Hi, my name is Piper Harris, and welcome to the Untangled Mind podcast, where I help you untangle your mind to untangle your life's challenges. I'm a data-driven mental health therapist in the suburbs of Atlanta, Georgia, and a third-wave CDT expert for individuals with anxiety and trauma. On today's episode, I want to speak directly to those of you who've been told you are too much, too emotional, too intense, too complicated. I'll be walking you through what I call the too much toolkit. Six practical ways to get out of the wrong room and start reclaiming your worth. Let's get to it. So today we're talking about the too much toolkit and six ways for you to bust out of the wrong room. So I really want to talk about, um, and I think it's relevant for a lot of us, it's definitely relevant for me, the idea that sometimes we're too much, we're too sensitive, we're too intense, we're too emotional, too complicated. And why that narrative is really often less about you as it is about where you are. So let me start with this quick quote that I ran across, and I'm sure that you've heard it as well, and read this to you because it really stood out to me. And what it says in here is that a bottle of water can be 50 cents at the grocery store, $2 at the gym, $3 at the movies, or $6 on the plane. It is still the same water. So the only thing that changed about the value of the water is the place. So the next time that you feel your worth is nothing, maybe you're in the wrong place. Aye, so if that hits hard, especially like it did me, it's probably because you've been told you're too much at some point in your life. And so when I work with individuals with anxiety and trauma, you do hear this a lot. And even people like myself that are recovering uh anxious attachers, there's still kind of this idea or this insight or this deep-seated belief or thought that um I'm too much, you know. And so I spent a lot of years shrinking to fit into spaces that really couldn't hold me. And I've had to work through this, and I'm willing to bet that you are actually no different. So it was really interesting. Um, just the other day, I'm starting a new friendship with a friend, and we were just talking back and forth about different books and just kind of getting to know each other. And um, I had texted her and said, sorry, I haven't reached out a lot. I've actually been told I'm too much. So I'm trying not to be. What was really fabulous about this new friendship, and she responded, she's like, What are you talking about? She's like, You're not too much. I'll tell you when you're too much. I know what I'm getting into. So it was really great. It was an encouragement for me that, hey, she she genuinely embraces who I am and how I do life, and she doesn't see me as too much. So I wonder if you've had those situations in your life where you've felt like you're too much. And you know, what comes along with that? Is it, you know, deep uh, you know, insecurity in self? Maybe it's about externalized, like how do I look on the outside? Maybe it's about how you speak, how you think. I remember um I had a client last year, he was so great. He was witty, he was um a deep thinker, and he would say to me, I know I'm weird. And we talked a lot about it. And I'm like, Yeah, you're weird, but that's what makes you great. And we really worked on embracing those things in ourselves. And it's hard, just like with me, my too much came up, even though I feel like I'm a reformed anxious attacher and I've worked on that self-talk. It still comes up once in a while. So I really wonder if that's something that you're up against yourself. So today we're talking about the too much toolkit. All right. So here's six practical ways for you to bust out of being in the wrong space. It's the gas station, the plane, the gym. Maybe you're in a bougie restaurant, but maybe you're not supposed to be there. So I want to give you these six practical ways for you to bust out of those wrong spaces and into a space that really, you know, is capable of holding your intensity and your strength. Okay. So number one, you need to recognize the room. Okay, so before you assume that something's wrong with you or that there's, you know, you're too much, you really need to recognize the room that you are in. Okay. So before that assumption, I want you to ask yourself, is this room actually designed for people like me? Okay. Or does this room, do these people, value the insight, the emotion, and who I am, or do they typically avoid it? So too often we are been told, oftentimes in our developmental years, our attachment figures, or, you know, um, you know, some key moments in those developmental years that were too much. And so what we do then is we take in that person's truth about us. But I is that even true? Is it more or less about that individual is just trying to avoid something in you because it's like a reflection to them. I say this to clients all the time. In fact, actually, I said this to my son the other day. Something happened with a co-worker or something, and we were talking about it, and this guy was rude to him, and I said, you know, he's intimidated by you. And he goes, Why would he be intimidated by me? Like, because who you are, you're you have a really strong um foundation of who you are, was like holding up a mirror in his face, and he's like, uh, that's not me. So it was intimidating to him. So you've got to recognize, number one, you've got to recognize the room that you're in. So rather than assuming you're too much, you've got to ask yourself, is this person, this place, designed for people like me? And do they value someone like me? It's really important. Like my client, I told you, I'm like, dude, you are weird. I love it. This is great. We had so many interesting conversations that went on