You can tell a lot about a person from how they handle a shopping cart. In this episode, I unpacked a small moment in a parking lot that revealed a bigger truth and why that moment explains exactly why I don't work with kids and why some adults aren't ready for change either. If you're a parent or someone struggling with progress, this one's for you. Hi, I'm Piper Harris, and welcome to season six of the Untangled Mind podcast, where we cut through the mental clutter to help you untangle life's toughest challenges. I'm a data-driven mental health therapist based in the suburbs of Atlanta, Georgia, specializing in trauma, anxiety, and grief. Using Third Wave CBT, I offer practical, no-nonsense tools to help you untangle your mind and take meaningful action. Hey, hey, and welcome. So the week of 4th of July, I'm in the office just for this Monday, and I had to run out. I um always have a candle burning for my clients. So I had to run down to the spectacular Home Goods down the road. And I saw this scene unfold before my eyes. It's so funny, a client said to me the other day, she's like, How do you get your ideas for podcasts? And I told her, I said, most of the time I'm ticked off about something. So that's what you're getting today. So as I was saying, I ran to Home Goods, needed a candle, got back to my car, and I'm sitting there, I'm getting in, I'm getting situated, and I look directly across the parking lot, and there's a mother and a daughter. Now the daughter had to be between like 16 and 18. She's not a toddler. She's she's fine. So I see them and they're loading up the car. And what do they do? They pop the buggy, the shopping cart, up on like the little um, you know, greenery area, and or the daughter does, and the mom just looks at her and shrugs and they leave it. I was so irritated and truly I sat there in my truck and I was like, that told me everything I need to know about what's going on at home. And so here's the thing. I really want to talk about that the the cart, it's not really about the cart, right? It's about the mindset. That's what was bothering me about the cart is um you can't be bothered to put the cart back. Yeah, I know the people get paid to do their job, but really, I mean, popping it up on the curb when it would have taken you a couple more minutes, you probably need the steps. Um, and so it really it's not about the car cart per se. It's really about the mindset that I was seeing there. You know, what I saw there was this kind of um entitlement that I was seeing, a lack of like ownership of just, you know, doing the right thing. And there was really no internalized drive to do like the right thing when nobody's watching. Granted, I was watching. But that was the thing that really got me where I was just like, you know, there was just no indication of like this bothered them at all. And so I kind of sat there and I was just thinking about it, and I was like, geez, you know, like walk the damn cart back. And it really got me thinking about a couple different things, and I want to touch on those today. One is this is case in point why I won't work with kids or adolescents. I don't work with them. I've talked about this before. Um in my younger years, I thought I was going to focus on adolescent psychology, and I can tell you it was gut-wrenching. Um, not only because I was working really in the trenches, we're talking about psychiatric units, we're talking about group homes, crisis residential centers. I mean, you really are talking about some of the worst of the worst things that you're going to see. But what I ran into in these different places that I worked um was this real idea. And keep in mind when I was doing this work, it was oh 98, 99. So it was a while ago. So the kids today are totally different, and we'll touch on that. But what I saw back then that was very disheartening was um the parents. You know, granted, these are kids that, you know, they're not coming from the the best home life. Now, some did, you know, and the parents were at what's end with their kid, but I would say 95 to 97% of the kids didn't come from a great home life. But what I saw with these um parents is they were just like, yeah, whatever. They were totally distanced from the kids. And obviously, as I've grown and I've studied and I understand, you know, what that does to the kiddo and how they react to that. Um, we're talking about attachment theory, we're not going to get into that today. But a lot of the reason I won't work with kids is based on that because it's not really the kids that are the issue, it's the parents. It really is. And the problem that I'm seeing today with today's kids and adolescents is that they don't choose to do hard things at all. Like they just don't choose hard things. And so I have parents and they call and they beg me to take their kid on because they're like, I think your approach is exactly what they need. And it's like, okay, well, why am I gonna be different? I'm a complete stranger. I get them one hour, maybe two hours a week. If you don't change the environment they're living in, hint hint, that's the problem, then when they come see me, it's an it nothing's gonna change at all. And so it's really interesting. I see these kids, these kids, they some of them have this real entitlement um, you know, kind of thing that they have going on, or they lack any internal drive. Any internal drive. I can't tell you how many phone calls I get from folks saying I'm calling about my son. Um, he's just really struggling with