Hi, my name is Piper Harris, and welcome to the Untangled Mind Podcast, where I help you untangle your mind to untangle life's challenges. I'm a data-driven mental health therapist based in the suburbs of Atlanta, Georgia, and an expert in third-wave CBT therapy for individuals dealing with anxiety and trauma. On today's episode, I'm digging into the darker side of choice, how biases like rumination or problame thinking or fear of error keep us stuck, and how you can recognize these patterns in yourself and move forward with clarity. Thanks again for joining me on the Untangled Mind Podcast. Let's get started.net slash blog. But really the tyranny of choice, what I speak to is the we have way too many options, I think, and they can paralyze, paralyze us, excuse me, and keep us stuck in rumination or in these kind of like endless conversations about what we might do rather than what we're actually doing. But today, what I want to talk about is the darker side of choice. So because um choice doesn't just overwhelm us, it actually can expose the darker parts of how we think and how we protect our egos. And I want to speak to it today because I think that this is really relevant right now. What's going on in our nation, what's going on in our world is that we are really kind of seeing dark, darker sides of things. And this is not a political statement, um, but we all have to be aware of this darker side of choice and these biases that get in our way because we just want to protect our egos. And again, um you can go to the blog and read about this, but it's really important for us to um recognize if we're not honest with ourselves, that we'll just keep circling patterns and calling it thinking things through when it's actually avoidance or um, you know, just there's just just a darker side of so many choices. So if you think about this, we have a million different streaming services that we can choose from, right? We can get on Amazon and it's like an endless scroll of choices. Um, we can see this when it comes to launching a new product, like how do I do this? What's going on? I see this a lot, obviously, in the therapy room, and I've fallen prey to this as well. I have the tendency to choose all the choices and burn myself out, if that makes sense. Like, oh, okay, I could do this or I could do this or I could do this, and so I just do all of it, and none of them are particularly good. Or I see people say, Well, this is what I want to do, but then they just they're paralyzed. They're they're like, I don't know where to go because there's so many choices to move towards that direction. But there's this really darker side to all of this choice, and I wanted to speak to the darker side of it. So the first darker side of it is this bias as ego protection. So as humans, we have this built-in need to protect our sense of self. All of us have it. So psychologists call this ego ego protection. So what we really want to believe is that we're competent and rational and good decision makers. But when we're faced with really difficult decisions, maybe even especially like ambiguous ones, that self-image feels threatened. Most times this is not a conscious driver. Most times people are um working in or out of that ego protection and they're just kind of being pulled by the nose by it. So it's really important for us to be aware of when our ego protection shows up. So you can think about ego protection if you think about like a little kid and you caught them taking another cookie and they say, Well, I didn't do that. And no, that wasn't me. So that's it's not really about just um I didn't take the cookie, but it's really this ego protection. Well, if I tell mommy that I I took the cookie, then mommy's gonna think that I'm a bad little boy or little girl. So we all have we all have this ego protection. Um, and so this really shows up when there's so much choice. So this is where we um find something called pro-blame bias, and this is how it shows up. It's our tendency when we're doing this ego protection, it's our tendency to pin responsibility on other people or external circumstances when things go wrong or when there's just too many choices and we do nothing, rather than looking at ourselves. So it's it's safer for our ego to say, it wasn't my fault, or I just there's too many choices to choose from, the situation was impossible, rather than to admit, you know, I froze and I avoided making the call. So that's really important to understand when we are faced with lots of choice, that this ego protection pops in and is called a pro-blame bias. And so we really need to be aware of if we're falling into this that that state of blaming everything else. And there is also something that this connects to called our external locus of control. So that's the belief many times that outcomes are um controlled by more of like outside forces than by your own actions. And so on the surface, when we step into this bias, on the surface can feel very comforting, right? It's like, well, if it's not on me, then I'm totally safe from blame, right? So the trade-off is though that you give up your agency, so you you hand your freedom, right, back to the tyrant of choice and you just like stay stuck. Does that make sense? So we've got this ego protection that comes up through pro-blame, bias, and the external locus of control. I see this all the time, all the time. And I think we're seeing this in particular in our environment right now, but when people come to therapy, some people are really ready. In fact, this weekend had some friends over and we were talking about um when people are ready or not ready to do the work in therapy. Um, we