Hello, and welcome to the Piper Harris Coaching Podcast, where I share how you can rebuild your ruins, find growth, freedom, and fulfillment in your life. Through my podcast, we dive into topics surrounding women, couples, positive psychology, Christianity, shifting your mindset, and how to overcome behaviors and thoughts that are holding you hostage in your life. My name is Piper Harris, and I use my over 20 years of experience as a mental health counselor, coach, business owner, wife, and mother to dig into deep and complex issues that you're facing and empower you to overcome and harness the courage to chase after your best life. Thanks for joining us today and welcome to the Piper Harris Coaching Podcast. You know, the cinnamon ones, and I put them all over my house. My husband's already complaining that it's too strong, but it smells like the holidays, and um, it just feels good. It feels good. Um the holidays can be very stressful and they can be very painful for a lot of us, but it's the little things that we can do for ourselves, like buying those silly little brooms that are on discount right now and put them in our home. And just the smell, the aroma can really um bolster your heart. So maybe if you're wondering, hey, how do I get out of this pit I'm feeling, or you're dreading the holidays? Consider those things, the small things, lighting a candle, uh, taking time to reflect on the things that you do have. And um, that brings me to today's discussion in reflecting on the holidays coming and just some recent events in my own life. It really had me thinking about what I'm grateful for. And um, you know, self-reflection and evaluation is so, so very important, but at times it can be really difficult. And so today you can see the title of our talk today is Faith over Fear or Faith with Fear. So a lot of us have heard that saying, faith over fear. And for myself, it's attributed to my belief system, my Christian belief, so faith over fear. That um uh oh, I think believe it's 365 times in the Bible, it's um the Lord tells us, do not fear once a day, 365 times in the Bible, do not fear. But gosh, that is easier said than done. It's easier said than done. So in the past couple of weeks, I've been in this tumultuous time in my life where my husband and I are worried for our sons in the public school system. There are some things that we weren't really crazy about, and we thought, okay, well, what can we do? We'd love to put them in private school, but you know, we can't do that. It's a little expensive. We don't have it there, and I'm still in graduate school, so I'm not working full time, and so it was this just very kind of struggling time for he and I, and we decided ultimately to sell our home. So the last two weeks, we have just been going crazy, painting every door frame, every surface, cleaning carpets, packing, having our boys pack up their rooms, you know, so packing pictures. I mean, it just was just wild. And then in the process, trying to find a home. Now, uh, whoever watches this, it's November of 2021. So the housing market is insane. It is so weird. My husband and I have lived all over the United States. So we've bought homes before, but we have never been through such an insane market. So we started looking at homes, and let me tell you, it was insane the homes that we saw and how overpriced they were, as um, like in comparison to when we bought homes six years ago. And we put offer after offer after offer on these homes and they were snatched up, snatched up like hours later. It was because people were saying, Hey, we're we don't we're not worried about the inspection, just take off the inspection. We don't care about the appraisal. And my husband and I are still in this mindset of when we used to buy homes, like this, this is your biggest financial decision. You have to make sure the house is inspected. Cause what if it's a money pit and you know you want to make sure it appraises? I mean, all of this stuff, but the market now, people are saying, Oh, it's fine, just leave it, which to he and I was just baffling. So we just kept feeling like, okay, well, this is the only thing we can do to sell our home, downsize, take that money that we would make, hopefully, and put it towards private school. And I'm telling you, it just became more and more discouraging. It just was one thing after another. And we just thought, okay, we we think we're doing the right thing. So ultimately we found a house and um, you know, really prayed about it. Seemed like a great house. Um, and you know, older home. So we knew we'd have to put a lot of sweat equity in it, but we thought, okay, we can do this, we can we can make this work for our family. And so we were all set. We were all set. The house, our house is going to be put on the market. We got the pictures taken, we got everything done, and then we headed to the house we wanted to buy and did the inspection because we said there's no way we're not doing an inspection. And gosh, I am so happy we did. Beautiful home. Um, but they didn't realize there was quite a few issues um with the home. It had uh the polybutylene pipes. I don't know if any of you all have heard of that, but apparently it's this plastic pipe that came out in the 90s that plumbers thought was a pretty like it was like the new up-and-coming thing. But what they found out over years is that the chlorine that they use in water systems to clean out water that we drink, it actually eroded the pipes. And so these pipes were bursting. Millions of homes all over the nation were pipe were bursting. So that company that made the pipes is now out of business. There's this huge class action lawsuit. And what we learned is that insurance companies