Hi there, my name is Piper Harris, and welcome to the Untangled Mind Podcast, where we learn to untangle life's challenges. On today's episode, I talk about deference, something I talked about two years ago on episode 30. But I'm pretty hot under the collar today, and it's time to chat about this once again. Tune in and learn what has me all tangled up in knots and learn how we can find our way through it. Hey everybody, welcome, welcome, welcome. Uh welcome to the Untangled Podcast, Untangled Mind Podcast. This is Piper Harris. So I do have to apologize. I'm using different earphones today. It's kind of funny. I've moved into my own counseling space, into an office, and it's so exciting, but all of my stuff is there. And so I am recording for home. So hopefully I don't sound too kind of like robotic with these earphones. Um, and hopefully you can continue to listen to me today. So you guys heard in the intro that I am hot under the collar. Um, I talked about something called All Hail a Deference in episode 30, and I looked back at that, and that was two years ago. It's hard to believe I was talking about this two years ago, and um it needs to be talked about again. It needs to be talked about again. So oftentimes, you know, I hear things from you know my counseling clients, or I experience things in my personal life, and it really does kind of bring to mind podcasts that I want to do, blog posts that I want to do. And so this one is is really um in my face right now. Um, just because I'm counselor doesn't mean that I am always even killed, doesn't mean that um I'm always like uh yeah, even killed. And this why that's why today I'm just feeling like really irritated. So today we're talking about the difference versus, excuse me, deference. So um, if you go back to episode 30, we talk about what is deference and and what does that mean? So, really what deference is is is we have respect for authority. Um, you know, we we look up to someone, we do defer to them and their wisdom. But I also know there's individuals out there that they expect your deference at the detriment of yourself. And um, I was in clinical supervision, and that's who I'm working for now. It's just an amazing, amazing um symbiotic, uh respectful relationship. So if you want to learn more about my counseling and how that's working, um head on over to untangledmind.net and learn all about um this holistic approach to counseling that I'm doing with Dr. Susan Balange. So, all that to be said, um I was in clinical supervision. Um, we were having some discussions with all the change that's been taking place, especially the last couple years, I'm finishing my master's degree in 20 days, y'all. 20 days, I'm almost there. Um, but with it, I had to do my clinical hours to actually graduate. And then that you have two more years of residency. But during those um hours that I had to complete for schooling, um, I I worked for individuals that um I really did admire. I knew them prior um to actually working for them and I admired their gumption, I admired their business sense. Um, and then when I left because I wanted to leave, because um that's what people do, they they move on and they grow, um I really got I I really got attacked. And unfortunately, those things are happening again. And I was really, I really angry. And um I said to uh Dr. Blangy, I just said, I am not playing down to anyone in my life. I did that from age birth to 22. I am not doing that again. I am not giving people deference just because they think I should. And I was really angry. I mean, I'm I'm watching my language because this is a nice podcast. Um, but I was really angry. Like, I don't owe people deference just because they say so. I I will give you deference when I'm treated with kindness and respect, when I see um your your character, your integrity, all of those things. But don't you dare have that expectation from me just because you don't like how I do things. And so she and I had this big conversation. She talked to me off the ledge, kind of. You guys can hear I'm a little spun up still about it. Um and it just it really irritated me. And what's interesting is I hear this so often in the counseling sessions is oftentimes, I mean, really oftentimes, people come to me, Piper, I have anxiety, Piper, I have um some trauma I need to work through, whatever it may be. But really, so often at the root of all of these pain points are interpersonal relationships. Always. In fact, I got an email this morning from someone I worked with years and years and years ago with coaching, and she said, Hey, can we talk? And I was like, uh unfortunately I can't counsel you. Um, but it was the same thing, you know, it's interpersonal relationships cause so much pain. And I hear it a lot of times with um, you know, young adults trying to break free from mom and dad. Mom and dad are like, nope, you have to give me deference, even though you're 28-year-old adult and married and moving on. Or I hear from um people, especially in the workplace, they have a lot of workplace angst and no, you have to defer to me, even though they're seeing this other individual just really not um be a person of integrity. So I hear this so much, so much, y'all, in the counseling room, and I'm facing it right now, and and it's it's really a struggle. It's really a struggle. So, what I want to say is there is this, there's this kind of battle, there's this battle that's going on that I want us to touch on today, and that's difference