Hi there, my name is Piper Harris, and welcome to the Untangled Mind Podcast, where I help you untangle your mind to untangle your life's challenges. I'm a mental health therapist in the suburbs of Atlanta, Georgia, and an expert in third-wave CBT for individuals with anxiety, trauma, and grief. On today's episode, I discuss why your positive affirmations are not working. We'll be discussing the psychological reasons behind this, cognitive biases, and practical applications that are rooted in CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy. Thanks again for joining the Untangled Mind podcast. Hey everyone, it is so great to be back on with y'all. It's uh just been a year. I can't believe it's been so long since I've done a podcast. I'm great uh grateful to be back. So let's hop into today's conversation. So as a therapist, um, I'm obviously I'm on social media. I see kind of some of the stuff that comes up, and I also hear things in the counseling room. And one of the things that comes up, and I shouldn't giggle, but one of the things that comes up quite often uh here in the office is people saying, Well, you know, my positive affirmations, I'm practicing them, but I I don't feel anything. And I giggle and I say, well, that's because they don't actually work, and we have a discussion about that. And listen, I see this a lot on social media with life coaches. And listen, I'm not bashing life coaches. I went through the coaching field before I went back and got my master's. Um, I think the thing that I really struggled with some of it is the fluff. I think that's what positive affirmations are. They're very fluffy. And I am definitely not a fluffy therapist, and I wasn't a fluff a fluffy life coach either. I've always been rooted in CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy. So the positive affirmation thing just never spoke to me. I had friends over the years that oh, you need to practice your positive affirmation, say three positive things to yourself in the mirror every morning, and I just thought it was bunk. It never worked. And so I'm seeing this more and more, and I think it's not because people are trying to be fluffy, they're they're trying to be uh shallow at all. In fact, I think people are really grappling with what's ailing them, what's happening in their mind. And so we see positive affirmations, we see positive affirmation journals, we see people talking about it on social media, so surely it works, right? Well, it doesn't. So today I really wanted to discuss why positive affirmations actually don't work and what you can do to effectively change how you think about yourself. And listen, when we change the way we think about ourselves or our situations, we have uh a massive power and control in managing our life, our trajectory of our life. So this is very important. If you are frustrated with positive affirmations not working, there's a reason. And so today I really wanted to dig into that. What I will say, and my clients have heard this many times, I am not a fluffy therapist. Um, not to say that that's not great for some clients and some therapists, that's great. Have at it. Um, I don't believe that a client should come to me and pay money for me to fluff them. I'm not your fluffer, I'm your therapist. I worked really hard to become an expert in this field. And if you're sitting here lying to yourself and I hear I'm hearing those lies, I'm gonna tell you because otherwise you're wasting your time, you're wasting your money, and I don't want that for you. I want you to make change in your life. I want you to reach those goals and have true, authentic, um, intrinsic worth. And I just don't think that can happen if a therapist is sitting here constantly telling you that everything you're doing in your life is wonderful and amazing and everybody's out to get you. I'm sorry, that's just not true. There's always two people in a story, and so let's hold you accountable to those things that you need to be held accountable to. So, all that to be said, I am not fluffy, so you might be getting some of that today in the podcast. My clients know this about this, about me, so they're fine with it. So let's talk a little bit about um the research, the actual psychological research behind affirmation. So it's obviously very popular. We see this in the self-help culture. Um, a friend of mine, and I can't remember what he called it exactly. There's a uh quote, but saying that it's like saccharin, this help help self-help culture, that we get this sugary sweetness, but we're left starving days or moments later, hours later. There's no sustenance, unfortunately, to some of this self-help culture. And positive affirmations are absolutely like that. They're very sweet at first, but then we're left empty and starving for more. So research findings have really found that positive affirmations can actually have a backfiring effect on you. So there was a study that said that um in about 2009, and I'll make sure to uh post the references in show notes, but that people with uh low self-esteem actually feel worse after repeating positive self-statements. So that's some of the research that came out when people were thinking, why aren't these affirmations working? Another explanation could be something called the self-discrepancy theory. We're gonna talk about that a little bit more, and that's the gap between your current self and your ideal self. And um, more emphasis is on what we need to put more emphasis on is the importance of evidence-based approaches in psychology, CBT, because positive