Hi, my name is Piper Harris, and welcome to the Untangled Mind Podcast, where I help you untangle your mind to untangle your life's challenges. In today's episode, I talk about obstacles and how often perception is our reality and how to apply realistic tools to overcome those obstacles. Thanks again for joining the Untangled Mind Podcast. Let's dig in. Hello, hello, and welcome to 2024. I can't believe it when that we have hit a new year, but also this is my fifth season. So that's a lot of fun. It's kind of neat to listen to my old podcast. It's like a narrative of my history and what's been going on. And um, so I'm just really grateful that you all are tuning in for our fifth season. Lots of fun there, but I really want to dig into today's topic because it's really top of mind based on my day yesterday. So yesterday, um, well, I guess backtrack a little bit a couple weeks ago. My husband surprised me with a birthday present. I'm hitting 45 here in a couple weeks, and um been really wanting another tattoo and um just haven't come up with a design that I really loved. Um, it's been about, I don't know, five years since I had my last one. And um anyway, he surprised me and I went and had a tattoo yesterday. And so um what's great is the guy shout out to Rubicon Tattoo. Um he uh and my husband have known each other for about a decade, um, and we had a really interesting conversation, and that then came home, and then my husband and I continued the conversation. So I really want to dig into it with you guys today. So, have you ever heard the saying that says, What stands in the way becomes the way? Have you ever heard that? What stands in the way becomes the way. So, this is like a central um theme you can say in Ryan Holiday's book, The Obstacle is away. If you've not read it, it's a fabulous book. I really love the book. I go back to it often and read it. And this quote is really a testament to the fact that setbacks and challenges that we face are not really or should not, or we can view them differently, not as roadblocks, but opportunities for growth and learning. So, as a counselor, you know, I've studied a lot of various therapeutic methods to help people navigate their life's challenges. But CBT, as you all know, I find is the most effective and potent tool in this regard. So CBD, CBT, not CBD, wrong podcast, CBT encourages us to not only examine our thoughts and our emotions, but how that influences our behaviors and that's how that it has an interplay, an interplay between those things. And it can really truly, if we work on reassessing and reimagining and examining these thoughts and emotions, how they can really turn these perceived barriers or obstacles into stepping stones. So a quote from Holliday's book says the obstacle is a way. He also says that we choose how we look at things, we retain the ability to inject perspective into a situation, we can't change the obstacles themselves. That part of the equation is absolutely set. But the power of perspective can change how the obstacles appear. So, simply put, our perception of these obstacles or challenges matters more than the apps the obstacle itself. So this brings me to my conversation I had with my husband last night, and he and I often revisit this conversation because we just disagree on it. Um, I have the blessing of being married to him almost 20 years, and we're very opposite in a lot of different things. We're the same on the important things, and so we have really intriguing conversations. And so the conversation that we have is that my husband does not believe in the saying perception as reality. He does not believe in that. He says, no, there are concrete realities. And so he and I go back and forth on this. And so this was what kind of fed this idea for today's kickoff podcast for the year. So I believe the lit the world that I live in as a counselor, um, I believe um this idea of perception is reality. It's the that it's true. It's the per the premise, it's a reality. The the perception is somebody's reality. Whereas he's saying, no, there is reality, there is no perception of the reality. It's anyway, it's it's gobbledygook as I say it out loud. So, but the the fascinating aspect of perception is that it really does, I believe, shape how we understand the world around us and how we live in that world. And I see this on a daily basis in my practice as a therapist, but also like with my kids' lives. I do see this taking place. So people come in carrying this weight of these perceived realities, these beliefs that are tangled in knots about who they are, what they deserve, and what their futures potentially hold. And my goal is to help those clients to detangle those perceptions and learn to create healthier, more vibrant, and abundant realities for themselves. So CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, teaches us that the way we perceive or think and feel about an incident, an incident, a trauma, whatever it is, can greatly impact our responses to it or our behaviors. Sometimes, though, what happens is we become trapped in a cycle of negative perceptions. And that is really where my work begins as a therapist. So what I do is I gently guide clients into stepping back and taking a fresh look at their perceptions so we can unravel, you know, these really intricately intertwined threads of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that they have that they have now, and we reshape them to create their new reality. So, for example, I had a client that came to me last year and she had endured multiple complex traumas. And so in our field, we have PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder, and although it's not in the DSM, we call it complex PTSD, meaning that it wasn't one singular traumatic event for this woman. It was