Hi, I'm Piper Harris, a licensed professional counselor, and welcome to the Untangled Mind Podcast. This is a show for people who want to understand why their mind works the way it does, not just how to cope with it. Drawing from neuropsychology, neurophilosophy, and data-driven CBT, we look at how anxiety and trauma shape perception, behavior, and choice and what actually helps people change. I'm an integrative CBT therapist based in the Atlanta suburbs. Each episode is designed to teach you something concrete, how to recognize what's keeping you stuck, how to interrupt unhelpful patterns, and how to move forward with clarity and steadiness. Today we're diving into something that hits almost everyone at some point. That hot defensive rush when someone criticizes us, questions our work, or points out where we fell short. I've learned that being offended is your secret superpower for real growth. Because here's what I've learned the hard way. Being offended isn't a weakness to hide from. It's actually one of the most useful signals your brain can give you if you know how to use it instead of letting it use you. Stick with me for about the next half hour. We'll talk about a recent training I led where a piece of feedback could have derailed me, a tough professor from grad school who became my biggest mentor, and the psychology behind why we get offended so easily, including some powerful cognitive biases that keep us stuck. Most importantly, I'll share the practical way to flip the script so offense becomes fuel for confidence and real change. If you're someone who replays critical comments in your head, gets defensive in meetings, or avoids feedback altogether, this one's for you. Let's get to it. Nice to have you here today. I cannot believe it. We are almost to April. Um, it's funny, I was thinking this morning uh for April Fools. My boys are older, but I used to tease them when they were little, and I used to um do like a pot on the stove and I'd fill it with pine cones. They thought it was so funny, but was thinking about April Fools tomorrow, and my boys are too big, I can't tease them anymore. It's kind of sad. Anyway, so today we're talking about being offended, and all of us know um how it feels to be offended. And what I want to see say, what I want to preface with this is that um I am offended sometimes, and sometimes I have to slow my response. Um, so I don't um I am not perfect, I do not always have this right, but I do think that this is a valuable conversation because offense happens on the daily for all of us, and it really is an opportunity for us to um decide what we're gonna do with the offense. I think that a lot of times, not only as a therapist and listening to people um on my couch, they rehearse offenses. And obviously, there's offenses that are absolutely grievous and disgusting and been perpetuated against them, but are there's also those clients that really get stuck in that rheumative loop and the offense um they almost hold on to it um like a shield. They hold to it because it's really become part of identity. Um, and listen, I do the same thing as well. Um, it was really interesting. This uh last couple weeks, a couple weeks ago, I did a training. And I was really fortunate to do this training for a group of counselors on measurement-based care. I believe very, very strongly in raising the standards, excuse me, of counselors. And one of those standards that we can really effectively raise standards, excuse me, is by implementing measurement-based care. So I had prepared this um whole training, worksheets, the whole shebang. And um I had actually gone over it with my husband before the training, and he said, Okay, babe, like I know you feel very strongly about this, but you have to consider who you're speaking to. You might want to soften your language. And so basically he was saying to me, Hey, you're gonna really piss some people off. Um, and I tend to, I tend to speak that way. And so I do know that about me. He tells me all the time that I'm as subtle as a car bomb. So um I took his feedback. I was like, okay, I hear him. I recognize that this is um a lot of the way that I speak. And so I softened um the training. In fact, I went through all of the PowerPoint slides again and I changed it, and I just I really took his feedback. So, all that to say, um, went to the training and the feedback forms that came back, I thought it went well. Um, the feedback forms that came back um really were glowing for the most part, and that felt really good because this was kind of my maiden voyage into this training. People said that they felt really equipped, that they were inspired, and um like they walked away with some tools that they could actually use, which is great. That's exactly what I wanted. But there's a big butt. There was one comment that stood out with all the feedback. So um, I always believe strongly in feedback. So I send surveys for trainings, I send surveys quarterly to my clients to ask their satisfaction, um, I send and end of um counseling surveys. Like I really do believe in the power of feedback. I was trained under um Dr. David Burns way, way back in