Hey there, and welcome to Piper Harris Coaching, a podcast where I share how you can embrace your poema, your masterfully created purpose. Poema is a foundational anchor that defines your character, directs your decisions, supports your growth, provides protection and healing, engages resilience, and serves those in your lives. Harnessing your uniquely created poema and putting it into action is necessary for healing, actualizing goals, and living a full and content life. We will dive into topics surrounding positive psychology, shifting your mindset, and how to overcome behaviors that are holding you hostage. My name is Piper Harris, and I use my 20 years of experience as a mental health counselor, coach, business owner, mother, and wife and dig into deep and complex issues that you are facing and empower you to overcome and harness the courage to chase after your best life. Thanks for joining us today, and welcome to Piper Harris Coaching Podcast. And in a conversation with my husband, I told him that I had felt uh the need to share something the other day with clients, with people on my newsletter, but I was struggling with the writing of it. And I think a lot of it is that I'm in school and I'm constantly writing anyway. But he also reminded me that that's not my strong suit. Not that I don't enjoy writing, but it's just not the thing, you know, the thing that um I love to do all the time. So um I welcome you. Thank you so much for joining me. And if you're listening to this on my podcast, uh, thank you for joining me. So in the last um, you know, couple weeks, I would say, I have had a sort of uh epiphany of sorts. And I think the biggest reason is based on what's happening in our world. And you'd have to be living under a rock to see what is going on in society. And I am seeing complete chaos. I'm seeing complete chaos, I'm seeing um just there's just divisiveness and pain, all of these things that are going on. And as a coach and soon-to-be counselor, I'm also seeing my clients kind of in the middle of this stuff that's going on. And so I I've just had some real change of change of heart with a lot of my approach. So a lot of you know that my belief system, my belief system, my spirituality, my faith is Christianity, evangelical Christianity. And over the years, over the years, um I have never wanted someone to feel they weren't welcome or safe with me. So I've shared my faith with clients and I've asked permission for those things, but I've never been incredibly open because of my fear of um upsetting someone or or you know, whatever could could possibly happen. You know, all those what-ifs were running through my mind. And I have to be really honest. I I sent an email out to um my newsletter list and I said, listen, some of you are gonna stop talking to me, and some of you are gonna stop following me, and that's completely okay. But I'm to the point, I'm to the point now that I believe this mess that our world is in, um, the answer is Jesus Christ. Period. Now, the caveat being that I also believe in my work. I also believe I've been called to this work as a coach and soon to be counselor, and that it has been God given to me, and that that combination of understanding who Christ is, who he is for your life, and having someone like myself who has the education and the expertise to help you walk through things, but I also have that anchor and um it really allows for full healing. And as I said to my uh you know, clientele this weekend, I said, you know, I can't bring 100% healing. In fact, that's your job when you come to work with me. But I also believe that there's only so far I can get you, but I do believe that combination of bringing faith into it um can get you where you need so that you can get over those mountains that seem are are unsurmountable with whatever you're facing. So today I wanted to talk about positive reframing. So positive reframing um has been around for a very long time. It's an old cognitive behavioral technique. And I think a lot of times people think about positive reframing um kind of like those cheesy, uh, I'm gonna stand in the mirror and tell myself I love myself. And people just see it as this real cheesy thing that really doesn't take place. That you know, oh, I've had I've had clients say to me, I don't do the positive reframing or the positive affirmations. There's there's no meat to it. Because here's the thing if you're just telling yourself positive affirmations, if you're just saying positive affirmations, but you don't truly, truly, deeply intrinsically believe them about yourselves, these words are false. They're not gonna land, they're not gonna make a difference in your mental health, they're not gonna make a difference in your cognitions, the way you're thinking, the way you're feeling, and the way that you're acting. Because you're just saying surface things. I think that's a lot of um people we're searching, aren't we? We're we're searching for things that are gonna make us feel better. And it's these little band-aids. So a lot of self-help books, they're wonderful, but they sit at that surface level. They sit at that surface level. And I think that positive reframing gets a bad rap. It gets a bad rap because people see it as just this positive affirmation thing, and it's completely different. So this uh this weekend, I was in church with my family and my pastor. If you want to go check it out, it's fellowship Bible church in Roswell, Georgia. Um, our pastor was talking about this situation that took place, and it was about Peter. If you know anything about the scriptures, Peter was one of Jesus' followers, apostles, and Peter was the one that denied Christ three times um before Jesus was crucified. And um, he was like Jesus's main man, right hand man. And so um it was pretty awful for him to deny him, and it came from a place of fear because Jesus had been taken by the Romans and they were going to crucify him, and Peter was afraid, he just was, and so not a bad part of his history, right? So as the story goes, Jesus is crucified, and then three days later he is risen again, he's resurrected. That is the core foundation of the Christian faith that none of us can le live a life that are full of abundance without