Hey there and welcome back to Untangled Mind Podcast. I'm Piper Harris, and today we're diving into a theme I see in every single client I work with. Relationship breakdown. Whether it's marriage, with families, or with friends, or even in professional life, relational ruptures show up in the therapy room every time. And they don't just exist on their own. They intensify trauma, they heighten anxiety, and they add to emotional distress. I like to use the analogy of a ship because relationships are a lot like sailing. A well-built ship can handle storms. But when the hole is cracked, the sails are torn, or the navigation is unclear, you're not going anywhere. Or worse, you're sinking. So today I want to talk about these three essential parts of keeping your relationships seaworthy standards, boundaries, and expectations. We'll also look at the warning signs that your ship might already be taking on water. Well, hey everyone. You know, it's really funny. I felt like I hadn't done a podcast in a really long time, and I looked at it and was like, oh, it's been like three and a half weeks, Piper. So I guess I just really missed it. So today we are talking about using our ship metaphor or analogy surrounding standards, boundaries, and expectations. I will tell you that every single person that comes into the therapy room, whether it's about trauma, anxiety, um, there's always some sort of relational rupture because I think that's just life, right? We're interpersonal creatures. We should be. We're in community, whether that is, you know, more intimate relationships with our partner or our spouse, or whether it's more with our colleagues, there are going to be relational um ruptures. And it's really important for us to understand and identify these different areas because I think we get them confused. And so a lot of times we're entangling this in sessions. So I thought this would be great. Um, I wrote a blog about this, excuse me. So feel free to head on over to untangledmind.net if you'd like to read and read more about um this blog. But let's dig into this. So, as you heard in the um intro, we're talking about standards. So these are the whole of the ship, H-U-L-L. I feel like I say that word funny, but the whole of the ship. So let's talk with those standards. Think of them as the whole, and that's what keeps the whole ship intact. So that's the part that allows it to stay afloat even when the waves are strong. So you can imagine if the hole is weak, you're going down. So in relationships, standards are those values and non-negotiables of your life. Okay, so that's what the standards are. They're the whole of the ship. So it's not about controlling others with those standards, it's really about defining how you live and what you stand for. A lot of people get this confused with boundaries. So examples of um standards that are really powerful are things like I don't lie, or I don't tolerate contempt or ridicule, or I take responsibility for my actions. My husband has always been amazing with teaching my sons, um, we when we commit to something, we follow through. Period. That's a standard. So even if the boys in the past have been like, oh my gosh, I'm so tired, or I just don't feel like hanging out, it's like too bad. You already made a commitment, we follow through on commitments. So that's a standard. So when we live by clear standards, people know where you stand. And your relationships have more stability, right? Because your your hole isn't full of holes, right? But when you start compromising your standards to, you know, keep peace or whatever it may be, resentment starts to build and that water starts to seep in. So, for example, I once had a client who told me that her standard was self-care and safety because she had endured 20 plus years of physical abuse. And so that that commitment became, you know, one of those boards or those planks in the hole. It was her way of saying, you know, this ship, me, will never sail in dangerous waters again. That was her standard. But when she knew when she entered into a new relationship, I started to hear her waver. So there was like small compromises and these little justifications. And I pointed out to her, hey, uh, your standard is slipping. And if you let that standard slip, what's going to happen to the ship? Your ship can you know start bringing on water without you even noticing. And so we really need to be aware of those standards. And the danger is, is when standards are starting to be compromised, what we do is it's like this little hairline crack and it can grow. And then pretty soon we're flooded, right? So we'll talk more about how um there's the warning signs that we need to see when it comes to standards. But for now, the key point is that without strong standards, you don't even have a ship. Okay. No ship. There's no ship without strong standards. In fact, you just have driftwood. So if you're sitting there thinking about, well, what are my standards? Piper, I don't know what they are. Then I really suggest that you sit down and really contemplate what are those standards in my life. I know that my standards have shifted. Um, the standards will shift as we mature, as we have life experience, but I'm very aware of what my standards are today. Standards are really those personal standards. These are not about our expectations of others. We're going to talk about that too, or boundaries. This is about where we stand, where we stand. So one of my standards is for myself is I'm always going to work hard. I'm not going to sit back and let life pass me by. Meaning this, uh, I thought that I was way behind on podcasts. Do I have to do a podcast? No, but it's a standard that I set for myself because I really enjoy one doing them. Two, I think the education aspect is really helpful. I was talking to a client today who wants to start a podcast. And I had actually talked to a new mentee that I'm bringing on, and they both are talking about podcasts and you know what that's going to look like. And I said, you know, the most important thing for you to understand is when you're starting a podcast, don't start a podcast based on an expectation of where it's going