a lifetime of traumatic events. It began in childhood where she was sexually abused for most of her life. Then it went through her, you know, high school college years where she endured multiple rapes. And then on top of that, she had a history of promiscuity. It was um uh a history of such painful um sexual pain. And um, I remember when she came in the office, it was just this look of um, you know, I well, what she would say to me is, this trauma is me. This trauma is my reality. And I wanted so desperately to help reshape that perception of her current reality, what she believed it was. We we can't change the experiences, right? Like Holiday said, we cannot change the obstacle or the challenge, but I can help her to reshape that perception of who she is based on those experiences. So when she came to me, she was caught in a current of fear and confusion, shame, disgust in herself. And so during our sessions, she would absolutely insist that her reality was that she was defective and unlovable. Truly. Um, she she hated herself for having um, you know, sex with you know, multiple men in one weekend. And she had this perception of I am so defective, so I'm just gonna go throw my body away. And the and what I had to work with her on that, one of the first things is then why do you keep sharing your body? What are you seeking? What's going on? And so um it was just it when I first met her, it was just um, oh, my heart broke for her so much. And so she continually lived on this edge of panic while almost like absent-mindedly giving her body to these men and really did not have a lot of recollection, which in the trauma world, um, this is disassociation. We won't get into that today. Um, but it was just dangerous and unending and threatening, and her life was just laden. It really was with grief and this inability to believe that um healing and happiness and contentment could be part of who she is. So, as a CBT therapist, my job was to help her to untangle her perceived reality from this very substantial, um tangible life circumstances that caused such great pain. And so gradually we moved forward, peeling back the layers of her fear and trauma to unearth um this incredible woman that she is. And so through CBT techniques, we began to kind of challenge those perceptions to confront fearful triggers in a very controlled safe setting, excuse me. So this was through exposure therapy. And oftentimes what I explain to my clients when they come to me, especially when they've got traumas, is that we need to focus on the trauma, the crisis that brings you here today. So we start with the narrative process, the exposure process. Um, we just desensitize the brain to these memories that are causing the fear, causing the behaviors, um, creating this false reality, uh, belief in self. So we go through that process and um there's data points that go along with the exposure process. And when we see a lessening of the severity of the PTSD symptoms, um, most notably the avoidance, what we start seeing is that then the brain is starting to heal. It's moving these very traumatic memories from a place in the brain where they are very alive to a place where it's just a memory. So I say to them, we're we're working at these memories, we're making it a memory rather than re-traumatization every time you think about it. And so when we do that, then we get to really dive into the beauty of the CBT world where I often say to my clients, you don't think about your thinking. I'm gonna help you think about your thinking. And so we have to do that foundational level of, you know, self-regulation, learning soothing. Then we go to an exposure therapy, and then we get to go into this abundant world of CBT. And it is, it's a slow process, but I'm telling you, the journey, um, it's such a poignant reminder of the strength that lies within us and that trans that transformative, excuse me, power of altering our perceptions. Her story is this testament that trauma can truly fog our lens to the world, but through these kind of nurturing therapeutic interventions, we can really clean that lens off and begin to see life uh more abundantly, more beautifully, like technicolor, really. And although her reality was that those events took place in her life and caused great harm and damage in her life, by re-narrating and resolving those traumas, she's now able to perceive and live a new reality that's anchor anchored in healing and relief and hope. And I can tell you, she did the hard work a couple months ago. I I always reassess and I because I want to prove to clients. Oftentimes they do the work and they think, I'm not getting better. And I can say, Hold on a second, I can prove it. I think that's so very important in the counseling world that we can say to the clients that this isn't just how you feel. Feeling is not always factual. And so I want to show you proof is in the pudding. And so we did her reassessment, and she does not even ping my um PCL5. That's what we use for PTSD. She's not even on it anymore. It doesn't even register as a positive screen. I mean, we both sat there and cried. And so again, we had to rewrite this perception that she was defective and unlovable, and we had to do that by untangling this, these awful traumas that actually happened. But then what started happening, kind of like Holliday said, is that she started looking at those obstacles as um a way through. Rather than avoiding looking at them, rather being so fearful of them, rather than hating herself because of them, she started viewing those obstacles, those challenges in a very, very different way. Now, again, I understand there are folks out there like my husband who question perception isn't reality. Reality is concrete and fixed. So while physical reality is indeed measurable, like what I do