Hi, I'm Piper Harris, a licensed professional counselor, and welcome to the Untangled Mind Podcast. This is a show for people who want to understand why their mind works the way it does, not just how to cope with it. Drawing from neuropsychology, neurophilosophy, and data-driven CBT, we look at how anxiety and trauma shape perception, behavior, and choice and what actually helps people change. I'm an integrative CBT therapist based in the Atlanta suburbs. Each episode is designed to teach you something concrete, how to recognize what's keeping you stuck, how to interrupt unhelpful patterns, and how to move forward with clarity and steadiness. You've done the hard work in therapy. You've faced the pain, rewired old patterns, built real tools, and felt those moments of genuine shift. And yet, those stubborn, outdated beliefs about yourself. I'm not enough, I don't belong. They're just being polite. They keep showing up. They color how you see every interaction, every invitation, and every quiet moment. It's like wearing tinted sunglasses, you forgot were there. Today we're talking about that lingering filter, why it sticks around even after all your growth, and how to start seeing yourself and your place in the world more clearly. Seeing yourself clearly after the hard work is actually the harder work. So what I mean by that is today I want to talk about something that I see again and again in therapy. Uh, people that come in and they do the real hard work. You know, they've shown up week after week, they've dug into the painful memories, the you know, challenged the automatic thoughts. We've done the practicing of new behaviors, we've, you know, gone through exposure therapy, they probably cried buckets, or maybe they've raged and they've never been able to sit with someone that could hold that rage, right? Or maybe they sat in silence until it hurt, but we sat there and we did it, right? They built these tools, they gained these amazing insights. You see them starting to set boundaries, um, and you really feel these huge moments of shift, like real shift. And I have the blessing of seeing this with my clients. I do. And I was talking to some colleagues last week that I don't think our clients quite understand that oftentimes I can just be, you know, making dinner for the family, and a client pops into my head and I think, gosh, I wonder how they're doing. I hope they're doing well. We don't stop thinking about you. And in fact, we hold those moments of this shift that you make so dear to our hearts. Um, I had a client say something very funny, um, called me or said something about my um kind witchcraft or something, I can't remember how he voiced it, how he said it. And I said, Hey, this is all you, this is this is all your work. But what's interesting is I reflect on that, and what I want to say to those listeners is that even when we do all of those really hard, that those hard, hard things, and I see these enormous shifts, there's always this thing that crops up. And if I'm being honest, there's always that thing that crops up for me, and there's probably this thing that crops up for you too. And that's when there's those days still where that old voice whispers, you don't belong here, or you're not enough, or they're just being polite, you're in the way. And this voice it colors absolutely everything, it turns these neutral moments into proof of our unworthiness, of I don't belong. And this happens because deep change is absolutely layered. The new beliefs that um we're building sit on top of these old, stickier ones formed a long time ago. I saw a really funny um Gen Xer, yes, I'm a Gen Xer, um making fun of a little girl doing this thing with her fingers. And he's like, What is this booger thing that you're doing? So that's what I think about. Like, we have these new beliefs that are built on top of these old, stickier ones from long ago. So think of them as your boogers, often from childhood or through these repeated hurts, you know, trauma, whatever it may be. Those old beliefs, those boogers, act like a filter. Um, and it's even over our eyes. Ew, eye boogers. Okay, we're gonna go with the booger analogy. Just go with me on this. Obviously, I'm I'm shooting from the hip here. So even when the room is bright, this filter hints everything and it becomes dim. I see this so much. And listen, I I fall prey to this as well. So think about it this way: think about how perception works in therapy. Take, for example, cognitive distortions like mental filtering, um, discounting the positive, or overgeneralizing. These aren't, these aren't just like some random thoughts. That's not what those are. That's not what those cognitive distortions are. They're rooted in core beliefs about self-worth, like I'm defective, I'm unlovable, I have to earn my place. Those cognitive distortions are those booger core beliefs, right? And so even after months or even years of solid work where clients are like, I am like killing it. Life is great, I don't need Piper, all of these things, often they might after a while come back and report something like, I know intellectually I'm totally capable, but I still feel like an utter imposter. Or, yeah, I got the promotion, but I'm kind of waiting for them to realize I don't deserve this, deserve it. Or oftentimes they hear things like, well, my partner is really kind, um, but they're gonna really find out who I am. Um, and they might even start rehearsing um situations, maybe there was silence or whatever, as rejection. So why does this persist? And it's because those old beliefs were survival adaptations. They helped make sense of chaos or pain back then, right? So the brain, it wired them very deeply for safety. And that doesn't make sense, right? Like, why would our brain hold on to core beliefs that are so painful? Well, because even when life changes, like when they go through the work and stuff, this evidence keeps piling up against them. So that filter stays until we deliberately notice and question it. But we hold on to these distortions because they make sense of something that we can't make sense of, even though it causes us pain. So it's kind of like wearing um tinted glasses for decades. I see people who do this all the time. It's like wearing tinted glasses for decades. And people forget that they're even on their face. You know, they think that this world is like this certain shade, the shade that's against them. But therapy, what it does is it helps you take them off. But sometimes, sometimes you can slip them back on without realizing, especially under stress, especially under fatigue, or um when you're trying on new behaviors and patterns that are kind of scary, or even when old triggers appear. So this can happen. And it's one of those things that I see, and I think so often my clients are like, well, this means that I'm I'm back, like I've taken 10 steps back. And