Hello, and welcome to the Piper Harris Coaching Podcast, where I share how you can rebuild your ruins, find growth, freedom, and fulfillment in your life. Through my podcast, we dive into topics surrounding women, couples, positive psychology, Christianity, shifting your mindset, and how to overcome behaviors and thoughts that are holding you hostage in your life. My name is Piper Harris, and I use my over 20 years of experience as a mental health counselor, coach, business owner, wife, and mother to dig into deep and complex issues that you're facing and empower you to overcome and harness the courage to chase after your best life. Thanks for joining us today, and welcome to the Piper Harris Coaching Podcast. Hello everyone and welcome. Today is November 15th. It's hard to believe that the holidays are almost here and almost the end of the year. It's just pretty wild. My husband and I were reflecting the other day that once Halloween hits, that's it. You blink, and the end of the year is here. So I hope that this is finding you doing well, staying healthy. And let's get into this week. So or today's topic. So learning to expand, learning to expand. Interesting title, isn't it? So uh the other day I had a very interesting conversation with an adolescent girl, teenager. Um oh gosh, I can remember being a teenage girl. And um, such a sweet girl. And I just recognized something on her. There was something amiss. And I asked her what was going on. And she said that this time of year was especially difficult for her. Um, she has a trauma history. And I just asked her, I said, okay, you know, if you want to share, you know, whatever's going on, I'm here for you. And she goes, Well, I don't let myself cry. And I just thought to myself, okay. And I said, Well, what would happen if you did allow yourself to cry? And she says, I don't know. I don't allow myself to do that. And this is what I'm talking about when I say learning to expand, because what was happening, what I was faced with was with her, was she was constricting emotion. She had a constricted affect. So there's kind of a couple of different topics that we're going to talk about today, and they're all going to come together. They're all going to come together in something about learning to expand through lament. So constricting emotion or constricted affect, it's a common response. It really is for those who have a trauma history or simply they really don't want to recount or revisit something painful. Um, keep in mind, too, in some cultures or even families, emotional constriction, restriction, that's another word, restriction, is commonplace. So a constricted um affect is about holding back emotions. Um, and it's about like not expressing emotions and feelings to others, right? Okay, so you're restricting that. So with emotion, we use facial expressions, gestures, body posture, tone, voice, um, body language, and um all those other ways to express feelings and emotions. So typically, emotions are observable by others, so some more acutely than others. So I would say that I more acutely pick up on emotion than some people because that's that's my training, and I believe that's one of the gifts that God gives me. Um, I know it drives people crazy when I say to them, Hey, what's going on? I I see something on you. Like, what's going on? And I've had friends in the past say, You need to stop doing that. I'll tell you when I want to talk. Like, oh, okay. So some are more acutely aware of seeing those emotions and those feelings on people. So affect um is this term affect. It's um what we see, what people feel. That's what this word affect is, and it's on a continuum or a range. And I know I've talked a lot about a lot of different aspects of our mental health, our emotional health, our spiritual health, all on a continuum. Because I think so many times we get in a space of black or white, don't we? Like it's only this or it's only that. But I really prefer looking at life, looking at situations on a continuum because it really helps us to identify some of our distorted thinking. It allows us to identify where people are on the other end of the continuum compared to us. It just gives us a broader, more open perspective with things. And I find that it's it's quite healing. It's quite healing. So the affect, our affect is on a continuum or a range. And so a normal range of emotions is known as broad. Okay, so that's the normal range. And again, this can be defined by our culture or our families as well. Now, when I use the word normal, keep in mind these are some of those psychological terms. So I'm not saying to anyone that's listening today, you're not normal for having these things. I'm just simply trying to give you some information so you understand some of those differences and how that broad continuum, what it looks like. So there are different types of constriction or affect, emotional affect. So, like I said, there's constricted or restricted affect. And this is concerned considered psychologically speaking, very mild if you're considering the continuum. It's a mild restriction of emotion. So this is really when somebody holds back and doesn't display emotions or at least the totality of the intensity that they're feeling. So their range isn't fully broad, but um they're just kind of holding back. So, for example, um, I have been working in clinical um sessions with my cohort. So, what that means is that