing my scholarly voice. Thanks for sharing your insight on this. I said, but I think, you know, the most important thing is um, you know, comparison is a thief of joy. Just write in your voice what works for you. She didn't like that, and she kept going and she like went on the attack and told me I was emotionless. That, you know, well, scholarly doesn't mean you're you lack, you've you're void of emotion. It was insane, y'all. Insane. Um, and so I let it die. I'm like, I'm gonna let this just die out because this is not going anywhere. This is silly. But what was interesting that came from that is I ended up having a conversation with a separate classmate that reached out to me and saw it and was like, Whoa, what was that about? And she said to me, Why do you think she attacked you? And I was like, I don't know. Um, she doesn't like my writing, you know. But then we had this really interesting um talk about that some people um perceive confidence as arrogance. And could that be where this woman was coming from? So that's the that's kind of what I was faced with a couple of weeks ago. And then during these sessions that I've been having with different clients, many times it comes up with, well, I'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place at work. They're absolutely taking advantage of me. And then other coworkers are seeing people take advantage of me. So then they're taking advantage of me. So it's this domino effect. And it's I'm talking with them about how are you confidently setting boundaries, being a confident woman in your business space while it's not arrogant. And so many times they come back to me and they say, Well, isn't that arrogant? And I ask them, well, what's arrogant about saying to someone, whoa, hey, I hear you. Why don't we work on this together? Instead of them, you know, piling work on you. And so we have this conversation about is that arrogance or is that confidently setting those boundaries and being confident in your abilities? And here's the thing: people that are not confident do not like that. They just do not like it. So then again, I ran into a situation recently. I was talking with an organization, they're looking for a corporate life coach, a corporate life coach. Um, and they really don't know, they haven't really fully defined what this role is gonna be. And as I asked them, can you clearly define this for me? They couldn't. And I I was asking some very pointed questions. And um, I got off the phone and I called my husband. He said, How'd it go? And I said, Well, it'll be a sheer miracle if they hire me. And um, he said, Well, why? What's going on? And I said, I was confident in who I am, who I've been made to be. I'm confident in my expertise, I'm confident in what I can bring to an organization, but I don't know that they're ready for that. And conversely, they could take that as arrogance. And so I want to talk about the difference between confidence and arrogance. And I have to say, I don't know if it's old age. I don't know if that's what's gotten into me, or if it's just a matter of what I've spoken to you so many times about embracing my poema, is that everything, anything that people point at me, their reactions like the gal in my class or whatever, it's almost like this deflection. It's like Teflon, because I believe I've been chosen for something that's above and beyond what anybody else might hand me. Does that make sense? I have a sense of purpose, and that's my confidence. My confidence comes from this inner masterpiece that I have been given that's been divinely created in me. And I believe every single person has one. And I believe that it's a matter of harnessing that confidence and and you know, filling the world with the confidence. Because here's the thing it's not arrogance, confidence, the kind of confidence that I'm talking about that you get from this this feeling, this this inner poema, is it's it's about your assuredness. You're assured of whom you are. It's it's a uh assuredness that is just uh entrenched in empathy. So it's not about having these better than feelings than anybody else. That's not what confidence is, and I think so many times the women that come to me, or conversely, people that speak with me say, that's not confidence, that's arrogance. Absolutely, it is not. There is an enormous difference between confidence and arrogance, an enormous difference. And I I think I am so tired, I am so tired of people either being lacking true inner assuredness and confidence that when they meet somebody that's confident, they instantly can't stand them and they'll do everything they can to knock them down. Instead of saying, okay, what does that person have? What is it about them that rather than be uh pushed off or uh rubbed the wrong way by someone, what is this? What does this human being have that they feel this authentic pride in themselves? Where does that come from? And conversely, we all know the people that have this real hubris, right? This hubristic arrogance, this look at me. Um, and they're very arrogant. It's all about social status. Yeah, they they name drop, rights, they all of these things, right? It's a different kind of confidence, and it really is more of a narcissism. It's an arrogance, right? It's about I don't need to respect anyone, everybody needs to respect me. So that's not what I'm talking about. That's arrogance. That's that's narcissism. I'm talking about confidence. So self-confident people, they always believe