with my clients, and it's relatively stable when we can see our reality, there's relative stability in certain things. Um there's, you know, for like I would say like mental and emotional states, it's relatively stable for some people. It is absolutely impacted immensely by our unique perceptions. So I want you to think about yourself about um, say, for example, all of a sudden your mood, your mood shifts. Um, what's going on? It might catch you off guard. And then all of a sudden you're perceiving maybe you're grumpy, maybe somebody looks at you the wrong way, and you're perceiving everybody's looking at you at the wrong way. Um, when I had some pretty significant body image issues, I perceived everyone as judging me. I mean, to the point where I'm like, is there something in my teeth? Um they see my fat roll, like I I struggled so desperately with that. But that was my perception of reality. That was not actual reality. That that's not what was going on. And so who's right? Who is right? Is is it perception is reality or is reality reality? Those asserting that reality is distinct from perception, or therapists like myself, we see the power of perception shapes reality daily. So the answer may just be that we're both right. You know, we're right in our own ways. Reality exists, yes, but our experience of it is profoundly colored by our own perceptions and the space in which we're at at that time. So altering those perceptions can really significantly reshape our lived realities. So, how does one change their perception towards obstacles? That's really the crux of this. We're in 2024, we've set our goals, and we're like, okay, how do I do this? Well, we need to think about the obstacles because we're all going to face them this year. So here's where techniques from ACT, acceptance and commitment therapy, comes in, which encourages you to accept your reality and commit to the actions that enrich your life. So there's this psychologist, Dr. Victor Frankel, he wrote Man Search for Meaning. I love that book. I used to hand it out to all my clients. I just uh couldn't afford to keep doing it. Um, but he says between stimulus and response, there is a space. And in that space is our power to choose our response. So in our response lies our growth and our freedom. So what he's saying is there's a stimulus. There's uh this is our behavior stuff in the CBT world, there's a stimulus that leads to our action, our response. But what we can do is take a pause in between those rather than being a victim of just responding. So this quote beautifully aligns with the principles of both of ACT, which is a third-wave CBT technique. And it kind of provides us with this tangible tool of pause, reflect, and choose a response that aids our personal growth. So uh way back in the day when I was doing executive coaching, I was working with a woman who had a hard time when she had to do presentations with the um, um, um, you know, you've you've listened to those speakers um, um, and it drive it drives me nuts. And in it's not because they're doing it to annoy us, but most often it's because, well, their adrenaline's really high, they don't know how to use that energy, whatever it may be. And I taught her a really basic tool between the stimulus of what she was feeling. You got to get up on the stage, you've you've got to do this talk, and she's feeling the adrenaline, right? Rather than her response being um, um, um, because of the nerves and the adrenaline and all those things, I told her, breathe, take a five-second count, just breathe. And we would practice it. We would go back and forth in role play until we got to 10 seconds, then we got to 15 seconds. And as we all know, silence kills everyone, everybody. But you have to calm that nervous system in order to adequately present to these individuals. So it's it's it's a very silly example of what Victor Frankel's talking about here, but truly, between stimulus and response, there is a space. And we have the power to choose what to do in between that space. So we have personal growth. So think about that. That tangible tool, pause, reflect, and then choose the response. You do not have to be a victim of your behavior. And yes, it sounds super easy, it, you know, but it's not. It's simple, but it's not easy because we are uh prone to just do what our brain tells us and our patterns of behavior. So another really essential tool in CBT that I love is cognitive restructuring. Okay, it's it's a big, you know, long phrase, but really what it means, cognitive restructuring is really like tidying up your mental house. And it's a skill absolutely anyone can learn. And again, you have to practice it just like pause, reflect, choose a response. You have to practice cognitive restructuring. So, with cognitive restructuring, imagine your brain is kind of like that junk drawer in the kitchen. I know you have one. We all have one. Please tell me we all have one. So it's really like that drawer in the kitchen, that everything crack drawer that drives us all nuts, but we throw everything in there and we can find stuff once in a while. But over time, we all know it gets so cluttered. This is like you. It becomes cluttered with your beliefs and thoughts, and they don't serve you anymore. So, cognitive restructuring is about going through that drawer, taking a good look at what's in there, and deciding what we want to keep and what may best be best for us to let go of. So, how does that work? In its most simplest form, cognitive restructuring involves four steps. Number one, you identify, identify. So you start naming and recognizing your negative and unhelpful thoughts. This can be something like I'll never get over this pain, um, I'll always be in love, um, I am always gonna be fat, whatever it is. Um you have to identify