Hey there and welcome to Piper Harris Coaching, a podcast where I share how you can embrace your poema, your masterfully created purpose. Poema is a foundational anchor that defines your character, directs your decisions, supports your growth, provides protection and healing, engages resilience, and serves those in your lives. Partising your uniquely created poema and putting it into action is necessary for healing, actualizing goals, and living a full and content life. We will dive into topics surrounding positive psychology, shifting your mindset, and how to overcome behaviors that are holding you hostage. My name is Piper Harris, and I use my 20 years of experience as a mental health counselor, coach, business owner, mother, and wife and dig into deep and complex issues that you are facing and empower you to overcome and harness the courage to chase after your best life. Thanks for joining us today, and welcome to Piper Harris Coaching Podcast. I have these allergies, this allergy season will not stop here in Atlanta. So I hope this is finding you doing well. As you can see today, we're talking about relationships and why they're failing, and more than likely, it's because of you. Nobody wants to hear that, isn't that right? Nobody wants to hear that the reason there's strife in their life, in their relationships, is because of them. But it's true. So today I want to talk about some of the situations that I'm hearing from clients, personal situations, and how our process of how we think about things is really what's leading to the failure in these relationships. So I have to go back real quick. I am um finishing up a certification with um Dr. David Burns on a team T E A M CBT Clinician Level One certification. And it's fabulous. I love Dr. David Burns. If you want to learn more about him, go over to feelinggood.com. You can learn a ton about him. He's got some great books. He's got feeling good and feeling great. And his approach to um helping you feel better is this team approach, and it really is a fast-acting approach to overcoming anxiety, depression, relational issues, um, all kinds of issues. And so I really think a lot about him and am really enjoying this um certification. I gotta get it done. School starts here next Monday, and so I'm uh really chugging along and just again really loving it. So one of the things that he's talking about in the certification really brought this to mind is about relationships because many times I have clients that come in and they say, you know, I'm struggling with depression, procrastination, I'm struggling with anxiety. Um, you know, there's a myriad of things, but no matter what, no matter what they originally come in with, it always comes back to some sort of relationship that's in their life. Because we're we're multidimensional, aren't we? We're multidimensional individuals and human beings, and we have relationships. And so when I'm speaking with my clients, when we're working through these things, it is so easy, isn't it? When with me too, with all of us, that we want to blame the other person. Why won't they just do what I need them to do? Why won't they um pick up after themselves? Why won't they express their appreciation for me? Why won't they just do their damn homework? I mean, it's it's we have relationships in our life and we we tend to blame the other individual. And my job, and I would agree, I think that Dr. David Burns would agree, is that my job is to point out that, hey, we're gonna work on you. If you want to work on this relationship that might be adding to or fueling the flame of depression or anxiety, you need to first look at how it's your fault. What's your point? What's what's your place in this? What's your role in this? And so I want to talk about failed relationships, or maybe a relationship that you wouldn't title as failed, but one that you're constantly um challenged with, that is just constantly pulling on your heartstrings, it's angering you, it creates bitterness, it be it, it just it's that thistle, that thorn in your side. So these failed relationships really um when we start thinking about it, you first of all, you gotta stop blaming the other person because you're not gonna get anywhere with it. But really, when I start talking to my clients, it really boils down to how you set up that relationship. And that really is by our beliefs, our thoughts. Now, as you know, I believe everything that we think makes us feel, makes us act. And so if we can get to the root of what you're thinking, boy, tell you, you have more control over how you feel and you act. So, you know, our relationships that either we failed in or we're just really struggling with right now, it really is about how you set up that relationship. It really is about those beliefs or those thoughts that either you've brought into the relationship or you've created within the relationship. So, for example, um, I know when I married my husband, I had this thought process of um, you know, you're gonna be home at a certain time. You're going to check in with me, we're gonna have a dinner at 5:30 p.m. Um, you are going to do all the outside household chores. I mean, I had this list of thoughts of this is what deems a relationship. However, my husband also had thoughts of what a relationship was. And what happened was it just created this constant strife. Because what we did is we brought these belief systems in that were actually directly connected to something much deeper than who's gonna do the dishes. It's much deeper than that. But it caused this conflict between us. And if you can take a moment, I want you to think about um a specific situation that you're faced with