Welcome back to the Untangled Mind Podcast. I'm Piper Harris. Today we're taking a bit of a detour. The past few episodes have been pretty heavy, including moral injury, empathy, faith, all the big hitters. So this week we're lightening things up, at least a little bit. We're talking about the things you should never, ever tell your therapist. Now, this isn't your average 10 things therapist hate list. Now this one's a little bit more paradoxical. Because most of what people think they shouldn't say in therapy is exactly what needs to be said. So let's get to it. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome back. So the last few um podcasts and blogs have been pretty heavy. I've been doing a lot of research, doing a lot of study on how I can enhance my clinical work at Untangled Mind and also, you know, stepping into some really tough subjects. And so as I've been studying and writing, in fact, um this last blog that I wrote, I was like, oof, that was that was like heavy. Um I had the the heaviness for myself, and I thought, gosh, if I do a companion podcast to this, people might stop listening. So we're gonna take a bit of a detour. I have to say that this is one of my favorite weeks of the year. So Halloween is on Friday this week. And so I've actually challenged my clients that if they come into session dressed up as something that they become, they're becoming, or that they've learned in therapy, they get 25 bucks off their their uh session. And listen, the reason I do this is one, I love to dress up and I have some pretty great costumes prepared for my clients. But two, you know, the research shows us that um laughter and humor is actually very cathartic, very healing. And so I really do try to introduce that um not only into the sessions and you know, kind of some funny things like dressing up, but with these posts. And listen, what I want to say is I I love the paradoxical approach, like you should never say this to a therapist. But really, what I mean is you should totally say this to a therapist. So stick with me. This is my list of the 20 things, 20 more things, 20 plus things I should say that you should never tell your therapist. I hope you have uh just as much fun as me as putting to this gather this together and wait till the end because that's where some of the really funny ones that are going to shock you have been said into there in therapy to me. Um, and this is about levity, this is about humor. We all need this. Laughter is so, so healing. And let me tell you, some of my best belly laughs come from the therapy room. My clients are hilarious, and there's nothing better than guffawing with them in session. So let's get to my list. So these are the things you should never tell your therapist. Number one, you're never going to believe what Susie did down the street. We all know the Susie, the Susie, the Bill, the Bob, the Lisa, whatever you're naming the person, uh that's either the neighbor or the coworker or the cousin whose life is just so dramatic that talking about them is safer, listen, safer than talking about your own. So I'm not saying don't ever tell me about Susie down the street, but just so that you know, gossip isn't random and it's actually a mirror. So what you're thinking about that's stirring up about Susie or Bob or Bill down the street is actually something that uh inevitably is something that's unresolved in you. It's a projection, it's a mirror. So when you're telling me about Susie, just know that I'm listening to you for you in the story. And listen, I love gossip just like anybody else. It's kind of fun, but you are deflecting. So never, ever, ever tell me about Susie in the therapy room. Well, that is unless you don't want me analyzing why you're talking about Susie. Number two, I don't think I like working with you. Ooh, this is a good one. Never say this to a therapist. I'm totally kidding. If you listen to me, I want you to tell me you don't like working with me. I once once had a client. Um, we were getting to know each other. She'd done a lot of work with me. She was awesome. And I made her angry one day and she just blurts out, You are such a bitch. And I loved it. I smiled at her and I'm like, Yes, tell me more. And she just kind of stopped and looked at me. She goes, What do you mean? I'm like, okay, I'm a bitch. Tell me why I'm a bitch. And it was amazing because it was the first time that she used her voice in session. And it was the first time she set a boundary with me. It was the first time that she was able to express how she felt to someone that was, you know, kind of negative, and that someone didn't leave her. So here's the thing. I want you to tell me I don't like working with you. I know that's totally a paradox because here's the thing what really sucks for us therapists is sometimes people just totally ghost us. You and I are not dating, right? So ghosting me hurts. And I guess it