we get together once a week and we do therapy on each other. It's great, it's free. Um, and I just was really tired one week and I told myself, I'm gonna share this experience because it's heavy on my heart, but I'm going to constrict my affect and my emotions because I don't want to go there. And so I worked really hard. You know, I swallowed down that cryball. You guys know that thing that gets in your throat, that welling of emotion in your throat. I kept swallowing it down. I was tensing and untensing my hands, progressive muscle relaxation. I was doing all the things to restrict my emotion. And when, you know, that is not my normal self. I'm a very emotional person. Maybe you all can tell. I use my hands a lot, I use my face a lot. So eventually I just broke down and cried because it was just really outside of my broad use of emotion. So, but that was a restriction. So that's kind of an example of what a constricted or restricted affect would be. Now there's something also called a blunted affect, which this means that um someone isn't able to express feelings verbally or non-verbally. Okay. So um this is like in reaction to um someone, or excuse me, this is in reaction to something that would elicit a common response, right? So um this might look like someone recalling a horrific tragic car wreck and just having like no affect. They lost a loved one or whatever. They just they're completely blunted. So I'm sure you've seen this depicted in movies. Um, you might see that in family members, or you might actually see it in yourself. So the blunted affect, it can be a symptom of something much deeper. It really can be. So, like um PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, um, even schizophrenia. So don't start diagnosing yourself. I'm not saying you're schizophrenic. I'm just saying that there's it's a symptom of things. It's not saying that it is something, I'm just giving you the symptoms. Um, but sometimes it actually can happen too with people that are on certain psychotropics, so it dampens their affect. Um, there are other kinds of um constricted affects. If you'll if you'd like to know those, there's three other ones. We're not gonna go into them deeply today, but there's a flat affect, a label, I don't know how to say that word, L-A-B-I-L-E, and then inappropriate affect. But again, we're not gonna dig into those today. For our time together, we're gonna be talking about constricted and blunted. So they are similar, but blunted, if you want to say, is on the severe side of the continuum, whereas restricted is on the mild side. And this is in response psychologically speaking, psychologically speaking. So, considering what I told you about this young girl that I was speaking with, she had blunted affect. So, when I talked to her, um, of course, I did what I do with most people, like tell me what's going on, trying to get into her heart. And she just it was like, nope, I'm not going there. And she told me, I don't know what's going to happen. So that is a blunted affect, and that was right in front of me. Whereas in in comparison to my own, that's a constricted affect. Um, so why am I talking about this? Well, I think that we all constrict or we blunt our affect, or we we constrict or blunt our emotions at certain points in our lives, whether it be to I just don't want to relive this right now, I might be embarrassed if I share this, or this is a trauma that I am not ready to step into, or I don't feel safe stepping into those emotions. So think about your own emotions. Think about how you share your emotions. Are you like me who freely shares emotions? You have a very broad affect or emotional well-being, or do you constrict or restrict um some of those emotions? Because you're just not ready to be there. Excuse me. Or do you blunt those emotions? And is that due to a trauma? So I want you to kind of take a self-assessment and inventory yourself and how do you feel emotions cycle through emotions? So when you consider this, um, I want you to I want you to hear about why I'm bringing this up. This is about expansion. So I'm reading this book, and it's just um a wonderful book, and it's for one of my my courses, embodying integration. And I am finding it so wonderfully beautiful. It's also extremely challenging, and really it's about embodying psychology and theology. I will not get into that. That's another day, another podcast. Um, but really, one of the chapters in the book is talking about lament. So I'm saying we need to expand, learn to expand. And I believe we should do this, and we can do this through lament. So, what is lament? Lament is this very interesting intersection between grief and hope. It's not that you have two conflicting emotions, they oscillate between one another, and that's what lament is. And you can find um lament so many times in scripture. So read through Psalms when David is being pursued by by King Saul, and he's just like, God, why the heck won't you save me? This man's trying to murder me. But then in the same same um psalm, David will then come back to the hope of, but God, I know who you are and I know you're gonna get me through this. So lament is is very rich in scripture. It's very rich in scripture. So again, it's not an either or, which I remember I talked to you before. A lot of times we have this kind of black or white thinking, I should do this, I shouldn't do this. Emotions are broad. So