accepting this full forgiveness that's given to us freely. We just have to say, Hey, I love and Jesus, I believe in Jesus. So, what happens is after um Jesus resurrects and he comes back and he sits down with Peter. And it was so cool as I was thinking about today and thinking about my pastor's sermon. He he talked about um how what Christ did is rather than focus on Peter denying him three times, Jesus asked him three times, Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me? Jesus did not choose to focus on the really crappy thing that Peter did. He chose to say, But it, do you love me? It's okay. We're moving past this. Do you love me? And and Peter just broke down and said, You know who I am, you know I do, but you know I totally screwed up. And so there was this great shame and pain that Peter felt in that moment. Yet Jesus was like, I let's not talk about it. Do you love me? And as I was thinking about positive reframing today, and what I was thinking about, especially in light of what I feel I have to start doing as a coach and soon to be counselor, is counseling psychology, all of that can go hand in hand with faith, 100%. And as I was thinking about positive reframing, and that is not just positive affirmations, it's not the surface level thing. I thought about what Jesus did for Peter. And what did he do in that moment? Did he choose to focus on Peter's shame? No, but he helped in that moment. I feel Jesus was helping Peter to look at the positive reframing of not a good moment in in Peter's life, not some good choices, right? And so the reframing brought it back positively. It really, it really is such a powerful story, and it's in Luke 15, I believe. And it really does exemplify what positive reframing is. What positive reframing when you're faced with a situation where, and think about that right now, think about a situation where you feel great pain, great embarrassment, whatever that is. Think of that, okay? And what a positive reframing it comes by not just saying, Well, I am actually a good person. You have to believe it and you have to reframe it to recognize there's something much deeper, much more beautiful to this pain and this burden that you're feeling. But it's a hard process to go through if you're used to self-help ebooks and this positive affirmation thing that's in this space that can be very surface and it doesn't get down into the depths of your heart and doesn't help you heal. So I was thinking about, you know, the pastor this weekend, and he was he was sharing this story. And I thought, wow, what an uh amazing visual of positive reframing for Peter's life. What a what a positive, positive way for us to think about Peter was able to let go of the shame and the embarrassment because ultimately the most important thing was his love for Christ. So when I was thinking about how we reframe situations, I was just thinking about this last year. So many of us have been faced with so, so much pain with COVID. People have lost loved ones, people have lost their income. It's it's been an excruciating past year in 2020, and I just see that it's continuing into 21, 2021, and we're just bound by these depressions and these anxieties and these fears and misgivings, all of these things. So, what can we do to positively reframe those situations in our life? So I was thinking about you know this this past year, and and how how do how do I use positive reframing and am I always successful in it? So much like the scripture that our pastor shared this weekend, and I will find it. Um, I I promise I listened to the pastor in church this weekend, I believe it was Luke 15. Um, but as I was thinking about situations in my life where there are choices that I wish I hadn't made, that I really wish I hadn't made. And that shame, and this is what our pastor was talking about, is something that keeps us hostage, something that keeps keeps us hostage from really embracing our fullness of who we are. And that's a lot of what I talk about, the women I work with is that when we talk about that shame and that pain, number one, we have to compassionately look at that and say, hey, I did the best I could. And then we work through that. And that's part of the reframing process, but it's not always that easy, is it? So, for example, um, you know, thinking about a time where there was some shame, there was some mistakes made. I um had continued a friendship with someone for quite some time and a good person, not to say that they were a bad person, but it wasn't a healthy friendship for me. It wasn't um edifying, it wasn't um pressing me to be a better person. In fact, a lot of times I found myself pulling back from the person I wanted to be. It was almost like I was taking a step back from the maturity that I had worked on moving forward. And um, you know, situations where I just wish I hadn't made those choices, where I hadn't made those choices. And so I think for a long time I had that feeling of I really screwed up. And if I can't manage that situation, then how can I know in the future if it's a positive friendship for my life? So it really kind of kept kept me captive to past choices and mistakes, but also kept me prisoner to anything that I could have in the the future. It was just this awful thought. And I wonder if you all have that. If you have something that keeps you rooted in the past, but it paralyzes you from moving forward in the future. Uh, do you all have that? I should surely I'm not the only one. And what I was thinking about in that, that the positive reframing that has to take place is one, it can't be just these affirmations. I have to believe it in my soul that the choices I made were number one, the best I could do at the time. But there was a beautiful choice, there was a beautiful thing going on behind the choice that had me continue to go through. And this is something that I work with my clients. So, with this example, if I were speaking to myself, I'd say, well, explain to me, you know, what's this feeling you have? And so I would say something like, um, I have real regret and shame for some of the choices I made. And I wish I hadn't continued for so long. And it's just I'm embarrassed, and I just I feel like I wasn't a positive reflection of who I