Hey there and welcome to Piper Harris Coaching, a podcast where I share how you can embrace your poema, your masterfully created purpose. Poema is a foundational anchor that defines your character, directs your decisions, supports your growth, provides protection and healing, engages resilience, and serves those in your lives. Harnessing your uniquely created poema and putting it into action is necessary for healing, actualizing goals, and living a full and content life. We will dive into topics surrounding positive psychology, shifting your mindset, and how to overcome behaviors that are holding you hostage. My name is Piper Harris, and I use my 20 years of experience as a mental health counselor, coach, business owner, mother, and wife and dig into deep and complex issues that you are facing and empower you to overcome and harness the courage to chase after your best life. Thanks for joining us today, and welcome to Piper Harris Coaching Podcast. And if you are fighting this virus or you are in the midst of some sort of tragedy, trauma, fear, just know that there are people out there that uh, no matter if you've met them or not, care for you, love for you, and are covering you in prayer. I want to also share with everybody that's listening that this podcast, this video, is going to very much delve into, delve into my Christian faith, but also my work as a counselor in training. So it's really interesting how so many times everything that I'm being asked to study is something that I am facing in my life. So recently, what they're talking about with us as counselors in training is that as a counselor, we adhere to the ACA, excuse me, code of ethics. And within the code of ethics, it is very clear that counselors are not to place our biases and values onto the client. And predominantly, what we find in a lot of the literature, what we see in society is that basically Christian belief belongs nothing in or does not belong anywhere in counseling, in speech, in schools, whatever it may be. From a very personal perspective, I feel like this is an assault on the Christian faith. I really do. But from a perspective of someone that has been called to this service to being a counselor and serving others, I do understand not imposing my values and my beliefs on my clients. Now, I'll say that over the years working as a coach, all of my clients know my belief system that's never been hidden from them. And I'm very honest. And until we have broached or I broached the subject of spirituality or religion, it is not something that uh is commonplace in our talking together until they ask it, until they say and they invite, I really want to have a discussion surrounding spirituality or faith. So I work really hard to not impose values and beliefs, especially within the Christian, my Christian faith, because unfortunately, just like there is in every facet of every religion, in every job, there's always a bad apple, isn't there? There's always someone that leaves you hurt, that burns you, that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. And so many times all of us, I've done it before too, take this huge brushstroke and say, Well, that's how every Christian is. That's how every Muslim is. That's how every Hindi is. That's how every car salesman that is, that's how every rich person is. We take these very broad brushstrokes when we don't take a moment to step back and say, let me get to know this individual. And, you know, we're talking about this in school about not imposing our beliefs, and they talk a lot about value conflicts. That as a counselor or even a counselor in training, I might have individuals that come to me that I have a value conflict with. And I can tell you, I have actually been in this situation already as a coach. I have been placed in um situations where people have chosen to work with me and there was a value conflict, whether they were part of the LGBTQ community, whether we were a completely different race and they were clear across the world, and I had no idea how to talk to them, what to do, there was there was a conflict. And it wasn't, I would say, a conflict where I um wanted to impose my values or beliefs, but what it was honestly is it scared me. Well, I don't know how they think, I don't believe how they're thinking. So how can I even help someone like this? I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to hurt them. So I got scared. I got scared. Like, how how do I do this? And what I recognized as a coach is that I had to continually be um reflective. I had to continually think, um, you know, Piper, listen to them. They're a human being sitting in front of you that's trusted you with this sacred time together. They're intimately sharing details, they're trusting you. You've got to honor that. And it's been hard. I mean, I will never forget the first woman that came to me that was a lesbian, and I really didn't know how to help her. I've had lesbian friends, I went to school with lesbians, and you know, I wasn't something that I was uh unfamiliar with, but I thought, gosh, how am I going to coach someone that does live a different lifestyle? And how am I going to help them and not impose my values on them? And I'll never forget she taught me she had a love for the Lord. And maybe we had differences within our beliefs and how we played them out. But what I found within her and I's time together is she was a human being that was hurting. And I had to take those opportunities. If I felt kind of a I don't agree with that. And I had to stop myself within session and say, it doesn't matter. You are here for her. You listen, you love, you bring healing, you teach, you know, what are some techniques I can help her to move through this and pass this? And it was one of the most pivotal relationships I have ever had within the