were just kind of having a conversation of, you know, not everybody likes my way of doing things. Because as a therapist, I believe that I want to build up your locus of control. You need to have that internal locus of control rather than self-blame or excuse me, others blame or external locus of control, kind of that outward blame. I want to give you the tools to have that internal compass to make decisions, to utilize tools, all of those things. But I can tell you that a lot of times clients come in and they're like, I'm not gonna do that. And ultimately they do leave because I hold them accountable to what they said they want to do. Um, so we had this really great conversation the other night that you know I'm not for everyone and I recognize that, but I am really keen on helping people identify their biases and how they're continuing to keep them stuck. Rather than blaming everybody else, rather than saying, well, there's just so many choices for me to make, I really call them to focus on that. Now, some people I will challenge them and their their ego protection is so enormous, they don't even hear the challenge of that. Um, and so unfortunately, those are the situations where um I find myself trying to challenge them over and over again, and it they just the the ego protection is so great they they don't hear it. But again, um we see this, right? We see this all the time. So, what's really interesting too, that I want to speak to when we're we have this tyranny of choice. We have all these decisions that we have to make. And so oftentimes we'll see people right do the ego protection, this pro-blame bias, it's their fault or it's the environment's fault or whatever may go on. But here's kind of an even darker side of these things, and that's manipulation through the displacement of decisions. So that's this other layer that often gets overlooked. And the way people sometimes use the act of displacing a decision is a form of manipulation. And I know that's really hard to like a hard pill to swallow. I've said this before to people as a reformed people pleaser, and I'm definitely a reformed people pleaser, that I had to recognize on one side of the coin, people pleasing, um, I'm giving to others, I'm doing everything for them, but on the other side of the coin, I had to recognize that I was using people pleasing and giving, giving, giving to manipulate their choice of choosing me. Does that make sense? That people pleasing is actually manipulation. And I had to really recognize that I was trying to manipulate people into liking me. And ultimately, what did people pleasing do? All it did was attract people that were just life suckers. They didn't care about me at all, they were just getting their needs met. But I had to recognize that I was utilizing people pleasing as a form of manipulating um people into caring for me, even though the care really wasn't real. So you might ask, you know, why would someone do that? Why would someone manipulate through displaced decisions? Okay, so I see this a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot in the therapy room where um it's like they're displacing a decision to be honest with a spouse. They're displacing a decision um to it, it's usually a spouse or a partner because it's a form of manipulating outcomes or it's a form of manipulating the individual. It sounds gross, I know, because deep down they ultimately feel a loss of control. So by stalling or avoiding or pushing the responsibility onto someone else, they think they're actually regaining control, right? Not for themselves, but over the outcome. So it's an illusion of control through others. So we do we see this in subtle ways. Um, you can see it in half-truths or flat out lying, withholding information so that or so that like the defici the decision falls back onto someone else. Okay. Or it's just simply, I want the control. My husband tells a really funny story about his dad that he remembers growing up that they went to um car lots for literally two years before his dad decided to buy a vehicle. Now, do I think that this was manipulation? No, I think knowing my father-in-law, he just couldn't make a decision. Um, but he displaced the decision onto someone else, right? Like, well, this car lot's prices are ridiculous, or that car salesman is ridiculous, right? So it's a displacement of decisions so that um he feels like it's their fault, their responsibility. And it really gave him the illusion of control because he's just hopping from Carlot to Carlot, if that makes sense. But we do see this in these kind of darker sides of people when we see the half-truths or the lying or the withholding of information. I see this a lot. In fact, I remember a client, um, I had caught him doing this, where he had slipped in sharing information to his spouse about our time together. And I called him on, I said, Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second. So you're lying to your spouse about why you actually sought treatment with me, and now your spouse is spouting off about me not being a good therapist. And he kind of froze, like, oh crap. Um, that lie I told is is all of a sudden in my face. And it's just a form of protecting the ego, and I recognize that. But the problem is, the problem is that if things go poorly, like it did with this client, it ultimately sidesteps accountability for themselves and it can ruin a relationship. In fact, with this particular client, um, the relationship ended up ended up um, I closed it, based on the magnitude of lies. And that was for me as a therapist, recognizing this individual is not ready to choose responsibility at all. And so that's