in treating everyone equally. While arrogant people, they really are thinking about themselves. And I'm telling you, this has been studied confidence, self-confident individuals. Like, what's the difference? What's the difference there? And a lot of times it goes back to the attachment figure. So parents, grandparents, whoever raised the child. So many times, many times when there is um a dysregulated attachment, you're going to see someone that's either told all the time that they're super special, they're going to be narcissistic, they're going to be arrogant, or they're they don't know how to create an attachment. So they might um harness narcissism and arrogance almost as a defense mechanism. Because again, so much of how we are today is created when we're growing up. It really is. And it really research shows us that our attachment figures, our parents or grandparents, whoever that attachment figure was in our our growing up years from birth until gosh, uh really 15, 16, 17, but the biggest years are really birth. I think birth, I remember reading birth through eight or nine, I think. Those are enormous years. And if you don't have an attachment figure that is utilizing correct parenting techniques and not teaching you what uh healthy attachment looks like, boy, I tell you, you can become overly arrogant because you're being told all the time how amazing you are and you don't have to do anything, or conversely, you the child doesn't know how to attach. So many times they they go to this totally opposite end of things and they're overly arrogant or narcissistic. So self-confidence also what it does is it shows an inner peace, right? Whereas arrogance, when you meet someone that's arrogant, they're living in fear. And I'm willing to bet any of you that are listening to me would say Piper definitely doesn't live in fear. I have fear, everybody has fear, 100%. However, I do not live in fear. There's a difference. And again, that inner peace and someone that has confidence is something that um they've built over time. They've worked on their resiliency and their self-efficacy, and they might have a faith like mine where they believe there's something that's indwelt inside of them. So that's a real difference there between confidence and arrogance. Confidence lives in peace, arrogance lives in fear, right? Um, the other big difference that I talk to my clients about is confident people believe in working hard. They believe in working hard. Additionally, they believe in working hard and and pushing up their sleeves, and they also believe that they don't have to take all the credit. Whereas arrogant people, they're looking for opportunities just to climb that ladder. They're just looking for that. They they um they're they're gonna step on next, you know, they're gonna do whatever they can to get to the top. So these hubrist people are hubris, um prideful people, they believe that their success is something that they built. But if you look closely, it was really based on bending necks of other people and taking, taking credit. So there might be some hard work, but it's like, well, whose hard work was it? Are you just taking, taking, you know, for granted the people under you? So, for example, like a client of mine, she's been really struggling with this, and she's saying to me, you know, I've got this guy that was put in this management position. She's like, he doesn't even have the schooling I do, none of it. He's over a unit that he doesn't even know how to do. He can't save this patient. She's in healthcare, yet they're putting him in management. And she was just irate. She's like, it's insane to me. And she goes, and he just walks around like he just knows everything. And she's like, he is no help when he comes in that room. In fact, he's a detriment to that person, that patient that I'm trying to save. And so we talked about that's arrogance. That's not confidence that you're seeing in him. And I think too many times people define confidence and arrogance is the same thing, and they just are not. So, you know, confident people, I also believe they work well in a team, while arrogant people want to do everything themselves. Now, this is what I'd say. Additionally, if you've got someone like me that struggles with perfectionism, that's one of my problems. It, I have a hard time releasing the reins. And what I would say is when I'm in a team environment and I feel that need to control and to be perfect, I have to say, and many times I say, because I have inner assuredness, I'm struggling with this. I'm letting you all night know right now. I have this tendency to be perfect. Um, so I'm gonna sit back and I'm gonna help and I'm gonna I'm going to support you all, but I don't want to feel like I need to control. And I have done that, and it pushes people, it brushes them or rubs them wrong. Some people really appreciate it. Some people are like, what is that? That's false humility. And it's like, no, no, no, no, no. This is, I know what my weaknesses are. I know what they are, and I'm telling you all because I want to be a valuable member of this team. And that brings me to another point. Self-assured people, people that are confident, recognize their strengths 100%, and they recognize their weaknesses. They recognize that they rely on other people to help them with those those weaknesses. People that are confident ask for help and say, Oh my gosh, I completely screwed up. Please teach me. I am sorry. Arrogant