Hi there, my name is Piper Harris, and welcome to the Rebuild Your Ruins, a Piper Harris coaching podcast. On today's episode, we'll talk about why I won't work with your kids and why you need the work. We'll discuss the ins and outs of working with difficult children and teens and offer listeners an opportunity to discover how we can lean into some discomfort and come out on the other side of change. Welcome, welcome everyone. I hope that you are doing well. We are almost at the end of 2022. It is hard to believe. So let's get into our topic for the day. So, why I won't work with your kids and uh why parents should listen. It's interesting how ideas for podcasts come up. And uh so I'll I'll share this journey with you in just the minutes that follow. So let's go back to a long, long, long time ago. Yes, I'm gonna go into storytelling mood. Back in about 1998, is when I really decided it was time to jump into the field of psychology and counseling. So at the time I was a student over in Washington State, and I started working at different facilities. So one of the facilities I was working at was called the Crisis Residential Center. And what it was was this short-term placement center. I think it was 21 to 28 days that the kids stayed there. I can't remember. It was a long time ago. And so I worked there and I was just a student mental health counselor and I was kind of learning the ropes. So I remember I walked into the CRC uh one day and I was I was green, y'all. I mean, like I I really had just started working, and it was a little nerve-wracking walking into a short-term placement facility, just in that, you know, these kids were the ones that were discarded. These were the ones that were forgotten. This was a state-run facility. So it was difficult. You saw a lot of difficult things. So anyway, I will never forget, I walked in one day and I was told, hey, you're running the group counseling session with all the parents. And I thought, oh, okay. Now keep in mind, um, I am probably 19 years old, 19, 20 years old at the time. And um I have had zero training on group counseling. In fact, all I remember from then is my work on campus with other students and doing counseling together in a group. Like I don't remember actual group counseling. And you know, now that I've almost finished my master's, they really focus a lot on group counseling because it is it's a difficult dynamic. And included with that, you're a kid. You have no education behind you. And people come up to you and say, hey, you're gonna handle all the parents that actually show up for the kids that are in a short-term facility. So it was uh it was a little nerve-wracking. So I remember I got everything set up. It was a sunny day. I remember the sun coming through the windows. We had these big, beautiful windows and these giant, giant oak trees. Um, and so I remember getting everything set up. And I, you know, again, I was super nervous. So there was this one particular kid um who I just really had a connection to her. And in fact, she followed me from facility, facility, facility after my work at CRC. I worked with a kind of a conglomerate of different um nonprofits and group homes. Um, and so, excuse me for that, everybody. So um, you know, I I had this particular kid that I really um just, you know, was um connected to, I guess you could say. So that kid, her mother, was coming into group counseling. So I was really interested to learn who is mom, what's her story? So here's the thing her dad, this client that I'm talking about that I really had a connection with, her dad was completely unknown. And then mom walks in. I will never forget this day because talk about my nerves being shot and being super nervous, it went, it ratcheted up a whole lot more. So mom walked in. She's really tall, she had this long, straggly, dirty blonde hair. And I really could tell at one point in her life she was beautiful, that she was really beautiful. Her daughter was beautiful, but the choices of her using meth and selling her body as a prostitute had worn her out. She looked pretty terrible. She had not a lot of teeth left. She had open sores on her arms and her face, uh, and her eyes were darting everywhere. She um, I believe, showed up for a warm place and the free food that we gave to our group counseling parents. Now, keep in mind this was not all the parents that showed up. Some parents, they just were hit on hard times, whatever it was, and the kids were just in temporary custody. Um, but there were parents like this gal um that were, you know, a mess. So I remember working through the session as best as I could, and um, I really struggled because I kept looking at this mom. And due to my connection with her kiddo, I just kept thinking, you're the problem. You know, you're the problem, lady. Like, what why is your kid in here? You're the problem. So, fast forward to today, that situation has always stayed with me. I mean, always. It's interesting, a few years ago, a mom had asked me to work with her daughter. And it was really the same thing. Yes, the daughter that I worked with had some things that she