the problem, is that it really distorts responsibility when we use this kind of manipulation through displaced decisions, whatever it is that path proofs, the lying, you know, withholding information, what it really does is it distorts responsibility. So it's not just protecting the ego, it's really bending a situation to keep someone safe at the expense of honesty and agency and relationship. So here's the truth: when you rely on manipulation as your decision-making strategy, you may, you know, avoid blame in the short term, but you actually deepen mistrust in relationships. We see this all the time, especially when it comes to addictions, we see this a lot. And so, what unfortunately happens is that person robs themselves of the opportunity to grow, grow from failure. So avoiding discomfort of owning a decision always, always, always comes with a hidden cost. So I want to link this back to something else. So these biases or even this kind of yucky manipulation, we can link it back to something else that many of my clients are familiar with, and this is cognitive distortions. So these are those thinking errors that distort our perception of reality. Please don't get me started on perception is reality. That's funk. I don't believe in that. Um, perception is not reality. Perception is perception, and there is reality, if that makes sense. But we're not going to go down that that little rabbit trail. So you've heard me talk about some distortions like all or nothing thinking, catastrophizing, um, personalization. So the pro-blame bias fits right into this list. It's a distortion of responsibility. You'll find when you study um cognitive biases and distortions, there's a lot of overlapping. Because again, if you think of a cognitive bias um and a distortion, this is something that the brain does automatically called a heuristic. It's a shortcut. But unfortunately, the brain takes shortcuts that are often and then they loop over and over and over again. Your brain loops over and over again and become it becomes a total distortion. It's actually not a logical loop. So you'll see this with cognitive biases and distortions. So instead of seeing, let's go back to this kind of um pro blame bias. Instead of seeing a role in a situation with balance, right, we inflate the role of others and minimize our own. That's what happens. So, for example, if you're stuck in like a current career decision, you might say, Well, my boss doesn't support me, so I can't move forward. Have you ever said that? Um, so and I get that. Sometimes we have to stay at the job, right? But is there something else you need to do? I worked with a gentleman years ago and he used to say the same thing. He's like, Well, my boss doesn't support me, so I can't move forward on this project. And I challenged him, how does your boss not support you? Well, ultimately what happened is this guy that I was working with was projecting a future that was absolutely incorrect. He never even directly asked his boss for support. He assumed he would not get support. So he didn't move forward. And ultimately, it was based in fear. It was ego protection. So sometimes we'll see this in relationships too. Um, if only they would change, then I could be happy. Come on, I know you've said that about your partner. If only they would change X, then Y I could be happy. If you hear yourself say if and then statements, you are solidly smack dab in the middle of a distortion. Solidly. Those if-then statements are going to keep you in that rheumative loop and you're never gonna get out of it. And again, what are you doing with that? You're displacing all of responsibility onto someone else and taking none of your own. I see this in marriage therapy, and I know if you've heard listen to me before, I refuse to do marriage therapy anymore. I gave it one go this year, and it was a complete disaster. It was a dumpster fire. God love the therapists that specialize in this. You are special people because I don't have the um what's the word I'm looking for? Uh, patience to do that. Um, because there's constantly, if he would just do this, then I'd be happy. Or if she would do this, I would be happy. I mean, it's just constantly throwing blame at one another and not taking accountability for anything. So again, notice what's happening in both of these scenarios. The power is absolutely being handed away. So by blaming outward, they're protecting their ego. But it also reinforces the belief that they can't change the situation until someone else changes it first. So that's paralysis disguised as logic. You hear me? I hear this all the time. Well, because I work here, I couldn't work there. Um, if they weren't like this, then I could be like this. Do you see that? So that that's paralysis. And you actually disguise it as logic, like you think you're logically thinking things through, but really you're stuck in this distortion and bias. It just kicks you in the butt. So we need to learn to identify our biases. So, how do you catch yourself in these patterns? Here are three questions that I recommend you ask yourself the next time you're stuck inside this cycle of choice where you recognize you are absolutely paralyzed and you're doing a diddly squat. So, number one, am I focusing more on what others did or didn't do than on what I can do? Am I focusing more on uh what others did or didn't do than what I can do? If your mental energy is going into cataloging other people's mistakes, you are solidly in pro-blame bias. If all you do is catalog everybody else's mistakes, you are actually firmly in that cognitive bias. I see this so much all the time. Number two, am I telling myself