lament, the reason why I believe lament can help us expand our emotions, step out of blunting, step out of restriction. Lament helps us expand. But how do you do that? Right. And I, you know, I just have to tell you that I love the concept of lament, um, because what it allows, and this is why I think it's so very important for us to dig into this topic today, is lament allows us to feel the depth of our pain, our grief, and our suffering, all while holding out hope. Now, I know you guys have heard that from me, that it's, and I love this. Um, you know, Carol Dweck, she taught this with kids in schools that the term not yet, it's that growth mindset. So that hope is that growth mindset. And and it's that, okay, I'm in pain and I'm suffering, and I'm gonna cry out in this pain and some suffering. I'm just not out of it yet. I I just have not gotten to where I want to be yet. I just haven't healed yet. That yet, not yet, it it's just welling up and it's so rich with hope, with hope. But not everyone can do this, right? Not everyone can practice lament or even growth mindset. And I think the first thing that we have to acknowledge is how we attach. Because listen, lament is a spiritual practice. I will say this lament is a spiritual practice, just like prayer is, just like um going to church and being part of a community, just like serving, just like um the things that you feel um driven to to um become more like Christ. Lament is a spiritual practice, but again, if you don't understand attachment, we're gonna talk to the I talk about this a little bit, um, attachment theory, it's gonna be very difficult for you to lament in the way that I'm talking to or talking about if you don't have positive attachment figures in your life. So lament is spiritual, lament is crying out to God, shaking your fist, angry as all get out, and recognizing he's receiving that and he is working for your good. Okay. But again, we need to understand attachment. So, attachment theory, you guys have heard me talk about this quite a bit. And I'm telling you, I started integrating this into um my coaching practice last week year, and it has been, or this past year, I guess it's end of the year, it's crazy, but this past year, and it has been so pivotal, not only in how I work with individuals, but also how individuals understand some of their reactions in the relationships they have now. So attachment theories tells us that based on our attachment figure, so mom, dad, aunt, uncle, whatever it is, um, that is how we respond to future attachments or relationships. Okay. This is solidified, y'all, by kindergarten. Okay. Now, solidified, not permanent. Hear me say this it is solidified by kindergarten, but the hope is that it is not permanent. So hear me say that again. It is not permanent. Okay. So there's different types of attachment. There is secure attachment. So this is where you can um trust fairly easy. You had a parent that was probably um really high with attention, but really high with like rules. So they had expectations of behavior, but they were really high in giving you love and praise and all of those things. So you never wondered where you were safe. You you knew where you could safely attach. So you're pretty attuned with your emotions. You're gonna have a broad affect, right? Um, you can communicate pretty directly with people, and you're very interested in responding to others. Another attachment, and there's different ones. A lot of people like to break them down. I typically talk about the three secure, anxious, and avoidance. Those are the ones that I speak with with my clients. Keep it simple. So anxious, this really has a lot to do with um, you didn't know where you stood with your parent. So, a lot of times what I see with anxious attachment is I see a lot of people pleasing. I see that they have a very nervous autonomic system, right? They're usually really jazzed up. They're they're anxious, they're very anxious. They struggle to communicate their wants and needs because their attachment figure never made it clear. It was typically all about that attachment figure and feeding that attachment figure's needs. Whereas the child is like, I'm left here wondering, will mom or dad love me today or won't they love me today? Okay. So they also, when it comes to an anxious attachment, they're constantly seeking out others' responses. So again, people pleasing. Okay. Then we have avoidant attachment. And there's a couple different kinds of subscales with avoidant attachment. There's dismissive and there's fearful. So with avoidant attachment, this is the kiddo whose attachment figures just simply were dismissive. They just they the what kid, right? They so this child was avoided, right? And that's what they learned. Or it was a real fear-driven environment. So with someone that's avoidant, what they're gonna do is they're going to absolutely downplay importance of relationships, or they're going to blunt their affect or restrict their affect. They're very self-reliant. They're never going to ask for help. They're not going to open up about themselves, they're not going to share a lot about themselves. Um, if somebody brings something to their attention and they're just going to be like, nope, not going to happen. I'm not going to talk to you about it. Um, so the one that's more fearful, avoidant, is those that strongly um fear rejection. So they're going to avoid any situation where