right now. A situation with a relationship in your life. It could be with your spouse, it could be with your roommate, it could be with your child, it could be with a coworker. And I want you to think about a specific situation. Now, I know right now what you're thinking about is you're angry at them, you think that they're um idiots and they're not listening, and oh, why won't they just change? But I want you to stop. I want you to stop and I want you to think about the relationship. And the first thing I want you to ask yourself about this relationship is well, what's the role that I see this person playing in my relationship? What is their role? Okay. So, and and and bring it down a lot deeper than oh, they're they're my spouse, spouse, excuse me, or they're my roommate. No, what's the role? What is the role that you see this individual in your life? So, for example, when I had all these thoughts about how my husband should be, well, you know what? That role I was creating was of a husband, of a protector, of um this thought process of this happy, you know, perfect marriage, 2.5 children, white picket fence, the whole gamut, right? So you need to really ask yourself, what is their role? How are you defining their role? And then conversely, um, what do you believe they're they're defining your role as? And again, don't do the superficial just titles. I want you to really think about that role. Then I what you I want you to think about is um if if that role were true, that role that you have defined for that individual in your life, okay, if that role were true, what does that tell about you? See, we have to get to the root of why we create roles for people in our lives. And when they they break outside of those roles that we've created for them, and we just get so frustrated and so angry, and oh, we just can't handle it anymore. Well, you you gotta figure out what's it saying about you. Why did you need this role? What is it about this role that you're having this person, you're defining this person by that you must have? Everything comes back to um, I believe, those unmet needs or those self-defeating thoughts. Those self-defeating thoughts. For me, when I was first married, boy, I tell you, I think I had all these definitions of these roles that I wanted for my husband. And really, when I took a step back and said, what's going on with me? And frankly, my husband said to me, Whoa, what's going on? This is a little too much. This first year of marriage, it hasn't been really awesome. But I had to take a step back and say, why am I forcing this definition of this role on him? Why do I believe he has to play this role in this relationship? And I had to get down to the nitty-gritty. What were those self-defeating beliefs that I was believing about myself? Well, what I was believing about myself was I was incapable. I was incapable of being in a relationship where it was equal. I felt like I had to exert control over someone because deep down, I felt like I was completely out of control, completely inadequate in this marriage. And so I did this really weird, completely opposite thing in trying to control the whole thing. So I had to get down to the root of why am I placing this definition of a role on him? And what is that saying about me? I'm working with a client right now and she's going through something similar, long-term close friend, and they're redefining their roles. They're redefining their roles. And it's very difficult because what's happened in this long-term friendship is that my client has in a way become more parental in the relationship. She's become parental. Where takes the the equality, the equity of a friendship out of the picture, doesn't it? So then the other individual is fighting against this parental push and doesn't like it. Yet on the other hand, they actually like some of the parenting because they don't have to take responsibility. So this client of mine is in this kind of tug of war how do I redefine these roles? But I have to understand why, why did I choose to define this relationship and this role this way? What does it say about me? And I think that's something that we have to really dig into that your failed relationships, those frustrating relationships, it is not about the other person's behavior. It is solely your responsibility to figure this out. If your kid is acting out and he's, you know, getting into trouble, whatever it may be, yes, as a parent, it's your role to care for them, to guide them. But you need to take a step back and ask yourself, okay, well, what does this say about me? The way I'm feeling about my kid right now, the way I might be giving up, the way I might be just so forcefully, you know, doing things with them. What does that say about me? And getting to the bottom of it. I'll never forget a time when I was younger. And um I, you know, I was I had weight problems, I was a nerd, my name was Piper, I had all these things. And I remember a time where my mother and I were standing there having a conversation with some people at the soccer field. My brother was playing soccer, and a woman had come up to her and started to tell her about how being that I was a fat little girl, I should tuck my shirt in because that would make me look thinner. And I remember standing there as a little girl thinking, Oh my gosh, why is this woman talking about me? And why is mom having this conversation? And you know, all of us, there's always the hindsight is 2020, isn't it? And I remember mom saying to the woman, oh, you know, you're right, that would probably help. In my child's mind, I remember it as very painful. But as I can look back at that, I think about what was