versus deference. So the the price of difference, right? What when individuals expect conformity at our expense, it's it's it it causes us a lot of a lot of pain. But you know as well as I do that today's society is incredibly diverse. It's vital to embrace all of our set our differences and celebrate them. Um, I love hearing people's stories of building businesses. I love people saying, hey, I'm totally comfortable doing what I'm doing right now. I I you know embrace and challenge my clients to go forward with their unique differences, characteristics, experiences, and perspectives, because it does contribute to this very rich tapestry of humanity. But then again, there are times when individuals have very unrealistic expectations and they demand our conformity from us and from others, and they undermine the value of difference, the value of what we bring to the table. And so I want to kind of explore the concept of difference and shed light on the challenges that people face when we're expected to conform at our expense, including including these people's narcissism that they attach, it's a narcissistic tendency, y'all. It is attached to people's expectation or their expectation of deference. So, again, I think it's so very important that we embrace difference. Difference is the essence of human existence, whether it be our cultural background, our beliefs, our appearance, our ideas, our diversity, it makes our world vibrant and beautiful. It also makes it very divisive. And I know you all know that. We hear this. I have very different views from a lot of my friends. Gosh, me and Dr. Blangy share different views on things. But what I love about she and I's relationship is that we embrace our difference. We don't allow there to be a division. And I I wish it could be like that more. Um, but it's also important that we acknowledge and respect different diversity. Respecting someone doesn't mean you have to accept everything they do. Does that make sense? I might have very different belief systems from somebody else, but I don't have to accept them. I think that's a big thing in our society right now, saying you have to accept me. No, I can love you as a Catholic Christian. I can love you for the human being you are, the humanity you are. I don't have to accept some of the choices that you're making, but but I think that there's this um the shift in language and what people have an expectation of rather than embracing the human being and saying, hey, I I love you regardless of our difference, but don't ask me to defer to you at the expense of my difference. Does that make sense? So when when we embrace difference, it means that we're recognizing that no two individuals are the same and that our uniqueness is a good thing for the most part. I mean, I'm talking generally here, but there are unrealistic expectations and narcissism. There are, and this is what I'm seeing right now, and it's got me hot under the collar. I hear this all the time with my clients, and I think this is something that we really need to dig into. Narcissism is something that we hear about all the time. People throw around, oh, he's so narcissistic. We need to be very careful with that. To diagnose narcissism, number one, is very difficult because narcissists don't go to therapy. Um, and so, but there are narcissistic tendencies, this self-absorbed tendency, this tendency not to be able to see outside of self. And it's an excessive self-centeredness. That's what it is, or it's this kind of grandiose sense of self-importance. And in, you know, these individuals, they really do think that they're entitled to special treatment and this unwavering deference from everybody around them, regardless. Listen, regardless of the impact on someone else's well-being and on the suppression of those other people. So why I'm so hot under the collar is too often I have worked for individuals and they say, Piper, we're so excited to bring you on the team. We love that you want to, you know, help us grow. We know you're the one to do it. Let's do the marketing. We want you to spearhead this or whatever it means. Or in previous relationships, they came to me for advice on business and all of those things. Then I want to work in with them, and I see then I'm like, I'm not deferring to you. You are a human being. I will respect your your authority that, hey, you're over me at this time, but I am not deferring to you as a lesser human being. And that is what's really ticking me off right now, people, is that people with this viewpoint of no, you have to defer to me at the expense of you. That's what just excuse my language, pisses me off. It is not okay for you to tell me I need to be less than to make you feel comfortable and good in your skin. I um had this professor, oh my gosh, he's wonderful. Actually, two men that I've had through my time at Liberty University, and I'm gonna call them out because I think they're extraordinary. Um, one was Dr. Michael Truxler, and he actually has a private practice, I think, in Minneapolis. Um, and then another one is Dr. Michael Rogers, and he's down in the keys. And I have loved learning from these men. And here's the reason why. And yes, this is gonna be like Piper, what are you doing? This is against the women. I'm not saying that, but what I'm gonna say is gonna upset some of you, and that's okay. Whatever, it's my podcast. Um, why I loved working um and learning under these men is because they taught in a way or they spoke in