Welcome to the Untangled Minds podcast. I'm Hyper Hill, and today in honor of Men's Mental Health and GTSD Awareness Month, we're going straight into the hard truth. This isn't going to be a soft, roundabout discussion. This is about what happens when strength is misunderstood, when silence is misused, and when men are left with nowhere to go but inward until something cracks. Whether you're a man struggling quietly or someone who loves him, this episode is for you. Hello, hello. Thank you so much for joining me. So today, as I said in the intro, we are focusing on June, being men's mental health awareness and PTSD Awareness Month. This is something that is very near and dear to my heart, not only as a therapist that focuses in the trauma realm, but that I feel really blessed that I have a lot of men clients. And I think this is very important to talk about. Additionally, um married to my husband for 21 years. And he was, he just retired in law enforcement for 28 years. So I have a very unique perspective with those that are first responders, last responders. I've had the opportunity to meet some really incredible men and women as I followed my husband all through the United States in his career. And uh I just think it's really important for us to have this conversation that this is what June needs to work at, look at. We need to discuss men's mental health and PTSD awareness and really start talking about some of these hard truths that are up against men. So just the other day I had posted a little um, you know, thing on social media. And these are the seven kind of hard truths that we're gonna talk about today. And I'll share these just real quickly with you. So number one, society lied, silence is not strength. Number two, PTSD is not just about open combat. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say, wait, I I wasn't in a war. I'm like, you don't have to be. We'll talk about that today. Number three, risky choices aren't always about the thrill. So we're gonna, you know, dive into this because this is very common to see with men that um are really struggling with their mental health or um undiagnosed PTSD. Number four, anger and irritability. These are symptoms, they are not personality. Gosh, I tell you, um, I have wives come in and my husband's doing this and this and this and this, and I'm like, you know, I really think that it sounds like your husband might be depressed. What's going on? Let's see if we can help. So this is very common. We'll talk more about that today. But uh number five, avoiding it won't make it disappear. This is not just for men, this is for anyone. Avoidance does not work. We'll dive into that a little bit more. Number six, not all therapy is soft. You guys know this um with me, but therapy can be strategic. And I think this is the course of treatment for men in particular. And number seven, if you're um just functioning but not really living, it's time for us to talk. So let's dive into these seven hard truths about men and mental health. So, number one, society lied, silence is not strength. So for generations, men have been told to be tough, to stay quiet, and to kind of just white knuckle it through. But silence really truly isn't a sign of resilience, it's a form of emotional suffocation. Now, we have to keep in mind too, contextually, that we have evolved over generations in context of how men should be. There's a should statement in there, cognitive distortion. Um, and that um I think too we've how how do I say this? We have gone through some significant changes when it comes to the expectation of who a man should be and how they should present themselves. Then we kind of went into this um an interesting evolution that I've seen uh probably started in the early 2000s where it became men became more feminine. And so when it became where um the that masculine nature, which I think a lot of times we say silence is at, um was put to rest. But now I'm starting to see this tide turn again where it's like, hold on a second, we need men, we need men to do what they are created to do. Uh but in that I think we're starting to see the silence kind of the silence idea to kind of go creep in there. Um, and so I remember oh my gosh, it was years ago, I had read an article about this kind of odd tide that we saw changing where men went from these rugged men to this kind of effeminate, and it was um a depiction of um oh who is the vampire guy and all the see, I can't keep it straight. Patton, I think was his last name compared to Clint Eastwood. And this article was very much that women are desiring to get back to these Eastwood types, but again, we've got to really talk about this silence. Silence is not strength, and this is something that um I see every day in my practice, and this is really something that men have carried alone for years. If you listen to any of these great podcasters out there, um, Joe Rogan, John Deloney, um even Huberman, you hear a lot about um this societal expectation of silence, but they are starting to break through. Uh, Theo Vaughn, I really enjoy listening to him because he really is uh breaking that kind of third wall, if you want to say, um, with men staying silent, like let's have conversations. Let's have conversations about the things that we're up against and what we see. And so it's this really neat um shift that I'm trying I'm that I'm seeing. But the problem is is that we're just we're just breaking through. And this idea that men um should stay silent, this is what this is uh suffocating