tangents, and I'd be like pulling them back and like, how does this tie in here? But it was fabulous. And really, I hope that what he recognized out of those conversations is that when he was hearing he was too much, it was more or less a misalignment with who he was with and what rooms he was in. It wasn't a failure on his his part, right? Hearing you're too much wasn't a failure. Actually, it was feedback telling him these people in this space is not designed for me. So if you're in an environment that diminishes you, you're in the wrong place. It is not proof of some defect. It is not proof of some defect. So, number two, we have got to watch out for emotional reasoning. This is one of the most common cognitive distortions. One of the most. So essentially what emotional reasoning is, is it says, if I feel like I'm too much, therefore I am too much. That's emotional reasoning. So if it feels like you're too much, your brain actually oftentimes automatically decides it's true. Our brain has a negative bias, and so it skews negative a lot of times, add on top of it, you know, narratives from our attachment figures growing up, developmental years. You know, I feel this way, so therefore I am this way. So we have to challenge it. We have to challenge it. Just because something feels something, feels a certain way, does not mean it's facts. If you've listened to me, feelings aren't facts. They might um clue you into something, but oftentimes our feelings and how we've defined them have been misdefined and placed in our brain in the wrong way. And I talk about this with my my clients that just because a feeling feels a certain way doesn't necessarily mean that that feeling is accurate. So challenge it. Emotion isn't evidence. So challenge the thought of I'm too much. Challenge it and say, okay, well, is this like an old script or is it an accurate reflection of who I am today? A lot of clients say to me, Well, I really don't know because like I don't trust myself. Okay, phone a friend, ask somebody, ask a coworker, somebody that is trustworthy, that they're not gonna, you know, treat you terribly. Ask your therapist. Because often we see ourselves in such a much negative light than typical. Just like this new friend I told you about, she really called me out on it. She's like, No, you're not too much. And if you're too much, I'm going to tell you. So just her doing that with me definitely told me I've got the right person in my room. Kaya. So, number three, what we need to check in ourselves when we have been told we're too much, is we've got to check for shrinking behaviors. This is huge. So, shrinking behaviors is when we make ourselves than to be accepted. So, you see this a lot with anxiety, people pleasing. Um, we see these shrinking behaviors because it's like, well, if I acquiesce or I become a chameleon for this community, therefore they're going to accept me. Checking behavior, excuse me, shrinking behaviors are really about that internalization of someone else's limits on you. They're telling you you're too much, but that's what they're telling you. So you've internalized somebody else's limits for you. That doesn't necessarily mean that is you. So when you're checking for shrinking behaviors, I want you to ask yourself, am I toning myself down to be accepted? That's a big one. Am I hiding my story, my needs, or my depth? And then lastly, am I walking on eggshells in work or relationships? And let me tell you, if you're walking on eggshells in therapy, you need to go somewhere else. But shrinking behaviors really is this enormous indication of your internalization of somebody else's limits on you? Okay. Are you too much? Hold on. Are you shrinking in that relationship? If you're shrinking in that relationship, that friendship, that relationship, you need to ask yourself, does this individual prefer me shrunken, smaller than? And why? Why do they have needs to set limits on you know who I am? What is that saying to you? So really check those shrinking behaviors. Okay, number four of how we're going to bust out of this, I'm too much, and we're sitting in the wrong room, all of that. Number four is don't mistake tolerance for capacity. Don't mistake tolerance for capacity. So just because someone can sit in a room with you or sit near you doesn't mean that they're capable of holding it. I see this so much with individuals that have especially gone through um major grief. So a lot of times I hear from my grief clients that um what they discovered is a lot of people left them after, like, say, a spouse died. And it was because they couldn't sit in the space of the loss, that the people could kind of tolerate them, but they weren't capable of embracing them, sans like a spouse or whatever it may be. So I see this so, so much. Or for example, I see this a lot with PTSD, especially with my law enforcement. Um, a lot of times my my officers come in and they've they've got a lot of the symptomology, whether it's irritability, anger, um, they might be doing some risky behaviors and or they're having nightmares, and then a spouse will come in with them, and the spouse is like, what the hell? And there's no capacity to not always, but there's no capacity to embrace this individual who's really fighting their for their lives out, trying to get out of this traumatic experience. So again, tolerance doesn't mean that they are capable of sitting with you and being with you and embracing you. So just because they can sit in the room doesn't mean they're capable of holding it well. So low capacity spaces, low capacity spaces often can tolerate a little bit of pain, but they don't know what to do with it. Okay, so they can kind of tolerate you, but if you're like too much, they they don't know what to do. And oftentimes you're just left out by yourself. High