a way about their practices, about how they lifted others up. Yes, there are rules within a practice. I mean, obviously, I mean, we need to have a cohesive workplace, right? But but they lifted people up, excuse me, and did not expect this narcissistic conformity to their ways. And in fact, they were so encouraging of me. I they allowed me to email them, they allowed me to talk to them about some of my frustrations in the counseling field, which there are numerous. Um, they allowed me to come to them with like business questions, like how would you manage this? They were so extraordinary with encouraging me on my path. In contrast to some of the other women that I have had to deal with in this field. What I saw is the men, and I'm sorry, it is. I can't help but see this. These men that I worked with with my schooling were phenomenal, and they saw my difference and they valued my difference. Now, granted, I don't work for them, so maybe I don't know how that would go, but they encouraged my uniqueness, they encouraged my strength. Heck, Dr. Balanji does the same thing with me. She encourages me along this way. In contrast with other individuals where they wanted nothing more than to stop my guts out because I wouldn't defer to them. This is a narcissistic demand of conformity. Because what does it do? It inflates their ego, and what it is rooted around is a desire to control. Do I think that they're terrible human beings? Absolutely not. I'm not saying that, but I'm saying work on your stuff, work on it, stop expecting people to conform to your narcissistic demands, stop being um so insecure with someone like myself that has embraced their strengths and differences and say, I'm gonna go for that. Why would you not encourage that? Another individual that I've met here in Atlanta, she is awesome. She has a practice down in Sandy Springs, if you're uh familiar with the Atlanta area. And I'm trying to remember how I even got in contact with her. I just I can't even remember, it doesn't matter, but she's awesome. Um, and I can I'll list her practice in the show notes. Um, but what was really wonderful about learning about her when I was um interviewing different practices to move to, um, her model is where she brings on, like me, someone that's working on their two-year residency. And what she actually do does is she kind of mentors up the individual to branch into their own business. I'm telling you, you go on her website, you wouldn't even know she has people working under her because her whole point is lifting up these counselors and saying, hey, I want to teach you how to be successful in private practice. I want to give you all the tools. I see your difference, I see your strength, I see your uniqueness, and I want to celebrate it. I don't expect your deference. And oh, by the way, when you're done with your two-year residency, my expectation is you take every one of your clients with you. Y'all, this is very, very against the grain in the counseling field. I can't tell you the ugliness that I have seen in contracts, that they have these non-compete. Well, you can't compete within 15 miles of you know our business. Why? What are you afraid of? Or you can't take your clients with you. Oh my gosh, I remember I interviewed with a practice, like, you have to buy your clients back. And I said to him, I said, I'm sorry, what? You have to buy your clients back from us if you leave. And I'm like, how does that work? Especially with HIPAA. If I leave your practice, I can't share the information. So how are you gonna buy them back? How do I buy them back from you? It was so disgusting. I just looked at them, I said, This is not counseling, this is a disgusting practice. And again, when I see those contracts, when I see those things, all it speaks to me is you are so grossly insecure, and you don't want other people to embrace their difference, their strengths, and their abilities. And I'm sorry, that is something wrong with this industry, and I know that's in all kinds of other industries. I'm I'm talking about the counseling industry, and again, you guys can hear. I have I'm hot under the collar with this. It's really, it's really eating at me. There's um a wonderful gal on Instagram. I I felt followed her on Instagram, she's called the Private Practice Pro. Her name's um Kelly, and she talks about this a lot about that, you know, in the counseling field, we need to get over this. We need to get over this. Oh, there's no non-competes, and you have to buy back clients, and it's just this really ugly thing. It's like we are in a field taking care of people, but boy, don't let them see behind that door because they're going to see that you expect deference and you have some really ugly, ugly policies to create kind of an indentured servitude, and our clients don't know it. So, anyway, excuse me, I went off on a tangent there. Um, there are these narcissistic individuals or people with narcissistic tendencies, and really, what is narcissism? Narcissism is really rooted in this gross insecurity. That's what narcissism is, y'all. It's someone that has this just terrible insecurity, and so they build up this self for control, and so they don't have to look in the mirror and see that insecurity. So, what happens though is that they see any disagreement or differing on opinions or anything like that as a threat to their perceived, it's perceived superiority, and then what happens is they try to attempt to manipulate or undermine anyone