them, absolutely suffocating them. So they've been told like that vulnerability is weakness. And so what happens is I see is men internalize this pain and then it comes out sideways, right? So it's like through health issues, for sure, strained relationships, complete shutdown, or like workaholism. But I do again see this tide starting to turn, um, and men are showing up more. They're asking questions, um, they're saying, hey, I want to thrive, not just survive. And that's where I'm starting to see that real strength in men, and they're learning to really speak through it. Um, and so they're saying, hey, you know, the world might have or societal expectations might have said I need to be silent, but I can still maintain my masculinity by also recognizing that there's something going on and I need to be vulnerable and step into this. I mean, I'm telling you, you watch any of these shows, I started watching a new one, um Q department, I think it was called, and the guy was in a shooting, he was a cop, he was in a shooting, he got shot, and you see him sitting down with his therapist, and he won't he won't open up, which is so, so common. Um, it was a really good depiction of what we see with men. Like, you just sit with this. I mean, that's kind of what we've told them for years. You need to sit with this. We're gonna put you in with a therapist because we have to, because department regulations, we're gonna use your EAP. There's no trust there, there's nothing there. And they just stay silent. And this is so, so dangerous. And we've got to start encouraging men. Hey, we love your masculinity. I love that um I know my husband will run toward danger for the betterment of others and for his family. I find that incredibly sexy. I also find it incredibly sexy that he's like, hey, I need to be vulnerable. I'm really struggling with X, Y, and Z. We need to encourage that in men. We really do. Okay, so number two, let's go to that. PTSD isn't just about comment combat. Listen, I hear this not only with men, but with women too. So um many men experience trauma, many of them. And that can come through uh obviously a actual traumatic event. Um, so a one-time event. So maybe this is like an earthquake, a car wreck, something like that, or this could be a complicated history of um trauma. So this could start in early childhood, whether whether that's sexual abuse, maybe being um in the the foster system, something like that. Um so there's different types of trauma, but men can also uh experience trauma if they had um, you know, a neglectful childhood. It might not necessarily been sexual abuse, mental abuse, um, or I should say verbal abuse, but we can see that childhood neglect can really feed into this, um, difficult fatherhoods um and maybe even toxicity in the workplace. We can see this kind of happen, but you don't have to be a veteran in order to have trauma. And and you know, the trauma does affect and impact how you think, feel, and act. And this is huge for people to understand. Um I know um Gabor Mate, he talks about how PTSD trauma is how we have um interpreted these events, it's different for everybody else. Now, PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder, is a clinical um diagnosis. Okay, so it's not just being triggered at a bad memory. Um, I can't tell you how many times I've had people come and say, um, yeah, my friend. So as I was saying, PTSD is a diagnosable disorder. And so as I was saying, a lot of people I've had them come and say, Oh yeah, my friend said I had PTSD. Um, men never say this to me, by the way. Um, women say this. And as we go through, I'm like, you don't have PTSD. Or they'll say, I'm having flashbacks, you're not having flashbacks. This is clinical, so it's not just about being triggered or having a bad memory. It does involve intense distress, flashbacks, sleep disturbances, avoidance, hypervigilance that interfere with daily functioning. And this is something that um a good clinician will um assess you for. So roughly 60% of men, they experience at least one trauma in their lifetime. And about 4% develop PTSD. But listen, so many cases go undiagnosed, so many cases go undiagnosed because back to number one, silence is strength, which is bunk. Um, and a lot of times when we see this, it shows up in irritability, workaholism, substance abuse, or just shutting down emotionally. So I know it's higher than 4% of men actually um, you know, move into a diagnosable PTSD, but they're not getting the help. They're just not getting the help. And and here's the thing PTSD um often, like I just said, is missed in men because it comes out in the irritability and that sort of thing. So PTSD in men doesn't always look like flashbacks and panic attacks. It doesn't. Sometimes it looks like anger or numbness or control issues or isolation. Um, or a man who looks like he has it all together, he is just wrecked on the inside. And here's why. So when it comes to PTSD, what happens in the brain is the brain will store trauma um in different places of the brain. For example, it it holds that trauma memory in the hippocampus, and that's the memory center. But what happens is that it is inaccurately um storing information. Okay, so it it could even go back to um societal beliefs. And then on top of it, he's got the trauma, and it's it, it just it gets all kinds of messed up. What also happens when we have um this trauma effect is our fight or flight, our amygdala is on high alert. So we really are having difficulty in managing emotion, remembering. I see a