the day. And that is one of the things that he really um kind of hammers away is that it is so very important for us to ask for feedback before the the client comes into session, but really it's data. Feedback is data, and so I've just really um maintained that over the years. But anyway, so this um participant wrote that the delivery made them feel inadequate or could make um counselors feel inadequate. Um, but they also added something that was really honest that I appreciated, and it said, you know, I recognize that my own insecurities might be playing a role here, which was fantastic. So they not only gave me feedback on the training, which I mean I needed to hear it, but they also could recognize part of maybe what's happening with them. So what was interesting about me receiving this feedback is that had this happened five or six years ago, like that single line would have wrecked me. I probably would have spent the whole day or maybe the rest of the week defending my style in my own head, you know, like well, I'm being authentic and they're too sensitive, or you know, I can't water self water myself down. Um, I would have felt a true knot in my stomach, like, you know, this is this is happening and and they're picking on me. And I mean, I I probably would have gone overboard. But this time I read it and nodded, and I just kept scrolling. Because here's the thing there was no emotional spiral for me. There was really no need to justify anything, because my husband already said that to me. So um, you know, so I just kind of smiled and I was like, okay, that's good. And in at that small moment, it really did feel like a quiet victory because I didn't take offense. In fact, my husband had already said, hey, you might want to soften your language with this. This individual kind of said the same thing, and that's okay. Um, and so it felt good. It felt good that, like, meh, you know, it was feedback. I could probably soften my language even further. But again, I didn't have this emotional spiral. I didn't keep chewing on it. I didn't um just, you know, I didn't get in that rheumative process about it. And that's something that I've been practicing really for the probably the last five years. And it's this really simple but powerful tool. And it's realizing that taking offense is a choice. We've all heard that. And it's one that we can make differently. So we can choose to take offense, but we can choose to do something different with that offense. So back in grad school, um, I had this professor, and he seemed to have like a personal vendetta against me and my work. I mean, every single paper was just like marked through. I mean, just eviscerated. And so every single comment that I read felt like a personal jab and like he was nitpicking every single word and challenging my assumptions and pushing me harder than anyone else in the class. In fact, he did push me harder than anyone else in the class. He would call on me and ask these like really kind of almost felt like gotcha questions, and he didn't do it to anyone else. So um, I took offense like it was my job. I really did. Um, I would vent to some of my classmates, definitely vented to my husband. Um, I would roll my eyes in his seminars, and I had truly convinced myself that he was just being mean and playing favorites with the others. Um, and so the offense that I took, it felt justified, right? Like it protected my ego. Um, but it was eating me alive, eating me alive because I am busting my hump. Um, is one of the last classes I took. Um, I had this idiotic thought in my mind that I needed a 4.0 when I graduated. So I couldn't understand why he's riding me so hard. I'm like, damn, dude, like I already have an A. What do you want me to have? An A plus? I mean, it was just bad. And so um one day I got really, really pissed. Um, I had been carrying that resentment for so long. And so I actually scheduled a meeting with him and straight up asked him, like, why are you riding me so hard? Why are you picking on me? And he kind of smiled almost. Um, he was very calm and he's very, very direct, which I appreciate. And he said, Because I see potential in you and I know you can handle it more than you're showing right now. And I was like, damn, dude, like I'm I'm really busting my hump in here. And and I I kept pushing. We had a great conversation. Like, I don't understand what you're saying. I I have a good grade and da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And he was basically saying, I see potential for even greater clinical application. And so I'm going to push you harder because I believe that you can do it. Um, and so it was, it was a it was a great conversation. It really cracked something open for me. The attack wasn't about me being inadequate, attack in in finger quotes. Um, it was about him believing I could grow. And that um I would miss out on that because I was believing I was too fragile to hear it. Does that make sense? So I was choosing a fence, which essentially was saying that I was too fragile to hear it. So even though I put on this persona of I'm kicking ass and taking names, I'm have a 4.0 when I graduate, really