Welcome to the Untangled Mind Podcast, and I'm your host, Piper Harris. Today's podcast is unlike all the others. Today I am opening up my heart. I'm being vulnerable. I'm pretty darn emotional, but I felt it was something to share with you. We're digging into emotional FOMO, approval seeking, and what it does to cause us pain, but also how we can find our strength, our overcoming, and what I like to call glory. So tune on in. So if you've been following me on any of the social media, you've been seeing that there has been a countdown to my graduation. So I'm graduating with my master's of clinical mental health counseling, and it's been an arduous journey. I actually decided to do this in the middle of COVID. So I'm finally done three years later. And some of you know that every morning I try to get up and I'm a believing Catholic Christian, and I get up and in the Catholic faith we have daily readings. And specifically on Sunday, today is Sunday, we have a reading from Old Testament, a reading from the Psalms, another reading from the New Testament, and then a gospel reading. So why am I sharing this? Well, in addition to the readings, reading different scripture, then they have something called reflections. And it's basically a devotional for my Protestant uh believers. And what was interesting is we read today Matthew 17, 1 through 9. And this is where Jesus goes up onto Mount Tabor with Peter, James, and John, and he becomes transfigured. So for those of you that aren't um believers, this just means that um we believe in our faith that um Jesus is both God and the Holy Spirit. So when he went up to the mountain, this is before he died on the cross and and um came back from death, he was transfigured, meaning he became um just ethereal, I guess you could say, really bright light. And Peter, James, and John um saw Jesus talking to um Moses and Elijah, who are Old Testament figures that pointed to Jesus. So all that to be said, um the individual that did the the the um devotion, I guess you want to call it, um, he titled it overcoming FOMO. And I just kind of giggled at that. I'm like, what? How does that have anything to do with with today's reading? And as I listened to it, what he was saying is that, you know, Peter, James, and John were up at the mountain, but Andrew, who was one of the apostles, was not included, or at least he's not mentioned in scripture. And you know, Andrew is the reason that we have Peter. Andrew introduced Peter to Jesus, and so you know, he talked about how oftentimes, you know, we feel FOMO, fear of missing out. And he said, I wonder if Andrew felt that. I wonder if he felt this missing out, and what happens to us when we have this fear of missing out? What does it do to us? And so, as I'm listening to it, um, I finished up and I always spend some time journaling. This is something that a practice that I've been doing for I can't even tell you. I've probably gotten five dozen journals. Um, and I keep them, and there's a reason. One, because I go through them maybe once a year and I see where I was, where I am today. Have I um grown? Um, I reflect on the times that have really failed and how I want to become a better person at that. I also write these journals and keep them because I really hope one day that my boys will read them. There's some embarrassing stuff in there. There's stuff in there they probably don't want to read about that mom and dad did. Um, but I want them to read it because I want them to see the journey of my life and that there was pain, there was sorrow, but there was enormous growth and joy. So I keep them. And so this morning I was doing my typical um, you know, journaling. And um, you know, one of the things I was just kind of jotting down is, you know, have I ever felt left out? And the answer is absolutely. So then it jumped my mind back to some conversations that I've been having the last couple days. Um, if you listen to my last podcast, it was about deference, and I I was really angry. Um, and I will say that the anger subsided, but now that's what's left over is fear. I mean, here's the reason is that um my site supervisor and I are going off on this endeavor together, and it's pretty spectacular, it's pretty amazing. But what happens with that is it's made people really angry. And so she and I used to work for the same practice. And when I left the practice way back last year, um, unfortunately, people were stalking my website, stalking my LinkedIn, all of those things, and it created um a real fear and it was very hard to break free from. Fast forward to now, we're in August, and the same thing's happening because she left the practice, and I believe it's because she left with me. And so it's really had my mind tied up in knots. And in addition to that, I think you might have heard on the last podcast is that there are parts of this counseling industry that make me very angry, and it's not just like a just being angry, like I tell my clients you have to name it to tame it. So I need to clearly define what my anger is. What my anger is related to is injustice. What my um anger is related to is um the hypocrisy that I see. We we say we're these counselors and we want to love on individuals, yet we abuse those that we work with. And so my anger is rooted in the injustice and the hypocrisy. And so, with all of this, this last couple weeks, I've just been doing a lot of my own personal reflection. I don't know why people want to come after me. It's it's heartbreaking. I don't like it, and frankly, it scares me. It doesn't feel good. Now, is there is this a legitimate fear? I don't think so. What are they actually gonna do? Nothing. Um, I guess they could try. Um, but with that, too, I think that as a um business owner going into my 12th year, is this is hard work, y'all. This is really hard work. And