needed to change, but I'm telling you, it's the parents. It was about them. It really wasn't about her. So then again, fast forward a few months ago, even though I swore never to work with children in adolescence, one squeaked in and uh we did some heavy work. It was extraordinarily painful for the adolescent, and it was a little nerve-wracking for me because I had sworn off doing this work. I really had back in about 2001, I would say I said I to myself, I'm never working with this this age group again. It's breaking my heart. And then, you know, I worked with the one a couple years ago in a coaching capacity, and it wasn't so bad. It was difficult working with a mother, but I always said, you know, I am I'm not doing this thing. I'm not, I'm not counseling teens. I can't, I can't do this. So ultimately, though, this one squeaked in. It was very painful for the adolescent. Um, she had no father, she was in a blended family, she felt unseen. Um, and she had some pretty rebellious behaviors that were concerning. They were very concerning. So we did the work. We used DBT, we did CBT, but there was so much more that I couldn't get to. And so I invited mom to a session. And I got to know mom. And, you know, mom, she really truly was trying her best. Can considering the mom, you know, my my meth head mom that I remember. It's a terrible way to call her that, but that's just the image is so fried in my brain. She she's different, and I'll say that. She was trying her best, but I'll never forget when this mom, this again was a few months ago, says to me, Hey, uh, when will she be better? I have to go back to work. Oof, I couldn't believe what I heard. I just thought, what in the heck? You know, I thought I know her intention is not to sound so incredibly selfish, but you know, I I know that she's exhausted, but those words, she uttered those out loud to me. So what's being said to your kiddo, or what's being felt by your kiddo? So I have learned over the years, and sometimes I've been told that I'm a little too um upfront and honest. But I told mom, you need therapy. This needs to be uh a group effort, and I can do so much with your daughter, you know, once a week. But hey, mom, you you need to work on some things. And um, you know, it it didn't go over well. Miraculously, um, she told me that her teen was uh absolutely 100% recovered. And then unfortunately, the mom really tried to pin all the ills and behaviors before on me. And I understood why mom uh did it that way, and then I never saw him again, but I understand why she did that way because nobody wants to be told that um, hey, your kid might have some issues, but you know what? You're part of this problem. Let's work on those things. So that's difficult for all of us. I'm a mom, I've been told those things before too. It's it's not a lot of fun. But I hope in sharing today's episode um why I won't work with your kids and why you parents should listen is that you hear. You hear about some of the things that we need to work on as parents, and that it will forge you the ability to grow your relationship with your kids and help them and help you in the process. So we are currently in the season of Christmas called the octave of Christmas. So today's the 29th. Um, so during this um part of the season, this the early church of the Catholic Church, they celebrate the octave or these different celebrations from Christmas Day all the way through New Year's Day. And so um I've been following this and reading and just really enjoying it. And so today, um, part of the reading was out of Luke chapter two, um, starts at verse 22, and it talks about um it was eight days after Jesus' birth, and according to Jewish tradition, his parents, Mary and Joseph, took him to the temple for purification and circumcision. And so this is part of Jewish tradition. This was really well known. This is something that they went and did. So, what they did is they went to the temple for this tradition, um, and they met a very wise man named Simeon, and he saw Mary and Joseph and Jesus, and he ultimately knew he was looking at the savior of the world. What's interesting about this scripture reading, and I really encourage you to read this, you can, you know, grab a Bible or even Google a Bible online. So it's Luke chapter two, starting at um verse 22. But what was interesting as a part of this ceremony is one, I'm just learning about the octaves of Christmas, and so I find it's just very interesting to learn these things from a different perspective. But two, part of this ceremony is that Mary and Joseph not only took Jesus there for his purification and circumcision, but they also part of the ceremony was to bring a lamb for sacrifice. But Mary and Joseph were incredibly poor, and so they brought what they could. They brought two pigeons. So that was part of the story that I found really interesting. The other part of this story is that Simeon blesses Joseph and Mary, and um, you know, this is something that they do. They they give blessings. We have a dear friend who's a priest, and he comes for dinner, and uh, he's he's just a guy, right? He's