lot of forgetfulness um and they have a lot of frustration or even they can't focus. But what also happens here is that it can affect the insula, and the insula plays a role in the awareness of like our internal states. So when men are taught to ignore what they feel, their bodies, when it comes to PTSD, it responds through dysregulation because that insula is basically crying out to feel to move through this. And so that dysregulation, it's not gonna be through crying. It's not, but it could be through zoning out, snapping, shutting down, or exploding. And if we understand how the brain is reacting and we educate men on this is what's happening in your brain. Now, I want to say this with a caveat because we know what's happening in the brain and the body when it comes to mental health issues with men or PTSD, this is not taking away that they need to take responsibility for some of their behaviors. 100%, this is not saying don't take responsibility for poor choices, but this is about understanding that a dysregulated brain and body leads to maladaptive behaviors. So, understanding this is really going to help us to normalize some of those responses we see, and it gives us a really good starting point for real recovery. So, again, you don't have to be a veteran to have PTSD. Um, we see this in first responders, last responders. We see this again with complex cases. Um, and so we really need to normalize this conversation about some of these responses we see. I had a man come in to me and he came because he had such an anger and rage issue. And when he came to me, he was very quiet, very closed off. Um, his arms were wrapped around him. And as he shared his history, it was absolutely heartbreaking. And I tried educating him on like, this is what's happening. This is what's happening in your brain. It's storing information inaccurately. We need to confront this trauma, which is not a lot of fun for a lot of people. Um, it helped him to understand that. Um, and it was just it was really neat seeing him open up. Unfortunately, he didn't continue through because it is a really tough process. Um, but we did break through some of it and hopefully he felt seen and heard. Um, but his came out with a lot of rage. And here's the thing, too, that I want to say for female therapists: do not say you're a trauma therapist if you can't sit with rage. Do not say you're a trauma therapist if you can't sit with rage. Listen, it is unnerving when I have men that are six foot four and I'm barely five foot six right now and they're raging. I mean, it it can get unnerving, and I have to calm my nervous system because I know it's not directed at me, but you have to be able to sit with that because this is how it comes out often. You need to be comfortable with that. The reason so many guys don't stick out in therapy is they're like, they're not listening, they're not doing anything, and I see fear on them. Why are they gonna continue talking to you if that's how you react? So do not step into therapy, especially with men, if you can't sit with those big emotions. Don't do it. You're just gonna cause more harm than good. All right, so number three, risky choices aren't always about the thrill. They're about pain. Uh, this is something that I talk about in my trauma workbook. So many men don't recognize how trauma shows up. We've talked about that, right? So it could be working nonstop, drinking, drinking more, gambling, cheating. These are not bad habits. Yes, they become behavioral addictions or habits, but really it is um disguise, pain in disguise. It really is. And so I talk a lot about this in the trauma workbook workbook that trauma creates dysregulation that feels absolutely intolerable. And that nervous system of ours, right? The brain, the nervous system, is constantly in hypervigilant state. So it's scanning for danger. And so oftentimes to quiet that noise, many men unconsciously at first turn to high stimulation behaviors. Okay. So it's not about always being careless, it's about trying to find a sense of control or calm in ways that eventually create actually more chaos. So, in fact, it was really interesting. The other day, I saw a post on LinkedIn and it was by a clinician that focuses on uh first responders, and he was talking about the T-type personality. So the T-type personality, they call it the thrill seeker, right? And so he wrote this post. And although I understood what he was saying, that oftentimes we see this in our first responders that they're thrill seekers, I took a little umbrage with it because it was too narrowly focused. And I think that's part of the reason our guys are not going and getting help. So the the article was basically like everybody that is a first responder is a T type. And I'm like, I don't agree. That is not have that has not been my experience. So I think again, when we are super narrowly focused on this is how we're first responders are, it it really is not part and parcel to like the whole issue. It's it's much more complex. And it irritated me because when we we only say they're thrill seekers, then again, we're we're narrowing um their safety. And so what I said in response to this clinician is I agree there's T types, but we cannot disregard those individuals that are truly doing this out of service and duty and altruism, because there is a lot of them. Could they start it at a T-type? Sure. But I think a lot of the men and women that I have met over my husband's career, it is service and duty driven. And so again, um, is everyone a