who's challenging their authority. In the counseling field, I don't see a lot of the um full frontal kind of manipulation, but it is emotional, it is an emotional attack, it is an emotional battlefield, and and that's we right, we're counselors, we work in emotion, we work in feelings, and so what I find in the field, what I've I've been facing myself is it's very passive aggressive, but it is it is an emotional attack, it is an emotional war, and it's really hard to stay strong against it, it's painful. And so, what happens though is that these people, you know, they feel very undermined because you know you're challenging their authority. And this really, really, when you're in this kind of workplace or you're in this kind of relationship, it really creates an unhealthy, um, an imbalanced power dynamic in in all of our personal professional relationships and power. I want to say something about power dynamic. We all have relationships, and we all have times when one of us might be more powerful. That's kind of a weird word, but more in a place of I'll say we can help somebody more at than other times. Like, for example, with my husband and me, there are times where I need that man to be all in his power, y'all. Like I need him to hold me, I need him to manage things because I am I'm fraying. And then there's other times where he's looking at me like I am so gassed out, I can't do one more thing. He needs me to step into my power, but we we embrace our difference, we embrace that. But if you don't have that, and I hear this a lot of times in marriages when I'm doing marriage counseling boy, when I hear there's one person over another person, that power dynamic, that egoism, that narcissism that's coming into the marriage, that's an imbalance. And that leads, that leads, I'm telling you, to some really unhealthy things. So the impact of conformity um and narcissism is number one, it suppresses our authenticity. And I think that's what just ticks me off, is that you're trying to suppress who I am, who God made me to be. And hey, y'all, if you haven't met me in person, one thing I will tell you is I am 100% sure who God made me to be. And I will not stand for anyone telling me less. I won't. Is that deference? No, that's assuredness. I don't care if you believe in it or not. I don't care if you don't believe in God or not, that's fine. But I will not suppress who I am and who I was designed to be. So when individual individuals have this expectation that we conform to their narcissistic demands, they force this suppression of our true selves. They support they they're like, no, we don't want to see that. No, Piper, I don't want to see you succeed. And that that suppression, if we allow it, it leads to a loss of identity, it leads to a loss of personal fulfillment, and it leads to an increase in self-doubt and inadequacy. I have been that human being, and I have done the work like I ask my clients to. And when I said to Dr. Belenji the other day, I said, I will never ever be smaller for someone ever again in my life. I'm not playing that damn game. And that's why I want you to hear from me is that we can break from these individuals. Is it easy? No. Is it fun? No. Is it painful? Yes, it is so painful. But if you don't, you're suppressing your authenticity. It erodes that person that God created you to be. The other impact of this conformity, along with this kind of narcissism that comes along with it, is it in Involves manipulation and exploitation. So these individuals they use their position of power, whether they own the agency, whether they are a friend I should never have been friends with, whatever it is, they use that position to manipulate and exploit whoever doesn't defer to them. And what happens is they completely disregard their rights and the needs of the other people. They always, always prioritize their own desires and maintaining control over all of those around them. Now again, are they all disgusting, awful human beings? No. At the core of it, they are scared and they are insecure. They are. And so when I get hot under the collar like I am, I have to pray through this, y'all, because I am angry today. I guess I need to process this more. I am, I don't like this. I don't want to be suppressed. I don't want to be manipulated. I don't want to be exploited. And when people do that to me and I see them do it to others, I just want to fight. Like stop it. Work on yourself. I know you're not a bad person, but come on, look at your crap and stop putting it on everybody else's. The other thing that happens, the other impact of conformity and narcissism is it's an erosion of trust. So when we're subjected to these kind of narcissistic demands for deference, the trust erodes. And not even just between the two parties that are involved, but pretty soon we start accepting this unhealthy kind of dynamic in our lives. And we we feel this constant pressure to be different and to conform. And all of a sudden we're afraid of our environments. All of a sudden we're suspicious of every single human being there is out there. All of a sudden, we feel more insecure. We have self-doubt. We have lack of self-worth. We have all of these things. And it really, really, this erosion of trust in self and others, it erodes our ability to build meaningful connections and to pursue what we were designed to be and to do. I know there's so much division, and you should defer to me, and you should defer. I don't know. I don't know what the the