coaching sphere because she taught me so much. And in fact, our spirituality came into our sessions more and more and more. And she taught me, she taught me that there can be an integration of my Christian values in someone that's different, that there can be an integration. It does not mean that I am surrendering my belief system. It doesn't. It means that I meet people where they're at with the trust that they're giving me and to love them and help them find healing. Um, there's another woman, and I've shared this story before, and she came to me a couple years ago and she was looking for coaching. And wonderful. I mean, highly intelligent, looking to climb the corporate ladder. She she was a ball of fire and she just needed someone to just kind of chat things out, figure things out. Well, she's a Hispanic woman, and she asked me such a pivotal question that's literally stuck with me all these years. And she said to me, How are you going to work with me? Uh, I'd work with you like I have with everybody else. She was no, as a Hispanic woman, how will you work with me? And I'm telling you, I choked, I screwed it up, I did the oh, I'm colorblind. I would never treat you differently. I treat you like I treat everybody else. And that was wrong. And she provided me, and she didn't hire me, she didn't hire me, but she provided me the opportunity to reflect in me using this, what I thought was a very um welcoming statement. I wouldn't treat you any differently, you know, in and to see that this was something that I was using as colorblindness. I was denying what she was asking of me. And I think so many times individuals, um, you know, we see people right now denying people that they're even human beings because they're Democrat, because they're Republican, because they're uh straight, they're they're gay, they're black, they're white. There are so many differences right now. And we choose to cut people off and oh, I would never do that, or cut people off and say, I'll never speak to you because of how you identify what your your titles are. And I think too, like I shared earlier, I feel under assault as a Christian, especially as I'm I'm training to be a counselor and I have this kind of dissonance that I see that I feel like I'm supposed to adhere to these codes of ethics, but how in the world do I adhere to a code of ethics where I feel like I'm being told I'm wrong? But everybody else can feel this way. So it's something that I have been in the midst of, and it's very interesting because I'm doing these different projects and papers, and it is just really twisting me in knots. How do I maintain my belief system in Jesus Christ while also loving individuals that are totally different from me? How do I do that? So today uh we had a discussion post for school. It's asynchronous, so we have to like do videos and then we post them, and that's how we have dialogue with our cohort. And she had a very thoughtful video that she posted, and it really got me thinking of as a counselor and as a coach now, how have I worked through um these differences? But then it got me thinking about gosh, I have those differences right now, not with clients, but like in life. How many of you have gone through your Facebook page and totally cutting people off? Like, I didn't nope, nope, nope. I went through that. I think part of it, I unfriended people was they weren't really friends. I knew them maybe five years ago. I might have known them 20 years ago, but I haven't talked to them. So I was like, eh, you know, it was part of my um healing from what social media did to me. But I also really have worked in the last couple of weeks to see beyond some of the posts that were really painful, the posts that assaulted my faith and remember the individual. There is a woman I have known forever. Um, and we went to school together, and we couldn't be any more different when it comes to our politics, when it comes to faith. I mean, we couldn't be any more different. And she says things that I see on my social media feed and they hurt, or she um sponsors things, or she promotes things that are counter to my beliefs. But I can tell you there has been such a tension that I feel because I really love her. Years ago, years ago, I can't even remember how long ago, I don't know how she knew, but I was going through a very difficult time. And she messaged me and said, I need your address. And I'm like, Okay. So I gave it to her. It just seemed odd, and you know what she did? She took the time to create this beautiful jewelry for me, a pendant. And it was one of the most thoughtful things anyone has done for me. I didn't deserve it, she just wanted to love me, and it has stayed with me for so long, and so every time I see something that hurts me that she's posted, or something that I am just so against, I remember that human being that loved me enough to ship me a piece of jewelry clear across the United States that she made. And so there's tension for all of us, and I think that's why I wanted to jump on is that we all face this tension, especially in the emotionally, politically just oh charged environment that we are around right now. And it's exhausting, isn't it? I mean, I know if you're like me, your heart is sinking every single day. For me as a Christian, I'm like, Jesus, come back. Like, this is just so hard. But then on the flip side, I say that, Jesus, come back. And I'm like, wait, not yet. There's so many I want to that they should know you, that they should love you. But we all have this tension, and I'm going to continue to face that tension as a therapist. And so it's been really wonderful to one, be at a Christian university so I can openly talk about my faith, but they are so committed to the ACA code of ethics that are like, listen, we have to work on this. We have to be able to be