drive. We think he's, you know, maybe he's depressed and da-da-da-da-da. And I ask questions, and turns out he's 30 years old. Sometimes he delivers pizza, sometimes he doesn't. They let him smoke pot in the basement. Um, they don't make him clean up, they still give him money for everything. And I'm like, what do you want me to do? You've essentially raised a human being that every single need is met. You've never made life hard. And so, yeah, they're not going to move out of your basement. You're you're giving them everything they need. So, is it the 30-year-old? Well, yes, but it started with the lack of parenting. So, most kids they are being raised without this framework of accountability. And what we're calling it is, you know, helicopter parenting. That's that's what it is. It's helicopter parenting that I see parents and they want to be their friend, their kids' friend, which is really parents, listen to me, that really is dumb. It is not a good idea. Um, they there's no accountability. They give them every single dollar, they give them a credit card, they can buy whatever they want. Well, get A's in school. That's great. That's very hard. What are they doing at home? Because I guarantee you, half of these kids are doing great at school, they have no school discipline problems, and they're terrors at home. Well, why is that? Because there's no framework for accountability for everything that you're giving them. And the problem too is, um, like I saw in the parking lot with this adult, is the parent in the parking lot also lacked the framework of accountability. I mean, seriously, if if the parents like, eh, whatever, throw it on the curb, how is the child going to learn anything different? So we've got either this, you know, laxadaisical process to parenting, like, God forbid we hurt our kids' feelings or we hold them to a boundary or we hold them accountable to something. Let's just be friends with them. Let's make sure that they're happy all the time. Please stop making your kids happy all the time. It doesn't work. Happy all the time is the problem. And then you see, you know, that this adult is like, I don't understand why they're doing this way. Well, adult, let's look at your life. How are you holding yourself accountable? Okay, it's great, you're holding a job. What else are you doing to hold yourself accountable? It's a small thing, it's like putting the damn cart back. So there's really this odd thing that I see with kids. It wasn't the same as when I was counseling back in 98, 99 in these crisis residential centers. These kids were truly um in some really difficult situations. And I'll be clear with listeners, I work, my practice is in a very affluent area. So the individuals that are here, yes, they might be affluent, but they still have struggles. I still see kids that are abused, I still still see um drug and alcohol abuse and all of that. However, in addition to being in affluent area, you do see this lack of accountability for a lot of these kids. And so it's a reason why I'm like, I'm not, I'm not working with your kid. I'm not working with your adolescent. They may be great at school. I got talked into one this year and it just reaffirmed this is not for me because it is not about the teenager. Yes, the teenager needs to learn new skills, but if you are not changing the environment in which they were raised and it stays the same, I'm not gonna do a dang thing to change your kids' behavior. That's I I'm not going to. So the shopping cart kind of showed me that and it just reaffirmed for me, Piper, this is why you don't work with people typically under the age of 30. And the the thing too with a shopping cart is that it also spoke to me about why some adults don't change. They say they want to change, but they don't. So that cart and this kind of metaphor that's coming on it also applies to adults. I'm telling you, I sat there and I thought, okay, absolutely confirms why I don't look work with adolescents, um, because it's a parenting issue. And again, this entitlement of like, well, they'll come do it. They were paid, they're paid to do this, right? Um, I think to what I saw in that moment is the mom. Listen, I don't know her. She's probably a lovely woman, but what is your behavior teaching your kid? In addition to that, I wouldn't want to work with this woman. And here's why. So often people come in and they say, I really want to change, I feel really stuck, right? But it's actually an illusion of wanting to change. It's an illusion. If you can't do the tough thing, I don't even want to call it tough, walking the cart. I mean, it's a sunny day, it's not even raining. Like, that wasn't tough to walk the cart back to the store. It really is not difficult. But if you can't walk a cart back, why or how are you actually going to change? And again, it's this illusion of change that people come into me with. And it's why when I was sitting there kind of watching them and this stuff kind of unfold in front of me, I thought, oof, I wouldn't want her as a client. Because listen, I am not for everyone. I have an expectation that you are going to do the work. In fact, I've called out clients. Maybe they've only come into me three or four times, and I say, You said you wanted to do the work. I've given you three assignments. Where's the work? Well, I thought about it. Okay, but where's the assignment? You have to choose the tough thing. The tough thing is what leads you to change. But again, I saw this woman in the parking lot. She didn't even