T-type? No. And does a T-type have risky behaviors like sex, alcohol, all of that? A lot of times, yes. But by pat by bypassing the complexity of these individuals that are suffering with mental health issues or PTSD, you're you're blocking their options or their perceived options. I can't tell you how many emails or messages I've gotten through Instagram from individuals that are like, do you think my EAP will cover X, Y, and Z? Um, do you think that your workbook would work? I mean, like they're really trying to often um it's like I can't go to EAP. So employee assistance programs because like I can't trust what's going to be said. I can't, I don't want to lose my career because there's always a stigma if I go receive help. I am see seeing a lot of people speak out against this a lot more, especially for law enforcement or just first responders, which I appreciate. But again, when we see these risky behaviors, it causes mass destruction, mass destruction. Um, I see unfortunately a lot of infidelity with these individuals that are in these roles. We see it with a lot of um ambulance drivers. I see it with um like uh ER nurses. I see this a lot. Um, there is a thrill to it, but then again, when we have a dysregulated nervous system, if it's PTSD or it's you know something else, we're not managing anxiety, depression, whatever it may be, we see dysregulations and in dysregulation in the body, and these individuals go to these risky behaviors almost to like get this energy out of me. And so again, we are not saying don't take responsibility for your poor choices, but this is nervous system driven. I have um a new client who has an eating disorder and explained to this client that what happens is that the insula is asleep, right? And so that dysregulation, that that brain is like, wake up, wake up, wake up. And that is what led to the eating disorder. We see this in part, we see this a lot with cutters. Uh, we see, you know, this depicted on film and stuff. It's like because they need the pain. No, it's not about needing the pain, it's about finding regulation, trying to wake up that brain, which is dysregulated. If that part of the brain is asleep, the body is like, what the hell is wrong? So then they go to risky choices and behaviors to almost shake it loose. And then if you go into something like personality disorders, which we do see in men, and no, it's not just narcissism. I do get really tired of um every woman saying every man is narcissistic. It's not the case. Um, but again, just one of those psychological terms that people have bastardized and just throw it around and it's completely unfair. But we will see with some personality disorders with men, and men can have borderline 100%. We see this in antisocial personality disorder. It really is a dysregulated brain that chose risky behaviors, then those risky behaviors became habits, became all of these things, right? It's just kind of the snowball effect. But all that to say, risky choices aren't about thrill, they're oftentimes about pain. Okay. Number four, anger and um irritability are not symptoms, or they are symptoms, excuse me. They are not personality flaws. Ugh, I can't tell you how many times um I've had women come in and say, This is what's going on with my husband. This is just his personality. And the more I get to hear the stories, I'm like, hey, I really don't think this is personality. I think we're looking at something else. So many men, they carry shame for being short-fused or moody, right? When in fact, what it is is again, it's their nervous system responses. And, you know, they're they're really not deeply personal out personality flawed. They're just dysregulated. I love this quote from John Deloney. Um, he often says that anger is often the bodyguard for fear and sadness. Anger is the easiest thing for everybody to go to. It just sits there. We can grab it, um, and it can help regulate initially, um, but it's everybody grabs anger first. Everybody grabs anger first. So anger is often the bodyguard for fear and sadness. And so, really, it's about getting underneath that anger. So what it looks like is often with guys, it's rage or irritability. And it's really again a man whose system has been on the edge for so long and it can't regulate anymore. And they're just it's just it comes out. So there really is a deep connection between store trauma and these outbursts, but they can be rewired. They really can. And anger does not have to define a man. It doesn't. It's it points to what needs attention. Anger is really pointing to, hey, let's look over here. So, guys, if you're really struggling with anger and irritability, um, and again, this can be depression, this can be PTSD. This is not a personality flaw, but you have to recognize that short fuse and that screaming, um, this is pointing to a need. And we've got to step again into that vulnerability. I know it's really tough, but these are symptoms of something that you're not looking at. Um, there's this, I don't know where this fable came from or whatever you want to call it. Um, I think I learned it in school, but it's essentially called the touching tree. I think it's had different iterations and different names, but essentially the story goes that um a man goes to work and he gets screamed at and it's just awful, and he's just he's over drinking, he gets home and he unloads on the family and he's just screaming and screaming and screaming. And so eventually his family leaves him. And so one day as he returns to his quiet home, he trips