people, you're never gonna hear them say those things. You will never hear them say those things. What they do is they attack. They attack and say things like, Well, she's not that's false humility. What is she saying? What does she mean by that? I had to get a drink of water. So again, self-confidence really is understanding your strengths, but also recognizing your weaknesses as and that in order to have a full life, whether it's in your home or at work, you recognize you have weaknesses, and so you create partnerships with individuals that can lift you up and you do the same for them. That's what confident confident people do, that's what they do, but arrogant people don't do that again. And with a confident person, they recognize these things, whereas arrogant people don't. They have very little self-reslection, introspection. They really don't care to jump into those things. They'll, if they've been told, hey, that really hurt my feelings, they're gonna deflect. They do a lot of gaslighting, this is on you. You know, it's it, you know, it's it's one of those things. Now, what I want to say too about there's really other people too, right? It's not just confident people and arrogant people. There's people on the in-between where they're like, maybe they're working on confidence, and when they meet someone that's very confident, it's like, ooh, it kind of, I don't, am I allowed to do that? Especially when I meet women that are just working on confidence. So again, I'm talking about confidence and arrogance because I'm running into this. My clients are running into this. How do I navigate being confident? But I'm being told it's arrogant because I'm a woman and that's not essentially what we've been taught all these years. And how do I navigate this? You know, and we're working on that inner assertiveness because that's truly where confidence comes from. So additionally, confident people they handle uh constructive criticism. They do. Whereas what I was saying, arrogant people, they just can't. You know, they either brush it off or they go on the attack. So that's another huge difference between confident individuals and arrogant individuals. And you know, confident people they don't feel like they have to pr impress others, whereas arrogant people always do. Um, yesterday I went out to lunch with a new friend, and she's awesome. Like she's super confident. Uh, she's beautiful to boot. Um, she's an entrepreneur, she's a mother, she's a wife. Um, and we had a really great discussion about how she came to be, um, who she is, how she came to be in her industry. She does Monet um uh for the network marketing. And she talked to me a lot about that. She's like, you know, people think it's a bad thing. She's like, but I'm working my tail off. And I know she is. And so we had this wonderful conf conversation about navigating individuals that are number one, very um just they they're threatened by you, that you make them nervous. And so they don't want to be around you while also navigating this world. Of being a woman that has inner assuredness and walking in authentic pride of that and not caring about what other people see at us. And it was such a wonderful conversation. It was such a wonderful conversation because she and I just had this dialogue two and a half hours at lunch. It's like, oh, we should probably go. We're going to make the restaurant staff mad. But we have this wonderful dialogue of two women, two women that are self-confident and self-assured, yet there was no arrogance between us and there was no infighting. You know, and I think that's the difference too is we got to attract like people. And if you have someone that's just rubbed the wrong way by you, that is not your people. You want people that see your self-assuredness and the things that you have caught completed in your life as like, wow, that's awesome that they did it. Not wow, why do they do so much? Or wow, I could never do that. You know, the snipping, you don't need that in your life. You don't need it. So, you know, the essence of confidence, the really the essence of confidence is that it's this inner self-assuredness. So, how the heck do you get there? How the heck, Piper, do you get there? Well, I know my clients would tell you it takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of work for you to identify those strengths, and especially if you're in your place where you're very, very used to focusing only on your weaknesses, it's hard to find your strengths. And it's really hard to chip away at those old thoughts and behaviors that have crippled you for so long. But it can happen, but you have to change it. Now, listen, the catalyst, the catalyst to confidence is the realization. I hope you're writing this down. The catalyst to confidence, that's what you want. That inner assuredness is the realization that your thoughts influence your actions and your results. Hear me say that. The catalyst, if you're like Piper, I just want confidence so badly. I don't know how to get it. Well, guess what? It's the realization that your thoughts, where your thoughts are, what's happening, are directly affecting and influencing your actions, your results, your behaviors, everything. It is our our confidence is a function of our inner thought life. That's what that is. I have confidence in who I am, what I bring to the table, my experience, my expertise. I also know where I lack. And I also know that those thoughts that want to derail me and tell