Christians, have a Christian worldview while also adhering to the code of ethics. So today, again, we were talking about how do we do this? And so that led me to some research. I'm like, there has to be something that's gonna make sense. And so I ran across a couple things, and I'm gonna do a lot of reading. So if you're watching online, I apologize when I'm not looking at the camera, but if you're listening, I'll be reading some of these things and I'll make sure to provide some of the references because it is fascinating. It is fascinating. Just keep with me, okay? It's I think gonna give you something to think about. So as I'm thinking about how do we deal with value conflicts, whether it's with you at the office, with your in-laws, or with you, you know, your kids, whatever it is, people on social media, how do we deal with value conflicts without feeding this just divisiveness and ugliness? How do we do that? So there was a great article that I ran across, and this woman was talking about within the psychodynamic theory. So, Carl Jung, um, he was one of the founding fathers, okay, of uh psychotherapy. So, what they were talking about, what Carl Jung was talking about is that when we are faced with uh a value conflict, when we're faced with that, that what we should do is that we should adopt a both and so both B O T H and and perspective rather than an either or perspective. Okay. So what that means is that we are going to um adhere to our ethical guidelines, you know, whatever that is, you're at the office and you are managing individuals that you absolutely don't believe uh to be, you know, people that you think they're lazy or whatever it is. So it's it's it's putting the both and you're saying I'm gonna adhere to ethical guidelines set before me for by the law, by my boss, whatever it is, and my personal beliefs and values. So it's saying that the the individual doesn't choose to surrender to either reality. It's not about surrendering, it's not about that lie either or, you know, and this just anger that we see so many places, but it's really about our obligations to both. That we are not denying either reality, but that we sit within that reality and it results in a tension, that we feel a tension amongst ourselves. And don't we feel that? But I think so many times we don't want to maintain that tension because tension doesn't feel good, right? But if you can maintain that tension, if you can maintain that tension and saying, I am not surrendering my reality, however, I am allowing myself to view someone else's reality. And what that does is it transcends those realities. What it does is it transcends those differences, and so you're not denying either of them, you're not denying either of them, but what you're actually doing is that you are being courageous, both morally, right? Morally and ethically. You're treating a human being as a human being, and I just loved it. And in and what they say, they go on further to say is that subsequently from this tension and allowing yourself to be in that tension, you may find a resolution. But the resolution might just be, gosh, I really love her. And she sent me that piece of jewelry. So that's where that resolution can come. So further on, it talks about um some other individuals and how they kind of how do we overcome these value conflicts that you and I are both facing, whether it's professionally or personally. One was called moral reasoning. And if you know anything about lifespan, all of that, this is comes from um psychologist Kohlberg, uh Hoffman, and they talk about um how we develop our moral reasoning as children, like where that happens, attachment, it's just a whole thing. And what they talk about with this moral reasoning is that if you can, the moral reasoning, what it does is it provides a resolution to that conflict, to that tension, or what we call dissonance. And you do it through something called empathic morality. Empathic morality. You again are not denying your realities, but you're choosing to have empathy for the individual next to you. You're choosing that. So you choose, you choose this empathetic morality. You do not step into your reality. Remember, you're not surrendering your surrendering your values and your beliefs, but you're choosing to say, okay, I'm gonna step into this this tension that I'm feeling where I feel like there's a total difference in between us, and I'm gonna choose empathy towards this individual. And I just, I just was like, okay, yes, this is how we do it. It's not either or, it's and and both. And now I do want to say this caveat. I do want to say this caveat. I think too many times, and again, this is my Christian beliefs, we become too soft. We become that there's no morality, that there's no right and wrong. And I am not condoning this wishy-washy um morality. I'm not. I believe there is a right and wrong. And then I'd have people argue with me and say, well, how do you know your right is right and my right is wrong? Right. So I understand that there's a lot to that. Obviously, my morality is charged by Jesus Christ. Somebody else's might be different, but I don't believe in this. Everybody can do whatever, this crazy dystopian thing that we're seeing right now. I don't understand it. Um, and it scares me for my children, it scares me for my clients. But again, just to put that caveat out there, I do have very strong beliefs. Um, and this again is not us surrendering our reality, but it's choosing to have empathy towards individuals that are in our life. Um, the last technique that I heard, the last technique I heard, it's called uh systematic desensitization. I almost messed it up. That's quite the word. So basically, what that is, is if you're familiar with PMRT, that's progressive muscle relaxation um technique. So, what it does, PMRT is a