chastise her kid and she didn't walk it back herself. Listen, she could be one of these, you know, um, coddling mothers and taking it back herself, right? Well, at least I'd have respect for her taking the cart back. She's coddling a teenager, that's ridiculous. But at least she took the cart back. She could have, but she didn't do that either. So there's this idea of I want to change, but it's absolutely an illusion. And so a lot of times when it comes to adults and they run up against this, is because they have a somewhat of a identity connected to um the the issue that they're having, if that makes sense. So many times, so many times, it's like, well, you know, I I want to change, but uh, I don't know, I'm not so sure. So it why don't they? Well, many times it's because there's this idea of maybe perceived martyrdom. It serves them. Look at how hard my life is. Now listen, I am not trying to be mean and hurt your feelings, but this is truth. This is truth. Um, you're not going to change if you don't listen. And if this is making you mad, maybe you should consider why it's making you mad. Maybe it's because it's holding a mirror up. Maybe you just don't like me. That's fine too. But if this is making you angry, listen, there's a reason. Oftentimes parents or excuse me, adults come in here and they say they want to change, but they don't. Because this identity of this martyr, oh, look at how hard my life is, serves them. Now, in a maladaptive way, right? Because they're obviously feeling this discomfort of playing the martyr all the time, um, or you know, creating something as an identity, um, but it's serving them. Okay. Sometimes when adults come in, it's unfortunately just like an acquiescence, right? It is just like giving up under the guise of exhaustion. I totally get that. I totally get that. But again, if you're wanting to change, I know you're exhausted. You have to choose your suck, right? Is it the suck of the current exhaustion and the weight of what you've been handling for however long, or is it stepping into a new suck and trying Piper's approach? You gotta choose your suck. Which one are you ready to deal with? And if you say, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna choose the current suck, the current suck of exhaustion, okay. Well then you are making the choice that nothing's going to change because you are choosing not to change. It is all a choice. So you have to confront that you are making a choice for one way or the other, right? So and again, like I kind of touched on, a lot of adults, they say they want to change, but they don't put the cart back because maybe there's that identity enmeshment, right? So the pain or the label has become who they are. And I've talked about this, I've blogged about this, you know, um, I'm PTSD, or, you know, um, a big one I hear with women is, you know, I have body dysmorphic disorder. And I had one client who said that years ago, and I had her for a really long time. She was really great, but I stopped her immediately and really called her out on it. So because you have really awful periods, it gives you permission to act terribly to everyone around you. And she just like, uh, what do you mean? I'm like, no, no, no, no. Take responsibility. I know you feel terrible. I bleed every month too. I know it's awful. I know some of us have more difficulty than others. But again, this is about taking accountability for the damn cart. Are you allowing this idea, this pain to become identity, thereby giving you permission to act like a turd? Yes. I had a wonderful client. Um, she taught me a lot. Um, we parted ways. I've talked about her before in the past. I have a blog about her and she's borderline. Pretty severe borderline personality disorder. And I got her as far as I could. I did. And one of the things that she and I talked about, we've kept in touch and it's just wonderful. She's in recovery and she's doing great. But one of the things she said is that what she was feeling, the pain she was feeling, was an identity. It became this identity. But the second that she realized I really do want this to change because it's wreaking havoc in my life, she broke away from that enmeshed idea of I am borderline, right? Like I am this forever. She said one time to me, and it just broke my heart, I'm a monster. Oh my gosh, I just wanted a hugger. It's like you're not a monster, but that identity enmeshment does happen with our pain. And again, it kind of goes back to it's serving a purpose, right? If if it's um, I'm really depressed, but everybody's doing everything for you, the depression is serving you. Am I not right? Now I'm not saying you're you're choosing to stay depressed. Again, please hear this. Uh just please hear this. Um, I'm sure I'm gonna tick off somebody with this one, and that's okay. What I'm talking about is the adults that say they want to change, but don't. And I'm touching on this because the stupid shopping cart upset me. Okay. Another reason that I think adults don't change and they say they do, you know, this illusion of wanting to change is that, and you're not gonna like this. It's plain laziness. I know. Nobody likes to hear that. It's laziness emotionally, behaviorally, and cognitively. Again, why? Is it just lazy? No, it's serving you. There's a reason. Maybe you're avoiding the pain of like looking at a past trauma. Totally get that. Maybe it's laziness because you can stay in your mom and dad's basement until you're 40 years old smoking pot and playing video games all