down below, beneath it, I felt way too fragile. And so after that conversation, from that point forward, I really started experimenting. So every time a fence bubbled up, I would pause and ask myself a few questions. And really, this isn't new, it just keeps reminding my me over the years. Um, I remember years and years ago, I can't even remember who it was. I'm going through my mind and I can't remember who it was, but I owned a women's um only fitness studio. And um then I had to close up shop. My husband had gotten a um promotion to a different state, so I had to close the studio. Um, and so then I started working online and then I started working with this um other company. And um, if you've been in the fitness industry, uh, it's pretty brutal. It's pretty brutal. Um, and so I remember um I was I was repeatedly taking offense um by these people that I was working for because it just felt like I was being scrutinized just nonstop. And I remember I had to go to their headquarters, which was in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Ugh. Um anyway, we were doing some photo shoots and um we had to record some fitness videos, and I was getting picked apart so terribly, and my feelings were really hurt. And give you a little context, I was formerly obese. Um, I grew up in a household where um my weight was ridiculed. And so to hear that from someone else after I'd worked so very hard, um I had gotten really, really thin and I got back to a healthy weight, and it's this whole thing. Um, there's something called orthoorexia, definitely true stuff right there. But all that to be said, I remember taking such offense, and um I was really hurt by it. And there was a local gal that's really well known, and I was talking to her about it when I got back, and she said to me, she said, you know, Piper, whatever they're saying, especially when it comes to your body, you have to recognize that that's your insecurities and that's you know, based on childhood, all of that. But what can you do with it? So it's really the same conversation. I'm telling you, that was 10 years ago, and then all this stuff with my my um professor was about five years ago. So we get offended routinely, and sometimes we just need to be reminded hey, what can you do with this? And so, you know, I started experimenting not only about 10 years ago with that, but also now, like every time offense bubbles up, I pause and I run through a few questions. So the first one is, why is this hitting me so hard? It doesn't have to be that this is like some, you know, long-held um insecurity. It could just be like, I didn't sleep well last night. You know, it could be something that that's simplistic. But I do believe when we take such offense to other people, we really do need to ask those hard, you know, why is this hitting me so hard? Now, this is what I also want to say too, is that the more you become confident in who you are and your beliefs, um, you know, your um just yeah, your beliefs, your integrity, those things that, you know, what you align with, you will take offense to things that are in direct opposition. So for example, um I'm a Christian and I love Jesus. And so I have a hard time when um, I more than a hard time, I take offense when people ridicule my faith. Um, because that's near and dear to me and is the core part of who I am. So it is okay to take offense with certain things, I do believe, because it's at the core of who we are. But stuff like this, like getting picked on, you know, by my professor or someone ridiculing how I did a stiff leg deadlift, can't even make this up. It was ridiculous how I was getting picked on. Um, you know, there's some other deep, deeper things at hand there. So first question is why is this hitting me so hard? Second question is this is this my ego trying to stay comfortable or is there actual truth here? So I'm saying to myself, it could be it could be my ego, and there could also be truth, right? So we can hold both things, or it could just be, yeah, my ego is like overdrive. But we have to be able to step back and ask this. And again, I teach this to my clients. This is about stepping out of participating with a thought or a feeling and observing it and really asking questions about it. Because if you don't, you just get you know run over with it. The third question is am I reacting because of an insecurity I'm not facing? Is this an insecurity that I'm not facing? So this is a really important one for all of us to consider when we feel that offense kind of rush up against us. And number four, um, is what if I treated this like useful data instead of a threat? So when we feel offense, what happens in the brain is it it literally turns on our threat detection system, our amygdala, and it shoots off the whole HPA access. And the problem with that is is that the offense is triggering an event that replicates something that's highly traumatic. It doesn't mean that it's actually traumatic. It's triggering uh a cascade of events and neurotransmitters and hormones that are saying there's a threat, there is danger when it's just you're offended. Does that make sense? So you have