on his walkway up into the house and he brushes up against a tree. He walks into the house and all of a sudden the rage and the anger is gone. And so the continue the story continues to go on, like he keeps stumbling at the same spot and touching the tree, and the anger and rage is gone. Essentially, the whole premise of this story is that we need to find our touching tree. We need to find a mechanism to release anger and rage. It is so important that we have a touching tree. As a therapist, I have a touching tree. I have a routine that I go through before I go home. So I don't take everything that I've heard in session to the house. My family doesn't deserve this. And so I have my own touching tree um ceremony that I go through. And this looks different for everyone, but often when I'm working with guys, I'm like, we need to create a touching tree. We have to create something. Now, with women, they they like more kind of creative solutions. So I had one woman who would collect rocks. Every time she was upset, she'd grab a rock and she put like that that pain in the rock. Um, for guys, it definitely doesn't look like that. So a lot of times I have men, their touching tree is on the way home. They're either going to, if they need to get the anger out, then they're gonna listen to the music, the ragey music, or go to the gym and they're just gonna put all of that energy into those things. Or a lot of men are like, okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna drive home and it's gonna be very um meditative. So they're gonna listen to maybe say it's a prayer on the way home, whatever it is, to regulate their systems because they recognize it is dysregulated. So we come up with a touching tree for men because again, anger and irritability are often they're the symptoms and they're pointy to a need. So we start there. It's a really good place to start. Um, and it takes a lot of practice, a lot of practice. Because keep in mind if you're reaching for anger and irritability, you've created that neural pathway and it just keeps going there. You're stuck on that hamster wheel. So we have to put new things in place to create a bridge to a more adaptive neural network. All right, so number five, avoiding it won't make it disappear. Suppression is not the solution. Okay. It's just not the solution. What you don't face, it will always find ways to show up, whether it's in your relationships, your job, or your health. I promise you. And here's the quick neuroscience the trauma avoidance is given by, you know, the it it's driven by the amygdala's reactivity. So remember our fight or flight system. And what happens then is it tones down our smart system, the prefrontal cortex. So it's very under-engaged. So our brain literally gets hijacked into threat mode and it avoids anything it sees as unsafe, including thoughts and feelings. But again, when we avoid things, it just reinforces the belief that we can't handle it. The cycle continues until like literally life forces you to face it, and it's usually in a much more difficult way. Avoidance is a huge mechanism for guys. Um, I especially see this in our first responders. And a lot of times they're like, no, I compartmentalize it. And I'm like, okay, let's look at these compartments, and it's not true. So, but we have to confront avoidance patterns. Has it worked for a while? Sure. Is it going to have a deletrious effect if you don't look at it? Yes, 100%. Um, just the other day I ran across a post of the poor men that were sent off to war in World War, I think it was one, two. I'm so terrible with history. My husband would just die um if I couldn't remember. But anyway, it was pictures of these men that came back from war with undiagnosed PTSD, and it was absolutely heartbreaking. What did they do with these men? They avoided it and they just sent them off. They just left them, they put them into psychiatric hospitals and they never talk to the other men that are confronting these things. Just avoid it, men. Just avoid it. And again, it goes kind of back to that societal message of silence is king. It is not. And I think men have too often been told if I avoid it and I just tell myself I can compartmentalize, it's not going to get me. Yes, it will. Oftentimes you're going to see it first in your health. So you might start getting gaining weight. You'll probably have very low testosterone. Guys, get your testosterone checked. Please, especially if you're a first responder, I guarantee you you're probably gonna have some lower testosterone after so many years because your body can only sustain such high levels of cortisol before it starts depleting that hormone. And you need it. The lower the testosterone you have, I mean, it's not just about erectile dysfunction. It is not. It's about prostate health, it's about your mental health. So you've got to get your testosterone checked. I can't tell you how many of my guys I'm like, when was the last time you had your testosterone checked? Oh, I don't know, what levels are that? He comes back, oh no, it's like 220. I'm like, oh my gosh, no wonder you feel like crap. So it's starting them on testosterone. But what's really interesting with some of these guys that have this unresolved trauma, they don't want to start testosterone because they're like, what if I become more ragey with the testosterone? So it's something that we have to balance and find a uh provider that is going to keep an eye on it. But if we can regulate testosterone levels, my gosh, it makes a huge, huge difference