will no longer even insure homes that have those pipes in it. So we find out this one that we wanted to buy had them. So to repipe a whole house, you're looking at $10,000, $15,000. And we're thinking we we can't do that. The whole point is to get our sons in private school. We're worried about their well-being. You know, there's just this fear of we have to do this for our sons. So, all that to be said, it wasn't just the pipes. I mean, it was one thing after another. My husband and I just sat there and just kind of looked at each other like, what the heck? What is going on? We're we have the right intentions. Like, this is not about us making money um for ourselves. This is about our sons. We're trying to protect them. I mean, it just, but we listened to the inspector just rattle these things off. And it was really disheartening. It's really disheartening. And then on the flip side, our house is going on the market. So it's like there's this fear of, well, what if we can't find somewhere to live? What about our sons? What if our house sells and then we're homeless? I mean, there was so much fear, and we really had to lean into our faith. And but my fear never went away. My fear didn't go away, even though I leaned into my relationship with the Lord even more. So as I was thinking about those recent events, reflecting on it, we may ultimately made decisions to not sell our house and obviously not buy that house, and just trust that we're gonna do the best we can for our sons. And I'm sure a lot of you are in similar situations, maybe with your children, or maybe you're taking care of an aging parent and you're in a situation where you're like, how can I afford this? How can I take care of them? I mean, there's so many situations, but I also think that a lot of us are faced with even graver situations where we have so much fear, so much fear. So um, you know, I don't know why that's playing. Sorry, guys. Um and so I was reflecting on that and just trying to kind of take it all in, thinking about okay, faith over fear, but my fear was never gone, but my faith did not diminish. So this morning, I just I'm kind of licking my wounds. We've made some decisions in the last couple of days. I'm absolutely, utterly exhausted. I'm emotional. I went to bed last night crying. My son came in and I cried and cried and cried and said, we just can't do the private school. And you know, he's this kid, and my boys are so amazing. He's like, Mom, you got to pray about this. It was just incredible. It was incredible. So this morning I got up and did my Bible study, and I'm finishing this Bible study, it's called Better by Jen Wilken, and um doing this with church, and it was, of course, like many things, um quite timely, quite timely. So we're studying chapter 11 in Hebrews, and if you're not familiar with um chapter 11 in Hebrews, this is in the New Testament. Hebrews 11, chapter 11 is really known as the Faith Hall of Fame. So it talks about different characters in scripture, in Old Testament, New Testament, all of that, mostly Old Testament, and why they were so faithful. And so Jen Wilken in this study had us start really going through some of these characters that are talked about in chapter 11 and to read about their situations and why were they mentioned in chapter 11? Is it because they were like these spiritual greats and they never had fear and they just like miraculously to could, you know, walk through water or divide water, you know, all of those stories. And as I dug into the old testament and these stories of these individuals, I just thought, wow, okay, they had fear too. It wasn't faith over fear, it was fear with faith. And then that just it got me started thinking about my clients. And I do a lot of reflecting this time of year. I I like to go back the past year and think about my clients and what I've learned from them, what they've taught me. I really take a lot of time between November and December to really kind of dig into my growth where I need continued growth and how I can honor my clients more, um, where I screwed up really bad, because all of those things I'm not going to get better for my clients. But so I started that reflection process this morning thinking about my clients and thinking about this whole premise of faith over fear. And I'm thinking it's not faith over fear because I still have my fear. I'm not superhuman. They still had fear. It's faith with fear. So I kind of started dialoguing with myself about different clients. I had one client over the past year that she struggled with hyporegulation. So there's fight, flight, or freeze. She was a freezer. And so what that meant was that when she felt the anxiety or the fear, she would just shut down and freeze. And so it's called hypo. So it's hypo-regulation. So we had to work to face the anxieties that she had um and try to bring her back into a regular state, not this hypo, this freeze, this freeze mind state mindset. And so she really had to have faith with the fear because we had to do a lot of different things for her to help her um be present. It's something called disassociation. So she would just kind of freeze, but she would just not be present. So bringing someone into the present, um, for me, it's it's you don't want to hurt someone, and it's it's hard to bring somebody into that present moment. So we did things like behavior activation. And you guys have heard me talk about behavior activation, but it's these small steps that she and I worked on together to activate her, to get her to move, just simply for her body and her brain to click in and say, okay, freezing, I don't have to do that all the time. I'm I'm activating a behavior like getting out of bed and making my