the outcome is mostly outside of my control? So check your locus of control. Yes, your circumstances matter. I get that, but ask what's within my sphere of influence. If you're constantly saying I can't, it's outside my control because of X, Y, and Z, really, what's in inside that sphere of influence? I see this a lot when people have really great ideas and they're constantly displacing things on the outside of control. Well, my office isn't decorated. Well, I haven't finished this. Well, I haven't done this. Well, I mean, there's just constantly something. And I might challenge and say, but here's a step you could take. Well, you know, there's always something outside of control. So you need to ask yourself, am I telling myself the outcome is mostly outside of my control? Okay, that's gonna tell you, oops, I'm in a bias. Number three, am I more afraid of making the wrong choice than I am of staying stuck? This is the fear of error talking. Okay, if avoiding mistakes feels safer than acting, you'll default to doing nothing. And that itself is a choice with consequences. I'm telling you, I see people do this all the time. The avoidance of mistakes they think feels safer, but it it's just paralysis. And that is a choice. The choice to do nothing is a choice, and then oftentimes when people have this fear of error, what they do is they don't make the choice, and then they default to blaming everybody else or the locust control. Like three question number three really feeds into question one and two. Do you see that? The fear of making the wrong choice is keeping them stuck. So then what they say is, well, it's somebody else's fault. I can't do anything, or the stuff is all completely out of my control. This is how you get stuck in this loop. And we've got to identify these biases. Listen, all of us do it, every single one of us do it. But if you are tired of being stuck and you're tired of feeling like you just, you know, um don't feel better or you just don't feel successful, well, you need To look in the mirror, this is how we do it. So there are steps to break free from this, and it's very practical. Um, so you you know, this this is something the action steps you can take right now. So, number one, name the distortion. When you catch yourself blaming outwardly, literally say to yourself, this is pro-bame blame by bias or others blame, just right then and there. Name it. Naming it brings it into awareness and weakens its hold, but you've got to name it immediately. And this is going to be hard for you to see because you've probably been doing this your whole life. Number two, flip the lens. Flip the lens. Instead of asking who caused this, ask what's one step I can take that's within my control. Even if it's small, you've got to shift and reclaim your agency. Stop handing agency out to everybody else, take responsibility. So, number one, name the distortion. Number two, flip the lens. Number three is challenge the fear of error. So, write down the worst case scenario of making this decision. Um, we we call this fear setting. It's great, it works out really, really well. Now, if you're prone to um circle the drain of fear setting and it really sets you off, do this with someone like your therapist or you know, someone that you can trust where you can do some fear setting. So, what's the worst case? Um worst case scenario, excuse me, of making a decision and then write the cost of staying stuck. Okay, what's the worst case scenario if I make this decision? But then what's it actually costing me? So this is cost-benefit analysis. Cost benefit analysis is so helpful. You can do this on a piece of paper. So, which is actually heavier to avoid making the decision and staying stuck or these worst-case scenario decisions, right? So, more often than not, the inaction actually costs you more in regret um than a misstep does in reality. Truly, truly. So challenge the fear of error. And number four, adopt a satisfying mindset or satisfacing mindset. So this is something that I talked about in the blog. Satisficing is something that was um developed by a um psychologist where it's kind of this antidote to doing nothing. So basically you aim for good enough rather than perfect. So instead of like endlessly scanning for you know best possible outcomes or endlessly scanning for the worst case scenario, satisficing S-A-T-I-S-F-I-C-I-N-G involves setting these minimum criteria. And um, when an option meets them, you act. Okay. So it really helps with kind of these heuristics that are fast, right? So it actually conserves mental energy and reduces regret and often helps with better outcomes. So you're not you're not completely stifled, you're not paralyzed, and you're actually going to feel a lot better about yourself. So set a minimum criteria before you decide. And when one option meets them, act. Stop searching for the perfect thing. Action creates clarity and it delays that deeper confusion. It really does. So here's another thing that I think is really important for us to talk about. What if you're caught in someone else's patterns? Now, maybe as you're listening, you're probably realizing, well, this isn't just me, Piper. I recognize I have my cognitive biases, but I am dealing with someone who does this all the time. So maybe it's a partner, maybe it's a colleague, even a friend. And let's be real, it is so frustrating. It can be highly disruptive. And if you're not careful, you can get pulled into their cycle of blame shifting, avoidance, or manipulation. It's really frustrating. I've personally been dealing with this. Um, I think all of us have been in this cycle with other people. And again, it's really