affirmations don't work. Self-help doesn't work. I have another client that told me about a gal that he was dating and she had a ton of self-help books. And I thought, okay, that's great. She's an avid reader, she's seeking, but the more I hear about people having stacks and stacks of self-help books, why do you have to keep buying them? What's going on? Where are the actual tools that you're utilizing every day? So you don't have to keep buying a $20, $30 book and you have a bookshelf full. Well, again, it goes back to self-help, positive affirmations leave us hungry for more. So let's go back to some of the psychological research on why your positive affirmations aren't working. So I mentioned the self-discrepancy theory. So this was introduced by Troy Higgins or Tori Higgins, excuse me, a psychologist. And they developed this self-discrepancy theory in 1987. And the theory that focuses on the differences between various self-states, how these discrepancies, excuse me, affect our emotions and our motivation. So there's three types of self. There's our actual self, number one. So this is the representation of the attributes that you actually believe that you possess. Okay, so that includes your current behaviors, your traits, your roles. So that's your actual self. The second type of self is your ideal self, and this represents all the attributes you would ideally like to possess. So that includes your hopes, your aspirations, and your goals. And it's typically shaped by your desires and ambitions. So often, this is what people come into counseling with me saying, This is my actual self, and I'm really hoping to get to my ideal self. These are the goals, and we work really hard to delineate what that ideal self look like. Now there's a third type of self called the ought self, O-U-G-H-T. And this represents all those attributes you believe you should possess that include your duties, obligations, and responsibilities. And those can be shaped by society, it can be shaped by your family of origin or pressure from you know significant others. So there's the ought self. Okay, so three types of self. We've got the actual self, the ideal self, and the ought self. So there's certain types of discrepancies that can actually help happen between our different selves. And when we do our positive affirmations, this is where we get tangled up, and our brain's like, What are you doing? This makes no sense. So let's talk about the types of self-discrepancy. So one uh type of self-discrepancy is between actual and ideal. Okay, so this actual ideal discrepancy of self. So this happens when there's a gap between your actual self and your ideal self. Now, listen, we all have gaps between our actual self and ideal self. That doesn't mean you're a disaster, it means you're striving, you're you're growing towards something. However, when you become kind of entangled in this, is for example, you might actually see yourself as very shy. So your actual self, but you wish to be more outgoing and confident. That's your ideal self. So there's emotional consequences when we have this discrepancy between actual and ideal. Sometimes, for that example, you might have feelings of disappointment or dissatisfaction or frustration because of unmet desires. And so, for that example, I've actually had into individuals that are highly introverted and they've said things like, Well, I just wish I could be. And so we go through this. Well, why do you wish it could be? Why is the grass greener on the other extroverted side? We have a lot of discussions about that because that discrepancy between who you are and who you believe your ideal self is is actually the thing that's causing you pain. So a second type of discrepancy is between the actual and the ought. Okay, the actual and the ought. So this happens when there's a gap between your actual self and your ought self. So you might see yourself as not very responsible, so that's your actual self, but you believe you should be more responsible, the outs ought self. So emotional consequences of this are say feelings of guilt, anxiety, maybe agitation, because there's a perceived failure for you to meet those obligations or responsibilities. Now, if you listen to me, the ought is in relation to the should distortion. Should, ought, must. Um, and this was brought about by the ever famous Dr. Ellis, and he said, you know, with with the uh ots and the shoulds and the musts, you're it he calls it masturbation. You're working away, it's very gross, I know, but you're working away at who you think you should be. And so that I always tell my clients, when you hear a should coming through your mind, that equals shame. So you're always going to have a discrepancy or a pain between actual and ought self. So when we think about the impact of these, you know, self-discrepancies, it really has a negative impact on those supposed, you know, positive affirmations that you're you're trying. So it's when they actually backfire on you. So positive affirmations, what they can do is highlight the gap between the actual and ideal self. So that can backfire, right? So, say if somebody has really low self-esteem and they keep repeating, I am confident in the mirror every morning, they might focus more on the disparity between their current insecure state and the desired state of confidence. And this can really lead to an increased awareness of shortcomings, and it really intensifies those negative emotions. So, another thing that can happen with these self-discrepancies on positive affirmations is it can cause some pretty