bed rather than laying in bed for 14 hours. I'm gonna try 12 hours or I'm gonna try 10 hours. But the moment I get out of bed, it's not just go get something to eat, I'm gonna make my bed. So it was these small things that we call behavior activation. And, you know, for her, it was it was difficult for her, but I don't know that there was a lot of fear with it, but she had faith in the process. The fear came when we tried exposure therapy, and um, I got some supervision on it because I recognized that this was something that we had to do with her. And I just had this gut feeling that if we could expose her to her fear and she could learn that it's not gonna hurt her, then I would see a change in those behaviors and a greater um, she would be more present, she wouldn't disassociate and she could activate and do those things that she couldn't feel like she didn't understand why she couldn't do normal things like picking up the house or making the bed. And I knew by um exposing her to that fear that this would, I had hoped I was like 99% sure would activate her and help her to regulate correctly, and that's when the fear was. And um, I have to be honest, there was immense fear with myself too. But what I watched with this client was she had fear and faith. She and I had built a relationship over a year, and so she had faith that I had the best intentions, she knew what was coming, um, but she had faith that there was something else because we tried so many different techniques over the year, and the behavior activation was kind of working, but not where we'd wanted it. And many times, even in the middle of session, I'd see her just kind of disassociate and I'd have to bring her back to present. Say, hey, could you stand up? Could you like feel the floor on your feet? Could you, you know, just to try to bring her present? And so when we discussed exposing herself to some things, um, boy, that's when I saw this fear, but was so incredible seeing her, and was just gave me greater faith in my gut, which I call the Holy Spirit. Um, is she stepped into that fear? She had faith and fear at the same time. It wasn't faith over fear, it was this thing where they were right here, neck and neck. And what she learned and what ultimately happened with this exposure therapy, she overcame. And I can tell you it scared her, it scared me. But we saw a whole new person develop afterward, and it was exactly what she needed. So she harnessed that fear, she held on to that fear, but she also had this faith that came along with it that there has to be something better. I had another client um this year, and she had some attachment issues, and we had worked um together with her spouse and had found that some of the problems with attachment, I've talked about that in previous podcasts, where you can have an anxious attachment or an avoidant attachment, and there are a couple others, but I usually focus on anxious or avoidant, and how that translated into her relationships with her spouse. And it was hard for her. It's not easy to muck out kind of the attachment stuff because that's really our attachment figure. So parents, aunts, uncles, whoever raise us at those really integral um years of our lives from birth to about five or six. And for her to have to dig into that and to really reflect on who she was, those same behaviors then, how it had translated into her relationship with her spouse, you know, it was very hard for her. And in the beginning, I saw her fight against it. The fear was 100% in control. And she fought against it. She argued, she fought. I mean, it was it was pretty intense. And then something changed. And it was nothing I did, it was some work that she was doing in herself because many times we just allow quiet space within sessions for someone to think. And she had come to this recognition of kind of where the attachment came from, these attachment issues that had followed her into her life and how it had developed in her mother and her mother's mother. And when she started seeing that it was this legacy that was funneling through her family, it all changed. So her fear that was keeping her from running and really digging into these things all of a sudden bonded with her faith that okay, I I there's something better, and I'm seeing it, and I want better for my son and his family and his family's family. And so it was this relationship of fear and faith. And it was extraordinary to watch her go through that process, and it it's such a blessing being in the position that I am that people allow me, number one, to see those and and take part in it. But it's it's really incredible when you see people harness the fear and put that faith in it. Um, they might not be believers in Christ like I am, but there's something that says there's better. Um, another um client of mine this past year that I was reflecting on had um severe anxiety. I would um I actually had her assessed, and it made me nervous because um she was beyond the scope of what I felt like I could do as a coach because I'm not a licensed therapist. And I had explained that to her that, you know, I appreciate you wanting to work with me, but I do need to tell you that you're really high in anxiety, and I I don't have the skills yet, and I don't want to hurt you. And here are some names of some therapists that you can go to. And she said no, she goes, No, I feel like I'm supposed to be with you, and I'm like, Okay, you know, and um, so we did work together. So my fear was going because I I never want to hurt someone, and I just you know wanted her to be aware of what was going on, so she had crippling anxiety, crippling anxiety, and so we use something called the compassion focus, and so with the compassion