they're going to be rejected, where they're going to be rejected. So those are kind of some of the attachment styles. Ask yourself where you land. Okay. Ask yourself where you land. And this is again very rudimentary, um, quick definition of these. You can do a quick search on the internet and you can learn more about this. But let me just caution you just because it says it on the internet doesn't mean it's you. Okay. Because a lot of times I fear when I share things with you all that you quickly diagnose yourselves. And gosh, what a lonely, scary place to be in. So I don't want you to fall prey to that. If you have questions, seek someone out like myself or another caretaker, caregiver. I don't want you getting caught in this trap of diagnosing yourself. In fact, it was so funny the other day, I was talking to a classmate and I was asking about a class, and it is really heavy on using the DSM, our psychological manual, um, how we make diagnoses. And he said, Ah, you know, it was good, but I just, you know, I kept diagnosing myself with everything. And so we all have to be very cautious to not start diagnosing ourselves and bring compassion to our learning to expand ourselves. Does that make sense? So if we don't have a secure attachment, then we have to learn how to create one. And a great place to start is with someone like me. So um, you know, one of this thing I had read is a great thing about an attachment person as a counselor, because a counselor is there to bear witness to your pain. So bearing witness isn't just simply me sitting there watching you grieve unemotionally. So, right. In fact, bearing witness as a counselor, I believe, is a mandate, is I step into the grief with you and the pain you're in, I witness it with you while also receiving it honestly. You know that you're safe there, giving it to me, and you're not going to receive any judgment. In fact, I was um reflecting on an experience I had with my therapist years ago, and I was in the midst of some pretty heavy trauma. And, you know, everybody, if you've been to therapy, we have good stories and we have really bad stories. And this is a good story because I remember sharing my grief and my pain with her. And, you know, um, she grieved with me. She cried and she caught it. She could, because again, the session is not about the therapist, it's about you. But when you share that compassion and that empathy with someone, you can't help but have your heart grieve. And it was one of the most poignant, lovely experiences that I've had in therapy because I recognize she was bearing witness to my pain. And to feel that from someone allowed me to continue to grieve, but knowing she was receiving it and loving me through it and not judging me. It was just such a healing. gift that she gave me, that she gave me. So that is what bearing witness is, right? But again, we're going back to how we attach, right? And does that constrict, restrict, does that blunt our emotions or are we secure and broad in allowing those emotions? And this brings me back to lament. Lament is different, like I said, it's it's bearing our souls in session. And it contains a different aspect. Lament is really what I believe a theological perspective. And it's pouring out our pain, our anger and our frustration with someone that's bearing witness and also asking God to bear witness to us and recognizing that He is freely accepting it and receiving it without judgment for to us. And it what happens with Lament is through this very spiritual process of having someone there with you who shows you what a secure attachment is, right? That's that's what's wonderful about a counselor or a coach is that we are there to help you realize secure attachment can take place. Remember I told you it is not permanent it's just solidified at kindergarten okay but what happens with um butter that melts it solidifies but what happens we can melt it again it can be turned into different flowers and stuff on pretty plates right it's solidified but it's not permanent. So think of it that way. So your counselor uh provides you a training ground for attachment God is your secure attachment and when we find that secure attachment we expand our emotions through lament. So lament really is this intersection between physical and emotional pain and spiritual pain. It's where um you can read in the Psalms and lamentations and other books in the Bible where we hear individuals yelling at God for feeling isolated for being ignored for not feeling loved but then they have this massive struggle they have this resistance like I want to be angry but then what happens is they come on the other side and they say but or not yet or um you know you you followed through before and I have a hope that something's going to come again. So let me ask you this what is the difference between lamenting to God and pouring out your soul and allowing me to bear witness to you yes you are using that to get it out of your heart because sometimes it hurts doesn't it sometimes we're so full of pain and suffering and anger and frustration that we have to let it out. But the step between me and and me receiving you and walking with you through it and to lament and trusting that God was walking you through that it really is a small step. I know it feels like an enormous step but you're already practicing it with me in session. You're already practicing it with your counselor or your