right answer is with all of them. I don't. All I know is when I'm facing it right now in my life, like, stop it. Work on yourself self. And here's the thing, guys, if people would just embrace the difference and support individuals that choose to, like, I'm saying, you know, break out in the counseling field or whatever, and they supported them, like that gal I told you about here in Atlanta. Oh my gosh, you're making the world such a better place. Rather than you just demanding deference, I mean, don't you give yourself heartburn? I mean, come on, that's gotta feel terrible. It's just it's gotta change. Okay, so how do we navigate these kind of expectations from people, right? You hear me? I'm angry. I obviously have to uh do some more processing myself, but you know, I don't want to leave you just with listening to Piper rant and rave. But how do we navigate these expectations from these individu individuals in our life? Because listen, we're always going to face people like this, always. So we have to figure out how to navigate it. We have to understand, you know, what are our guardrails and how do we not become this ourselves? Because we're all prone to it. I recognize that. I I recognize that at times in my life, I want people to defer to me too, because I just think I'm so smart. That's a tendency all of us have. We all have ego. Um, you know, in in church, our they say the greatest sin is pride because pride leads leads to every other choice that could get us in trouble, right? And I agree with that. When pride is involved, oof, it's a it's a it's an ugly thing. Ugly thing, whether it's a real pride and a real pride in self or it's this contrived pride that you know is that egoism, that narcissism that comes along with it. So, how do we navigate expectations of these individuals? It really is essential, it's absolutely essential that we prioritize self-acceptance and authenticity. So, self-acceptance is um what I want to say with that is you're truly looking at yourself. Y'all, you cannot still be standing in an echo chamber and expect to see your real self. I'm sorry, it doesn't work that way. I surround myself with individuals that are not all like-minded because I recognize I need to learn from them, I need to see myself through their eyes. But if you're standing in an echo chamber, come on now. You don't really know who you are. I'm sorry, you don't. I you just don't. Um, so all that to be said, we do have to prioritize ourselves and recognize our authenticity, our strengths, what we bring to the table. So here are a few strategies, some simple strategies for us to consider when we're looking at this. Number one, number one, you have got to set boundaries. You have to establish clear boundaries and communicate assertively with these individuals, very clearly expressing your limits and your own expectations, and really refuse to compromise on your integrity or well-being. So, with setting boundaries, this can be a hard thing, especially for individuals that have never done this before. Oftentimes I work with individuals. Um, I've talked in other podcasts about attachment stylings. They're typically um my anxious attachers, they are people pleasers, they are very, very high achievers, but it's really centered on I'm really trying to gain people to love me, please love me, please love me. And so they really don't know how to set boundaries. So this is this is difficult. This is very difficult. So often when we're in the counseling session, we sit down, we talk about the different interpersonal relationships, and we we really kind of problem solve what are some boundaries that we can set in place. Let's not do like these giant ones because sometimes that explodes in our face, but let's step into some smaller ones. So a small boundary might be for someone saying, um, no, I'm sorry, I can't take that additional um, you know, work assignment at this time. Um, you know, I just I don't have the bandwidth, I don't have the room for it. Or it might look like something like, well, um, somebody's challenging them. Well, you have to come over and help me with X, Y, and Z. You know, parents, I hear that a lot of times with aging parents. And it might be, hey, mom, dad, I love you. And um I hear that you're you're struggling with whatever you're needing right now. Um, I'm busy today. I can be with you Friday between 1 and 3 p.m., whatever it is. Those are some boundaries that we can step into that aren't so like, oh, this is scary. Now, what I'm talking about with me, when I left these certain agencies, this was a clear boundary. I will not be um subjected to to conformity, I won't be subjected to suppressing um who I am, I will not be subjected to your insecurity that comes out in passive aggressive nature, this emotional bullying. I'm not doing it. Um, and that's why I left. I set those boundaries. I said enough is enough. Um, and they don't like that, and that's okay. And what it does is it puts a giant bullseye on my back, and okay, I hear you, I see you, but you would expect to have boundaries in your life for yourself, for your protection. Why can't I? So, number two, number two, what we can do for a strategy is honestly seek support. Reach out to your trusted friends, your family, professionals who can really provide that that support and guidance in in dealing with these individuals. Because it's it's difficult, especially, especially, I have this with a lot of clients, um, when it comes to our parents. If we were