focus, it's kind of this um I can see it in my head, it's this um system that we walk through, and really what it is is it's again digging into the past. We don't sit in the past, but there are so many things in our past that make sense to why we are now, and so with a compassion-focused um development, how we work through these different stages is recognizing um our current behaviors, and we kind of backtrack, like we work backwards. And so I asked her to do this with me, and it was very hard for her. Her fear was at an all-time high. It made me anxious because she was anxious, because I was asking her to really dive into some things. And I'm telling you, there were times where she shut down. She's like, I'm done, I'm not talking to you. There were times where I was like, Oh my gosh, she's not going to come back to session ever again. And she did though, she kept coming back over and over and over again. And um, we worked through this process and gave compassion to the painful events in her life. And we all create these um these um saving mechanisms. I'm forgetting all the words right now, um, but they save us when we're a child. So we create these these mechanisms that protect us while we're a child. But what happens is if we don't realize that we're using them or that they're following us in our life, we start doing that with everything in our life. And so what happens then is there's unintended consequences by doing this. And um, so she and I had to walk into this. And there were a couple of times where it was nope, she's done. In fact, there was a space of time, about six weeks, I didn't hear from her. Um, and I prayed over it and just, you know, wanted healing for her and knew that this process would help her, but it had to be about her. I couldn't force anything on anyone, and she came back. And again, with all my other clients, they did not have a lack of fear. In fact, they had such great, overwhelming fear with what I was asking them. But there was this hope of something better, and so they they looked that fear in the face and they grasped hands with faith and they moved through. So it isn't faith over fear, I think, many times. It's faith with fear. They can be these strange bedfellows. And I don't think that they always have to be at odds. In fact, I would say many times fear makes us do some silly things, or fear, you think about fear, you hear those stories of mommies lifting cars off of babies. You know, it it gives us a shot of adrenaline. So my clients they harness that fear response that typically made them hyporegulate, freeze, run away, ignore, avoid. Um, and they they looked it straight in the face and they had faith that there's something, there's something better. And we walked through all of these things together. So again, this morning I'm reflecting and um reading the scripture in Hebrews 11. And one of the questions um in my study um and asked about um the characters that were that were talked about in um Hebrews 11. There's Moses, there's um let's see, Rahab, there's Barak, there's Samson, Jepheth, David, Samuel, I mean, all these greats like Abraham and Isaac, and I mean Jacob, and I mean, there's so many greats that are are talked about in Hebrews 11. And every time I've read this chapter, I put these people on a pedestal, and I'm like, well, they they were supernatural or something. But as I was sitting there reflecting, it says to me, Well, what is um what is one of the faithful people that was mentioned that stands out to you and lists every fear you think that they would have? Well, one of the individuals that they talk about is Rahab, and that's in chapter 11, verse 31. So by faith, everything starts with by faith, which I'll share that with you too. I have that on me. Um, she welcomed spies into her home that were um in a war. Okay, there's this war going on. So, okay, yeah, it's scary to let somebody in your home, you're you're hoping they won't hurt you, think you're doing the right thing. But here's the kicker Rahab was a prostitute. So consider contextually when this took place. Um, you know, even prostitutes now, how do we think of prostitutes now? Well, Rahab, number one, contextually speaking, women were less than in this day and age. Um, and she was a prostitute on top of it. So she's not married, she's sleeping with men, she's taking money. I mean, she's got she's got some baggage, if you want to call it that. So I read more about Rahab, and you can find this in Joshua 6, chapter 6. Um, and it starts at about verse 22, where it talks about how she brought these spies into her home. So I started thinking about what were some of the things that she was so afraid of. And number one, her entire family lived with her. So Rahab, I'm assuming, you know, she was probably doing pretty well as a prostitute. And because of that, she used that money to care for her family. And again, contextually, a lot of families, there's big families within a home, but she had her father, her mother, and her brothers and sisters, and it says, and others living in her home. So I believe one of her fears would be uh, I have all these people that are depending on me, and I'm allowing these spies into my home because there's just going to be this awful raging war. How am I gonna protect them? How do I know I'm doing the right thing? You know, and she another fear is she's already an outsider. She's already an outsider because she sells her body. And could she even trust that these spies, number one, they wouldn't take advantage of her and rape her? Why not? She's already giving her body to everybody else. What does it matter to them? Right? Or, you know, that she could just even trust that they would keep their word. Maybe they