coach but pain does this thing doesn't it it causes us to ask God really tough questions. It causes us to question if God is real, right? It causes this pain and then it's almost like oh I shouldn't have done that and then we start restricting emotions again right I read about Saint Augustine and um it talked about that pre-his conversion before he became a God follower he had a broad emotional affect he allowed um his affect to come through his emotions to come through but then after he accepted God as his savior he restricted because he thought that you weren't supposed to have emotions as a Christian as a believer and I wonder if you fall into that trap as well that you have a I should only do this with my relationship and faith I should only and I shouldn't now there's shouldn't shouldn'ts rights that we should follow you should not murder someone period you shouldn't drink and drive period let's keep people safe um you know there's a lot of shoulds and shouldn't's aren't there I should care for others. We really should we really should um I should brush my teeth we want to keep our teeth right so there's there's certain shoulds and shouldn'ts but I think so many times when it comes to our faith or how we express our emotions we restrict and we blunt because there's shouldn't shouldn't't that were displayed to us by our attachment figures. See how all of this is coming together so you know some families and cultures like I said also teach restriction of um emotions and again some Christians I think errantly believe that they have to too because it's not okay to approach God in those ways and it's unfaithful to do so. So let me tell you this I love love this quote and I really hope my dog doesn't bark. I love this quote it says heartfelt cries and existential questions operate at the core of a healthy theology or faith and suppressing them is more hurtful than confession of ignorance meaning you don't know or you can't make sense of the pain and anguish that you're feeling think about when you suppress and you were suppressed and you were suppressed and you suppress your pain, your frustrations what happens well I know with a lot of my clients first their body breaks down it might not it might be lots of um tension in their neck and their shoulders and they get a migraine it might be that they start getting like physically ill they might start sleeping more then they become apathetic about um you know you know certain things that they used to really like before there's indicators that show you that repression is hurting you more than helping you. But again the expanding of emotions is scary right it's scary but lamenting if you can learn it is reaching out to God in the midst of your pain and suffering and telling him so that's what lament is so this weekend my husband and I were talking about this. We were I'm like babe let's talk about this I got some questions and he's so good he always listens to me and he's he's such a good partner in that he and I have very different views. We are chocolate and vanilla um but he really um pulls me to consider different perspectives. So this weekend he and I had a conversation about our attachment style and how it's played out in our marriage but also how it's played out in how we verbalize or don't verbalize emotions and how that plays into our relationship with the Lord. And I have to tell you I feel fully secure in my relationship with God. This is not because um it's just I I just grew up in this fantastic home. I love my parents not saying anything about them. However I will tell you I had anxious attachment and and what I have had to do over the years is to recognize that anxious attachment give compassion to that history to those um figures in my life and and what I did is then I slowly but surely um worked on attaching to God I inappropriately attached to others too because I was anxious right I was anxiously attaching to others but through this process of learning and growing in healing and lamenting God became my secure attachment figure okay but my husband said to me he said to me you know I said am I Pollyanna or what am I? Because I have this expectation that God's always going to come through always even in the worst of times I'm like nope he's gonna come through and I said to my husband and I said am I just like relentlessly hopeful is that like just this weird like rose colored glasses things because I don't want to be that person. I want this to be real and he said no I think you have a childlike faith I I expect a parent to love me and he is the ultimate parent right so and and he approaches God in a different way he sees God as um very holy so he restricts some of his lament some of his emotions in God in familiar relationships because he sees a lot of shoulds and shouldn'ts now a lot of it too is based on him protecting him like not becoming um so broad I think with when it comes to emotions with my husband he doesn't want to get stuck in certain emotions so he restrips at some point but either way either way I want to ask you where do you land where do you land with attachment style emotional affect and how do you look at the Lord is that even part of your thought process when you're looking to heal and overcome so understand that protesting to me so protest the the giving to me and the receiving I receive your pain and your anguish that is the first step protesting to God births hope. And we do