significant emotional discomfort. So there's something called cognitive dissonance, and this is when there's this mismatch, a really significant mismatch between your affirmations and your deeply held beliefs about yourself. And so what the brain does is it attempts to resolve this dissonance, this this you know uh discrepancy, dissonance, and it what happens is the brain actually ends up rejecting the affirmation and it reinforces the negative self-view. So affirmations backfire. So for example, suppose someone has a really significant actual and ideal um discrepancy, like uh in terms of let's say career success. So the actual self maybe is currently unemployed or in a job that they dislike. The ideal self wants a dream job and a prestigious company. I am seeing this so much right now with my young 20 somethings. This is, I don't know what it is. There's an enormous influx of these kids that come in. I'm sorry, I know you're young adults, but you're much younger than me, so you're a kid. Um, but what I'm seeing that's coming in is they say to me, Well, you know, I think I'm amazing, and I don't understand why I can't have this perfect job over here. Or I just graduated, why can't I get everything I want on the ideal list? And I just kind of look at them and go, because everybody has to eat crap once in a while. Like that's just how it is. You you don't deserve a CEO position when you haven't even finished six months delivering pizza. Like that there's a mismatch, there's such a dis discrepancy between actual and ideal. It it's it's wild to me. In fact, I saw something the other day about a young woman who uh did a TikTok. Y'all get off TikTok. Stop stop making videos, it's there forever. But all that to be said, she she did this video about how upset she was that she was fired from her position because she was always late. But she wanted to call it um time blindness. It's all these terms that everybody wants to call something, their crap behavior, their poor choices, it's some sort of disorder. And listen, if you don't like what I'm saying, turn me off. I don't care. But listen, you need to learn how to manage your time. It's not time blindness. You're just not good at managing time, but there's it's not a disorder. Get a freaking alarm clock in your phone, do something. But anyway, that's what I'm saying. This gal was complaining about she couldn't believe that they fired her and that they weren't willing to support her time blindness. It was really one of the stupidest things I've ever seen in my whole life. But again, that's to illustrate when we see these huge discrepancies between actual and ideal self. So it's really important, you know, when you start repeating in this affirmation of I am successful and I have a fulfilled career, or I am successful and I can, you know, get whatever career I want and make $200,000 out of the gate, it it's not true. And then what happens is it can make that person, that individual, acutely aware of their current dissatisfaction and lack of progress. And then what do they do? They go on TikTok and make a ridiculous video and they don't understand that they're just continuing dissatisfaction, but they go to TikTok because surely there's someone out there that feels the same way, and then you get an echo chamber and you find the people that everybody's time blind and you know whatever it is. But it it's it really is actually increasing, increasing and triggering those deepened feelings of inadequacy, helplessness, and rather than motivating you and giving you positivity, it's the complete opposite. Okay, so there really is um importance in aligning our aligning, excuse me, our affirmations with actual, real, achievable goals, and we do this with like intro incremental progress. You can't come in here to me and you have severe anxiety that leads to panic attacks three times a week and say, I want everything to stop and I'm never gonna feel this again. Okay, when? I need it done in the next 90 days. That come on, you've had a lifetime of anxiety. We have to unlearn behaviors, we have to learn what's happening in your body. There's so much to learn, but people really do have that, and I understand why. Because they're they're driven by pain and discomfort. But we have to, we have to make real goals, real relevant, specific goals, you know, our SMART goals, what is specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-bound. Okay. We we have to do that. But if you're not doing it, you're you're playing into uh increasing your distress levels by doing these affirmations, they just don't work. So we really have to bridge that gap between the actual and ideal selves through realistic actionable steps rather than these silly positive statements. They don't work. So what we have to do is it has to be done. We have to make a change at understanding our thought patterns and our our beliefs, okay? So what happens though is again, positive affirmations don't work, and it's gonna take steps. I'm gonna tell you how to get there, but we have to talk about all the things that are getting in your way, and just please stop wasting money on those affirmation journals. They do no good. They do no good. Um, so anyway, uh another reason why affirmations don't work is because we have cognitive biases. Um, you can listen to some of my other podcasts about this. All of us have cognitive biases. Our brain is very amazing, but it's also very lazy. Um, if you want a really good book to read, you I really suggest reading Thinking Flass Fast and Slow, excuse me, by Caneman. He talks a lot