want to be, and obviously for my faith. And it just I just don't know. And I don't know if I'm smart enough to move forward with other friendships and not cross that line and feel less then. So if I said that to a therapist working through this, my next question would be okay, well, it sounds like there was some shame and some regret involved, and that you really wish you hadn't made those mistakes. So why don't you tell me why you kept doing them? Well, if someone asked you that question, wouldn't that make you feel worse? Right. But sometimes we have to dig into the muck and the mire to kind of try to understand. So much like Peter, I said he he denied Christ three times, but we have to dig into that muck in the mire. And he was scared to death. They were being hunted for for loving God, for loving Christ on earth. He he denied him because he was just simply afraid. So if a counselor said to me, you know, why do you think you kept doing that? I might say something like, I don't know, uh, because I constantly make mistakes, because I unreliable with how I think. And the response I think I would I would say is, okay, so you're really questioning your ability to make different choices, and it's holding you captive or prisoner to being able to move forward and pass this and forgiving yourself. I might say, Yeah, yeah, that's that's what it is. And the next question that's part of this positive reframing process is okay, but what are the good reasons you stayed in that friendship? What are they? Now, some people, when I've asked this question of them, when I've worked with them, they're stumped, they have no idea. Um, because it can be really hard. It can be really hard. So we have to do a little pulling and talking and that sort of thing. But if I think about this particular situation, and this is a real situation, what are some of the reasons I maintained a friendship for so long that I knew was pulling away from who I wanted to be? And some of those reasons, the good, really good reasons was this was a really nice person that we had created a bond, and it wasn't bad all the time. Another reason was I just thought maybe that there could be a shift that maybe I could be a positive influence on their life. There's nothing wrong with that. Other things were well, we live in close proximity. Gosh, I don't want to make things uncomfortable for anybody. Those are good things. So, what do those things actually say about who I am? Well, they say I'm caring, they say I'm concerned for others' feelings, they say I'm concerned for other other people's character, they say I struggle with hurting someone. So all those positive things are the opposite, the other side of those feelings of I make terrible choices, I'll I'll never recognize this in my future. It's the opposite side. There's always a beautiful, amazing side to those pains that we always hold on to, those things that hold us captive, the shame that we feel. There's always something really beautiful to the opposite side of what we're feeling. And so the whole point with positive reframing is not these silly, superficial, I am wonderful, you know, I am I'm great, I am good. That's great. But you need to get down deep and recognize those other things that are still holding you prisoner, those those other words on the other side of the affirmation. The other side of the affirmation is that thing that you're trying to hide, you're trying to feed something in you, but the affirmation just kind of is a band-aid, it's just kind of right on the surface. These this actual process of positive reframing, seeing the other side, it's just like a coin, right? You have the head side and you have the tail side. This is your thoughts and your feelings, but we can reframe them in understanding. So, bringing it back to what my pastor was talking about this this weekend, is Peter carried such immense shame. He did. He he he carried such immense shame. And Peter, if you know anything about him, he was a hothead. I mean, he he was a hothead. He was a hard worker, he was a fisherman, he was rough and tough. I can imagine, like, you know, the the fishing shows you see on like uh Nat Geo, you know, the the toughened leathered skin and the rough, calloused hands. I mean, he was a rough dude, he worked hard for a living and he had a hair trigger temper. He did. But he fell in love with Christ and what Christ taught him about himself. Because what God Jesus was so good at is I hear you, I see your pain, I see your shame, I see those things that you're holding on to, but let me show you the other side. Let me show you the beautiful things that are a part of you. Let's not focus on this pain. I'm saying it's gone. I'm saying I'm forgiving you. So let's look on the opposite side. And so Peter had such immense shame when Jesus came back to life. He was like, Oh boy, is he gonna bring up what I did? Is he gonna bring up what I did right before he was killed? Because that was like a really bad moment in my life. And I just am having such a hard time looking in his face because I do love him and I gosh, I screwed up. And what Christ decided to do was he decided to say, Hey, I know what you did. I know what you did. But what's the other beautiful side? Yeah, you were afraid, but why were you afraid? Because you had been following me and loving me the whole time. So when you consider positive reframing, it needs To go deeper, so much deeper. Because listen, the way you think, not just the thoughts and the positive affirmations that you kind of sprinkle on top, the way you think emotes an emotion and creates a feeling and creates an action. So if the only thing that you're telling yourself is I'm always going to fail, I'm never worthy, I'll never overcome this. What are your feelings going to be? What is that emotion that's going to come up? And how are you going to act? So the point of positive reframing is to say, okay, here's this really painful emotion that I have, or this painful memory, or something that I'm just really not proud of. And to go through this process of saying, Well, okay, why did I do that? Why did I keep doing that? Okay, well, what could be the beautiful part of this? What is it? Because had I been able to sit down with Peter and said to