hurts when you're dating too, but ghosting hurts. The whole point of therapy is we're we're developing this relationship experiment. So if something doesn't feel good, it feels off, bring it up. You can't learn healthy confrontation if you keep running from it. So yeah, totally. Don't say I don't like working with you. I'm kidding. Tell us. We need to hear it. Number three, I don't want you to tell you this because I don't want you to be upset with me. Never say this to your therapist. I'm just kidding. This one always gets me. Listen, you're not going to upset me. You're going to trust me. And the only way you're going to trust me is by telling me the things you think will upset me. That's the whole entire point of therapy, isn't it? If your truth rattles me, that's mine to manage, not yours. As therapists, our job is to hold space for those things. I'm not going to be upset with you. Even if it's things like I had a client say to me one time, I hate your socks. That's okay. I you're not going to upset me. You're not going to upset me with some of your deeper, darker thoughts and feelings. This is how you and I build trust together. Number five or four, excuse me. I don't want to burden you. Again, this is another one that I hear a lot, especially in the trauma work. I once had a law enforcement officer who said this to me. They had so much pain and they had such intricate detail to what they were processing with me that they didn't want to hurt me. That they literally said, I just, are you sure? Are you sure I can say this to you? They didn't want to hurt me by sharing it. And that is just the sacred exchange that happens. You put it down and I help you carry it differently. That's the job. That's the space. You are not burdening me. You're not going to hurt me. This is what I want to help carry with you. Number five, the utter and complete silence. Oh, yeah. This is a big one. So the long pause, the utter silence. As therapists, we love to joke about it, but silence is never empty. It really isn't. It tells me you're thinking, protecting, testing. It's where I kind of grab all the data. And it's um deciding if you can handle what's next, right? That's what silence is. And spoiler alert, I can totally handle the silence. So I had a client one time say to me, Yeah, I came in here last week to try to see here, sit here and see how long you would sit quietly. I couldn't handle it. They were literally testing me. So silence is key. Silence, number one, teaches us that we can sit in the same space together and it's safe without saying anything. Silence, again, is that data point that I'm looking at. Like, why are they being quiet? What's going on here? How can I bring this to the surface? And sometimes silence is the most healing thing that we can for our nervous systems with two people in the room that trust each other. So I dare you, don't ever be silent. Actually be silent and see what happens. Number six, here's one. You're too expensive. Oof. Don't ever say this to a therapist. Nah, I'm just kidding. You're right. Therapy isn't cheap. And I've talked about my therapy is not cheap, but let's talk about value. What's the cost of staying the same? Right? Or what's it costing you to go to the therapist to charge you $15 per session? This isn't just about money, it's about your commitment. It's about your commitment to self. Listen, I carry sliding scale fees. I do as much as I can to give back. I volunteer with different boards across the um the city trying to give back. So I get it. Sometimes this budget talk is really uncomfortable, but probably this talk about honesty, about budget and our emotions attached to it is actually really effective. So go ahead and say it. You're too expensive. I'd rather you say that to me than you ghost me. So you probably should never say you're too expensive, but actually it's a great starter to a great conversation. Number seven. Number seven. This is a very sweet one. What you should never say to your therapist, and again, this is all paradoxical. Can I get a hug? Most people need them. And I give them. Boundaries matter absolutely, but so does humanity. Just this past week, a client that I've had for three years, we had a really intense session. And in fact, he didn't ask for the hug. I said, Can I give you a hug? Because sometimes that's the best connection that we need. Sometimes we need to know I'm not just sitting on Piper's couch and I'm not just, you know, unloading on her. She cares more about me. Like I've had clients say, Well, you just I you're paid to care about me. That is not true at all. So when I've asked, been asked to give a hug or I asked to give a hug, it's because humanity matters. It really does matter. And sometimes the most healing moment in session isn't about cognition, it's actually about that connection. Number eight. This one's tough. I don't want to live anymore. Truly say this. Say it out