to be really open to saying, okay, can I look at this as data instead of a threat? Because if you allow the brain to go straight to threat, you're you're off to the races. And then you're having to stabilize a whole dysregulated um autonomic system. Okay. So those questions, they're not always fun, but they really did change how I've learned. And again, I keep having to revisit this because all of us take offense. And so what's really funny is that you know, that same professor, he's one of my mentors now, years later. And so the very person that I avoided is someone that's shaped me and I love him dearly. And it's all because I chose to stop clutching to the offense and really kind of started mining it for gold. And when it came to this um company that I was working for, ultimately what happened is they just ended up being assholes, I'll just say it. I'm cussing a lot today. I apologize. Christians can cuss. Um, and so the offense was actually, it was actually showing me that there was a major threat involved. And unfortunately, that that position ended very, very poorly with lawyers and all of that stuff. Um, but that offense, but what I took from that, this is what I'll say, what I took from that was um the offense I took based on the body image stuff was pointing out that I still had those massive insecurities that I needed to work on. So, yeah, crappy company, but it hit some some tender spots because it was something that I still needed to work through. So let's talk about why we get offended and kind of talk about the psychology behind it. So, like I told you already, what's happening in our brains when we feel offended? We can set off a whole cascade of events. So it's not just that we're we're sensitive, there is solid psychology at play, and it really helps us and gives us more of the power to respond differently if we understand what's at play. So I explained what happens with the threat detection. You got your your sympathetic system in overdrive, um, and it's just you're off to the races. You're not going to be rational. But let's talk about something else. So, again, this is about giving you the information to step out of participating with your offense and observe it. So we have to learn about it. I um had a client and she's been with me, I don't know, four sessions now. And she came into session and she had her untangling trauma workbook. And she goes, Piper, um, level two, it's like a lot of education. And she was trying not to be rude. And I said, just say what you mean. And she goes, it's really boring. I said, Great, that's exactly what I want. I said, because we're gonna go into heavy duty trauma stuff, but if I don't give you in-depth education, all the research shows us that it nothing that we do in here is really going to stick as effectively. Psychoeducation is so at the core of y'all feeling better. It absolutely is. But it was pretty funny. She was trying not to offend me, and I just laughed at her. I'm like, it's fine. Everybody's told me level two is like all education piper. I don't want to read this, and blah, blah, blah. I want to get right to the meat of it. Nope, we start here. So I'll have to say, this is what this part is. I really want to educate you on, you know, offense. So at its core, offense is often a signal that something's touching that tender spot, like I told you. So it's either tied to our identity, our self-worth, or, like I said, those unresolved insecurities. So our brain treats it like a threat, triggering, again, that fight or flight response, even when there's no right real danger existing. That's not good. Also, what happens and makes this even worse is that we have a few key cognitive biases that love to jump in and make things absolutely worse. Um, so the first one is the self-serving bias. So this is our tendency to take credit for success, like, oh, I've nailed the training because I'm so skilled. But blame external factors or other people for anything negative. Okay, so they felt inadequate because of their issues, not my delivery. I could have, I could have looked at that feedback I got that way. So essentially, what self-serving bias does is it protects our self-esteem in the short term, but it blocks real growth. I actually had this conversation with a brand new client, and directly in the middle of a conversation, I called things out and I said, You're externalizing, you're externalizing, you're externalizing. And they um came back. And and keep in mind too, certain clients I am more direct with right off the gate, excuse me, especially when they ask for it, and this individual did. So, um, but they came back and and sent me a message through the portal, which I always um invite my clients to do, and they kind of explained. More of what took place. So, what I read through their responses, I was offended by what you were saying to me. And so I was like, okay, this is great. This is feedback. The I pushed, I hit the tender spot, which is what we need. I called out the externalization, this, the, the um blaming external factors rather than accepting onus, whatever it may be. So this is a good thing. And they pushed back, which is