would just use her like she was so used to being used and hiding her home and then just slaughter her and her family, you know, and why would after she hid them and after the spies, you know, left her home, why would they not come back with Joshua and what this is all about and and not kill them? They killed everybody else during this war. So how how did she know that she was safe? And how could her? This was the question I wrote down. How could her making this choice even make a difference in her life? I mean, I don't know. Maybe she was happy being a prostitute, but I tend to think that prostitution is an outside reflection of the pain from the inside. You allow your body to be used and abused because there's a deeper pain inside. So I think deep down in her heart, in her mind, she's thinking on one hand, gosh, how is this ever going to make a difference for me? But there was something else there. And she, I just gotta believe, she said, but what if there's better? What if there's better? She had so much fear, so much fear. So her family was riding on it, fear of how people already hated her and used her. But there was that faith. There was that faith that said, but what if there's something better if I choose to do this? And ultimately we learn her fear and her faith married together and she was spared, and she is spoken of in scripture. A woman that sold her body that was an outsider, that was dirty, that was sinful, that people hated, but she is in our scripture, she is someone that married fear and faith together for something better. So I'm reading these things and I'm thinking about, gosh, okay, if she can do that, if all my clients can do that, what about me? What about me? And one of the questions in the study was what are some specific fears that you are facing right now? Right now, and how does hearing about my clients and hearing about Rahab? How does that encourage you to respond? Are you going to settle into the fear? Are you gonna freeze? Are you gonna run? Are you gonna overly control? Or are you going to grasp a hold of some fear or some faith, excuse me, that allows that fear not to cripple you, but allows that fear to push you forward into something that you're like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm doing this? Because that faith tells you there's something better. I don't know. So, what specific fear are you facing? How can hearing about my clients over this past year overcoming pain and difficulties, as well as Rahab the prostitute being spared and being mentioned as one of the greats in our scripture, how can that help to encourage you? What those in Hebrews knew and what my clients felt is that true strength is um found in pain and fear because it's harnessed with pay faith and perseverance that there is better, that there can be healing. So today, my conversation with you is it's not faith over fear all the time. In fact, gosh, I don't know how to do that. I know God tells me do not be afraid. I don't know how to turn it off. So maybe it's not just do not be afraid. And the other part is do not be afraid because I've got you. So it's not this thing that we turn off, it's that faith, it's that small voice that says to us, there can be better, we can be better, I can heal, I can learn, my marriage can be better, I can I can have a more fulfilled life. You know, I don't know. I needed this today. I needed this today to hear that I am facing fear. I needed the time to reflect on my amazing clients and and what they've overcome in 2021 on the heels of 2020, which all we all know 2020 was terrible. But I needed that time to reflect. And I wonder if you need that time to spend it and reflect. I know you are faced with fear. I know we're going into the holidays and it's painful. I know it is. I know you have things I am not aware of, hurts that you don't think you could possibly overcome. I know you've done things in your life that there's no way anyone would ever give you a chance. Maybe like Rahab. But I want to tell you if you can just see that fear and understand, fear never comes alone, it comes with faith. It's gonna be more quiet, and you're gonna have to choose the faith, to choose to lean into the faith and allow it to quiet the fear a bit. Use the faith to partner with your fear to move you one step forward, one foot at a time. Fear can destroy you, or it can serve to move you forward faithfully and bravely towards something new and something better. So today, I am still afraid and emotional, but there is something else there, and it is my faith, my faith in the Lord, and that faith that propels me forward, that says something better's coming, something better's coming. I believe it for myself, and I absolutely believe it for you. I pray that you can believe it for yourself, and that as we go into the holidays and we start thinking about the new year, that you embrace fear and faith and you move forward in hearing healing and perseverance and courage, and that you can see a better you, a better place. So that's it for me today. I've enjoyed our time together so very much. Praying for you all, keep safe, be healthy, and we'll talk to you next time. Thank you for joining me today on the Piper Harris Podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, please be sure to share it on your social media, share it with your friends and your family. And if you have some more questions after listening to today's episode, head on over to piperharris.net and you can schedule a time for you and I to continue a conversation where I hope to explain to you how you can find your poema, harness it, and find healing and vitality in your life. Thanks again. I appreciate you, and you'll hear from me soon in future episodes.