loud. You will not be locked away for saying this, for having this dark thought. In fact, I think it is so important as therapists that we start destigmatizing this idea or this thought that 99.9% of people have on this earth, that they no longer want to live. I know it's scary, especially if that thought is really taken root. We start having plans. Maybe we've started considering writing letters, we're giving away things, we have guns in the house, whatever it may be. But don't be afraid to say, I don't want to live any longer. I'm not afraid of it. I'm not. Now listen, as a therapist is the scariest thing that we confront. We don't want to lose you. We don't want to lose any of our clients. But I would much rather me have to confront my fear of possibly losing you than you sitting alone with that thought. So please don't think uh that you can't say, I don't want any to live any longer. I want you to know that you are absolutely seen in that moment and we're gonna make a plan together. You're not alone in that feeling and that darkness. You're just not. All right, number nine, WebMD says, Oh, for the love of Pete, here we go. I love it when people do their homework. I really do. But Google or any of these things, Chat EPT, they they don't know you. They might kind of know your attachment style, but a diagnosis, a diagnosis, a lot of people come in to me and they're like, Well, WebMD says I have PTSD. A diagnosis can inform treatment, but it doesn't define you. So you use information, but we don't worship the information. Listen, I'm just as bad as anybody else. But when you come in and say to me, Well, WebMD says, it's just, it's frustrating. It's super frustrating. And I love that you're doing the homework. So let's have a conversation about it. I can pull that DSM off of my shelf. But again, a diagnosis is not going to make you feel better. It's just going to inform our process and how we talk about it. When I have clients present me with all of their findings of what's going on with them, one, hey, that's awesome. When you start misapplying psychological uh language, I'm like, okay, WebMD kind of messed up right there. So um it's kind of like the Wikipedia. Uh, you know, Wikipedia is half the time, more than half the time, totally inaccurate. That's typically what we get in sessions. So don't say what MD, what M WebMD told you you have, because ultimately what that means is you and I are going to have a talk about why you're so um focused on what your diagnosis is rather than stepping into changing that diagnosis. Number 10, I don't think I'm getting better. Oof. Yeah, most therapists don't want to hear this because what does that do? That puts a mirror in our face and it's like, well, if they don't think they're getting better, then that is an implication of my practice. So what I would say is most therapists probably don't want to hear this. I'm all about it. But usually when I hear this, this means you're right on schedule. This it totally means that. So growth rarely feels like growth. It really, rarely feels that way. In fact, most of the time it feels like confusion or friction or even this really intense resistance. So what I tell people is when they say, I don't think I'm feeling better or I'm getting better, that I believe is your brain rewiring. So you got to stay with it. You got to stay with that discomfort because you are really on the right path. So don't ever say, I don't think I'm getting better. Most therapists don't want to hear this. Me, I'm like, oof, this is the good stuff. This is right where we watch out. Number 11. So this is a big one, and I apologize to my therapist because they do this a lot with me. I didn't do my homework. Okay, so I get this a lot because I have a workbook, I hand out homework, and they typically don't want to say, I didn't do my homework because I'm like fantastic. Let's talk about why. Why didn't you do your homework? Well, I've been busy. Uh-huh. What were you busy doing? Oh, that goes to number one. I was busy spending time talking about Susie. Or two, I was on WebMD. So, what does it mean why you're you're not doing your homework? There's so much more behind it. There's that resistance to it. It's like, well, I don't need it. I don't engage in this like this. I don't engage in therapy this way. A lot of people that don't do their therap their homework is because they have bought into the idea that therapy shouldn't include homework, um, which I've talked about that in in previous sessions. But listen, your dog didn't eat your homework, your life wasn't that busy, you didn't do your homework for a reason. So tell me that you didn't do it. I know you don't want to tell me, so we can talk about it, right? Therapy isn't graded. It isn't. It's it's observed, but I'm going to be observing your resistance to doing the homework and asking you the questions why. And ultimately, a lot of times it's like if if you're