he's our buddy. And uh, but the thing I really love is he never leaves his house without hugs going around, and then he always offers a blessing. And there's just such a peace, and um, it just it feels good. I just love when he does it. So Simeon offers a blessing to Joseph and Mary um for following through on the tradition and raising Jesus. And then Simeon turns to Mary and he says, and not the exact words, again, go back and read it. He says, You know, you're gonna be raising your son and he's gonna change the entire world. But you, you will have your heart pierced by a sword as the world is changed. So Simeon's essentially saying, I know you're coming here, you're celebrating your son's birth. We're having this wonderful ceremony, but I just want you to know that you're gonna feel the worst sorrow you've ever felt. Y'all, her son is eight days old. Can you imagine the gravity of those words? You're in this ceremony that's just this traditional, wonderful thing, and then you're told, hey, by the way, FYI, your heart's going to be pierced. Ugh. But here's the thing, here's the thing. And I want you to kind of put yourself back then 2000 years ago. You're poor, you don't have a lot to provide your children, but you're being told he's the king of the world, so you need to do your best. And then you're told that something devastating is going to happen. You know the future coming. But this is what Mary does. She raises him anyway. She feeds him, she clothes him, and she and Joseph work very hard to provide shelter. But here's the kicker. She also works to love him, comfort him, provide a safe and secure place for him to grow up into. Mary had parenting down. Now, you know, maybe she didn't always get it right. I don't know. Parenting's hard. But Mary seemed to have it down. She knew the future, what was coming. She didn't have a lot, but she worked with what she had. And I guess as I'm thinking about kids and why I won't work with them and why parents really need to listen, I think about most of us parents, we fall pretty short. So for you parents of children and adolescents, I don't want to work with them because you aren't holding up your side of the deal. Sorry. The biggest issues that I see now with a lot of the teenagers or even children is that number one, there are no firm boundaries. You got to say no and mean it. You know, half the time I have these parents that come in and they say, Well, I held a boundary and we talked through it, and the boundary held for about a week. They say, But it's so hard. Yeah, it's hard. It sucks, it's exhausting. But kids need boundaries. You know, it it's training, you know, like a dog. If you don't keep the training with the dog, they go back to old behaviors. Yes, I just compared your kid to a dog. Well, compare us to a dog too. It's behaviorism 101. You remember Pavlov's dogs? The basin basic tenets of behaviorism is that a behavior is learned in an environment, and behaviors are learned based on a stimulus and a response. So let me take you back to remember the kiddo I worked with at the CRC, the Crisis Residential Center. She learned from mom that she was unvalued and that drugs meant more. Her behavior of acting out landed her in group homes. But those homes provided structure, warmth, and food. So even though she led this life of terrible behaviors that caused great harm to herself psychologically and physically, she maintained those behaviors because ultimately it would land her in a group home where she would find the things that she was lacking. Here's the other problem that I find with parents and why I won't work with your kids you are not their friend. Stop trying to be cool. I will not forget a few months ago I met um my son's ex's mom. Say that three times fast. But was really interesting is she came up and was talking to me, and it was just kind of awkward because I'm like our kids dated for like a blink of an eye. Why are we talking? Um, but anyway, she came up and she started gossiping about our kids. And I just stood there and I thought, what is taking place right now? And the manner in which she spoke and the way she was talking about this situation between our kids, I thought she's trying to be cool. She's acting like a kid. And in my mind, I'm like, stop being cool. It's not cool, it's cringy. Isn't that what our kids say? And listen, all of us have seen our kids roll their eyes, whatever it is, because we're trying to be cool and we just aren't. It is not good to try to be our kids' friends because if we're our kids' friends, then there's no firm boundaries. Friends, you know, in adolescence, there are no boundaries. This is part of adolescence. They're discovering, they're exploring, they're all over those things. Hopefully, your kids know how to set boundaries with their friends. But listen, we are not their friends. Stop being cool. Stop it. The third biggest issue that I see is you have got to get your kids off social media. It is destroying them. Do the search. I don't have to give you this statistics. I don't. But this is what I can tell you what I see on a daily basis. Even though I'm not working