fabulous. I want my clients to feel comfortable in doing that. And so then I responded and just said, my job is to show you that the way in which you're thinking is the reason why you have such intense distress. And the first one is this externalization of responsibility or self-serving bias. And it was a hard conversation. It was really great that this client felt comfortable enough coming to me. And I was really grateful for that, for that opportunity. And I'm sure we'll have more opportunity this week to talk about it more. Okay, so um closely tied to the self-serving bias is confirmation bias. So we've all heard about this, right? This is our brain's habit of seeking out and favoring information that can confirm what we already believe about ourselves. So it ignores or downplays anything else that challenges it. So when offense hits, we immediately start building a case for why the critic is wrong or biased or they're having a bad day. We rarely hunt for the possibility that they just might have a point. We're just like, nope, they're not confirming my bias. And so we all, we all do this. And again, all these cognitive biases, we're all um uh capable of falling price, these, all of them, because this is just how our brain works. Um, but the important part again is we're learning these things so that we can stop participating and we can start thinking about our behavior rather than just then going willy-nilly with things, and that's what metacognition is. It's really important for us to think about our thinking and think about our behavior, all of that. All right. So then there's cognitive dissonance, and this is a toughie. So that's that uncontrollable tension when new information clashes with our existing self-image, or it's just simply two pieces of information that we're trying to hold that are absolutely opposed to one another. So instead of updating our view, like, well, maybe I can, you know, I can change something in my presentation, the brain actually reaches for really quick relief, which is rejecting the feedback, getting defensive, and telling ourselves the story that we're being attacked. Okay. So cognitive dissonance also this shows up routinely in the therapy room with elevated levels of anxiety or depression. And really part of the process of counseling is saying, okay, you're saying this thing, but you're holding this thing. This is what's causing enormous distress. And really, cognitive um dissonance really can increase our distress a hundredfold. Um, another common culprit is called personalization. So this is a core CBT cognitive distortion. So this is when we turn a neutral or constructive comment into a direct hit on our worth. Okay. Then there's emotional reasoning, and that's where we say something like, Well, I feel attacked, so this must be an unfair attack. Just because you feel something doesn't mean it's facts. You guys have listened to me long enough. Feelings are not facts. So then on top of that, we also have something called the negative bias. And that's kind of this evolutionary wiring in our brain that makes criticism sting five times harder than the praise feels good. It's why one critical comment can overshadow 10 positive ones. We all do this. And what's interesting when you think about all these biases and taking offense, this all kind of connects beautifully to Carol Dweck's work. Love her work. And this is on the fixed mindset versus the growth mindset. So when we think about this, in the fixed mindset, we see abilities, thoughts, behaviors, all of that kind of aesthetic. So you're either good at something or you're not. That's kind of a fixed mindset. So feedback feels like a verdict on who you are. So it triggers threat and offense, right? So, but in the growth mindset, when we choose the growth mindset, this isn't just something that happens to us. Carol Dweck is wonderful at teaching this. In a growth mindset, abilities are malleable through effort and learning. So the same feedback lands as useful information and what to work on next. One of her her core um things that she says is that you can say something like, Well, I didn't do good at that training, comma, yet, not yet. You know, she she always adds, not yet. So rather than saying, I'm stuck being offended, well, I I I can get out of this. Like there's there's another opportunity right around the corner. And you know, research really shows that people with more of a growth orientation, they tend to handle setbacks and criticism with much more resilience. They bent, they bounce back better because they view challenges as opportunities. And when they view it that way, they can rewire their brain and build new skills rather than proof that they're not enough, right? So the good news is that these biases and patterns, they don't have to be fixed in stone. We do have to be aware of them because they're constantly in the back of our mind. They are habits that we can observe and interrupt. So the moment you catch yourself, um, you can say something like, Okay, there's my self-serving bias kicking in to protect me again. So you're you're creating a little bit of space between participating with