to go. When I told this client today, I said, I do a podcast as a form of giving. This is me giving. You know what? If one person listens to it and it matters to them, great. I really don't care if no persons listen to it. And believe me, I can see when people listen and don't listen. But that's not the point. My standard is I am going to give this because I believe that it's important and I really enjoy it. So that's one of my standards. So again, you need to really be aware. What are these standards? What standards do I hold for myself? Another standard for me is I will always, always, always follow Jesus Christ. Period. That that's it. Transmission is. So that's another standard. So you really need to consider those standards. And again, if you start noticing that you're compromising, oof, watch out, watch out with that. Okay, next one, we are going to talk about boundaries. Now, this is where people get really confused. So, like, well, Piper isn't a standard a boundary. No, that is not what it is. A standard is what you live by. A boundary is essentially saying, um, this is how I'm going to steward my time, my energy, or my capacity. It's how you show up without burning out. I tell clients all the time, boundaries are not about keeping people out. That has nothing to do with it. It's about saying, hey, this is what I'm capable of doing. This is how I'm able to share my energy. So the boundaries in this analogy are the sails or the rigging. Okay. So if the hole is what holds the ship together, right? Then the sails and the rigging are what catch the wind and give it direction. So boundaries work the same way in relationships. They don't exist, like I said, to push people overboard. They exist to protect your capacity. And that ensures that your energy isn't moving the ship forward or it is moving the ship forward rather than it's tearing it apart. So here's something really important to know. Most people, and we've talked about this before, will not like your boundaries, especially if you have been lacking boundaries, because frankly, your lack of boundaries is often how they were able to manipulate, control, or use you. So when you finally set those clear boundaries, the dynamic shifts and they really push back. That is not cruelty on your part. That is not cruelty on your part. Okay. So often many of my clients struggle with this. They tell me, you know, I don't want to see mean or harsh or unkind by setting boundaries. But here's the truth: you are not responsible for how someone acts and feels about your boundary. You're only responsible for setting it with clarity and respect. But it is so hard, isn't it? Isn't it when we've been raised in environments where we've been raised to fulfill the needs of attachment figures to set a distinct boundary because everything in us is like, oh, I can't do that. Oh my gosh, I can't do that. Even if you're, you know, a 60-year-old adult child. That is because your brain, everything, your belief system has been developed and grown in an environment where the boundaries aren't yours. They're they're the attachment figures' boundaries. And so oftentimes that'll leach into other relationships as well. So again, you're not cruel for telling people, hey, this is what I'm capable of doing. Um, you're not, you're not responsible for how they react or how they feel about that. And listen, boundaries can really be spoken very plainly and kindly. So for example, I recently had an interaction with someone that I made a very clear boundary with. And I was like, okay, I can be your friend, but I cannot be your therapist. And unfortunately, they didn't like it. And it wasn't like an explosive reaction by any means, but there was definitely a resistance to when I made this boundary. And I felt that tug. Like I felt like a ugly it rubbed me the wrong way. And I recognized if I keep leaning into this and I just let this go, that's like a small tear in my sale. And a small tear is gonna get bigger and bigger. So I had a choice. I could either completely ghost this person and step away without explanation, or I could be direct. And so I chose honesty. And so I said, you know, our listen, our last conversation, it left me really reconsidering pursuing a friendship. But at this time, I'm just not looking to do that. So some of you may hear that and think, ouch, Piche Piper, that's like super harsh. But here's the question: what's actually more kind for me to just disappear and leave someone guessing? Or is it better to be clear, respectful, and direct? I I don't know. I'm getting to the point where I'm like, I much prefer honesty. A lot of times, those of us that are mid-40s and on are like, we're just tired of the BS, we're tired of the fluff. Just say what you mean, mean what you say, and that's where I'm at. So the way this individual responded to me told me everything I needed to know. They didn't take responsibility or show care with what I said. They could have said, oh my gosh, please tell me. I I I had no idea. Can we have a conversation about this? But they did not. And that confirmed my boundary was necessary because without me setting that boundary and without them respecting it, it meant that those sails would have been shredded over and over and over again. So boundaries are not cruel. They're the sails that keep your ship moving forward. And without them, you do really end up adrift, exhausted, and super resentful. So with them, you can preserve your strength and you can ensure that you show up fully where it matters. Okay. So expectations. This is the doozy. This is the issue that everybody has. So expectations are what we would consider like the navigation agreements. So with every strong hole and sturdy sails, a ship has to have navigation. And without it, it's in danger, correct? So that's where expectations come in. Expectations are the navigation agreements. So that's like the map, the shared course that tells everyone on board where you're headed. This is not standards, those are different. Expectations are what we do in community, what we do with people. So here's where most relationships get in trouble. Because a lot of times, nine out of 10 times, expectations