day. Maybe it's serving you that way. Maybe um it serves you to have intense anxiety in professional work because you're a hard driver, but you burn out everybody else in your life because they can't stand being around you. Well, it serves you on a professional front, right? Or it's just laziness. It's like, no, I say I want to change, but like I don't want to do the emotional, behavioral, or cognitive work. I just don't. Well, then stop saying you want to change. What do you want to change? You want to change other people telling you they want you to change. That's actually what you mean. It's not really I want to change. It's I want everybody to stop telling me that I need to change. Let's just be honest. So the shopping cart. Boy, I mean, I'm telling you, confirmed why I don't work with kids, adolescents, because there's this weird entitled idea these days. Um I just don't understand it. Like they shouldn't be made to do anything tough. Um, and then there's also the shopping cart analogy when it comes to adults that don't want to do the work with me. And that's cool. Don't put the shopping cart back, but you're not gonna like my work. So there's five ways that we can step out of this mindset. What if you all of a sudden realize you're the one leaving the cart behind in your life? Okay. What if you're realizing it? What if you're realizing it right now? You recognize, okay, Piper's really making me angry, but I'm gonna step back from the anger and I'm gonna be like, why is this making me angry? Well, because I feel like she's like putting me on display. She's being rude. Am I being rude or is this putting a mirror in front of your face? Stop saying you want to change and you don't change. Stop talking in circles. One of the my biggest pet peeves is individuals that say they're going to do something and all they do is think about doing something. This is not just in the counseling room. Listen, counseling is a whole different thing, and I'm challenging you to some really um, really difficult things. I get that. But I'm saying out in the everyday world, not in the counseling room, one of my biggest pet peeves is people that say they're gonna do something and all they do is think about it. That's fake action. You're doing nothing. I'd rather you fail forward. I'd rather you fail forward a hundred times out of a hundred, ninety-nine out of a hundred, than sit there and never fail because we learn from failure 100%. So anyway, if you're listening to this and you're realizing, oh crap, I'm the one who's leaving the cart behind, here's some things you can do. Return the cart. Meaning you have to start doing some things. You have to. They matter, they absolutely matter. Behavioral activation, part of the CBT, the B in the CBT. You have got to start doing something. Now, listen, I was talking to a client about this. When it comes to doing things, don't make it so easy that there's like nothing to it. You know, I got out of bed sometimes is a really hard thing for some people. If you are struggling with, you know, um lack of drive or whatever it may be and not clinical depression, getting out of bed is not not the thing. What we know when it comes to choosing something that's adequately difficult, I'm not saying that, you know, your eyeballs are gonna pop out of your head and oh my gosh, this is just so hard. I'm not saying that. If you choose something that requires some effort and maybe a little newness to it, your brain will thank you in the form of dopamine. But if all you're doing is eating Cheetos, smoking pot, and playing video games, you're gonna have to do it more and more and more and more and more for the same amount of dopamine to feel good. This is where we get into the addiction's addiction cycle. Whether it's in drugs, alcohol, porn, shopping, eating disorders, whatever it is, even thought disorders, rumination. You have to kick out of it. And so start doing the things. They do matter. Put the cart back. Number two, can you please start telling the truth about your effort? Please. I mean, it it doesn't do you any good to lie to me in here because I can I can see that the effort's not happening and I know you're not going to change. That's up to you. I can only lead a house, uh horse to water. But you have to start being honest with yourself about your effort. How are you parenting? Are you a helicopter parent and you literally make sure that your kid is wrapped in bubble wrap? Believe me, your kid's gonna be a hot mess. Or are you such a submissive parent that you want to just be best friends with your kid, but you can't figure out what's going on? Tell the truth about your effort in parenting. Maybe it's time to ask some experts. Look into this. If you haven't reached your goals in counseling, do you know what they are? Do you know what your goals are? If you don't, why not? And then be honest about your effort. And frankly, be honest about your counselor's effort. Not all counselors are the same. They're just sitting there nodding their heads. I don't think their effort's real phenomenal. That's just my opinion. But tell the truth about your effort. Are you really trying? Or are you just showing up and sitting on a couch? I know that sounds tough, but are you really trying or are you just showing up or are you just doing the same thing over and over again because it's comfortable? Right? Number three, you need to stop needing it to feel good. Please, for the love of all things, when people come to me and say, I just want to feel happy, I need to