not ready to engage in my therapeutic process, which I know absolutely works for people, then we can take a break and and come back to it when you're ready. So the resistance tells me um more than compliance ever could, right? That resistance is really, really telling. Okay, number 12. I've heard this one a ton in intakes. I don't want to talk about my childhood. It doesn't matter talking about the past. There's no point in talking about it. Okay, of course, nobody wants to talk about their childhood. I get there. You're tired of that story, but it's still running the show. You have to understand that. Nobody wants to talk about it, but it is running the show. So we're not here to um blame your parents, or we're not, we're not here to um, you know, mess up your current life by speaking about the past. But here's the thing that really does inform who you are today. We can really trace almost a blueprint to how you react in relationship today. There are some therapeutic modalities that they're like, nope, we only talk about the here and now. I get that, but I think that um that's uh almost negligent, I would say, of discussing, you know, who you are and how you got to who you are today is all based on our past. So if you come into an intake session, you're like, I don't want to talk about the past, okay. Well, that probably isn't something you should tell a therapist because it's really important and we can grab um that blueprint from the past and see who you are becoming today. Okay, number 13. I'm scared you'll judge me. Oof, this is a big one. This is a big one. Don't ever say this to a therapist because you know what's gonna happen. We are going to want to scoop you up and give you a big hug. That fear is where the work begins. Most people fear judgment because they've been performing for love for most of their lives. Therapy is where you stop the auditioning, right? I'm not judging you. There might be things that you share with me where I'm like, oh my gosh, right? It's not judgment, it's it's a uh reaction to what drove them to such such and such a behavior. Um, what what's what is behind it? I had a client that had shared with me about a lot of sexual encounters. And I I kind of stopped because I was I was kind of shocked at like how many sexual encounters happened um in a short period of time. And she caught the look go across my face. She's like, see, there you go, you're judging me. And I and I stopped. I said, No, what I what you're seeing on my face, and I'm sorry it came across that way, is not judgment. My heart hurts for you, that you would put yourself in such a position, a dangerous position, in such a position to abuse your body. Um, like, how did it lead you to that that choice? And ultimately it opened up a really, really intense emotional conversation for her because it was almost as if she was telling me so I would judge her, so that I would leave her because that's what she was used to. And when I didn't, and I sat there with her and explained what she saw pass over me. Um, it was actually, it was one, very difficult for her to have someone sit in that space and say, no, what you're seeing is like how how painful that must have been for you to subject your body and your heart and your soul to this when ultimately you knew it was gonna hurt. She wanted me to leave. That was the whole point of it. And it was, it was um, I felt bad. I felt terrible that she saw that pass over my face, that she thought I was judging her. Really, what it was was I just had such a pang of of pain for her. Number 14. Can't you just tell me what to do? I've been I've had so many people tell me this. Just tell me what to do. I could, but here's the thing you would just ignore it, and then if you did do it, you'd just blame me later. So, no, I'm not just gonna tell you what to do. Therapy isn't about obedience training, it's about ownership training. It's about ownership training. So just tell me what to do. No, I'm not gonna tell you what to do. Now, there are situations where I'm like, seriously, can you just stop with this? You know, but I've had so many people say to me, Can you just tell me what to do? And it's like, no, if I tell you what to do, then if you follow it, you're just gonna blame me because it didn't work. You know you better. I'm not gonna tell you what to do. We're gonna work out how we can get to a good point in your life. But no, this is not obedience training. I'm not gonna tell you what to do. All right, number 15. I'm only here because my spouse friend, XYZ, told me to come. Awesome. So I've been told this before, too. Like, well, they just told me to go. And now listen, this was huge with the kids. When I used to counsel kids, they would just plop their butts on a chair or couch and be like, I'm just here because my mom made me. So that's great. This is the door that we're gonna walk through. You might have become because you might