I'm like, no, this means you're a freaking a human being. This is this is real life. So here's something I want to say um, or that I did I said to a client recently, and I I want to say it to do to you. We were exploring why um there was an assumption of exclusion in social settings, um, even though there was an invitation. Um, and this is what I said: I said, be careful to make a judgment about your place at the table rather than other people's manners at the table. Hear that again. Be very careful not to make a judgment about your place at the table rather than other people's manners at the table. You see, when we have these memories, when we have these pains, even though we've traversed them and we really feel like we're doing great, they are still deep hurt. And so when we put ourselves in vulnerable positions, it is so easy to grasp a hold of the old and say, it's me, not them. It's me, not them. So even though they're making, you know, setting boundaries and they're using their voice, sometimes that old voice, that booger voice, that sticky voice, comes back. And that's what I want you to think about. Pause and let that sink in. It's not always about you, it's about how you see you. When that old filter is active, you're interpreting um someone like checking their phone or something as okay, they're bored of me. Right? Or a delayed reply becomes they don't value me. A neutral comment can land as criticism. But often it's just people being people, their manners, their distractions, and their own filters. It's not always about you, it's about how you see you. Your worth is totally not determined by whether everyone at the table is perfectly attentive or polite to you. In fact, we know as a human race, there's gonna probably be some rude people at that table in your life. Your seat is yours because you are there, because you exist, because you've earned your growth, because your relationships are not merit-based performances. They're not. You've earned your growth, you've earned to sit at that table. The trap is assuming that exclusion or judgment is proof of your place being precarious. Flip that damn thing, check the filter first. Ask yourself, is there evidence for this? Or is this my old belief coloring this scene? Then ask yourself, what would I tell a friend in this exact situation? Or say, if I removed the I'm not enough glasses on my face right now, what might actually be happening? And heck, act like you're picking your nose. Get that booger out and get that sticky thought out of your head. I'm really holding on to this booger analogy. I know it's gross. So, what helps loosen this filter over time? Listen, all of us are gonna be dealing with this filter, and I see it all the time with my clients. I really do, but it's common. It's it really is common. So nothing is wrong with you when this happens. We all have it. So, number one, I want you to notice when it activates. Name it gently. So, like, oh, there's that old filter again. Or, like, my clients know, we name our dib. Those of you that don't know dib, deepest irrational belief. My old filter, her name's Penny. Penny for your thoughts. Oh, she's been terrible to me my whole life. So notice when it activates, name it. Hey, Penny, I see you. Awareness interrupts that autopilot thought, those automatic negative beliefs. Number two, collect counter evidence daily. Keep a small note, honestly, moments where people included you, valued your input, or where things went um neutral to good without catastrophe, right? Don't just do this in your head. Like literally write it down. Write it down. Number three, practice the table reminder in real time before assuming rejection. Pause and say, Am I judging my place or their manners? It's not always about you. It's how you see you. Number four, self-comp compassion breaks. I know, sounds cheesy. A lot of you are like, oh, this compassion stuff. If you know me and you've been listening to me, you know I don't do this toxic empathy stuff. So treat yourself like you treat a dear friend who's doubting their seat at the table, who's doubting their worth, who's doubting their growth. How would you treat that friend? How would you treat them? And five, celebrate their work you've already done. Yes, you are allowed to celebrate the work that you've done in the counseling room. I'm not talking about going and I can like literally see like a uh oh, what's that movie Wolf of Wall Street or whatever? Please don't go do that. Gross, don't do that. That's not the kind of celebration we're talking about. Here's the thing: you have to celebrate the work that you've done and understand that there's going to be these things that come up. That's life. We have to be able to hold. I am healed, I've learned the tools, and also, oh, there's this unhealed part over there. We have to hold both. The fact that you notice the filter now, that giant booger, when maybe you didn't before, is massive progress. The whole point, the whole point of this is that the goal isn't perfection or never feeling that old pull. It's about shortening the time between the trigger and the recognition, right? So saying to yourself, this might not be the full truth. Over time, that filter thins, but it takes time. Eventually the table feels more solid, and you start seeing yourself and others more clearly. So these sticky thoughts, these sticky negative beliefs, you know, they were part of our core, part of our identity, they're part of our survival adaptations, and they don't serve us. And every once in a while they crop up. Every once in a while they crop up. You've already done so much of the hard part. The old beliefs may linger like these kind of faint echoes. It kind of reminds me about my first tattoo I got with a high school boyfriend. Oh boy, that thing lingered until I covered it. So those old beliefs they linger around like a faint echo or a really bad tattoo. But they don't have to run the show. Keep checking your filter. Keep claiming your seat at the table. Because the table is bigger, warmer, and more welcoming that old than that old voice ever let you believe. Ever. It's not about you all the time. Sometimes it's really about how you see you. Be careful to make a judgment about your place in this world rather than other people's manners. You don't have to be the whole reason someone's being a jerk. That brings us to the end of this episode. Thanks for joining me. I hope you learned some tools that can equip you to untangle your mind and untangle your life. If you're curious about working with me for your anxiety or trauma, head on over to my website at untangledmind.net to connect with me. If you enjoyed the show, please rate and review me on your podcast listening platform and share it with your friends and family. As always, thanks so much for listening to me, Piper Harris with the Untangled Mind Podcast. I'll talk with you next time.