I've been working so hard on this master's degree, and I'm working so hard to grow my client base at this new practice. I'm I'm really tired, and then my mind is being pulled to these people, and at the root of it, my husband and I had a big conversation about it yesterday. At the root of it, I'm like, why don't they accept me? Why not? And as I'm listening today's scripture and today's devotion, the reflection, the fear of missing out, isn't that what my striving toward acceptance actually is? The fear of missing out. Why won't they accept me? Well, if they don't accept me, what am I missing? Is this fear of missing out on what? The fear of missing out on maybe friendships, maybe community, the fear of missing out on approval. Am I approval junkie? Yep. Yep. I hate it, I hate it about me. And as I was journaling this morning, I was thinking about where did this come from? And my husband said to me, he said to me, he's like, you are seeking approval from others. And in the face of the approval from those that love and care for you. In fact, yesterday I was talking to my professor, Dr. Rogers, and I really admire the heck out of him. You can find his practice in um the last podcast show notes. Um he's amazing, he's a brilliant clinician, he's a fabulous teacher, but he's also a successful businessman. And I have learned so much from him. And I shared my heart with him yesterday and just said, I'm really struggling. I'm struggling with this. I'm struggling with why are people doing this? I don't understand. And just telling him, I'm I'm tired. This stinks. He said to me, Piper, repeat after me. I'm like, okay. And he says to me, Um, how do you say it? Uh, what people think of me, and I repeated back what people think of me. And he says, is none of my business. And I repeated back with a giggle, is none of my business. And thinking about that, thinking about the conversation I had with my husband and then this morning journaling this, oftentimes my journaling, it's my process. I do therapy on a preventative basis, kind of like going and getting my oil changed. I started therapy back in 1997. Yeah, 1997. And I did some, you know, week on week on week on week of therapy. And now I'm to the point where I get my little booster sessions when I need them. So my journaling provides me the opportunity to process some of these deep pains and hurts, um, you know, outside of the therapy room. And as I was journaling this and thinking about my conversation with Dr. Rogers and thinking about my conversation with my husband, and then reflecting on, oh my gosh, I'm almost done with this degree, like days away. I started thinking about this FOMO. And what has my FOMO done for me? It the FOMO, the fear of missing out, truly is that approval. Why am I always approved wanting approval from those that I know will never get give it to me? I know it comes from a deep childhood wound. I know that I've done the work, I know where it comes from. I've forgiven those that are part of that wound, but it's still there. It's an attachment wound. I know that my relationship with Jesus has healed it, but then my lazy brain just tears that open. And I need to look to the Lord. But in that, I have to do the reflection. That's why journaling, I think, is so good for us. I have to reflect on what's what's going on. So as I reflected on it this morning, this constant approval seeking that's still causing me pain today. I actually was thinking about this master's degree. I can honestly tell you, I've I was called, if you guys um have ever heard the story, I won't share it today, but I was called to being a therapist in fourth grade. In fact, I wrote about it. I was asked to write a chapter in a book a few years ago, and I wrote about it. I can see the day in my mind like it's a video plane. I know exactly what happened that day. And so I've known for so long, fourth grade, that this is what my calling was. This is what I had to do. Boy, I took a long route to get here. But when it came to me starting my master's degree, yes, I wanted to be a therapist, but can I tell you approval seeking was at the heart. When I started my master's degree, it was I'm gonna prove my family wrong. I'm gonna prove to them that I'm smart. I'm gonna prove to them that I'm capable. I'm gonna prove to them I can be successful. And as I say that, I worry, what if my family listens? And if they're listening, I I know you guys love me and I know you approve of me. I've done the work. There's I I I I just I want you to hear my heart. We create narratives in our mind. And that's the narrative that I've been running from, whether it's logical, rational, or even true or not. So, family, if you're listening, please hear my heart in that. But I can tell you that starting my master's at the root of it is approval seeking. At the root of it, it's that fear of missing out. If I don't get this done, will they actually love me? Will they actually approve of me? Will they actually be proud of me? Y'all, what in the world was I thinking? But that's what I started. And as I was journaling this morning, I can tell you my first year of school was awful. In fact, I'll never forget, uh, probably about three months into school, my head of hair erupted with whites. Even my friend said to me at the time, she's like, Piperite, I think you might be doing too much. Your hair's literally turning white. It was really weird. I can tell you, my first year of school, I was two to three weeks ahead in homework and papers in my masters. Who the who does that? I was two to three weeks ahead. I focused on every single point I was given, and I fought on every single point that was taken away. I was like, no, I am going to get that A. And then I decided to change universities and I wanted to transfer to Liberty University. It was a much better fit for me, but