have come, excuse me, because someone pushed you through that door. But what matters is that you decided to come. And so we just have to decide where you're gonna go from here. Now, sometimes this doesn't work. I see this a lot in couples therapy where it's like, well, you know, my my um husband told me I had to come, or my wife told me how to come. And well, they had already left the marriage, and so coming was just pro forma at that point. Um, but yeah, I hear this a lot. I'm only here because somebody told me to be here. So, um, and it makes us chuckle as therapists. We don't take offense to it. Now, if we do, you're thin-skinned, you shouldn't be a therapist, but we do hear this quite a bit. All right, so you guys ready for some of the fun ones? So, therapists hear some pretty wild things. And so these are some of them that I've compiled for you. Um, some that just grind my gears and I can't stand. So these are the fun ones. These are the ones I want to end on. These are the lines or things that are said said to me that make me smile, they should make me shake my head. Um, and this is what I want to say. Thank God for humor. Humor is so important for our release, for our healing. And literally, there's truly nothing better than belly laughs with my clients. Um, they say things and I just look at them like, you're brilliant. Or they say things that are so absurd and they catch themselves and go, that sounded really dumb. Or they therapise me, right? And it's Hilarious when they do it, and it's just a wonderful space to be in together. So let's get on to the fun ones. All right. Number 16. I swear, y'all, I keep hearing this and I want to scream. Well, Mel Robbins book said, let them dot dot dot. Please stop. Please stop. I can't with this. I love a good motivational movement, but therapy is not on Instagram, nor is it with these influencers. You can't five-second rule your trauma. Please stop. Drives me nuts. I can't tell you how many times I have heard this in the last six months. I'm gonna scream. In fact, I decided, I said to a client the other day, I'm gonna get a big red Mel Robbins button. And anytime anyone starts saying Mel, anything like that, I'm just gonna honk it. I'm just done. I'm done. All right, number 17. You all are not gonna believe this one. Hold on. Hang on just a minute. I'm gonna go to the bathroom while we talk. Um, yep, this happened. I was like, oh no, no, no, no, no, please don't, please don't. For the love of all boundaries, please don't pee or poop with me on a telehealth. And yes, both have taken place. Yeah, it was pretty bad. So a client, one client, one time, um, we were on a telehealth call, and could tell she just had gotten out of bed or something. And I was like, okay, you know, she's just comfortable with me, and literally took me into the bathroom, sat me on the counter, didn't even turn off the counter, the camera, it was just facing at the ceiling. And I hear the tinkle and then I hear the plop. I am not kidding you. And I immediately hung up the phone and so or the call when they texted me, said, Oh, I'm I'm done. Why did you hang up? And I got back on the call and I said, It is inappropriate to take a dump while we're in a telehealth session. Like, that's inappropriate. And she got so mad at me. And so, and I let her be mad. I mean, she railed, she didn't come to sessions for a long time, and she finally came back and I said, Listen, I don't even want to know when my husband's taking a crap. Why do I want to know when you're taking a crap? There are boundaries in life, and this is one that you crossed. So, and then another client um had a pee. And I think it was just one of those things they were on the call, and it's kind of like when you're on the phone with your kids or whatever, and you can mute it and you talk. Well, this client forgot, and they they ultimately remembered that I was on the telehealth call and they're like, Oh my gosh. And so they were very apologetic. But listen, please don't ever say, Hang on, I'm going to go to the bathroom while we talk. Literally, if you have to go potty, please say, Can I hang up and get back to you? Listen, I've had interrupt sessions and be like, my teeth are floating. If I don't pee, I'm not going to be able to focus on you. It's okay. Reality is this therapy is about openness, but it's not that kind of openness. If you wouldn't do that in my office, don't do it on a telehealth call. We can talk all about your feelings. I just don't want to know about them while you flush. Okay, number 18. Let's diagnose my ex. Um, sure, let's diagnose your ex and I charge double for that. Look, analyzing your ex might feel super therapeutic, but it's usually avoidance in disguise, right? The real question is, why are you still talking about them post mortem, right? Who cares what your ex is doing? You got away from them, all of that. And I've literally had people say, let's just