that offense and observing it. And that space is where that reflection lives. And it's really where that psychological growth can happen. And over repeated practice, your nervous system really starts to learn that feedback isn't dangerous and that defensive flare-up gets quieter and quieter. So you stop burning energy on protection and you start investing in actual development. So that's just some of the things that get in the way when it comes to taking offense. So when you start using offense as a tool instead of this kind of trap that you get stuck in, something really powerful can shift. You begin to spot your own patterns. Um, and those areas where you feel fragile or protective, we can start really looking at them. And you realize that you don't have to be perfect to be valuable all the time. And you develop a different kind of confidence. And it's not the kind of confidence that we think of as like, oh, I'm always right. You know, you don't have to go from one end of the spectrum of I feel worthless and take offense at everything or whatever it may be. And the other end is this egocentric, you know, I'm always right. That's not what I'm saying. The confidence that happens is this version that doesn't take constant offense, right? And it doesn't constantly stand at the defense, but it's this kind of grounded, steady kind of way of saying, okay, I okay, I hear you. I've got this, I can handle this. If I'm missing something, I'm generally open to learning. So either way, what happens is that we're not gripping onto a fence like uh uh armor. You know, we can say, you know, I feel okay about myself. So just like my recent training, that one comment didn't make me doubt my entire approach at all. In fact, um, the woman who's the director um asked me, she's like, Hey, would you mind sharing the feedback? I'm like, no, not at all. You know, I shared it with her. And she just she was concerned. She's like, I am so sorry that you got that feedback. I'm like, why? I'm not offended. It's fine. I said, I think it's great. And they actually showed their own ability to kind of reflect on what they were sharing. Um, but she was concerned about me as well. And I said to her, I said, you and I both know we're older. And I said that there's a different thing that happens when we we have more life behind us. And I and I know that I'm not trying to sound um like I've I'm better than or more experienced, but it it does have help, it does help to have more water under the bridge. It just does. And I was able to say, listen, you know, this is a young counselor and they're trying to find their footing, and it is different for a young counselor to be approached by another therapist that's pretty sure of themselves and thinks that this is this is you know the way it goes. And I also said to her, I said, listen, you've gotten to know me. This is how I speak, and I know I rub the people the wrong way. But here's the thing: I didn't take offense. And I told her, I'm like, I'm not, I'm not offended at all. This is great. This is great feedback. And yeah, I could probably soften it a little bit more. Um, you know, so it was okay. It was okay for that to happen. The comment didn't make me doubt my entire approach, it just simply highlighted that my delivery could land a little better in certain spots, and and that people carry their own insecurities. Both things can be true, right? So I believe I'm effective overall, and I also believe I can refine how I communicate, right? I can improve without taking on responsibility for someone else's internal experiences. That is the freedom waiting on the other side of a fence, right? So I'm out of breath, by the way, if you haven't noticed. The pollen in Atlanta, I'm just dying, people. I'm on so much allergy medication, so I apologize with my huffing and puffing. But so let's give you some practical tools because I think that that is always helpful. So, how do we start actually using this in real life? Number one, write this down, whatever you need to do, pause, get ready. Pause when you feel that that offensive flush. This is your nervous system. You feel that flush. A lot of people they feel tightness in their chest, or they do like they get a heat. Um, I've had some people describe it as coming over their head. Mine starts in my belly and rises up. So it's that flush, that that instant flush of offense. It hits. When you feel that, you need to really go. Oh, I feel it, and give yourself a beat, even if it's 10 seconds before reacting. If you're able, go do some um diaphragmatic breathing. Do something. Pause before you react. That space, that space, we've who said that um the space between the stimulus and the reaction is is what we need to focus on. Gosh, who was it that said that? I don't, it wasn't young, it was um, oh, I can I can see their face. Anyway, so we really do need to take a beat. So even if it's just 10 seconds, really slow down before you react. Number two, name the bias. Get to know cognitive biases, cognitive distortions. Name it. Silently note it or write it down. Say something like, okay, this is self-serving bias, or okay, this is confirmation bias, or