process of clenching your muscles very tightly, one muscle group, one limb appendage down, um, and you you clench and you release, you clench and you release. And what you do by doing that, what they're finding through research, it's fascinating, is that when you force yourself, like when you clench really hard and then you relax, you're reteaching your brain. You're reteaching your brain that you do have access to releasing tension. So many times PMNRT is used for anxiety. And so um, what they're saying is it's kind of the same process that we do the systematic desensitization. Just like we do with PMRT. Okay, I'm going to desensitize my system from anxiety by teaching my brain that although I feel this tension with anxiety, I can release from that tension. And they're saying that it's the same thing. We work toward this release of tension through empathy. So we think about it. We learn how to relax when we're faced with differences. And you know, it's funny as I was thinking about this today. We are so quick to anger and to speech, aren't we? Well, that goes to a scripture where it talks about that we should be so slow to speak, so slow to speak, quick to listen, in even slower to anger. And that's essentially what all these psychologists are saying. Choose empathy. Choose empathy. There are always going to be value conflicts because frankly, you and I are always going to be different. In fact, it was funny, my my pastor this weekend, he's hilarious. Um, and he was kind of trying to bring some humor into church. We were talking about some of this stuff. And he said, Listen, y'all, I know there's fights amongst the church, but if you people don't like bacon, I just don't even know. And he said, and if you people leave chicken on the chicken wing, I it's too much of a difference, right? Because we're all faced with conflicts, we're faced with value conflicts within the church, outside of the church, in politics, in I mean, uh health, in environmental issues. I mean, there's always going to be value conflicts. But what I learned through this research, and okay, what are some techniques that I can apply to my personal life, but also my professional life? And hopefully you can apply these as well, is that gosh, you know, this really is so rooted, so rooted. And listen, if you're not a Christian, okay, you can turn your ears off now. You probably want to, but it is so rooted in Christ, in the teachings that we get get from our scripture. So I want to talk to you about how you stand in the tension. How do you maintain that? So there's this amazing, extraordinary story about Jesus. Um, and when he speaks to a Samaritan woman. So to give you a little bit of context, you know, number one, when Jesus was walking this earth, which he isn't a historical figure, he is real, y'all. He's he's real. Um contextually, you didn't speak to women, did not speak to women, and you did not speak to Samaritan women. So this was there was definitely an ethnic war, if you would say, going on. And what I love about what Jesus did, he was always saying, no, no, no, no, no. Everybody is welcome. Everybody is welcome. But there's this wonderful story about um Jesus and him having this conversation with a Samaritan woman. So he goes on a walk and he ends up at a well. Okay. And you can find this in um John um four. So Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, that's the fourth gospel. Um, so if you're unfamiliar with the Bible, you can Google this um and just do John chapter four or Jesus and Samaritan woman. Okay, and that'll come up for you. So uh basically um he's walking, he ends up at um a well, Jacob's well. Um Jacob is um also a biblical figure um historically, he's there, and um Jacob is very well known, and so is his lineage, okay. His lineage actually led to Christ. Okay, so that lineage there. And so um Jacob, uh, when he was at that point, he dug this well. So anyway, he ended up at this well, it's Jacob's well, and um there's a Samaritan woman who was there, and Jesus was hot and tired, and she was hot and tired, and he said to her, you know, well, will you give me a drink? First of all, y'all, contextually, he shouldn't be talking to her, right? And there's this kind of ethnic dissonance, this ethnic tension going on at the time. You also don't talk to a Samaritan. And um, the Samaritan woman, I'm sure she was like, What is going on? Um, I put myself self into like today and be like, get your own water, you know. So, but the woman said to Jesus, um, you know, well, but you're a Jew and I'm a Samaritan, how in the world are you asking me for a drink? Meaning, how are you even speaking to me? And Jesus replied with, you know, if if you knew what a gift I'm offering um by asking you to give me a drink or a drink I could offer you, um, you'd be pretty shocked, pretty shocked. And she was like, um, no, this man is talking crazy. And she said, you know, um, this is Jacob's well, and um, you know, he's the father of all of us. This is, you know, this is a place, and I don't even have anything to get this water. And he said, Well, I can give you eternal water and you'll never be thirsty. And um, he called her out on her sin right then and there, her multiple husbands running around. I mean, and she was shocked. So you have to go read the story. That is a very terrible synopsis of the story. But what I want to point out to you is that Jesus is the perfect example of standing in the tension, standing in the tension. And what is also awesome about this story is this woman saying, Well, this is Jacob's well. He's the father of all of us, you know, this is this lineage. And Jesus is like, Yeah, I'm part of that too. So he did not surrender to her her, his power of Jesus being Jesus Christ. In fact, he called her out on her sin and said, Hey, follow me, and that's you're