it that way because we have hope he hears us and is impacted by us y'all listen I hear you and you impact me by your stories and your trust in me every single day why is it so different to assume that God will do the same I'm just a human right but you're trusting me with it so again we got we've got to learn to lament to expand our emotions so this week I want to share this excerpt from my book with you and it had me an utter utter tears and um I think that it so well grasps what I'm trying to say to you that your attachment is solidified but not permanent and that your use of emotion or experience of emotion and affect don't have to be stunted don't have to be restricted or blunted. Okay so this is um from Nicholas Walterstorff's book um Lament for my son it was when he lost his son in a tragic accident accident so this is what he says for a long time I knew that God is not the impassive unresponsive unchanging being portrayed by classical theologians okay so like Saint Augustine and how he just stopped having feelings I knew of the pathos of God the love the emotions of God I knew of God's response of delight of his response of displeasure but strangely his suffering I never saw before God is not only the God of the sufferers but the God who suffers. The pain and fallenness of humanity have entered into his heart through the prism of my tears I have seen a suffering in God. It is said of God that no one can behold his face and live. I always thought that this meant that no one could see his splendor and live. A friend said perhaps it meant that no one could see his sorrow and live or perhaps his sorrow is his splendor and great mystery to redeem our brokenness and lovelessness the God who suffers with us did not strike some mighty blow of power but sent his beloved son to suffer like us through his suffering to redeem us from suffering and evil. Instead of explaining our suffering God shares it oh I mean this had me in utter tears because I think so many times so many times when it comes to our faith when it comes to theology we're told we can't do this because God is too big. He's this being that's created heaven and the earth and he doesn't want to hear me in fact if I tell him I'm angry at him and I almost hate him right now he will strike me down but this man is saying to you we got it all wrong he's suffering with us he wants us to expand our emotion he wants us to share that with him because that is part of our spiritual intimacy that is part of the intimacy we share with others when you finally share with someone an emotion a feeling that you've been holding on to it's scary isn't it it is so scary but what's on the other side of it hope relief and that is exactly what lamenting to the Lord is so what are the steps in finding hope in lament or expanding yourself and emotions we've got to learn to expand so if you are um typically restricting or you're blunting first thing I say is you need to recognize emotions in others okay so don't apply this to yourself I want you to focus on recognizing emotions in others. So what emotion are you seeing on them? What are you hearing? What does it look like? What does it feel like to be around that person? Recognize their emotion practice that for a while once you get to the point where you're like okay I can tolerate this the next step is I want you to recognize the emotion you feel now you're used to stunting it and blocking it down. Allow yourself to feel it be mindful of it I'm not saying sit there in it. I'm saying say okay I'm feeling fear name it I want you to name it you're gonna feel it but you're gonna name it I'm not saying sit in it just name it there's a lot of power in naming our emotions and our thoughts in fact it's a very um uh what's the word I'm looking for it's a psychological technique I guess you could say that there's power in naming those things so it's not this nebulous weird thing that's happening to us we're gonna say nope, that's what it is. Now listen if you're not used to naming emotions because you're restricting or you're um blunting you need to do a search on the internet for an emotion wheel. And this is so very helpful. It's this huge wheel and there's all these different emotions and it's broken down in the positive emotions, negative emotions, sadness, sorrow, anger, frustration, elation, happiness I mean everything that you can think of. So an emotion wheel would be very helpful tool for you. And I think too when you use like something like that a tool like that that also gives you a little bit of a a buffer so you're not feeling it yet right this is a tool I'm gonna name my emotion. So that's a really good way for you to ease into this. So you've recognized the emotion you've named the emotion. Next you've got to practice attaching now like I said one of the most powerful things that I've done with my clients is to introduce attachment to them. So one of the tools that I use is the adult attachment scale and the adult attachment scale really provides us this big snapshot of how they are attaching. So it's going to show how their behaviors how they attach now in relationships and how that attachment figure really created that attachment in them. So what it does is it helps them to identify their attaching style and it allows us to name the feelings right or the feelings they're avoiding or they're anxious of and it helps them to identify reactions in relationships because