about biases in there. Um, but what happens with our cognitive biases is that they impact these positive affirmations. The first one being is that we all have confirmation bias. We've heard this a million times. So it's really the tendency to search for or interpret and remember information that confirms our preconceptions. So, for example, if you ignore negative feedback while focusing on any positive aspect that seems to affirm your self-statement, does that make sense? So you're ignoring the negative feedback by only focusing on the positive self-statement. You can see where I'm going with this, why it doesn't work. The second bias is what we kind of talked about a little bit earlier, is that cognitive dissonance. So it really is this mental discomfort that we all experience when we're holding two contradictory beliefs. So an example of that is feeling uneasy when you're saying, I'm confident, right? You're you're internally feeling grossly insecure, but you're looking in the mirror and saying, I am confident. Who was that on Saturday Night Live? Was it Smalley? Wasn't that, you know, I am wonderful standing in front of the mirror? It just doesn't work. Um, the other bias that I've talked about in previous episodes is the negativity bias. And that's the brain's tendency to focus more on negative experience than positive ones. So if the affirmations are not strong enough or believable enough to counterbalance your ingrained negative beliefs, you're just wasting your time looking in the mirror and telling yourself how wonderful you are. It won't work, it truly won't work. And here's the thing: our brain absolutely detects inconsistencies. The brain's role is to protect us against false beliefs. I mean, really, and this is to protect us. This is not just for mental and emotional protection, but this is for our physical protection. If you're constantly saying the world is a wonderful and beautiful place, and you're walking through a jungle without, you know, a machete, you're gonna get eaten by a puma. I don't know. Just came up with that. So, you know, the brain detects inconsistency and it really is a survival mechanism. And its role is really protecting us, excuse me, those consistencies, but those false beliefs. So there is a concept called um self-integrity, and it impacts the effectiveness of your positive affirmations. You know, listen, affirmations are like a magic wand. People want it to be a magic wand. And the misconception really is that simply repeating statements cannot create change. Um, and so the brain recognizes these false beliefs, and again, there's this concept of self-integrity. So self-integrity refers to the sense of being morally adequate and coherent self. Okay, it is a perception as yourself as being good, virtuous, and a competent individual. It encompasses our overall self-image, self-worth, and our alignment with our core values and beliefs. Now, on a side note, our beliefs can change, our values remain pretty solidified. If you've never done a value sort, I really suggest you do that. Most people know what they believe, but beliefs can change based on who are around, maturity, all of that. But values are so very important. So if you've never done a value sort, you need to do that. So the role of self integrity in affirmations is that for internal it has to have internal uh consistency. So for an affirmation to be effective, it has to align. With your internal sense of self-integrity. Okay, so self-integrity, like we talked about, this encompasses your overall self-image, your self-worth, and your alignment with values and beliefs. So if your affirmations conflict with your personally deeply held beliefs about yourself, your brain rejects it to maintain internal consistency and self-integrity. I know you're trying to better yourself, but you can't do it by flimsy positive affirmations. The other thing that happens with this self-integrity, we talked a little bit about it, is cognitive dissonance. So when affirmations contradict your self-integrity, the dissonance occurs. So cognitive dissonance really does create mental discomfort when you're holding two very contradictory beliefs, values, or attitudes. The brain's natural response is to resolve the dissonance, um, usually by reinforcing the existing beliefs rather than adopting this new affirmation. For example, I have seen cognitive dissonance really, really create enormous pain in people's lives. I see this a lot in grief. Um, a lot of people might lose a loved one, a spouse after many, many years. And what happens is they almost take on a different persona, they won't look at the grief. So oftentimes this is in risky behaviors, including sex, lots of sex. And that's not to degrade them at all. They're seeking comfort, they're seeking the most intimate bond. But what happens is the self that was married has not grieved the loss of the spouse. That self also holds different values than sleeping around and sleeping with, you know, uh 10, 15 men and women a week, right? So you're in dissonance, and then what I see come in here is they're falling apart. They they uh can't eat, or maybe they're eating too much, or they're drinking too much, or they're not taking care of their kids, or they can't get up for work. And what I'm saying to them, I'm looking at them, I'm like, you are stuck in cognitive dissonance, and your body is saying, knock it off. You are paralyzed, you're stuck in this anxious loop because you have two different selves that are inconsistent with who you actually are. So there's a contradiction of self-integrity. So