have like a no happy button somewhere in my office. Do not say I want to be happy. That's one of the things that bothers me so much in here. Happiness is fleeting. Stop needing everything to be sunshine and roses. That is not life. There is a price to growth and it's discomfort, period. For your kids, for you for you, there is a price to growth. It's discomfort. Choose your stuff. Choose your hard. If you're comfortable with your stuck right now, okay, then you really don't want to change. If you really want to change, then it's gonna suck and it's gonna be uncomfortable, but it leads to change. Because the thing is you're actually taking accountability for change. You're not saying to someone, you're going to change me. You're saying, I'm gonna step into this and I'm gonna work toward it. You're not looking at someone to change you. You're saying I'm capable of changing me. Here's the next thing. Five ways, you know, to step out of this mindset. Number four, you've got to raise your standards, not just your awareness. Ouch, right? Again, it goes back to knowing is nothing without doing. Stop thinking about doing something, do something about something. So raise your standards, not just your awareness. You can think about something all day long, but if you are choosing to do the same thing over and over and over again, and listen, this doesn't even have to be with mental health. You can see this in businesses. If you say you want to be successful, what are you doing? Raise the standards for yourself, not just your awareness. Knowing is nothing without doing. Period. Period. And finally, you got to parent with purpose. I mean, you just have to parent with purpose. If this is a parent that's listening. Kids are not mirrors, they're magnifiers. So if you are a completely dysregulated parent, how do you expect your kid to be regulated? How do you expect your teenage daughter to stop screaming if you keep screaming? How do you think your um 25-year-old son should get out of your basement and go mow the lawn if you're not demanding it? If you give them every dollar. They are magnifying something in you. They are so parent with per purpose. Okay, so it's a short one today. But I wanted to talk about that stupid shopping cart. That shopping cart is really like this litmus test of who I would want in the counseling room with me. If I saw both of them turn around and walk that cart back, heck yeah, come talk to me. Well, except the teenager because I'm not going to do that anyway. But if I saw them put it back, be like, good for them, go take that cart back. You might be in a hurry, take it back. Easy peasy, two minutes, you know. If you're in that much of a hurry, maybe you need help with time management. But again, it's a litmus test, the shopping cart. It spoke to how the woman parents the kind of child that she's creating and if those people would be willing to change. And my answer is nah, not yet. Not yet. So step out of this mindset. What does that shopping cart represent to you? What is your shopping cart? What do you keep kicking up on the curb and hoping somebody else is going to pick it up and take care of it? What is it for you? We have to face that. Return the cart, tell the truth about your effort, stop needing everything to feel good, raise your standards, not just your awareness, and parents, parent with purpose, please. Parent yourself with purpose, right? Small actions like the shopping cart reveal real character. Sorry, it just does. Therapy, parenting, relationships. Listen, it's not about feeling ready all the time. It's about choosing to act. You have to choose to act. So the next time you're tempted to leave the cart, ask yourself, what is in your life that you're also leaving behind? If you're leaving behind a shopping cart, what else is there? And maybe, you know, somebody's out there going, oh my gosh, that was me and my mom. I can't believe this woman is talking about us like this. That's my idea of a teenage girl voice. Sorry, ladies. I used to be one, so I can say that. If that's you and you're like, that's not who we are, awesome. Then here's the other thing. Your small actions revealed your character in a split second to me. And what did it say? Oof. They don't got a lot of drive. They don't have respect for other people's things. Like that could have knocked into somebody else's car. It spoke highly of who you are. Maybe it doesn't have to do with you actually, you know, doing counseling well or whatever, but it does speak to who you are. Maybe it's just lazy. Do you want to be called lazy? I don't. So the shopping cart test. It sent me over the edge, and like I told a client the other day, where do you get all your ideas for podcasts? Well, usually someone ticks me off. So there you have it. Test yourself. What are you leaving up on that curb? What is it? How's it serving you? Do you actually want to change or is it all an illusion? That's it for today. If this hit a nerve, good. That means you're paying attention. Change doesn't start in the therapy room. It starts in the parking lot, in the kitchen, on your calendar, and how you show up when no one's watching. If you're tired of circling the same block in your life, it might be time to walk the cart back and then come in and do the real work. You can find more about me at untangledmind.net, including my workbooks, blogs, and how to schedule a session if you're ready for therapy that doesn't coddle and has an expectation of action. Thanks so much for listening. I'll see you next time.