capacity spaces, high capacity spaces, that's where somebody can embrace you, somebody can um, you know, support you. So you can see that obviously in a therapist's office. You can see that like with this new friend that I'm starting. Those are high capacity spaces. Those are the spaces that are like, yeah, I know you're a bottle of water, but I actually think you are valued at a $6 bottle of water. I'm not gonna put you for 50 cents. That's a high capacity space. That's a high capacity relationship. You're not being told you're too much. They're saying, I think you're amazing. You're six bucks worth, right? You, you, I, I want to hold space for you. So again, don't miss uh mistake tolerance for capacity. Okay. Number five, number five. So rather than thinking, I'm too much, or what's wrong with me, you've got to ask better questions. Gotta ask better questions. So when I, you know, chatted with this new friend of mine, I had to sit there and ask a better question. Piper, are you too much? Or like, what's what's this really about? Why did this insecurity come up for you? And so by asking better questions, by asking deeper questions, we can really unravel what's going on. So as I unraveled mine, what I was able to discover is that I could really use uh a woman friend. I'm gonna be 47. It gets harder and harder to make good relationships. We're the busy, busiest part of our lives. Um, I can tend to have some um eccentricities, I guess you could say. And so I was just feeling like, gosh, I really, really want a friend and I really, really, really want them to like me. But I had to look at that. So when I was saying to her, yeah, I can be too much, what I was actually saying is like, I'm lonely for a female friendship, and I really want this, um, and I'm afraid that you won't choose me. I'm afraid you won't choose me. Ugh, like when I got to that point of like, I'm afraid I won't be chosen, yikes, but it really helped me to unravel what was going on rather than get caught up in the emotion of I'm not good enough or I'm too much. It's like, what is this actually about? I just want to be chosen. Like the more I thought about it, I'm like, I'm like that stinking kid back on the grade school playground. I was super fat. I had these giant glasses, I wore headgear, y'all. My mom made these stupid, like homemade hairbows. I mean, I was the epitome of a nerd. And it was almost like I was kind of um projecting that younger self onto who I am today. Like, please pick me, please pick me. Let me be on your team, please pick me. So ask better questions when you're stuck. So rather than saying, am I too much or what's wrong with me, ask yourself, what kind of room am I trying to be accepted in? You're amazing and wonderful. You deserve to find your people in your space that embraces that. Ask yourself, is this space built for growth or is it just kind of like this fake faux comfort? Listen, it's okay that we have different spaces. I've talked about this before with my analogy of the swimming pool. It's okay to have basic relationships. So I talked that about that like in the shallow end. Go out, hang out with someone, say hello, maybe you see them twice a year. That's your shallow end relationships. It's okay just to have those kind of relationships. But if you're looking for depth, if you want somebody in the deep end, they have to know how to tread water and lift you up when you're drowning, and vice versa. We shouldn't have a ton of people in our deep end. I think too often we put people there and they don't belong there. But again, ask yourself, is this space built for growth or is it just comfort? Or is it just kind of like, you know, an acquaintance? You need to define it so you know what it is. And then finally, you need to ask yourself, is this person, is this space challenging me or is it trying to contain me? So that goes back to the tolerance aspect. If someone's trying to contain you, you need to ask yourself, why? Why are they trying to contain me? I remember years and years and years ago, it dawned on me that I was continuing to do my own self-work and I had this particular friendship. And it dawned on me that she was gleeful every time I was a mess about something. But if I was confident in something or excited about something, she crapped all over it. I mean, so many times. I remember one time I was shopping in Target. The boys were little and I got a break, and my husband had the boys, and I I was it was in the middle of my chefing days, and I was doing um master chef. I was working my way to getting onto master chef, and I remember I was shopping for an outfit, and I was telling her that I was nervous and you know, I was just kind of chatting away, and she stops me. I will never forget it. I was like, I can literally see myself in the middle of Target. She goes, Why are you always talking about yourself in this chefing stuff? It's just an outfit. It was so mean. Now, do I need to look back at that and say, okay, well, were you talking too much about yourself? What I can tell you is, no, I attracted yet another narcissist in my life. But I I remember that moment. She wanted to make me so small. She wanted to contain me. She she wasn't challenging me. She wanted me to be acquiesced to her and her needs. So sometimes um the biggest growth, what I want to say when you ask these better questions, is sometimes the biggest growth from actually exiting the familiar. And that's really hard. I'm not saying break up with your family, I'm not saying any of those things. Boundaries are important, but sometimes the best growth for us comes from exiting those relationships. Okay, because they're just tolerant or they want you to shrink to make them feel better. Okay, lastly, number six, build a room of your own, of course. So not every room belongs to