here's another example, uh, say for low self-esteem. A person with low self-esteem, they come in, they believe they're unworthy, and they might use um the affirmation, I'm worthy and deserving of love. Now listen, you are absolutely worthy and deserving of love. Okay, you are, but if this belief is too far removed from your current self-perception, your brain might reject the affirmation just to protect the self-integrity, and that increases your feelings of unworthiness. Ouch. So ask yourself as you're doing these positive affirmations, how are you actually feeling about yourself? What's going on? Are you feeling better or are you feeling worse? If you're feeling better, how long does it last? Okay. Number two, I see this a lot with the executives I work with, is imposter syndrome. So, say somebody comes in and they're experiencing some pretty tremendous impostus imposter syndrome. They might use affirmation like, I am competent, I incate, I am capable. Now, if their deep-seated belief is that they're a fraud, this affirmation can create conflict. And what it actually ends up doing is it reinforces the feelings of incompetence because the brain, again, is striving to maintain the integrity of self-image. Oof, right? Ouch. So there really is some research that supports this idea of self-integrity, those three types of self. So there's self-affirmation theory by uh Steele, 1988, I think. So Claude Steele's self-affirmation theory suggests that people are motivated, and I've been talking about this, to maintain self-integrity. So again, when you're faced with information that threatens your current level of self-integrity, you're more likely to respond defensively unless they can affirm another aspect of their self-confidence concept. Does that make sense? So if your brain is faced with um a not true part of self, right? It's threatening the self-integrity, it becomes defensive. It's it's on the defense, it's trying to eradicate it. So you have to affirm yourself with an aspect that is congruent with your self-concept. So it really does explain why often affirmations are just they're too distant from someone's actual current beliefs and can be absolutely counterproductive. So that's why they don't work. It's a lot, isn't it? So let's talk about how we can become more aware of our thinking and how we can actually take some steps to help ourselves rather than these fluffy positive affirmations. So, what we really need to step into is thinking about thinking. I say this every time I start with a client. I tell them, with our informed consent, I say, most of you don't think about thinking, but we are going to learn to think about thinking. And so this is actually called metacognition. So metacognition is the awareness and understanding of your own thought processes. It involves thinking about how you think and learning about how we learn and being aware of our own cognitive patterns. That's why it's so important for us to recognize how we think about our thinking, how we think about selves, how we think about the world. It is so important. So there's some components of metacondition. Um, there's metacognitive knowledge. So that's understanding your own cognitive processes and knowing about strategies that can aid in learning and problem solving. So, for example, that might be recognizing that you learn better through visual aids rather than auditory information. I remember I read um Dr. Caroline Leaf's book. I'm looking over at my bookshelf right now, ther uh, Think, Learn, Succeed. And she talked a lot about how we learn, and it was so crazy for me. I was reading through it, and she says, you know, we're not just an auditory learner or a visual learner, there's a process that we go through. I was like, okay, this is interesting. And we go through this process, and I remember thinking, I don't know if this is true, because I you take this little test or whatever, and this little quiz to tell you how you learn. And it said that for me to actualize learning, I have to move. I'm a kinetic learner. I was like, okay, I don't know if that's true. And so once you know the next day, I don't know, I was reading something, I was stuck on something, and I just like, ugh, and I got up and I started walking down the stairs. I'm midway down the stairs, and guess what? I fixed the problem. And I stood there and I'm like, well, wouldn't you know? And Dr. Leaf knew what she was talking about. I am a kinetic learner. So again, metacognitive knowledge is fascinating. If you pay attention to yourself and you actually choose books that are just self-helpy, that are actually teaching you about the brain and our thought processes, it can make an enormous difference in your life. So, metacognitive knowledge is understanding your own cognitive processes and the strategies that you can use to aid in your learning and problem solving. Pretty cool stuff. So there's also mega meta, mega, metacognitive regulation. So this is um when we're monitoring and controlling our cognitive activities in a learning process. Okay. So basically, what this means is we can plan how to approach a task, we know how to monitor our progress, and we also know how to adjust our strategies if need be. So it's regulation, it's helping us manage what's taking place and how we approach these processes. So the importance of metacognition is number one, it provides self-awareness. You have to think about thinking. Um, Dr. Peterson, Jordan Peterson says that um it's one of the most painful things to think about our thinking. And he's right, but if you're not thinking