him, So what's the beautiful thing about you denying Christ? He would look at me like I was a crazy person. He would look at me and say, Piper, what you just said is just as bad as what I did. But then I say, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. But didn't he just say, Ask you, do you love me? Wasn't your denial of him didn't it all happen because you were afraid? Because you followed him. There's always an opposite and beautiful side to you, to the choices that you make, to some of those thoughts that are running through your head. And so positive reframing is something that you can apply to your life. And it takes time and it is not easy because all of us, a lot of us, have that rumination. Like we were like a chew, a cow chewing on his cud, you know, we're just chewing on this thing over and over again and continue, continually beating ourselves up. But if we can break that cycle and start working through this positive reframing process, not I am wonderful, I am neat, I'm, you know, all of those things, but really working through some of that pain and that there's a beautiful thing to it. One of the things that I'm uh teaching my clients right now is um a technique of cognitive behavioral therapy. It's a it's a sister of it, and it's called compassion focused therapy. And I love it um because it brings compassion to some of our behaviors and our choices. And so many times um we are so used to beating ourselves up. And our our practices so many times are learned safety strategies. So I think about Peter. He he he was a hair-trigger temper, he he just said stuff, he didn't really think before he spoke, he's just very passionate. So I think about him denying Christ while he was standing around that fire, and I think that was his strategy, right? In life, his strategy in life was right then and there. Like he just went for it, he just said whatever. There wasn't much of a filter going on, slowing him down. And I think that was something that he learned. He learned to be strong and to the point and firm. And he just didn't really think a lot. He was known to be that man. So this was something that he learned. Excuse me, I have to take a drink of water. So this is something that he he had learned throughout his life, and it followed him, right? So these learned strategies, I talk with my clients about that. These learned strategies, they're not necessarily bad, but they can create, you know, bad feelings, bad actions, all of those things. So we dig into these learned strategies, these things that have followed us our whole life, bring compassion to it and understanding to it, understanding in a positive, beautiful way that maybe our choices might be looking ugly these days, but there's something beautiful, there's a reason that you chose it. And we just bring it back around to understanding, compassionately looking at ourselves and saying, okay, yeah, um, am I really that terrible of a person? Or was I doing something that I've learned and that really was positive? There, there's some beautiful things to it. And so many times I'll ask, you know, clients, well, would you take away this pain 100%? If you could erase your pain, would you get rid of it 100%? And I guarantee you, if I were to ask Peter, if I could take away that shame and that pain and that embarrassment of you denying Christ, would you take it away? And if I'd gone through this whole positive reframing process with him, you know what I think he'd say? I think he'd say, it grieved me that I did that. And it was embarrassing, humiliating, and not the representation of whom I want to be. But what came on the other side of it, I don't want to deny what I learned from it. I don't want to deny the gift I got from it. And that's what positive reframing can do for you. I'm not saying it's gonna take away all your pain. I'm not, and I'm not gonna say that it's gonna take all your shame and guilt away. It's not. But it is a tool in my toolbox for myself and for my clients that helps us to find the beautiful things that are in the pain and allows us to look back and say, gosh, maybe I wouldn't take that away. Maybe it's okay that that did happen. So going back to my own example, I think about that a lot. I do, and how I could have managed things differently. Would I never have had that friendship? No, never because that friendship was really wonderful and beautiful. It taught me a lot about how to be a good friend. It taught me a lot of loving people that are different than you. It taught me a lot of things. Would I get rid of it entirely? Nope. I learned a lot of good things. Was it painful? Was there shame and guilt that I used to attach to it? Sure. But would I erase it from my entirety of my history? Never in a million years. Never. So that is the end. The very end. Thank you for joining me today. Again, um, this is something new. If uh you are new to me, head on over to piperharris.net um and then you'll see slash vlog. So you'll have these um videos here. I'm starting to load these up. And if you're not aware of my Piper Harris coaching podcast, you can listen to that on Anchor, on Spotify, and Apple iTunes. So make sure you check in on that there. So I would love to hear from you, want to hear what you thought about this. And listen, you're gonna hear more about my faith because I believe with all of my heart that this world is an absolute mess. And I believe I am placed on this earth to work with individuals like you. But I also believe, I also believe the true healing that everybody needs to find is found in Jesus Christ. It just is. So you're gonna hear a lot more of that. Counseling, psychology, and Christ, they can go hand in hand. Thanks again for joining me today, and I will see you another time. Hey there, thank you for joining me today on the Piper Harris Coaching Podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, please be sure to share it on your social media. Share it with your friends and your family. And if something really spurred, stirred something inside of you, send me a message. I'd love to chat with you about how you can find your poema and harness it for healing and vitality in your life. Thanks so much. I appreciate you, and you'll hear from me soon in future episodes.