in their life and it provides more um stability, I guess you could say, in stepping into the really hard stuff of therapy. But again, avoidance, guys, it doesn't work. It'll come out in your health, then it'll come out at work. You might not be as engaged in work, um, you might be forgetting things, um, and then it'll definitely come out in your relationships, whether it's in your intimate relationships um with your partners or your children, but it's gonna come out. There's no such thing as compartmentalization. There's just not. Listen, and for me, I have compartment, I have to compartmentalize, right? I I have some really difficult sessions I listen to, and I'm like, oh yeah, I can compartmentalize, but no, I mean it sits with me, and that's why I have my touching tree, that's why I have different regulation strategies, that's why I carry my own therapist. Um, because I know I can't compartmentalize forever. There's there's just no way. And I know that because of the brain, this is not just us saying these things, the brain cannot sustain that, and then your body starts to break down. All right. So the last two aren't really um, you know, seven hard truths that men need to hear about mental health and um PTSD, but I do want to touch on them. Number six is all therapy isn't soft. Um, not every single therapist is gonna be like, hey, tell me how you feel. Um, we will eventually, but listen, um, some of us, like myself, we get to the point. We build a plan and we help you move forward. So therapy can be action-oriented and strategic. One of the biggest complaints I hear from the guys that come to me, and listen, I am really blessed that I would say I'm probably at about 70-75% women and the rest are men, which is really high, especially for a female therapist. So I'm super blessed that guys feel safe coming to me. And I do believe it's because I'm not soft. I am compassionate, and that's not to take away from that, but I am strategic. I'm no BS. And I think that comes from being married to a cop for so long. There's no BS. There's enough BS in guys' life. They just want you to say what you mean, mean what you say, and help them get from point A to point B. Period. Stop pussyfooting around stuff, stop talking only about emotionality. Listen, that is not a great focus for guys. It's just not. And so, like one of the statistics I saw is one in ten men, or one in ten men, yes, have some sort of mental um, you know, need. And of those ten men, only five seek help. Okay, if only five men out of the ten, so about half are seeking help. I think I said the stat wrong. It sounds funny in my head. All that to be said, if five go to try to find help, and of those five therapists that they go seek, four of them only do an emotionally leaning process. How many of y'all think that they're gonna stick it out? None. None. I can't tell you how many of my guys come in and they are so anxious to be sitting down with me. And and then we get to it. I'm like, this is what we're gonna do, this is what we're gonna do, this is how I'm gonna speak to you, this is how I expect you to speak to me. And they they you literally see their their shoulders come down from their ears. And listen, I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but I do have a very direct approach. And again, all therapy doesn't have to be soft. In fact, this is one of the things that I speak against. It doesn't have to be soft and it doesn't have to be subjective all the time. Data is important, assessments are important. I am not pathologizing you, therapists, please listen to me. This is not about pathologizing our clients, but it is about informing your treatment, not just, oh, I just feel like I'm a good therapist. Who cares how you feel about it? Prove it. And these guys really thrive in this kind of therapeutic environment. So, guys, not all therapy is soft. It can be strategic. Interview your therapist. Interview your therapist. Ask them, what do you do? What makes you different? I want to sit on your couch and just talk about emotions. What are the steps we're going to take? If they can't say, well, this is my system, this is the stuff that I do, then go the other way. The other clue that I tell a lot of people, if you're seeking for a therapist and you go like on psychology today and you read their, you know, who they help and their modalities, if they do every single thing, okay, go the other way. Um, you can't be a jack of all trades because then you're a master of none. Guys, find someone that focuses on you. Yes, I work with men and women, but I have a very narrow focus. And people come to me because I'm like, nope, trauma, anxiety, stress, or grief because it's the same area as the brain. And this is my system. If you don't like my system, go somewhere else. But I put it out there so people know. And listen, I am not for everybody. I have many people, especially women, that are like, yeah, no, I need more fluff. I need more of the emotionality. And frankly, that's not how I am. I get really annoyed when I was in therapy years and years ago. And it's like we just sit there and like, but what the hell are we doing? How I feel worse. This doesn't make any sense. What are the steps we're taking? That's how my brain works. And so um, again, I am not for everyone. I've had people walk out the door, but guys, please interview. Um, I have some blogs that I've written about how to interview a therapist, and I also talk about um the things I don't like about therapists um in my catching flack series. So make