the role that my mom had defined for me, or what was the role uh that she had defined as her for herself, and what did it say about her as a parent? So when she heard these things from another woman, I believe, and this is brought me a lot of healing, it was it came from a place of she felt like it was uh poorly reflecting on her parenting with me that she didn't make me tuck in my shirt. Now, we all know that's not true, but that's brought me a lot of healing because she defined something in her relationship to me. She defined something in that role that really wasn't what it was about, right? She really wasn't just a mother trying to help me, but it came back to something different. What was it about mom saying those things and agreeing with this woman? What really was that about? And again, I think that it was just about this fear of, I believe, this fear of how am I going to be seen? I want to be seen as a good mom. So maybe if I um acknowledge a stranger saying these things about my daughter being fat and eating, you know, to tuck in her shirt, maybe I won't be seen as um a less than mother, right? So I think we all have those situations in our life. If you are, you know, um parenting a child that is just over the top, over the top. I had another client and she was sharing this with me, and I absolutely understood because I've had these similar situations with my own children where they just have behaviors, and you're like, oh my gosh, I want to crawl under a rock. This is so embarrassing, right? And as this client and I talked about her situation, and as I'm talking to her, it's so funny so many times when I'm spending time with my clients, it is a direct reflection of what I've had in my life. That's a wonderful thing about coaching and counseling, is that so many times it's just like, yes, I've been there. I know what you're talking about. So she was talking about this, and she was just so upset by her kiddo's behavior. And I had to say to her, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on, hold on. This is not about her. This is about you. What about your role that you've defined for yourself is is so um being pushed, being crunched away, being chipped away by your kiddo's behaviors. What is it saying about you? What are you in need of that your kiddo is just grating on? And you feel like, oh my gosh, everybody's looking at me and they're judging me. What is it? Because again, our thoughts, our self-defeating beliefs, they absolutely are revealing the roles that you have put on yourself in your relationships as well as those others in your life. And that is why you're seeing conflict. It is. You're failing in relationships because you haven't revealed those deep self-defeating thoughts. I'm not good enough. Everybody's gonna think I'm a fraud, I'm scared. Whatever those self-defeating thoughts are, they are bleeding into those relationships. And it is why you're having failed relationships. Because how you set up your relationships, how you think about them, how you define them, that's what makes them succeed or fail. Now, listen, not all hope is lost. We can change this, but you first have to acknowledge what's taking place. So, for example, if you're in a relationship, say um you say to yourself, Well, I'm the submissive one and they're the controlling one. Well, what are those rules? What are the rules that you're already setting up in your mind? Because maybe you were taught, hey, I need to be quiet as a child. And that thought has followed you throughout your life. And you you had this thought because you had to be quiet. It was a safety measure, it was a safety strategy, but now it's followed you through your life, and now you're submissive in every relationship in your life. Well, what happened because of the submissive thought process? This self-defeating, I'm not worthy enough, I need to be quiet, I need to play submissive. What happens? Well, the unintended consequence is you're going to be inviting in controlling relationships. Our thought process, our history all has consequences, and it all happens in the relationships of our lives. It does, it plays out, and I'm telling you, I can't tell you how many times, even when I was doing uh career coaching last year when COVID first hit, I would have women come to me, they had lost jobs, or maybe they felt like they really needed to change what they were doing. And inevitably, every single conversation, it was so funny. They say, Well, I just want to work on my resume. And I'd say, Well, let's work on something else. And I'd kind of bring them back to what's the problem here? Let's look at your resume and why you're struggling with saying what you did, or what why did you leave this job? It is about relationships. So you have to ask yourself the rules that you're putting in your relationships, and what does that say about you? You have to do some digging. It's hard. I understand. It's so very hard. And here's the other question to ask yourself if those rules that you're making for yourself, whether it be submissive or I have to be perceived as the best mom or I have to control my husband and my relationship, if those definitions and rules are true, what does it say about you? What does it say about you? I know when you hear me saying these words, you're like, geez, Piper, come on. I know it's hard to hear, and I have to do this with myself as well. So many times. In fact, last week, um, I got sick this past week. I have a heart problem. Um, and it caused me some issues, and I was so off with um my client sessions. I came down with a cold. I didn't realize there's an underlying heart thing going on. But my sessions, I'm telling you, I walked away from a week feeling like a failure, feeling like I failed my clients. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm not doing what I should be doing, I shouldn't be doing this. I mean, the the self-defeating thoughts that were running through my mind were insane. And in it, it hurt. It hurt. But I had to take a step back back and say to myself, okay, hold on a second. What is the role that you're playing for your clients? Am I their coach and counselor? Yes. Am I their savior? Absolutely not. Am I supposed to be perfect? Oh man. When I asked myself that, I had to say no. And then I had to say to myself, okay, Piper, if you feel like you have to be perfect and on point and you're just gonna save them from everything, what does that say about you? And asking myself that question was pretty dang painful. What does it say about me? It says that I fear deep down, what if I what if I'm not doing good enough? What what if I'm what if I'm I'm full of myself? I remember thinking to myself, what if I'm I'm crazy? What if I never was called to this career? Those rules that I was placing on myself that were giving me anxiety and making me feel like this terrible coach because I had an off week really went back to these self-defeating thoughts that gosh, I really thought that I put them away, but I didn't. They came right back. And it's am I good enough? Am I good enough? All of our relationships, all of our relationships are failing in part. I'm not just saying it's just you, but in part, and all you can do is control you, in part, they are failing because you are not really getting to the root, the crux of the rules that you're setting on them and what it says about you. What if, let me ask you this? What if you know you have this role that you play with the other person? What if it was true? What if you are a failure piper as a coach? What's the worst thing that could happen? What's the worst thing? And I need to keep asking myself, what what if that's true? What's the worst thing? And you can't Keep asking yourself this what if, and you eventually get to the root of what's going on. And that's what I had to do with myself. What if I'm the worst coach ever? Well, I played it out. Okay, well, if I'm the worst coach ever, well, that means that eventually I won't ever have clients. Okay. All right. Yeah. So what if you never have clients again? What does that mean? Tell me about that. You know, I'm talking to myself. I'm literally coaching myself. What does that mean? Well, then, you know, that means that I I don't have the financial stability. Oh, okay. Okay. Yep. So, but what about that financial stability? What tell me more about that? What if that's the worst thing possible? What what else is there? Well, once I finally got to the end, well, if I don't have this, if I don't truly have clients and I suck at coaching, then deep down I feel like I'm still a failure and I'm not good enough. Ouch, right? Ouch. You have to look at the role that you're putting yourself into and what it says about you. And conversely, you have to say to yourself, what is the role that I'm putting this other person in? What are they, what am I trying to force them into filling? What am I trying to force them into filling? Because listen, it's not their job to fill it. It is your job to recognize how your self-defeating thoughts, these thoughts that have followed you your lifetime, are feeding into this relationship. And you're creating these rules and regulations for other individuals, and it's just causing strife in your relationships. You have to reveal the rules, the roles, and what does it say about me in your relationships before you're going to heal them? You you just do. You've got to work through those things, and you've got to reveal those feelings of whatever it is, the self-defeating feelings. You've got to figure that out. Now, listen, um, you know, relationships are tough. Relationships and and tough is an understatement, isn't it? I mean, tough is a massive understatement. But we have to figure out a way to get through them. And I'm telling you, you're going to feel so much um release when you can finally get to those definitions that you've placed on individuals in your life, that you're finally going to understand, okay, these are the roles and the rules I'm creating for myself because of X, Y, and Z, or I'm trying to force this person into this mold because I'm missing something. And rather than looking towards someone and blaming them for everything that's wrong with you, got to look inward and you got to figure out what's going on with you. You have to. Otherwise, you're going to continue to have the same relational issues with all kinds of other people. I guarantee you, whatever relationship problem you're having with your life right now, if you go through your history, you're going to see a common thread because you're bringing the same thoughts into every single relationship in your life. You are. You're bringing the same exact thoughts. And typically we're going to have a few. We're going to have a few. And you're going to constantly have to look it in its face and tell it no. That's just how it goes. It's hard. It's hard work. So relationships, excuse me, they're failing because of how you're thinking. Oh, I know that hurts. I know that hurts to hear, but it's true. But there is a way for you to move past it. And that is by saying to yourself, okay, okay. Why am I defining these roles and rules for myself? What does that say about me in going through how you got there? One of my clients had an extraordinary, extraordinary session. And they had shared with me that they had finally gotten to the crux of