raised by a narcissistic parent, borderline, any kind of those personality disorders, um it's really painful. It is so incredibly painful because not only are you navigating this this egoism, this deference that they expect from you, but your child, you who you are, I guess some people call it the inner child, but who who you are as a child of this parent is longing for why isn't my mom love me? Why doesn't my my dad love me? Why can't they be a normal parent? So it's incredibly, incredibly painful navigating this process when we have a parent that has some mental illness. Um, and and so navigating those expectations of a parent and and having still those those parent roles, it's hard to create boundaries and all of that. So seek support, really seek support. Having a network of support can really help you maintain emotional and mental well-being. It really can. And I, you know, we talked about before one of the impacts of conformity is we lose trust in other people. I mean, um, Dr. Romini, if you guys have never heard of her, she works with narcissism, but she said one time that narcissism is the secondhand smoke of mental health, meaning every single one of us is touched by a secondhand smoke of narcissistic tendencies. It's painful, y'all. I get that. I get that. This is very painful. So finding and seeking support rather than hunkering down and stopping to um, you don't trust anyone, whatever it is, and that's normal, we all have kind of a snapback. Um, but really find that network of support because it really will help you face these challenges. The third thing is that we really need to build resilience, build resilience by focusing on our strengths, our self-worth, develop and nurture our qualities of self-compassion, courage, assertiveness, and it'll do what it'll do for us. It was it will help us withstand the pressures of this conformity, this you have to defer to me. Developing resilience is is so key. There's been a lot of research done on resilience that a lot of people they um call post-traumatic growth or post-traumatic resilience. That a lot of people, if you can work through these scenarios, it actually builds resilience. But you have to focus on I'm going to grow through this regardless of the bows and arrows and the rocks that are being slung at me. I'm gonna grow through this and focus on those qualities of myself, the differences in myself that I really truly believe are wonderful, beautiful things that God gave me, and I'm not going to continue to defer to you at the expense of me. So developing resilience is enormous, enormous. And so it's it's really kind of shifting that script of they're bullying me, they're picking on me, what am I gonna do to hold on a second? Why are they bullying me? What is it about me that has them so so tied in knots? That is one of the greatest questions I've had to ask myself over the years. What is it about this situation that has them attacking me so hard? I'll never forget. I worked for a weight loss company. I was doing um behavioral nutrition for them way, way, way back in the day. And I mean, I guess it's like four four years ago, but that seems like a lifetime, maybe five years ago. Anyway, I I digress. Um, I was leaving the company, and um, he was 100% a narcissist, let me tell you. Ugh, and lying and scheming, and that's why I left the company. And excuse me, hopefully nobody heard that. Um that. Um, but it what was interesting when I was leaving the company, he said something to me. Um, and I'll never forget it. He goes, Piper, don't you forget I made you. Oh y'all, when I heard those words, when I heard those words, I was like, I'm done. Talk about a person that's so grossly insecure that they don't want to see my beautiful differences. They don't want me to succeed. And in fact, what they want to do is bully me so much and try to make me think that I am nothing without them. Well, hey, buddy, if you're listening to me, look at me now. What was that goodwill hunting? Look at that. Look at them apples. Is that what he said? Yeah, that's how I feel about that individual. So, anyway, develop resilience. You've you've got to withstand those pressures of conformity. This is a painful process. So, number four, a strategy that you really need to incorporate when you're dealing with these kind of individuals, whether it's personally or professionally, is you've got to seek professional help. Period. The impact of this narcissism, this egoism, this manipulation, exploitation, it's too overwhelming to do on your own. So consider professional help. I work with my clients building boundaries all the time. And we we literally talk out conversations, we role play, we talk about what are the scenarios that could take place. So we take the fear out of it. We take the fear out of them, you know, keeping boundaries and and walking in their difference and not and not going to the exploitation of deference. And so we practice it, we practice it in in therapy sessions. So therapists and counselors, we can provide the guidance and the support in navigating the complexity of these interpersonal interpersonal dynamics. Um, I've worked with my husband, I've worked with my therapist, I work with Dr. Balange. I mean, I have a core group of individuals that I can go to when I am feeling particularly vulnerable or I'm feeling particularly unsafe and say, okay, I'm losing sight of my beautiful God-given difference, and I'm starting to defer, and I'm losing self in this. I need help. And so