with these kids, I see them come in and out, in and out. I talk to colleagues. What is happening is what they're seeing on social media is number one, they're trying out new behaviors. Cutting is a big one right now, y'all. It is a big one. These kids are so desperate to stand out and create their own identity that they will try on anything. Anything. The other thing that social media does is it decreases their sleep. They have no sleep. Y'all, they have to have sleep. Their brain is growing. I remember reading an article, and the average kid is sleeping six hours a night when their brain needs eight to nine. That's scary. So the lack of sleep actually increases depression and anxiety. You're also going to see heightened distractability. You're also going to see that they're going to be suffering with comparison, bullying, and over-sexualization. I cannot explain to you. The over-sexualization is so very scary for our kids. And you know what? It doesn't matter if you say, well, it's just the world these days. I hear you, I understand you, but you are the parent. Take control of it. Take control of it. And if that means you get off social media, do it. It is destroying our kids. I don't care what you think. I don't care if you're rolling your eyes. I'm telling you, I am on the ground with this. And it is devastating to see what is happening with our kids. So here's what I advise. Since for now, you know, you understand, I'll never work with your kids because, well, you know, you need to work on you first. Number one, listen to this. You have got to keep your cool. Number one, keep your cool. I've just listed for you all of the big problems that I'm seeing. So now let's talk about how we can start working toward helping your kid. Number one, keep your cool. Do not be arbitrary. Don't fly off the handle. You need to be measured. And if you're not able to be, breathe and take a break. That is the biggest thing I see often with parents is that they become exhausted. I understand. I see them. They come in, they cry to me, they're exhausted by their teenagers' behaviors. But I'm telling you, you gotta hold fast. You gotta keep going. And when you feel like I am at the end of my rope, then breathe and take a break. And just say to your kiddo, I gotta take a breather. I love you. This is not me denying you and the pain that you're in, but I want to make sure that I'm hearing you and I'm being a good parent. So take a break. Now it doesn't mean ignore them and never come back to them. I've seen that behavior too. That's called stonewalling. That doesn't help anybody or anything. Okay, so keep your cool. Number two, two, excuse me, you have got to model healthy behaviors and talk to them about it. Don't scold and wag your finger at them about what they should do. You model, share how and why you choose certain behaviors and why you don't choose others. So, meaning vulnerability is a really big thing that you can use to get through to your kid. Now, granted, dependent on their developmental age, you're not going to be talking about, you know, why you choose not to do drugs because you smoked pot at Jimmy's birthday party and got really sick. I understand you're not going to tell a five-year-old that. But really, you've got to model behaviors and through that sharing vulnerability. It's a very difficult thing to do. I think oftentimes parents they don't want to tell their kids what they've done or why they don't do the things they do because they don't want it to give the kids permission. I understand. We've had that same conversation in our house. I've been very open with my kids about my experimentation in adolescence. And in fact, not too long ago, my kid said to me, We're having a conversation about that stuff. And he said, Well, but you did it. And I said, You're absolutely right. And let me tell you what was the product of me doing those things and what happened. And it really led to a pretty extraordinary conversation. And here's the thing, too. I'm not hiding things from them. I'm trying to model the best behavior. And when I suck and I ruin things, I apologize. But modeling healthy behaviors and healthy boundaries and healthy conversation means that your kids are more apt to come to you when they are hurting rather than running off to social media and trying on those new behaviors. Honestly. So get vulnerable and model healthy behaviors and have conversations about them. Number three, use reframing. Use reframing. This is a huge technique in my work using CBT and cognitive behavioral therapy. And basically, this is a technique that helps to shift perspective. So often I have people come in the office and they only see things a certain way. And so that my job is to help us shift the perspective. And by shifting the perspective, this is not, you know, unicorns and roses. I'm not, I'm not telling you to do that. But if we can shift a perspective, it allows us to create new neural pathways, number one, but it really does allow us to step outside of the emotional state. So what I'm saying with reframing with your kid is yes, your kid is acting out. And this can be painful