sure you check that out. Um, lastly, um, if you're just simply functioning, you're not living, right? If you're just functioning, you're not living. And that's not good enough. Just because you're getting through your day, is that what you want? You might be performing, so to speak, and getting by and meeting responsibilities, but if you're totally disconnected from yourself and even those in your life, that's not to be expected as normal. And again, I think this is that societal message of guys, you just keep working, you just keep pushing through, um, and you're dead inside. That that's wrong. It it's just wrong. And again, therapy has really failed men. It it really has. And these models of therapy, they really weren't built with men in mind, which is really interesting because psychology was started by uh men. Um, and I think that it was more focused, maybe possibly um with men in mind, um what we've gotten away from it. We've gone to, I I hate to say it, a more feminine model for therapy, and it's just we failed men. We just totally have felt failed men. And so um most men that I work with, you know, they don't want to feel more, they want to feel less chaotic. So that's what we focus on and and they want a strategy and that's what they're getting. They want results, they want someone to help them sort through the noise without coddling them. Um, and that's what I do. That's what I do. But guys, um it functioning is not um thriving, it is not living. You deserve to be living, you know. So there is an alternate path, obviously. Strength does not have to be pretending, okay? It doesn't have to be numbing out, it doesn't have to be gambling with your marriage, um, your job, or even your health, because you just don't want to talk. Real strength, and this is what I'm gonna say, guys, please hear me, is stepping into the hard work. I am not going to lie to you, if you come to me and you're having some mental health concerns or you're struggling with PTSD, this is gonna suck. But choose your suck, right? This therapy is supposed to be difficult. It really is. If you truly are going into therapy saying, I need to have a resolution, I need to learn new skills. Learning anything news new requires effort. Oftentimes, effort has suffering involved. If I'm learning how to, okay, that you guys are gonna laugh at me. I really, really, really want to learn how to be a drummer. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I really want to. And so I've been watching videos, and then um when I'm listening, like I'm in the sauna, I'm trying to like go along with, okay, is that the snare? What am I doing there? And the the hand and foot movements, all of the things. Guys, I suck at it and I get so angry. Now I know this is sounds really stupid, but that's suffering. I'm trying to grow something. I'm trying to learn something before I go invest on a five, six hundred dollar set of drums. But all that to be said, you need to step into this, choose your suck. Your suck right now is you're hidden in silence, you're irritable, you have anger, maybe you're cheating, maybe you're gambling, maybe you're drinking too much, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe you're not sleeping, all of the things. There's your current suck. Then you can choose the suck coming to someone like me that says, okay, we're going to step into this. We're going to look at that gnarly crap that's in your head. No, you can't compartmentalize, and we're going to build a set of skills and tools to help bridge these maladaptive, negative things that are happening in your life. So choose your suck. Choose your suck. Not every therapist is fluffy. Please hear me, guys. I know you need this, and I am so, so passionate about this. Choose your suck. It is not going to be easy at all, but it is 100% going to be worth it. So again, uh just a highlight for June, June 2025, where it is men's mental health awareness and PTSD Awareness Month. There are a ton of amazing resources out there for individuals, whether you be a vet, a cop, a firefighter, a man with complex trauma, you were in the foster system, whatever it may be. There are amazing resources out there for individuals who see you and understand the needs that you have. Not all of us are just uh perpetuating the idea that you should just be quiet and sit there and cry about feelings. I know that's not what you want to do. You should cry. Crying is cathartic, it's really good for you. Um, but we don't have to go there first thing. So I hope there's some men listening in. I really do. I hope you're hearing this. I hope it landed with you. What you want, I want you to hear is that you are not broken, you are not weak, you are absolutely human and you deserve to be seen. Thanks so much for joining me today. If any part of this landed, hear me when I say you are not broken, you are not weak, you are human. And if you're tired of functioning but not actually living, it's time. If you're in Georgia and ready to take the next step, reach out to me. You'll find a lot more about my approach on my website at untangledmind.net. And if therapy isn't your next step, start with education. You can find my trauma workbook, Untangling Trauma, on Amazon. It's a guided way to start understanding what's happening under the surface and why it makes sense. Most importantly, don't go another year believing this is just who you are. There's a path forward and you don't have to figure it out alone. Thanks so much for listening to Untangled Mind Podcast. See you next time.