and this is what I'm bringing up to you God is relational you coming to me is relational. So you've got to practice attaching to someone that's secure but first you have to recognize how you how you solidified attachment and then we're going to start practicing how to redefine that and re mold your attachment because remember it's not permanent. So slowly but surely you start stepping into like I said I step into with my clients acknowledging our attachment figures giving compassion to ourselves and them and learn to trust other relationships. So once you've done that once you've recognized your emotional attachment your emotions and your attachments so you've named them you've recognized your attachment um your attachment style then you have the head knowledge right you have the head knowledge of what's going on but you can know things right but you got to practice them so that this becomes something new so that we can start designing new neural thought patterns. We have to start practicing all of this so next is to step into emotion. But before you step into emotion because I know you're like nope not going there you have to create a plan first. So remember when I told you about that young girl I was talking about and she said yeah I don't allow myself to cry I don't allow myself to to have emotion because she was afraid of what would happen. So you have to develop a plan for when that time comes so when we develop a plan this is not about you avoiding feeling that pain and um that feeling I'm not saying that you're avoiding it. We're not going to continue to feel to avoid feelings okay this is about increasing your tolerance for discomfort okay so you always have to have a plan. I use the mnemonic device or an acronym of TAG T A G. So T for thoughts A for actions G is for God or guide. Okay. So what I want you to do with thoughts this is how you develop a plan. So first step of your plan is you're gonna feel the emotion you're gonna be mindful of the thought okay I'm feeling sadness okay I'm feeling sorrow that's it then action rather than allowing this emotion to overcome you because you're used to avoiding or being anxious right with emotion what you're gonna do is you're going to take action and this action is stopping that flood of emotions that you're not used to. So you're gonna get up and walk you're gonna go smell something that brings a good memory you're going to listen to music you're gonna watch YouTube videos that make you laugh. So you're gonna have an action so have a list have a list of things on your phone on these are my YouTube videos I go to these are the jokes I go to this is my playlist that I'm gonna go to have an action that you're going to stop that flood right you've already become mindful of that emotion you've named it you're gonna take action so it doesn't overcome you and then gee God and guide what you're gonna do is if you're not a believer you're going to create a guide you're gonna guide yourself through visualization through the process of being mindful of the emotion you're stopping some of it from overcoming you but you're gonna guide yourself through that emotion through visualization you're literally going to visualize yourself walking safely through the sorrow safely through the suffering the thing with our emotions is they're a wonderful thing aren't they I mean when we get emotional about the beautiful things in life a baby being born a marriage gosh these Christmas commercials on anymore just make you cry right they're just so heartfelt they're so good but the thing with emotions too especially with with negative emotions what we term negative emotions is that they create such fear and anxiety in us that we spike our our central nervous system our autonomic response it's that fight flight or freeze I mean we spike it so you have to visualize safely walking through it it is not something that is currently taking place. You have overcome it reminding yourself and we do this a lot with trauma um clients is that you have overcome this trauma it is no longer taking place hopefully it's not taking place and you're in a safe place but you've got to visualize walking safely through this um I did one time with a client a couple of years ago. We worked on some visualization and we talked about what her safe place was. And she loved the ocean. And we literally did a visual visualization of her walking. There's a hotel she had in her mind, walking through the hallways, walking down the boardwalk, walking through the sand, feeling it through her toes, recognizing the pebbles on the beach, tipping, you know, sticking her toes in the water, listening to the waves. We visualized her safe place as she walked through the motions. And it was very, very, very helpful for her. Now, if you're not able to visualize, then what I want you to do is you've got to decrease that effect that's happening to you because you're starting to not restrict emotions. You're not blunting emotions. This is different for you. So you can even start with box breathing. So it's a uh breathing in for four count, hold it for four count, exhale for four count, and then hold for four count. I had to think about it. So just visualize a box, a four-sided box in your head, four, four, four, four, and just becomes repetitive. So you can lower that response, that fight, flight, or freeze response. So that's your your your game plan. Okay. So you are going to um name