and difficult. It might be that they have a really painful mental health issue, and I understand that. But step into those shoes, that's their shoes. That's really what reframing is. Ask yourself what could they be experiencing at school? What have they seen at home that could be perpetuating this? You know, what does this tell them about their world and their safety? That's the biggest thing you have to understand that boundaries, modeling healthy behavior, all of those things, these kiddos need to know that they are safe in their world. So utilize reframing, not only for yourself, but you can do this with your kiddos too. And it's not like, you know, they're being super negative and stop being ee or you know, look at the bright side. You, you know, you're in the United States and you you have a full plate of food. Like I can't tell you how many times I heard that growing up. That is that's not reframing. Reframing is what is something out of what happened today that was really difficult and painful for you? What is another opportunity for you to learn from this? Or, you know, help them see, use what, how, and when questions. Don't ever use why because that's going to turn them on their ear. But anyway, you reframe, use reframing. Number four, we're going back to it again. You have got to create clear boundaries. Parents, you fall back on your boundaries over and over and over again. I am telling you, it, I know it's exhausting. It's exhausting and it is miserable. I'll never forget when my youngest son was having major sleep issues. I mean, it was miserable for years. And I went to a friend of mine who's a sleep coach and I asked her for help. And so we came up with this whole plan and I stuck to it for a few nights, and then I was right back to being exhausted. And I was so frustrated because my kid kept doing the same thing over and over again. And you know what she says to me? She's like, Well, but Piper, you're not maintaining the boundaries. Oh, that was awful to hear because she was right. I was mad at her for pointing it out, but she was right. So if you wonder why your kid and their their behaviors are cropping up again, it's because of you. It's because of you. You're not creating and establishing and maintaining clear boundaries. It sucks, it's not fun. I understand, but it is absolutely required so that your kiddo knows that although they may have consequences, like when my folks used to take my door off the hinges because I kept slamming it, they know what to expect. That's what boundaries do. And now, listen, not knowing boundaries and not knowing what to expect creates insecurity in your child. We'll talk about that another time. It's called attachment theory. But this is what I want to say to you. By not creating and maintaining clear boundaries, you create insecurity in your child. And that wreaks havoc on them for a lifetime. I am not being overly dramatic. I work with people in their 70s, and I am telling you, when they were raised in an insecure environment, their parents might have had all the clothing, the house, the food, the shelter, but because they didn't have a secure environment that told them that they were self, but they were consequent, they were safe, there were consequences, but they were loved. I am telling you, they come to me and they are a mess and they are hurting. You have to maintain and create clear boundaries to create a secure development in your child, or you literally will help them have a lifetime of pain. Oof, right? Not fun to hear. So the next point I want to make is can you please stop dying on every hill? Every hill, please avoid unnecessary arguments. I'll I'll never forget uh a commercial. It had to have been 20 years ago. And I remember I was a kid getting ready to go out with friends, and he had this kind of um interesting sweatshirt on or whatever. And you could see on the mom's face that she was like, Whoa, that thing is ugly. But you know what? Rather than she said anything to her kiddo, she straightened up the sweatshirt and told her, told him that she loved him. So listen, with that commercial, I'll never forget it because there was no unnecessary skin showing, there was no over sexualization, there was no grotesque messaging on this kiddo sweatshirt, nothing like that. But she loved him through it, even though she's like, okay, that's really ugly. Now, listen, this can be a slippery slope because then people say to me, Well, but my kid wants to do this and wants to do this and wants to do this. It's a slippery slope. So you need to be very careful what your kids are trying on. Listen, you're the parent, parent. Set clear boundaries. If your daughter walks out of the house and if she bends over, we're going to see more than anybody needs to see. That's when you say, Hey, put some clothes on. Because listen, I'm not saying that your daughter is doing things to invite anything. I am not saying that. But we do have some really, really evil people in the world. And why would you put her in harm's way? She'll be mad at you. I'll never forget in high school, 1993 or whatever. Brittany Spears was super big back then. I think it was 93. I don't even remember. When she first came out, and she used to wear those really short skirts and like the thigh-high, like, you know, whatever they were. And I remember I wanted to wear that outfit. And my mom wouldn't let me out of the house. She would not let me out of the house. And listen, I that's nothing compared to the today. But you have to set those boundaries. Was I mad at my mom? Absolutely. When I look back at it, gosh, I'm kind of glad I didn't do that.