you, nor should you be there. Sometimes we got to build our own space. We just need to. So choosing a space, choosing people, choosing therapy that um is going to fit for your space is so important. You've got to surround yourself with people that aren't intimidated by your story. Um, yesterday I had a really fun phone call with a guy that invited me to be on his podcast. And we were talking, and I said, Hey, I want to talk to you before I say yes. I think this is, you know, important for us to get to know each other. And I was just, he's like, Okay, tell me about you, tell me about your story. And I was kind of telling him all the things I've done. He's like, What? Okay, what haven't you done? Now I'm not saying this again, I'm not saying this to fluff myself, but I just have a lot of different work history because I was trying to find my way. But he said it in a way of that's super cool. That's super cool that you've done all these different things. And so it was really neat to have a conversation with someone who wasn't intimidated by my story. In fact, he asked more questions, like, really, how did you get into that? Are you kidding? What happened with that? Like, when you can find those individuals that um they're not intimidated by their story, your story, they want to learn more about you. You have built a really good space. You have built a really good room. And and you need that. You need people to challenge you, you need people to embrace you. They want, you need people that um thrive on your individuality. It's wonderful, and there's no intimidation there. So, again, when you're building, you build your own room. Not every room belongs to you, and you've got to build your own. So also choose spaces that ask better questions. Don't flinch at answers. Um, I think it's important that we don't live in echo chamber. I think we have to have similarities in some of our relationships. But if we can be in a room with people, in a space with people, maybe they don't agree with us and we don't think the same way, but they're not telling you you're too much. If they tell you you're too much, then they're in the wrong room or you're in the wrong room. You know, this is this is what we have to do. We are allowed to say, this is this space is not working for me. I'm not too much. This is just who I am. And you need to be okay with that. Now, what I'll say is sometimes I am too much for people. Sometimes I am, and that's okay. Most of the time I'm okay with it, except when I'm like, gosh, I really want this person to choose me. I'm like that little kid on, you know, remember um Red Rover, Red Rover. Like, somebody choose me, somebody choose me. Um, so there are times where we feel intimidated and And that sort of thing and insecure, but as a whole, you need to choose spaces where the people want to ask questions, want to dive into these things and not flinch at who you are. Okay. So those are the six ways that you can bust out of being in the wrong room and thinking you're too much. So this too much toolkit really talks about you've got to recognize the room that you're in. Okay. So before assuming that something's wrong with you, you need to ask, is this even the right place for me to be? You know, you're the same water, but are you being treated like you're in the gas station when what you really want to be is in the gym, whatever it may be. Number two, watch that emotional reasoning. The most common cognitive distortion, just because you feel something doesn't mean that it's facts. Okay. Number three, you have to watch for shrinking behavior. Stop making yourself small. Stop making yourself small. You deserve to take up space in this world. I I bet you are wildly beautiful with all your quirks. Um, stop shrinking. Stop shrinking. You're just probably in the wrong room. Number four, don't miss tolerance mistake, excuse me, tolerance for capacity. Just because someone tolerates you doesn't mean they have the capacity of embracing you. Number five, ask better questions. Ask better questions. Just ask better questions rather than what's wrong with me. Am I too much? Don't ask that. And number six, just build your own damn room. So you are not too much. You're not too much. I'm not too much. Well, okay, sometimes I'm too much. But it's okay. We're not um a fit for all places and all people. We're just not. And we shouldn't have that feeling of being demanded to be less than. Okay. That's not who you are. When we feel like we're too much, this is this is uh an irrational belief that we're holding about ourselves. Okay. So what if you're a little quirky? That's not a character flaw. That's uh a sign, that's feedback of gosh, these people can't embrace all of me. So if this resonates with you, please check out my full blog on untangledmind.net. Or if you want to connect with me um through one of my workbooks or sessions, I invite you to do that because we all deserve a room that respects our depth and doesn't resent it, right? So until next time, stay grounded, stay clear, and stay out of those uh discount areas. You have tremendous value. Thanks for spending a few minutes with me today on the Untangled Mind podcast. If something in this episode hit home, take it as a prompt, not a punch. You're not too much. You're likely just overdue for a space that can hold what you carry. If you're ready for therapy that's structured, honest, and built for change, not just comfort, head on over to untangledmind.net to learn more. And if this message spoke to you, share it. Send it to someone who needs to hear they're not broken, they're just in the wrong room. You can also like, follow, or leave a review so more people can find clarity when they need it most. Until next time, stay clear, stay steady, and don't shrink to fit. You weren't made for discount spaces.