because I didn't have a good undergrad um GPA, which again, part of that acceptance thing. You're an idiot Piper, you couldn't even get a good, you know, GPA in your undergrad, you're so stupid, you know that narrative. Um, but I did a year at the other university and wanted to transfer to Liberty, so that's where I wanted to go. And they'd finally let me because I proved myself for a year with a 4.0. So I transferred to Liberty, and then they come back to me and say, you know what? We know you want this, but you can't come yet. You need to have statistics. And I am telling you, every fear came rushing to the surface. And this morning, as I'm journaling it, I'm breaking down in tears because something you don't know about me is me and math don't get along. When I was younger, I couldn't understand it. My parents paid so much money for um tutors, they paid for a hypnotist. And all I heard was, Piper, you're an idiot, you're stupid, you're never gonna do this. And so all these fears came just rushing back to me. And it was really painful, it was a very painful process. I got it, I got it done, and liberty allowed me to come into the university, and I'm so so blessed to be graduating in a couple days. But again, what is at the root? It was a root of uh approval, the fear of missing out. I'm gonna miss out on something, I'm gonna miss out on um, you know, people really seeing my worth, really seeing how amazing I am, and it caused me so much pain. And even today, as I journal, it causes me so much pain. Why do I do that? It doesn't make sense. So I guess the reason why I felt like it was important to share this just short podcast with you all is do the work. I can see where this comes from. I know why I have that fear. I know that it's rooted in deep attachment trauma wounds. But what I also know is I'm coming out the other side. What I also know is that my relationship with Jesus is truly the only thing I need for approval. I have to keep reminding myself of that. But it's the only way I can breathe. It's the only way, excuse me. It's the only way I can overcome insecurities, seeking approval, even others. And it's something that I'm allowed to keep going back to and saying, please help me be strong. So I graduate with my master's degree. First of all, I don't suggest doing it in your 40s, it's really hard. Um I have just a few days. And although I started it with seeking this weird approval, I can tell you that I am so dang proud of myself. I'm tired, I have more wrinkles and more grace. And yeah, I still fall prey to why can't people be nice? Why don't people accept me? But I did it. And what I want to say too is that when we fall back into our negative thinking, and again, this comes back to my CBT stuff, do the work, look at where it comes from, reframe the thought. My reframing of this thought of approval seeking, fear of missing out, people loving me, not loving me, whatever's going through my mind. I have to reframe that and say, Piper, what have you done? Who do you have in your life that loves and adores and supports you and approves of you? And remind myself that oftentimes the lies that run through our head, oh man, they're so much louder than the truth. Why do we do that? Why are the lies so much louder than the truth? You know what I think the reason is? Because if we truly, truly listen to the truth, it gets us on our knees and starts us praying. Maybe that's why we're allowed pain. Maybe it's why we're allowed suffering. In fact, in today's reading, it said something to the effect of without suffering, there's no glory. Isn't that the truth? I suffered through this master's degree. It was hard. I learned a lot. I'm so grateful. And the glory is that I can reflect on it. I can share my heart with y'all. That's the glory. And the glory is I I pray that I honor every human being the Lord brings to my office. And I just gotta quiet those lies. I've gotta quiet that approval seeking. All it does is hurt me. I gotta quiet that fear of missing out. Why do I care people like me? It's stupid. Because there's plenty of people that do. So that's my heart this morning, y'all. That's it in a nutshell. I'm starting to hear my family waking up for the day. This isn't your typical podcast that I do. I know it. But my heart was just bursting. I'm sitting here crying and thinking, do I really want to put this on a podcast? Do people really need to hear this? Maybe not. You might roll your eyes, and that's okay. Turn it off. There's probably somebody's more entertaining. But I just wanted you to hear that I get it. I get it. Sometimes those lies are so deafening. And it just breaks our heart over and over and over again. But I know in the suffering there's glory. And I get to see it in a couple days. So have a blessed week. If you're interested in the readings that I'm talking about, write this down. The first one is in Daniel, the book of Daniel. This is the Old Testament, chapter 7, verses 9 and 10, and 13 and 14. Daniel was a prophet and he saw visions. So you're gonna read this and go, oh, whatever. Just keep your mind open. Then the next reading is something we call a response psalm. And that's Psalm 97, verses 1 through 2, 5 and 6, and 9. Then reading 2 is 2 Peter chapter 1, verses 6 16 through 19. And then finally the gospel reading. This is Matthew chapter 17, verses 1 through 9. And this is really where the um devotional was telling you about was based on. And this was Jesus's transfiguration. They seem just fantastical, like this would never happen. But what I can tell you is in a very small, tiny, microscopic way. This happens to us when we accept Jesus. He transforms our life. So I can sit here and I can pour out my pain on the pages of my journal, but I'm transformed through it. So I hope this leaves you with something to think about. Have a blessed week.