diagnose my ex. And literally I've had clients stand up in my office, grab the DSM off of my bookshelf and say, Can we diagnose my ex? Crazy. Like, no, we're not diagnosing your ex. I know there might be some catharsis there for you, but come on, come on. All right, number 19. I think my therapist on TikTok is better than you. Yep. I've heard that one too. Perfect. So send them your money. Listen, TikTok therapists don't chart, they don't hold boundaries, they don't answer crisis calls, whatever. Comparison is the thief of real progress. If you think your TikTok therapist is so awesome, great. Send them your money. If you're coming to my office and you're saying that to me, then I'm gonna say, what is it about this situation that you feel like you need to take a dig at me? Let's go. Let's go. So a lot of times I have clients that are extremely confrontational and they do this. They take digs at me. They try to see how far can I push Piper to the point where she's gonna kick me out. Now, there's happened a couple of times where I've been like, okay, you don't get to scream at me for 60 minutes. If you can't stop screaming at me and interrupting everybody else on the floor, you will leave. But there are there are clients that take digs. There are. And it's because they're trying to see what your reaction is going to be. Ultimately, people that do this don't think that they're worthy of my love and my my um giving them that that security. And so they're gonna push me as far as they can. All right, number 20. Can I show you this? Okay, now as a therapist, you always kind of wonder, what are they gonna show me? Because there have been times in my therapeutic career where I'm like, uh, I don't want to see this, but can I show you this? So this client then proceeded to open Tinder and started swiping in session, a live demo style. So don't ever say, can I show you this? Because one, it scares us. We don't know what you're gonna show us. But reality is, is I am totally all for vulnerability, but maybe not trying to find your next match. If you're looking for connection, I can help you find it, just not while we're we're in there, you know, workshopping your bio and Tinder. Also, if you start narrating your swipes, I'm gonna start charging you for group therapy. All right, number 23. And this is the one that's happened actually a few times. Love you. It has happened when they walked out of the office. It has happened when we hung up on telehealth sessions. It slips, it happens. They say, I love you. And you know what? In that instance, they could have died from embarrassment, and I totally get it, but it's okay. The reality is, is after you've shared your your pain and your fear and your secrets and all these breakthroughs week after week, and by the way, even bowel movements, that feeling is totally real. You don't love your therapist, you love your your partner. And I get there. You love what happened, I get that. You love what's happening in the session, and it's that that feeling of being seen, right? And accepted and finally safe. And so when it slips out, I totally get it. I really do. And listen, if I didn't love you in turn, I wouldn't be in this business. I think that we can have boundaries and ethics and also recognize that to be in this business, each therapist gives a piece of our heart away to these clients. Of course, we love them. We love their quirks, we love their stories, we love their strength. We it it is a very intimate relationship. So when you accidentally slip and tell you, tell me that you love me, I totally get it. Don't be embarrassed. I get it. This this relationship that we've been building, uh, it it's the first place that you felt safe and secure and it slips. It slips. So I that's all of it. So here's the paradox, right? Everything you think you shouldn't say in therapy is probably exactly the thing that needs to be said the most. So therapy works best when it's real, when you stop performing and you stop quoting like social media, like oh, for love of Pete with Mel Robbins, and you start telling the truth. You don't come to therapy to sound good, you come to get untangled. And sometimes a little laughter along the way helps us all breathe again. So tell me what's something you feel like you should never have said in therapy and you did anyway. That brings us to the end of this episode. Thanks so much for joining me. Hiper Harris with the Untangled Mind Podcast. I hope you learned some tools that can equip you to untangle your mind and untangle your life. If you're curious about working with me for your anxiety or trauma, head on over to my website at untangledmind.net to connect with me. If you enjoyed the show, please rate and review me on your podcast listening platform and share it with your friends and family. As always, thanks so much for listening to me. Piper Harris with the Untangled Mind Podcast. I'll talk with you next time.