okay, this fixed, this is fixed mindset thinking, or you know, whatever it is. Naming it reduces the power. It's the same as the the idea name it to tame it when it comes to um accurately naming our feelings. Okay. So name the bias. Name it again. What we're doing with all of this process is that we are slowing your participation in the offense. That is the biggest thing that you need to learn. Number three, ask better questions. So ask, why does this bother me? What insecurity might this be touching on? What's the data here that could help me improve? You're never gonna grow if you're always offended. Period. You're never gonna grow if you're always offended. You'll never be open to feedback, you're always gonna be a curmudgeon, you're always going to blame everybody for everything that's wrong in your life. Ask better questions. Slow down. Number four, separate their stuff from yours, right? So their reaction might say more about them than you. Your job is only the part that's yours to own, period. So just like this this feedback that I got. Listen, I hear you. I probably could soften it a little bit more. I don't know how much more because this is just kind of who I am. But they also stated this could be my insecurity. Awesome. So you're you're able to articulate that part of this might be me too. Okay. So separate your stuff from theirs. Period. Okay. And number five, practice small. Start with low stakes feedback. So, you know, like a colleague's note or an email, you might take offense at something, like a paragraph or or whatever it is. Specifically go in and say, hey, I read in this paragraph, X, Y, and Z. Am I correct in that? And they might say, or you might say, gosh, uh, I'm I I don't know if I'm picking up on a tone in incorrectly, blah, blah, blah. All it does is it helps you start that small practice and start shifting that that offense and have a dialogue with someone. Listen, maybe your colleague's a total jerk. I don't know. But you also, when you practice these things, you're practicing assertive communication. Assertive doesn't mean you're a jerk. Assertive means that you're able to communicate effectively and you can place boundaries if needed, XYZ. Um, but this is good. This is good behavioral activation. This is a good behavioral experiment. Ask for the feedback, but feedback when you ask for it has to be specific. You cannot ask for general feedback because people don't know how to do that. Um, and same thing with like a friend's comment. You can do like a low stakes question about feedback or like through their casual comment. If you took offense, just say, ooh, okay, like that felt a little prickly. I'm hearing like whatever you think about me. Uh, is that right? You know, and and put it back on that and have a conversation. Now, if they come back and say, Yeah, you're ticking me off, okay, then that's a whole nother conversation that you can have with a friendship. But again, you're building a muscle. You have to practice this. So give yourself opportunity for these little behavioral experiments to really slow that offense. And over time, this really will rewire how we show up. You become someone who seeks feedback instead of fearing it. And you grow way faster because you're not um wasting your energy on being defensive. You're just you're not wasting it anymore. So, this is my challenge for you this week. The next time you feel even a twinge of offense, whether it's at work or in a relationship or online, oh my gosh, online, everybody's offended. Don't swallow it or lash out or lash out. Pick it up gently, turn it over and ask, what's this trying to teach me? Just what's this trying to teach me? And I'd love to hear from you. What do you discover? You know, share it with me in the comments, send me a message. What did you discover by stopping in participating with that constant offense and taking a beat? Practicing these five skills. Pause when the flush hits, name the bias, ask better questions, separate their stuff from yours, and practice small little behavioral experiments. It's a challenge, but I think you can get there. Offense doesn't have to be the enemy. When you stop letting it run the show and start using it as data, it becomes one of your greatest tools and it helps you become more confident, more capable, and a more resilient version of yourself. So thanks so much for spending time with me today. If this resonated, I hope that you can share it with some friends. So until uh I talk to you next time, remember that feedback that stings the most often carries the biggest opportunity. Don't run from it. Lean into it. That brings us to the end of this episode. Thanks for joining me. I hope you learned some tools that can equip you to untangle your mind and untangle your life. If you're curious about working with me for your anxiety or trauma, head on over to my website at untangledmind.net to connect with me. If you enjoyed the show, please rate and review me on your podcast listening platform and share it with your friends and family. As always, thanks so much for listening to me, Piper Harris with the Untangled Mind Podcast. I'll talk with you next time.