about your thinking, you're just kind of floating around. So metacognition enhances your self-awareness by allowing individuals, you, to recognize and analyze your thought patterns. And it helps us in identifying negative and unproductive thinking and habits that are actually hindering your personal growth. Okay? What also happens with metacognition, why it is so vitally important for you to think about your thinking, is it improves your problem solving. It enables you to problem solve by encouraging a reflective approach to challenges rather than just falling prey to old ways that don't work. So, what it actually does is it promotes your adaptability and flexibility in thinking, and it leads to more effective solutions. One of uh things I learned from Dr. Romini, she says the most uh mentally healthy person is a person that is flexible. When you have flexible thinking, you are more effective as a human being. You're more effective in relationship, you're more effective at your job, you're more effective at taking care of self, you're more aware of your beliefs and values. So it's so wonderful. It helps you improve problem solving. What metacognition also does is it enhances our learning. It really does allow us to deepen our learning by encouraging us to think about how we learn best and excuse me, apply appropriate strategies. Listen, I'm it sounds clinical, but isn't that everyday life? We need to think about what's taking place, learn, and then adjust course if we need to. That's life. So it really does support lifelong learning and growth and continuous personal development. Is that not why you're seeking this positive affirmation movement? You want personal development. You want personal growth. So rather than the fluffy journal, let's try these things. So let's talk about practical applications, and I'm going to end this. We're going to talk about some practical ones. Uh, listen, you can go through a lot of what I have on my website. I have a lot of different um, you know, resources for you that are absolutely, absolutely going to enhance your sense of self-integrity. It's gonna help you create those smart goals that actually make a difference. It's gonna help you break away from these positive affirmations that are actually just making you feel just really hungry after you do it. Okay. So practical applic application journaling. Yeah, okay, I said the positive affirmation journal. Journaling's different. Keep a thought journal, okay? So, with this, I have a, I think I have a couple of these on my website. If not, message me, I'll send you um uh a worksheet that helps you kind to kind of use in your journal. So, what this is, you keep a thought journal and you track and reflect on those daily thoughts and emotions. Now, here is the important part is that while you're journaling, you really, really need to think about or learn what is the cognitive distortion that's currently in place. We all have cognitive distortions, and that is what is keeping you in that discrepancy between selves. That's why your positive affirmations aren't working. So, when you're doing this this journal, this thought journal, you need to identify your thought patterns. You need to identify what are my thoughts and what emotions are linked to this. What I want to say, you've all heard this, feelings are not facts. Emotions and feelings are automatic, but it doesn't mean that they're factual. They might have been filed away incorrectly in the part of your brain. Okay? So when you're journaling, it's going to help you identify those patterns and those areas of negative thinking. Then what happens from that? Remember, we're doing metacognition, we're thinking about our thinking, and then we work toward reframing. Positive affirmations are not reframing. And if I hear one more life coach say that, they're absolutely wrong. Positive affirmations are unicorns and rainbows. They're idiotic. Your brain is too smart for them. Reframing looks at your cognitive distortion, it recognizes it's you recognizing how you're applying it to your life, it's you dismantling that belief, that thought, understanding where it came from, understanding how it served you, is serving you, or hasn't served you, and is actively reframing it. So if it's if your your cognitive distortion is um uh a generalization, uh maybe it's, you know, I'm I'm a loser and I'll always be a loser. Okay, if that's if that's your your cognitive distortion, and remember we have to have actual reframing. It can't be this huge discrepancy between actual and ideal. So when we reframe that thought process, rather than saying, I am wonderful and the world loves me, what we say is, I see how I'm feeling right now, and this thought is no longer serving me. I recognize that I hold on to this thought because at times it serves me in the sense that I just want to stay home. So you're looking at how thoughts serve us and take away from us. Listen, you're holding on to your anxiety and your depression because it serves part of you. Plain and simple. I know it causes you pain, but there's a reason you hold on to it too. Okay. So you're naming this is what it does to me, this is the pain it causes, but this is the reason why I still hold on to this. So if I believe everybody hates me, then how do we reframe this? Well, what we do is we maybe do some behavioral experiments. We go to our parents, do you hate me? Okay, maybe they do. You go to the grocery store bagger, do you hate me? And they're gonna look at you and go, No, I don't even know you. But again, what you're doing is you're