it, recognize it in somebody else, recognize somebody else's emotion, then you're gonna recognize your own emotion and name it. Then you're going to practice attaching, but first you need to recognize your attaching attachment style. And then you start acknowledging what's taking place. And slowly but surely we've got to step into these emotions. We have to learn to expand. And you're going to use tag. You're going to have a plan in place before you practice this. Because again, this is not avoiding discomfort. This is increasing your intolerance, excuse me, increasing your tolerance for discomfort. Okay. Not saying that this is going to feel good. In fact, I'm telling you it's going to feel pretty crappy. But again, on the other side of this is what? Is hope. Why are you listening to me? Why do you seek out help? Why do you read self-help books? Because you have hope for something new and something different. So then after you've practiced all of this, you need to practice sharing with your caregiver, someone that's close, someone that you can trust, a pastor, a counselor, um, a trusted friend, whatever it may be, you need to practice sharing with that person. Allow them to bear witness to your pain. Now, I would suggest with like family, friends, that's that's pretty hard because um, gosh, we love you, right? And so it's hard to bear witness and not become enraptured in somebody's pain. Does that make sense? It is quite the balancing act um when you listen to clients' pain and not to bring on so much of the pain. You know, I shared with you my therapist that cried just for a moment with me. And gosh, what life-giving tears she gave me, right? Um, but there's a balance because it's not about us, it's about the client. So really consider who you speak with. Professionals, we we've we've learned how to do this. Um, and then lastly, I want you, you've worked through this process, you're practicing, you've practiced attaching with some uh someone else, you're practicing using your tag, you're stepping into that discomfort, you're tolerating it a little bit more, a little bit more, you're recognizing and naming your emotions, all of those things. Next is I want you to utilize lament. Utilize lament. So whether it's in sessions with someone like me or it's with you yourself, I want you to cry out in your deepest anguish to God rather than just kind of willy-nilly. You know, I think a lot of times we feel like nothing's listening to us, the universe. I that's one of my the worst terms for me, because I think that there is an all-knowing, all-loving God. Um, so it's not willy-nilly. It's it's really focusing that lament, that pain to someone, to the all-knowing being. He can bear it, y'all. He can. And what you'll find on the other side of it is hope. You are doing the same thing with me while listening to me. You have hope. You have to practice these things. I understand, because attaching to a God, um, our God, attaching to a father figure might be something that you're not used to. So those are the steps. Those are the steps. This is expansion. Expansion brings hope, right? Hope comes from God. It really does. It's it's in our DNA, but we've got to learn to expand. So these are the steps. It's a lot. Today is a long podcast, but I just I read through this um book on lamenting and find that security within lament. And it just had me really reflecting on gosh, this there's so many steps to get to this. And it's such a messy process, especially for those that have been raised in the faith community. We have these do's and don'ts and shoulds and shouldn'ts. And we have to um untangle all of those things, untangle some of our attachments, untangle some of the restriction and blunting of emotions before we really learn to lament. But I'm telling you, lament lamenting is the expansion that you need. But I recognize you have to learn to expand, to not restrict, to not blunt those emotions before you can even get to lamenting. So, something for y'all to think about today. I hope you've enjoyed today. I pray that you are all well. I would love to hear from you. I would love to hear from you about today's uh session. What did you think about this? Have you ever heard about lamenting? What do you think about this? Do you think it's even applicable to you? Do you think, Piper, this is insane? Why are you teaching us this today? I would love to hear from you. Send me an email over at Piper at PiperHairs.net. Um, I do. I really love receiving receiving emails from y'all when you listen to these podcasts. They give me joy because I know somebody's listening. Um, but it is wonderful um to receive from you because you share things with me that I don't have that perspective. And the only way I can learn and become better is by you sharing and teaching me too. So um thanks again, all. And you will hear from me next time. Thank you for joining me today on the Piper Harris Podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, please be sure to share it on your social media, share it with your friends and your family. And if you have some more questions after listening to today's episode, head on over to piperharris.net and you can schedule a time for you and I to continue a conversation where I hope to explain to you how you can find your poema, harness it, and find healing and vitality in your life. Thanks again, I appreciate you, and you'll hear from me soon in future episodes.