You know?

So just listen, you stop dying on every hill, but also be careful that it can be a slippery slope. If your kid, you know, um, I've heard this a lot. Um, parents hate when kids say, Yeah, it is annoying. Listen, it's super annoying. But are you gonna die on that hill every single day? How's your kid's grades? Are they getting their house, their their chores basically done? Are they basically good kids? And he just accidentally says, yeah, when you call their name. Come on, don't die on every hill. That's arbitrary. You're just gonna cause more issues with your kiddo. So the next thing is listen. Don't listen to respond. Please listen. In fact, don't even share anything with them until you can re repeat back to them what they said. This is hugely helpful. Hugely helpful. Um, so don't like parrot back to them, paraphrase what they said. So they tell you what's going on, you're listening to them, and then you say, you kind of paraphrase back, and then you say, Do I understand that right? Allow them to share more because they will, because you probably didn't get right. And then ask them, hey, are you wanting to vent, or would you like some advice? This allows your teen, your child, autonomy. You can even do this with like a seven, eight, nine-year-old. This is easy, easy stuff you can do with them. Paraphrase what they're saying, allow them to follow it up, and then you can say, Do I understand? You know, or wanting, do you want mom's advice, or do you want me to just listen? You allow them autonomy, and this builds your relationship. It doesn't seem arbitrary, it doesn't seem like you're just listening to scold them. It means you're actually listening. And I want you to ask yourself, how does it feel when someone actually listens to you? It feels good, right? Your kid needs that feeling as well. All right. So, next up, uh, something that is really important when you're dealing with your difficult children and teens is do not make it personal. More than likely, you're listening to me this morning and you're making it personal. I get it. I'm a mom. It is not hearing that we are the root of problems. It's not, it's not a lot of fun. It hurts and it's much easier for us to get angry, isn't it? So this isn't about you. Well, I mean it is, but allow some of these hard-heard truths to create a sh to create a shield just simply because they hurt you is not the way to go. What I want you to do is hear these hard-heard truths and be able to work through them. Don't become emotional, don't make it about you. That'll take you right back to square one with your teens. So when they're sharing with you, hey, mom, I hate when you do X, Y, and Z and you're going through your mind like I do your laundry, I feed you, I clothe you. Take a deep breath. I know it's not fun, but don't make it personal. The moment that you make it personal, the moment everything's over. You're trying to model healthy behaviors, remember? Well, healthy behavior is not falling prey to your emotionality because you're just teaching your kid that's what they should do. Okay. So the next tip I have for you is you've got to take care of yourself. Find a therapist, really, honestly. I think oftentimes I have seen parents come in and they say to the counselor, hey, take care of my kid, fix them. And you're thinking, I get them one hour a week. You have them all the rest of the time. And it it's when you say it out loud like that, it's just kind of like you look at parents going, I can't do that. I'm not Jesus. I can't do that in one hour a week. So it's really important that the parent take care of themselves. If you are fried with your kid, if you are emotionally exhausted, if you have tried all these things and you're at wit's end, you got to find help for yourself. You do. And sometimes it's just needing that release valve. It's not okay to release on our kids. It's not, we're trying to help them, we're modeling healthy behaviors, we're showing them boundaries, all of those things. So when you have um a feeling like you're going to explode, that's when you find somebody else. That's when you find someone else. So find a therapist. Spend time in self-care. Often when we're with these kiddos that really zap us, we forget about taking um time for ourselves because you know we're we're in constant emergency mode. And I understand that. So with taking time for self-care, you've got to surround yourself with a community. You have to, you can't do this alone. You can't. You have to spell spend that time in self-care, but surround yourself with community so you can ask them for some help. Spend time with reading