reframing the thought. Even Joe Schmoe, that's a stranger, is like, I don't even know you. Why would I hate you? So you're already, already disconfirming your distortion. Do you see that? So reframing is not fluffy. It is not fluffy. We actually have to work through those distortions, and then we have to practice a new um level of self-integrity, a new belief of self. Not ideal, because if there's too much of a discrepancy, it's not gonna work. So maybe what we do when I have someone that has that kind of generalization, we work with rather than everybody hates me, I'm gonna go eat worms. It is I am a place where I don't necessarily like myself, but I'm working toward a better self. And knowing if I work toward a better self, I will attract better people. Do you see what I'm saying? So we walk through it. There's actual steps, we do uh behavioral experiments, all of the things. So another uh practical application is mindfulness practices. Um, MBCT or M B M C B T, too many acronyms in this dang world, is really being mindful, mindful of what's taking place in your body. So you really have to cultivate that present moment awareness. Rather than doing these fluffy positive affirmations, and I guarantee you you're doing them, but uh there might be something in your body telling you it doesn't believe what you're doing. I guarantee you. Anytime I tried this, like when I was in my 20s, I literally felt like I was gonna come out of my skin. My body was telling me, Piper, you're an idiot. This doesn't work. So pay attention, engage in mindfulness meditation, and you've really got to work on cultivating present moment awareness because cognitive distortions are rooted in the future and rooted in the past. And what it does, then it makes your future seem dire and terrible. So you have to use mindfulness practices to enhance your ability to observe your thoughts without judgment and reduce, I'm not saying eradicate, reduce automatic negative thinking patterns. So there's another technique, it's questioning techniques. So ask yourself reflective questions. Um, why do I think this way? Or what evidence is there that I I have this belief? What's the evidence? Or, like I said, behavioral experiment. Go ask somebody. So when we have questioning techniques, we encourage the critical thinking. Remember, thinking about thinking, and it challenges our rational beliefs. There is no critical thinking with your positive affirmations. None. No critical thinking. That's why you have a bookcase full of self-help. Because you're not doing the hard work. And I recognize that you are in absolute pain. I understand this, but you are going to continue to be in pain if you keep reaching for those fluffy books. It's just how it is. So when we're doing that, there's other approaches. You can do cognitive restructuring, and again, that's identifying and disputing these irrational beliefs, behavioral activation. We talked about that, behavioral experiments, thought records. You could do gradual exposure, and that's facing your fears and building that confidence up through those small manageable steps. And, you know, asking for help. Gotta ask for help. If you are, these positive affirmations aren't working for you. Ask for help. So, metacognition, thinking about our thinking, is much more powerful to improving your self-awareness and fostering a change in your life and thinking and behavior than your positive affirmations. And by becoming more aware of how you think, you better understand yourself and you can modify your thought patterns. And it will align with goals and values. But you gotta do the hard work. You gotta do the hard work. So, again, today we've talked a lot about why your positive affirmations are not working and they will continue to not work. And I just I hope you just turn off those coaches. Listen, they're not bad people, um, but they're not doing you any good. They're not doing you any good. If the work that you're doing on yourself doesn't cause you pain, then you're not doing the work. In fact, today I read a quote and shared it on my social media of a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor by Franklin Delano Roosevelt. There's no way that you are going to reach, well, I don't think you're ever going to reach your ideal self on this plane. I just don't believe in that. But there's no way that you're gonna have any sense of contentment if you are constantly thinking that life needs to just give you everything, and it shouldn't be hard. And some of you, I understand, all life has been is hard. And I don't have a reason behind that. I don't know why it's always been hard for you, but you have a choice. You can either take part in fluffy affirmations, or you can look at it and say, Okay, so there's a skill I can learn here. I'm gonna continue to grow, and so I gotta jump into this rough Cause there's no such thing as a smooth C. There's just not. So jump on in and think about your thinking rather than standing in a mirror and doing these fluffy positive affirmations. That brings us to the end of this episode. Thanks for joining me. I hope you learned some tools that can equip you to untangle your mind and untangle your life. If you're curious about working with me for anxiety, trauma, or grief, head on over to my website at untingledmind.net to connect with me. If you enjoyed the show, please rate and review me on your podcast listening platform and share it with your friends and family. As always, thanks so much for listening to me, Piper Harris with Untangled Mind Podcast. I'll talk with you next time.