it's so important to develop the resilience to seek professional help, set those boundaries and seek support. It is so, so, so important. That's why when my clients come in and we work on these sorts of issues, um, the difference versus deference. And when I see them start to step into their boundaries and start setting them, and I watch them go, oh my gosh, I feel so much better, y'all. I can't even tell you. I'll be sitting in session and all of a sudden my hair on my arms sticking out, and I'm just like so proud of them. Oh my gosh, can you believe you just set that boundary? Oh my gosh, did you just hear the words out of your mouth that you are worthy? When I hear someone say to me, I am worthy, I don't need to deal with this anymore. I am on fire for them. I mean, my heart leaps with joy and hope for them. And that's what I want for you is that we do not have to play into this deference. Are you gonna be bullied? Absolutely. Why are you being bullied? Because they see that wonderful, beautiful you and it scares them to death. So, in closing, in closing, you know, the expectation of conformity at the expense of one's difference, it's detrimental. It is, and it's particularly detrimental when there's narcissism attached to it, and that narcissistic expectation of deference. It doesn't mean that the person's a totally awful human being. No, it actually means they're grossly insecure, but it doesn't mean you have to feel so bad that it's at your expense, right? And so it's really crucial for us to recognize and challenge these unrealistic expectations, standing up for our difference, standing up for our authentic self, standing up for, hey, I know this is good for me. I'm sorry you don't like what I'm doing, but I'm not doing anything unethical, I'm not doing anything illegal, you just don't like it. Sorry. Sorry. So we've got to stand up and foster healthy relationships. Surround yourself around people that have mutual respect and genuine genuine connection. Dr. Balange, I talked about Dr. Trexler and Dr. Rogers, this gal down in in Sandy Springs. I've got other therapists that I can't even tell you. They mean the world to me. Because you know what they do? They champion me. They say, Piper, we see your beauty too. We're not, we're we're not um at all worried about what you're gonna steal from us. We want, we want to see you grow. We want, and you know what? I'm gonna put everybody's website, I'm gonna put all of their information in show notes because I want those individuals to hear from me, you are incredible. Thank you for encouraging me in my journey. Thank you for allowing me to grow into who I am today. Thank you. And I have to remind myself, and I want to say this to y'all too. If you were only surrounded by these people that have that expectation of conformity, this deference, defer to them, you really need to start looking at what is it about this group? Why are you in it? If it's every single individual, I would say you're attracting them. Number one, number two, I would say you do not think much of yourself. Please, you don't have to be surrounded by these individuals. There's power and authenticity and healthy relationships. There is. So foster those healthy relationships that are built on mutual respect and genuine connection. And they champion for you, regardless if they think it's gonna steal for them. Come on. So by prioritizing your authenticity, setting boundaries, seeking support, developing resilience, we can all navigate the challenges that are posed by these individuals that have this expectation of deference, and we can embrace the power of our unique selves. And when we do that, we start attracting people that want that for themselves and want that for their life. So this podcast is gosh, maybe it's more for me. I just processed on air, didn't I? Maybe this is for me. It definitely is for me. But I want you to hear this is that difference before but versus deference. I say embrace the difference. The deference, those individuals, I know they're scary. And at times I get so tangled in knots, so worried. What if they do this? What if they do that? What if they do this? And I have to take a step back and go, hold on a second. This isn't actually about you. This is actually about their insecurity, and they they don't know what to do with these feelings. Let them deal with their junk, you move on in your authentic desires, strengths, all of that. So, whoo! It's a lot, y'all. This is a longer podcast than I've done in a while. Make sure you go back and listen to the prior podcast, All Hail Deference. I think that was episode 30 from two years ago. I bet y'all I was pretty riled up in that one too. But let me know what you think about this. I would love to hear from you. Um, send me a message, whatever you would like to do. I would I would love to hear what you think about this. And um, we will talk next time. That brings us to the end of this episode. Thanks so much for joining me. I hope you learned some tools that can equip you to continue to untangle life's challenges. If you're curious about working with me for anxiety or stress-related disorders, head on over to my website at untangledmind.net to connect with me and schedule a counseling session. If you've enjoyed the show, please rate and review me on your podcast listening platform and share it with your friends and family. As always, thank you so much for listening to Untangled Mind Podcast. I appreciate you, and I will talk to you next time.