parenting books, spend time in groups with uh like-minded individuals that might be faced with the same things. You've got to take care of yourself as well. You will do your children no good if you don't take care of yourself. I think about that mom way back from the CRC, and I often think about what happened to her. What led her to choose a life of prostitution? Um, what what led her to starting to use methamphetamines that ate away her skin and took her teeth? What led her to that point of saying, I really don't care about my kid. I'll show up to this group counseling because I get a warm meal. It breaks my heart to think about that. To think about that somebody didn't say, Hey, let's take care of you. Let me let me show you what self-care is, let me show you what a community is. I think about her so often. One, I was a kid and it scared the crap out of me, if I'm being honest. I had no idea what I was doing. But I just think about that woman so often that what led her to that point in her life. The good part of that story, and this is I'll I'll share the last of that, is about, oh my gosh, it was probably four or five years after working at that residential home. I was working with um a nonprofit, and we were doing a community event. And my focus during that time was on adolescents and teens. I had this really awesome um statewide effort. And part of it was I threw a free dance for all these kids that remained alcohol and drug-free. And I get them, I got them all kinds of free goodies from the community all over the state. It was actually really cool. I was very proud of that effort. But what was really interesting is I was um standing outside, I'll never forget, I was standing outside the doors to check kids in for the dance, and I had, you know, the table set up or whatever. And this girl walks up to me, and she's just cute as can be, but she just looked different and I was busy. I mean, there were hordes of kids that wanted to come hang out, and so I just wasn't really paying a whole lot of attention, but something caught my eye about her, but I just I was busy, so I didn't say anything. And then the next week I was working at another event with a co-worker, and um, it was this stuff that we did for um drug and alcohol offenders. And so anyway, all that to be said, I was standing out there checking people and again helping my friend out, my coworker, and the same girl walks up and I was like, Oh, and I looked at her and I thought, I know her, and it just didn't dawn on me who am I looking at? And I just said, Well, name and trying to get her checked in. She goes, Well, you know me. And she gave me her name, and I thought, oh my gosh, it's the girl, it's the one that I had this connection with that has just you know, pretty much torn my heart in two. I didn't know if she was okay, I didn't know where she was at. And y'all, she looked so good. Her hair was just clean and well kept, and she just she was dressed so cutely. She just, I mean, I just baffled. I stood to this day, I think about seeing her. And I was overcome with emotion and just baffled at this beautiful young woman that is standing in front of me. And she said to me, Piper, you know, this is who I am, and I just want you to know I made it out. I made it out. And to hear that was just extraordinary. And she and I spent some time, we walked to the side, we spent some time talking about how she got where she was. Her mom ultimately passed away from an overdose, but she talked to me a lot about how I was pretty strict with her, and that um that always stayed with her, and that I held her to a standard, and that I wouldn't let her walk all over me, even though I'm telling you guys, there were times that she was ugly to me. Oof, so many tears were shed for that girl. But we talked about that, and she thanked me for sticking to it. She wasn't even my kid, y'all. And I saw her four to five years later, and she's telling me how much it meant to her. That's huge, huge. So take care of yourself, hold your ground. I know it hurts, I know it does, but it really truly makes a difference. So, last but not least, live like Mary. Easier said than done, the mother of God. But listen, she didn't have much, she uh was pretty poor, but she gave everything she had, she gave it all. She knew her son would break her heart, period. But she's still parented, and we need to do the same. So, although I won't work with your kids, I will work with you. It is a key to your success and your kiddo's success if you work on your own stuff, honestly. We all have it, we all have our gunk, we all need to step into it. And the best step forward and behavior change for your kiddo is starting to work on your own. That brings us to the end of this episode. Thanks so much for joining me. I hope you learned some things that'll equip you to continue in rebuilding the ruins of your life. If you enjoyed the show, please rate and review us on your podcast listening platform and share this with your friends and family. As always, thanks so much for listening to Rebuild Your Ruins, a Piper Harris Coaching podcast. I'll talk with you next time.