those negative, unhelpful thoughts. Step two is to challenge, is to challenge. So once you've identified that a limiting thought, it's time to really put on your investigator hat. Um, examine that thought. Is this true? Is this true? And can um I absolutely know for sure this is true. How? Prove it. So, for example, can you absolutely know that you'll never get over your loss? Can you absolutely know that? Can you absolutely know that you will never, ever, ever be loved in your life? Okay, here's perception versus reality, right? Let's think about that. So, number three, number three is replace. So we've had identify, challenge, now replace. The next thing you're gonna think about and really investigate and be a detective with is um a more accurate or beneficial replacement. This is not rainbows and unicorns. I am not talking about standing in front of the mirror lying to yourself. That's not what this replacing is. This has to be a realistic replacement, a realistic placement. So are you really unable to heal from the loss? Or is it more than you're um that you're having a hard time seeing what the healing looks like just yet? Are you really unlovable? Or is it at this moment, this challenge you're facing in time is causing you immense pain? Is it unlovable or is it the obstacle? So you have to really look at it and come up with a more supportive thought that's realistic. For example, healing for my loss is a process and it's okay for me to take my time. Again, this is not rainbows and unicorns. That's not what this is. And so I say that to my clients. They say to me, Well, I want to be perfectly well right now. I've done all these things and nothing works. I do my affirmations, it doesn't work. Well, that's because affirmations suck, but they don't actually work and they don't do anything in your brain. Read the research on it. Because they're not replacing it with a realistic belief or thought that their brain actually believes. So stop doing rainbows and unicorns, replace it with a realistic thought. You have to really replace it that way. So the fourth step, the fourth step is practice. So ultimately, our thoughts become habitual patterns. They just do. So the key here is repetition. Try to catch yourself when those old thoughts crop up and it takes a very long time. But again, practice really makes the difference and consciously in that moment create those new, more positive, realistic ones. So the four steps for cognitive restructuring, let's go over those again. Identify, challenge, replace, and practice. So those are a couple of different tools. We've got with the ACT, which is a third-wave CBT technique, excuse me, and that is pause, reflect, and choose a response. And then we go to cognitive restructuring where we identify the negative unhelpful thought, we challenge it, we replace it, and we practice it over and over and over again. So obstacles, yes, they can be daunting, but remember you have within you the strength and resilience to face them. And through CBT or ACT, these are just a couple different um areas or tools that you can use to change your relationship with your obstacles and for you to stimulate personal growth. So bringing it to a conclusion, each hurdle you meet in your life is not just a roadblock, but rather it's a stepping stone. Look at that way. It's not a roadblock, it's a stepping stone. It's an invite invitation from life itself to learn, to grow, to stretch your spirit so that you um can reach things that you never thought possible. It's okay if the path feels uncomfortable and unsettling at times. In fact, it should embrace it. After all, it is during the most challenging times when we're slogging through the mud that we realize just how strong our legs are, right? When we're slogging through the mud, when we're going up the hill, we get to the top, we're like, wow, I'm actually stronger than I thought. So remember the nature of our hurdles is often by shaped by the perception of how we view them. So a touch of CBT wisdom to share with you is that your perception shapes your reality. It just does. Sorry, hubby. I'm sorry, I think our perception does shape our reality. So hold on to hope and allow it to color your perception with the shades of strength and resilience. And while you're at it, don't let go of the belief, belief in your skills, in your ability to untangle even the messiest of things. And the reality is that you invariably do have, the reality is you invariably have the capability to shape your life. You hear that? There's the reality. You invariably have the strength, the courage, the resilience, and the capability of reshaping your life. So keep moving, keep exploring your journey. Our experiences and our emotions are really they're a valid part of all of us, and they deserve to be heard, to be felt, and to be respected. And in those moments, truly, when you feel like you might have lost, um, remember that you're not alone and that we can navigate this path together side by side. So, obstacles, how our perceptions may shape our world. I want to hear from you. How has your perception of your life to this point helped with the obstacles you face or hindered you? So, thanks so much for joining me. I'll talk to you next time. That brings us to the end of this episode. Thanks so much for joining me. I hope you learned some tools that can equip you to untangle your mind and untangle your life. If you're curious about working with me for anxiety, trauma, or grief, head on over to my website at untangledmind.net to connect with me and schedule a counseling session. If you've enjoyed the show, please rate and review me on your podcast listening platform and share it with your friends and family. As always, thanks so much for listening to the Untangled Mind podcast. I'll talk with you next time.