a relational issue. And what it came down to is something that had created the whole landscape in her mind. I'm not good enough. But by her being able to just dig out those yucky feelings, she was able to finally acknowledge these were the rules and these were the definitions she was putting on herself and in the relationships in her life. And by exposing it, like I say to my clients, you're exposing this to the light. She was better able to see when she started doing that again in other relationships, putting people in positions they shouldn't be in, putting rules on people that they shouldn't be in. We all do it. We all do it. But you've got to do the hard work of saying to yourself, okay, what does this say about me? What does this say about me? And listen, it's the same with everyone. And I believe this. We all have historical influences in our life. I'm not going to say blame mom and dad, but I tell you, we have historical influences. And if you can look at it in a loving way and say, okay, I had this thought based on this historical influence. I have this thought. And then I created the safety measure, whether it be submissive, whether it be um reactionary, angry, whether it be avoidance, that was a safety measure that you needed in your history. You needed it. But there are unintended consequences to you using that safety measure. So what are those unintended consequences? Well, you might be always playing submissive, you might be always being taken care of, you might lack true and trusting relationships because you blow up. You might constantly avoid things and then you just never feel resolved with anything. That's an unintended consequence. And what happens with that unintended consequence is how you start talking to yourself. I mean, if you're constantly battling it out and feeling like you're failing relationships, your self-talk is probably pretty bad. Why am I a failure? Why does this keep happening? I mean, that self-talk gets really bad. And it brings you right back to that loop of those self-defeating thoughts. But if you can confront those thoughts, do the digging, do the painful digging that you need to do to figure out these were just safety strategies. This is how I reacted, but I no longer have to do this. I no longer have to be ruled by these rules and regulations and definitions. I recognize what these rules are saying about me. I can see them. And by seeing them, I can acknowledge them. I can compassionately accept what's taking place, and I can also choose to move forward and choose to do something differently. It sounds simple, right? The process sounds simple, but man, it is not easy. It is not easy. I mean, I listen to podcasts, I read my books, I'm in my master's program, I'm doing certifications, and I tell you these stinking, niggling, self-defeating thoughts come up no matter what. Because they do, they just come up. But I can compassionately come to myself and say, Piper, you're not a crappy coach. You had a crappy week, but that doesn't make you a crappy coach. And a crappy week does not define who you are, it doesn't take away that you believe this is your calling. This is just coming from a place of fear of I'm not good enough. Look it in the face, accept that, and time to move on. And that's what I had to do, and that's what you need to do. So failed relationships, how you set your relations up, your relations up, make you or make them fail or succeed. How you define your roles, the rules, all of those things, decide if they're going to be successful or a fail, a failure. And I guarantee you, if you're having relational problems right now, you are failing because you're not acknowledging those self-defeating thoughts. Self-defeating thoughts. So just a little tidbit. If you have any questions about relationships, how do you work through these processes, Piper? Give me a call. And I also want to give a shout out to Dr. David Burns. He really is a phenomenal, phenomenal clinician and has amazing, amazing um books and free um podcasts and anything you can think of. So please look him up at feelfeelinggood.com. I really do think the world of him, and I'm learning so much through his team CBT techniques. Um I'm looking forward to continuing my certifications with him and team CBT so I can bring that to you, to my clients. Um, but please um read his books, go to his podcast. He is a hoot to listen to. Um, he just he and he's so willing, he's so generous. And so um, if you're like, you know, Piper, you're fun to listen to, but uh, I want somebody that's more seasoned. Go go check out Dr. Burns. Um, you will not um regret it. I I really just think the absolute world of him. So again, um, if you are in the midst of failed relationships, if or you're struggling in a relationship, it it really, it really does have to do with how you define those roles and asking yourself, what does that say about me? And just digging that out, digging that out and seeing what those self-defeating thoughts are and how they're feeding this issue in your relationship, and more than likely it's feeding other issues and relationships. So thanks so much for joining me today, and I'll talk to you all very soon. Hey there, thank you for joining me today on the Piper Harris Coaching Podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, please be sure to share it on your social media, share it with your friends and your family. And if something really spurred, stirred something inside of you, send me a message. I'd love to chat with you about how you can find your poema and harness it for healing and vitality in your life. Thanks so much. I appreciate you, and you'll hear from me soon in future episodes.