forgiven. Um, but what was wonderful is he didn't surrender his reality, he stood in that tension, but he also met her and said, But we are the same, we both can drink from this well. He had this extraordinary empathy for people, and you see that time and time and time again in um the scriptures of Jesus. You do, and so as I consider value conflicts and how I'll face those as a therapist, how I'll face those in my personal life, how I'm facing those right now. I think about how Christ met the Samaritan woman at the mount, the the well. Contextually, historically, you are not speaking to women, it's not happening. You're also not speaking to a Samaritan. There's this ethnic tension going on. It's very much like what we see now. I mean, there's tensions everywhere we look, isn't there? And what he did is he didn't surrender who he was, he didn't surrender that he believes he is the one and only way. But he did show her love, he showed her pure love, saying, Listen, you and I can drink from this well because we come from the same family, we're human, we're human, but I can give you something better. Now, I'm not saying I'm Jesus, not even close, cannot fill those shoes or sandals. But what I can say is what I would really urge all of you to consider is what gift can you give someone? It might just be a ladle of water, it might be a listening ear, it might be getting off that keyboard and not being mean and awful and ugly to people on the internet. It might be listening, hearing someone out, giving them the benefit of the doubt. You are not giving up your reality. You're not, but what you are is you're stepping into the tension and saying, I'm choosing to see this human being as a human being. You can give them a little bit of water, you know, it's a it's our it's gonna be kind of my visual for a while. I can I can give people some water, they belong at that well too. And so I challenge you today. If you don't want to listen to the Christian perspective, I get it. Fine, I think you should. I challenge you to read John chapter four. Challenge you. If you have questions, let's talk about it. But if you don't want to consider that, then let's consider the value conflicts that you are facing right now in the office, at home, in your community, in your schools, everywhere. It is everywhere right now. It is, and it is feeling if you're like me, it is feeling like it is closing in on me. But I got such sweet relief today because I had to do a homework assignment. So consider what Carl Jung says that it's a both and reality, right? It's not an either or. So it's not for everybody. But the whole premise about PMRT is that we are rewiring the brain, especially if you're an anxious individual, we're rewiring the brain that when you feel that tension and we we force ourselves to tense our muscles, and then we release them. We're telling our brain we can release the tension. And so it's the same thing. We systematically, systematically desensitize ourselves to this, oh, this tension, I'm gonna erupt, I'm gonna go off at people. You what you're doing is you're systematically teaching yourself, I can release this tension, I can release this tension and learn to relax when there's differences through the application of empathy, of empathy. So that is everything that is just going on my mind today. I've really enjoyed our time. I hope that this gave you something to chew on. I hope that you apply this in those conflicts that you're facing right now. Um, gosh, I tell you, it is rampant in my personal life. It's just so funny. I there's so many situations that I'm currently in personally where I have value conflict. And, you know, that that human, sinful side might is constantly like, oh, I want to say something and holding my mouth closed. And this homework assignment and discussing it and doing research, and again, seeing this integration of my faith and psychology can come together, but it's really a wonderful example of value conflicts. How to how do we manage them? How do we manage them? What can we do? And it's through empathy or what I would say, love. And who else is better at love than Christ? So uh I hope you've enjoyed today. If there's anything that's really kind of jogged your memory, your mind, or you're just like, I totally disagree with you, Piper, let's have a conversation. I want to have that conversation because again, this is stepping into the tension because I can't become a better person. I can't become a better therapist if I don't have those tense, you know, conversations. Um, because I know I can learn from you. And like I shared about the woman that I've known forever, I think junior high. Um I felt this tension because I just there's some things that she posts, and I'm just like, oh, you know, and but it's so funny as I start thinking, number one, about Christ and the Samaritan woman, and number two, what I've been called to is that, gosh, I I choose to look at her with love. I choose to look at her and say, gosh, that woman knew I needed something when I didn't even need it. I didn't know I needed it, and what a blessing she was to me. Um, so you know, I hope you can apply some of this to your life. Thanks so much for joining me today. It's been wonderful, and I will talk with you next time. Thank you for joining me today on the Piper Harris Podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, please be sure to share it on your social media, share it with your friends and your family. And if you have some more questions after listening to today's episode, head on over to piperharris.net and you can schedule a time for you and I to continue a conversation where I hope to explain to you how you can find your poema, harness it, and find healing and vitality in your life. Thanks again. I appreciate you, and you'll hear from me soon in future episodes.