important to recognize our own biases, the choices that we've made have led us to where we are today. So, what do you do if you're ensnared in somebody else's patterns? Here are three steps that you can take. First is name what's happening. Don't get lost in the weeds. Don't do it. Um, especially if it's manipulation at play. Don't get lost in their weeds. Quietly recognize that they're displacing responsibility or they're trying to shift this onto me. So clarity protects you from being dragged into the cycle. Number two, you've got to set boundaries. You don't have to carry their avoidance. So be clear about what is and isn't yours to decide or fix. For example, that's the choice you made. Like, I didn't make that choice, or that's up to you to not do something, but this doesn't, this is not on me. So boundaries really reduce the power um their behavior can have on you. And number three, refocus on your sphere. So shift attention back to what you can control, right? Your responses, your clarity, and your next steps. So you can reclaim your agency and stop feeding them, stop feeding that dynamic. Because oftentimes this um ego protection a lot of times swoops people into it, and all of a sudden we're on a ride with them. We're like, How did I get here? So you've really got to recognize what's happening, you got to name it, and you have to be deliberate in setting those boundaries. It's like, listen, you chose to avoid this. This is on you. Make a decision or not. My husband talked about something that took place with his work, and he had asked for someone to give him something for almost a month, and the person was really rude and was displacing, like, I'm gonna have to shut down all of this stuff because my husband said, Hold on a second. Here's the emails that I have sent you about the next steps. This is on you, bro. Like, this is not about what I haven't done. This is about what you haven't done. And so you really, when you get stuck in this cycle with people, you have to set those boundaries and be deliberate. Like, I I don't know what to tell you. I've given you A, B, C, D all the way to Z. You've done nothing with it. This is on you. If you have failure, that's about you not taking steps. This is not on me. So name what's happening, set those boundaries, and refocus on what you have control over. So here's your challenge for this week. Um, take one decision that you've been circling on, big or small, it doesn't matter, and write out how you've been thinking about it, right? Are you ruminating? Are you handing the power to someone else? Or are you convincing yourself that the safe move is to do nothing? Challenge yourself with this, then reframe it. Ask yourself, what's my role here? What is in my control, and what's good enough to move forward? And again, head on over to my blog and you can read more about that satisfacing. Um, it's really kind of fascinating. Although heuristics can kind of bite us in the butt, um, it is a way for you to move forward rather than constantly be paralyzed. So, in closing, the darker side of choice isn't just about being overwhelmed, it's about the ways we twist choice to protect our egos and avoid risk. There is definitely a darker side to choice. But the freedom, um, it doesn't come from perfect decisions at all. It just comes from honest decisions. We all have to be real with ourselves. We all have to. So if you tend to ruminate or you tend to blame others, call it what it is. I mean, look at yourself closely before you declare something is not good enough or you you blame somebody else and point the finger. What's this the saying always says, when you point your finger at somebody else, you have three more pointing back at you. You know, like come on, you've got to be real. That's what I love about um the practice of therapy. Or I maybe my clients don't love it. When I hold a mirror up in their face. And listen, here's the thing. I might challenge my clients and say, you need to hold the mirror up in your face. And believe me, half the time the mirror is facing me too. And I'm like, oh crap, I am such a hypocrite saying you need to look at this when they're doing when I'm doing the same thing. So you gotta be real with yourself. Stop blaming everybody else or your environment. Stop doing it. So before you declare something not good enough, you can actually turn to the satisfacing, right? This good enough into growth, not avoidance. So in the end, it's not perfection that changes our lives, it's the act of choosing, owning it, and moving forward. That's what this is about. So there is a darker side of too many choices, and it's all of these cognitive biases that can really bite us in the butt. Um, and we can use it as a form of control and manipulation. You gotta look at it, you gotta change it. And if you're stuck in a relationship with someone, maybe re-evaluate the decision to be in relationship with them. There, you can make choices, you can make decisions to shift and take agency back into your hands. That brings us to the end of this episode. Thanks so much for joining me. I hope you learned some tools that can equip you to untangle your mind and untangle your life. If you're curious about working with me for your anxiety or trauma, head on over to my website at untangledmind.net. Connect with me. You can also say hi to Lobert, our new AI, who allowed you to ask questions about how you can work with me. If you enjoyed the show, please rate and review me on your podcast listening platform and share it with your friends and family. As always, thanks so much for listening to me, Pyper Harris with Untangled Mind Podcast. I'll talk with you next time.