often go unspoken. And when they're unspoken, these aren't expectations at all. They're assumptions. And assumptions sink your ship. So a healthy expectation sounds something like we agreed to talk about big financial decisions before we act, or um we agree to give each other space after conflict, or we agree to be on time when we meet. These are expectations. But too often I hear individuals working to overcome like complex trauma who have absorbed these unspoken assumptions about themselves. So that might be I am broken, um, I'm worthless, I don't deserve, I don't deserve like stability or care. So these aren't just thoughts, they become their internal navigation system. And so when someone carries that system into a healthy relationship, it actually distorts reality. And so then what they're doing is they're actually living out assumptions instead of speaking expectations. And ultimately, that can implode something that could be really healthy and spectacular. So, for example, if someone believes deep down, um, you know, I'm one worthy, then when their partner may not anticipate every need or notice every shift in mood, they assume rejection. Instead of saying, hey, I could really your use your reassurance right now, the assumption becomes they must not love me or they don't care. And so that's that's how a real healthy, steady course gets totally thrown off in stormy waters. We see this a lot in intimate relationships because we do work on assumptions, especially if you had a long-term relationship, like we assume things. Well, that's not helpful. Expectations are explicitly stated. Um, so when we explicitly state expectations, it matters so much more. They aren't just like agreements with others, they're a way of um correcting faulty maps, whether it's trauma or anxiety. And so by naming what's real and fair and separating that from what's assumed, we steer toward clarity, connection, and trust instead of letting those old beliefs come in, right? And then you're crashing against the rocks. Yes, I'm gonna stay with the ship analogy. Uh, there's this great quote by uh Seneca and said, if one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable. Okay, so without a shared destination, so expectations, even the strongest standards and boundaries cannot save your journey. Did you hear that? Without a shared destination or expectation, the strongest standards and boundaries cannot save you. Period. We need all three of these. And hopefully I'm delineating what they look like and how they're different. So there are some warning signs to know your ship is sinking. So first, number one, if you find yourself speaking in assumptions, like you should have known, okay, that's number one, there's a warning flag right there. That that needs a reframe right away. So if you're constantly speaking in assumptions or you have someone constantly speaking to you in assumptions, like you should just know that. Um, you need to understand, oof, this is a warning sign. Second, you must notice when your standards are shifting. If you compromise your integrity or your values just to keep things calm, you are really in dangerous waters. You're gonna start sinking your own shift ship. When your standards start to shift, that is a huge warning sign. Third, when boundaries are ignored or they're consistently breached, okay, this means that those sales are freeing and you're going to become exhausted and resentful. You've got to pay attention to when those boundaries are ignored or breached. And hey, by the way, if you keep ignoring and breaching your own boundaries, that's on you too. You need to hold yourself to your boundaries as well. You can't say I'm holding a boundary and then not hold it. That doesn't work. Fourth, when uh no one is clear about direction. So, like in families, it looks like maybe constant conflict about priorities or who's in charge in professional life. It could look like um confusion around roles and goals. So we do need direction. We do need direction that's expectations as well there. And finally, when you start feeling resentment, that is smoke below the deck. So chronic resentment means, um, chronic resentment, excuse me, means that something's really out of alignment. And you need to go back to what are my standards, what are my boundaries, and what are the expectations that we've spoken. If any of those are askew, then you need to go back and you need to work through those all over again. Because again, resentment is one of those things. If you let resentment grow, there's nothing that can save a relationship. It's just a killer. It's just a killer. I see people that they grow resentment and then there's this disgust and disdain. And once you get to that disgust and disdain, it's it's it's over. It's over. So, so to steer your relationships well, we need all three, right? Like I'm saying, we need all three, a strong hole, which is your standards, you need intact sails, which are your boundaries, and you need clear navigation, which are expectations. So when all three of these are in place, you're not just surviving storms. You're actually going to move with purpose towards something meaningful. But as we've learned, when they're missing, your ship starts to break down or it sinks altogether. Okay. And that's when trauma, anxiety, and emotional distress get heavier and heavier and heavier. So in my practice, every client comes in carrying some form of relational breakdown. Me too. And it always intensifies our pain. Always. But it doesn't have to stay that way. So with clarity and structure and intentional work, intentional work, you have to be intentional with this. Relationships can be steadied, they can be restored, and they can be strengthened. Thanks so much for joining me today on the Untangled Mind podcast. If you're ready to repair your ship and chart a new course, I invite you to schedule a consultation with me. You don't have to navigate this alone. And be sure to like, follow, and share this podcast to stay up to date with new episodes being dropped. Thanks again for listening to Untangled Mind Podcast. Until next time, keep your hole strong, your sail secure, and your navigation clear.