me, oh, Piper, that that confidence, boy, that's arrogant. Uh-uh. Those are old thoughts that if I listen to, if I tune into, will deter any of my forward movement into the actions and the results that I want for my life. And it's the same for you. It's the same for you. So, how do you find confidence? You got to change your thinking, people. Stinking thinking. And I know we've talked about this. First, you have to have, you know, an accurate assessment. Where are you at? Are you stuck in a mindset that you're worthless? Well, I'm here to tell you, you are not. You are a beautiful, amazing woman. And I believe you were created with something in you, and we just got to find it. But you do have to have an accurate assessment. So are you an absolutely terrible human being? No, that's what I'm here for. We're gonna talk about that. So you can accurately self-assess. And then once we accurately self-assess, we start really digging into those thoughts. What thoughts are keeping you on that couch? What thoughts are telling you that you're not allowed to be a confident woman? Why? Let's find out where that started. I'm willing to bet. Willing to bet. It's with your attachment figures. Willing to bet. And then we start breaking down those thoughts. We start really fighting against them. There's gonna be a disagreement with what you're believing in your mind and what's actually taking place. There's a dissonance going on, and I'm gonna be there showing you like, wait a second, how can two of these things exist at the same time? They cannot. And so we start fighting those thoughts. And little by little, when you find these fight these thoughts, little by little, you start feeling this difference, this change in your actions, your behaviors, and ultimately, ultimately, the results that you're hoping for in your life. And really, what is all of this? This is a practice in building confidence, but self-efficacy. It's that building of experience through achievement, through practice of loving yourself, breaking down these old thought patterns, these belief systems that you no longer have to be, you know, a slave to, and building it through an experience of achievement and overcoming, not through hollow praise, not through cheerleading. I'm not a cheerleader. I'm not a cheerleader. Ask my my my clients, boy. I tell you, they've all had a really hard week this week. Ladies, love y'all. I know it's tough. But they're building that that experience, that well of self-assuredness by doing these steps. So confidence, it's not arrogance, and that's what we've talked about today. So the next time, ladies, you see a confident woman, and the first thing you think in your mind is, who is she? I'm gonna write a really snippy message for everybody to read in the classroom. Catch yourself and say, What is it about this person that's creating this reaction in me? Why is that? Is there something there that ultimately I'm just jealous of? And if you find that, then hold on to it and say, okay, how do I get there? It's not about pulling somebody down. That's what arrogant people do. It's about saying, Listen, I want what she has. What does she have? How am I gonna harness that? What do I need to do? And then acting it out. Because again, the catalyst to confidence is the realization that your thoughts influence your actions and your behaviors. So if you're catching yourself sniping at other ladies because they're confident, what are your thoughts leading to? I mean, think about that. So very interesting conversation today. Um, you know, it's just really forefront of my mind. Had some very interesting conversations with clients, uh, with classmates, with um employers. Um, and what I would say to everybody is um, I might rub you the wrong way. I might. I absolutely might rub you the wrong way. And you know what? That's okay. Because I have a deep, deep inner peace and assuredness in who I have been created to be. And my purpose in life is so that you find that and you embrace that because I want confident, peaceful, inner assured individuals in this world. Because those individuals then want to help more individuals. They want to make it a better place. That's the whole thing about confidence. It's not this ugly thing. Inner confidence breeds the desire to strengthen others. It does. Anyway, I'm off my soapbox for today. I love talking to you all. Hey, drop me a note. Um, you know, I've really enjoyed um doing these podcasts. My next quarter starts up soon, so I won't be doing them as much. But I'd love to hear from you. I'd really love to hear your thoughts. What did you think about this today? Drop me a note, Piper at piperharris.net, or you know, send me a message here. I want to hear your thoughts. I'd love to be able to share those thoughts on future podcasts. But thanks again for supporting me. And just remember, confidence is not arrogance, and you can harness it. But you got to realize that those thoughts are the influencer on your actions and results. Hey there. Thank you for joining me today on the Piper Harris Coaching Podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, please be sure to share it on your social media. Share it with your friends and your family. And if something really spurred, stirred something inside of you, send me a message. I'd love to chat with you about how you can find your poema and harness it for healing and vitality in your life. Thanks so much. I appreciate you, and you'll hear from me soon in future episodes.